I'm a fool...

[NoFoolLikeMe]

but a heartbroken one and could use a place to offload.

I have been separated from my husband for 9 months.

Now for the cliche. I met up with an old boyfriend (one that got away, romantic bullshit) late last year and although I was separated, he was not and had a partner, no kids. We started an affair. He told me he would leave his girlfriend. He didn't. He went cold and told me he'd decided to try to make things work with his GF. This was a couple of months ago. I have flip flopped from no contact, to breaking my heart over him to contacting him. Latest was last night when we spoke at length for the first time in weeks. He says he loves me and always will but his 'gut' is telling him he needs to try to try again with his GF. I told him I will give him the space he needs and I understand.

I don't understand. I'm gutted. It's no more than I deserve, I know that's what a lot of you will think. It's what I think myself. I'm still devestated though. I feel like my heart is beating out of my chest, I'm sick to my stomach and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm a mess. I would never, ever have gotten in so deep if I didn't believe we were going to be together. It would never have been the best or most honest start to a relationship, but I really believed he loved me enough to want to be with me and would follow through with his promises. Stupid, stupid me.

I know what I have to do. Go no contact and stay away from men who are not free. It doesn't take away the pain though. I'm in bits. I want to cry but the tears won't come. It's like it's all internalised and I'm screaming on the inside. I think my heart is breaking. I thought I'd experienced heartbreak before, but this is horrific.

It's not so much advice I need as a place to vent and let it out. I am too ashamed to confide in anyone IRL. Can anyone emphasise if not with the cheating part at least with the hearbreak and give me some pointers in how to get through this?

These men use, lie to and manipulate vulnerable others for their self esteem and to put a plaster on their failing other relationship which they haven't got the courage to sort out one way or the other.

If op were a man could you imagine the responses.

Shame on you op, you and him have been a pair of shits!

Yes, Oddsocks, I am aware of my shittyness. I've alluded to it quite a number of times now. Also, I'm very aware of his shittyness as you can probably tell. But thanks so much for taking time out of your day to remind me. Lest I should forget.

You seem to be putting more blame onto him when you were equally responsible.

You knowingly cheated with him, that is the most sickening bit.

Unless you have been in his partners shows, you can't understand how shitty you have both been.

Yes, I'm responsible. Equally though? No, I don't think so. I was single. I'll take my portion of blame, but I won't be taking the lion's share. That's on Fat Bald Leo. But again, yes, it's pretty fucking sickening, the whole thing, I agree with you.

I have also been in his partner's shoes as it happens so have a pretty good insight into exactly how shitty I have been. I think I'm getting a nice, healthy dose of payback though. Him? Not so much.

How do you know he's not getting shit from her or from her family and friends??? Perhaps he's been caught bedhopping before? You have no idea what's really going on with them.

I just pm'd you.

True, 2nds, I can only go by what he told me and lets face it, he's a liar so who knows. But, from what he tells me is that there is no trouble in paradise and his GF is oblivious. He's doing his best to keep it that way by warning me off contacting him. Reckons she knows who I am from what he's told her about our previous relationship and she wouldn't want him talking to me.

Pm'd ya back!

It really grates on me when I hear someone say they were single so not equally to blame.

What a crock of shit.

How you are feeling now is how is gf would likely feel if she had found out.

OK, Oddsocks, whatever you think, I'm unlikely to change your mind so there's no point in trying. Honestly, at this stage of the game, I couldn't feel much worse so take pleasure in that. I do not have the energy or the inclination to argue with you about it.