I'm a fool...

[NoFoolLikeMe]

but a heartbroken one and could use a place to offload.

I have been separated from my husband for 9 months.

Now for the cliche. I met up with an old boyfriend (one that got away, romantic bullshit) late last year and although I was separated, he was not and had a partner, no kids. We started an affair. He told me he would leave his girlfriend. He didn't. He went cold and told me he'd decided to try to make things work with his GF. This was a couple of months ago. I have flip flopped from no contact, to breaking my heart over him to contacting him. Latest was last night when we spoke at length for the first time in weeks. He says he loves me and always will but his 'gut' is telling him he needs to try to try again with his GF. I told him I will give him the space he needs and I understand.

I don't understand. I'm gutted. It's no more than I deserve, I know that's what a lot of you will think. It's what I think myself. I'm still devestated though. I feel like my heart is beating out of my chest, I'm sick to my stomach and I don't know what to do with myself. I'm a mess. I would never, ever have gotten in so deep if I didn't believe we were going to be together. It would never have been the best or most honest start to a relationship, but I really believed he loved me enough to want to be with me and would follow through with his promises. Stupid, stupid me.

I know what I have to do. Go no contact and stay away from men who are not free. It doesn't take away the pain though. I'm in bits. I want to cry but the tears won't come. It's like it's all internalised and I'm screaming on the inside. I think my heart is breaking. I thought I'd experienced heartbreak before, but this is horrific.

It's not so much advice I need as a place to vent and let it out. I am too ashamed to confide in anyone IRL. Can anyone emphasise if not with the cheating part at least with the hearbreak and give me some pointers in how to get through this?

At least he's not the one that got away anymore,he can now go in the been there,done that,fuck me it's not worth it category

To be fair you both acted like fuckers.

Is fat bald Leo Irish by any chance because he sounds like someone I know.

Biddleyboo, thank you, you are on the money with what you said. I don't know if I'll be doing as well as you in 3 weeks, but I know I'll be better than I am today.

NC will be easy enough. He explained to me in his oh so rational way how it was better if I didn't contact him and that although he never wanted to lose touch with me, it was better if he got in touch first. In case his GF saw my name pop up on his phone. Although I've never met her, apparantly she knows about me from our past relationship. Told me how he loves me so much he can never not be in touch, but it needed to be on his "terms". And what did I do, the pathetic lap-dog I was? I agreed. Promised I'd never do anything to jeapordise things with him and his GF and would only ever reply to texts or take his calls. Jesus. Could I be any more pathetic?

Rebel, thanks, that's a very good way of looking at it. Never. Again.

2nds. Yes FBL is Irish! What are the chances?! Gift of the gab and as charming as they come. Dick.

Spent a little time reading Chumplady last night but didn't get too far as I fell asleep. This is a good thing. Sleep has been terrible lately. Maybe I'm really getting better already. I'll read more today. I like her/its style.

So, day 2 no contact. Still ruminating far too much, still feel like a mug, still deeply hurt, but there's a fire in there that's surfacing thanks to you lot. I'm going to actively try to stop thinking about FBL today. He's there all the fucking time, haunting me, but I'm going to make a conscious effort to think about something else every time he pops into my head and I'll keep busy today. MN counts, right?!

Happy/happier Sunday all

I threw stbxh out after discovering a long affair and I know the thinking on here is that you shouldn't hate the ow but I can't help it.

I started reading this expecting to hate you too. You did a really shitty, selfish thing and your story should be a warning to anyone on the brink of an affair with a married partner as the outcome was both familiar and inevitable.

But your comment about the men in these scenarios never getting what they deserve struck a chord. My DH told his ow that he had finally left me because he loved her. I sent her two messages with absolute proof of him begging me to forgive him and saying terrible things about her. I thought she wouldn't want him either and he'd get what he deserved, but no, she forgave him and they are still together.

So the answer to your question about these men getting what they deserve is this - there are always women who are motivated by 'winning' or beating the wife, who don't stop to think that what they've won isn't worth having.

HappyJanuary, I don't blame you for hating women like me, I don't. I'm not exactly enamoured with women like me either right now. It's fair to say I have a pretty low opinion of myself these days.

I can offer an insight into what makes the OW tick if you want to hear it. Well, what made this OW tick anyway. We are all different after all. I was in a shitty place. I needed/wanted something to make myself feel better. And rather than find that something inside myself as I should have done, I looked elsewhere. I was selfish, I know that. He was there, ready, willing and able and probably couldn't believe his fucking luck when I came a knockin'. He played his part and he played me (and his GF) very well.

He told me they were finished in all but name. Had been for years. Didn't sleep together. Were just together out of convenience. You know the script I'm sure. Any self respecting woman would have recognised it for the bullshit it was. I didn't. I believed him. I got in deep, believing that he was going to do the 'right thing' (I know, dillusional) and make a clean break from his GF in order to be with me. I gave him space to do this, to do this right thing. But, instead of doing what he said he was going to do, he left me dangling like a turd on a string.

In never set out to be the OW. I entered into this believing I was The Woman. We were meant to be. We were going to be together properly. In my (stupid) mind, his GF was unhappy too and them breaking up would have freed her to meet her perfect man too. I know, absolute bollocks. But this is what I genuinely thought. And in the happy moments when we were together, when I thought that this was what happiness was, I'm ashamed to say, I didn't think about his GF much at all. I thought about her when he was with her and not with me. But I can hand on heart never thought about winning or beating anyone. I thought we were in love and that we were meant to be and that everything would work out for all of us in the end. It didn't. Worked out for FBL alright, but not for me and not for her.

It probably doesn't make much sense to someone who would never do something like this. I hope what a PP said is true. I hope his GF knows deep down and that she lets those suspicions rise to the surface and she too sees him for the lying user he is. She deserves to know. Am I brave enough to be the one to tell her? Probably not. Do you think I should?

And just to add, perhaps what made it all so credible was that I was coming out of the situation he described with his GF. Together but not together. No sex, no communication, no relationship. Convenient and doomed.

If I lived it, why couldn't he be living it too? That's where he got me. I saw me and him as two people that were in similar situations and weren't we so lucky to have found eachother again. Serendipity.

Yeah, in your face fate and all the 'meant-to-be' bollocks. All it's given me is more hearbreak than I've ever experienced. I'm really broken from it all. So for the wives and girlfriends who want to see the OW suffer, rightly or wrongly, this one is. Big time. While Mr Lying-Using-Bastard-Head is sitting back on his ass loving life. Where's fucking karma there, eh?

Another site I can recommend is:-

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/my-books/

I have the book, "Mr Unavailable & the Fallback Girl" which is very enlightening and explains so much about what keeps some of us in these toxic relationships.

You've really been through the mill. Time to build yourself up again and become immune to those sweet-talking snakes.

Thanks so much FFTG! More reading to keep my mind occupied. In the meantime, I've written a love letter to FBL. Have a read and tell me if it's too gushing

So, I’ve been thinking and have had a bit of a lightbulb moment about you and our so-called friendship. And I’ve decided I don’t want you in my life in any shape or form. What brought me to this conclusion? Well buckle up cowboy, you’re about to get a few home truths about the kind of ‘friend’ and person you are.

You have lied to me, you have used me, you have hurt me, you have left me dangling like a turd on a string while you ‘decided’ if I was good enough. I use the word turd deliberately, because you have treated me like a piece of shit. Oh, I was good enough for a few fucks (what an honour – I’ll come back to that), but I wasn’t good enough to be with you. That I can accept; you can’t make someone love you, but what I will never accept is that you didn’t even have the balls to tell me. I had to ask you. Coward.

^The straw that broke this camel’s back was the way you oh so nicely warned me off the other night with your “terms” of friendship. Don’t call me, I’ll call you. What an arrogant prick you are, FBL. You do not deserve my friendship. Unlike you, the people I call friends are those I care about and that care about me. You are neither of these things.
I feel so fucking sorry for Cxxx. She has no idea that the man she calls her partner is such a lying, cheating, cowardly prick. A ‘man’ (and I use that word loosely) that has no empathy or feelings for anyone but himself. I asked you if you were in love with Cxxx. You couldn’t even give a straight answer to that. Surprise, surprise it was all about what she does for you “she understands me”, “she’d do anything for me”, “she has never done anything against me”. Shame she will never be able to say the same about you. You love nobody but yourself. Look up Narcissistic Personality Disorder sometime fuck-face, you mind learn a few things about the type of person you are.^

You have 3 kids. Yet contact with only 2 and even that is minimal. They probably hate you too. And what about the other kid? Any man that can walk away from his own child is not someone I could ever trust around mine. You are fucking horrible.

Lets get back to the sex. Yeah, it was good for me, no point lying. You know why? Because I was good. All you had to do was stay hard and lie back most of the time. The only time you came was when I had you in my mouth! Your inability to even orgasm normally says something about you. Weird little man.

You have no friends. You have acquaintances and are so fucking proud of all your contacts on things like Facebook and Linkedin, but real friends? You have fucking nobody.

Now, none of this makes easy reading I’m sure. Your massive ego is taking a hit here. But mark my words, your are fucking lucky I’m limiting this to just you. Give me a couple of hours and I will get Cxxx’s phone number. Trust me when I tell you that. Cxxx Hxxx, Bxxx, still has shares in her ex husband’s xxxx company (Dxxx Hxxx). That’s all I need. I could find her number with no bother. I could phone her and tell her exactly what her ‘partner’ has been up to. I have proof. But, calm down, before you have a fucking stroke, I won’t do that. Even though she should know and if you were any sort of man you’d fucking tell her yourself. Of course you won’t you pathetic, chicken shit waste of space.

So yeah, that’s all I have to say to you. Oh I could go on. I could go on and fucking on all fucking day, but I better stop before I say something I regret... So right back at you asshole. NEVER contact me again you sad little fucker. Have a completely miserable life. Which you will. You are going to die a sad, pathetic, lonely man. And your alcoholism (you are by the way) will probably fuck you up for a long time before you take your last breath. I hope you die screaming. Who will cry over you? Nobody. You can’t go through life the way you have and die loved. You just can’t. Fuck you FBL.

Sorry, bit of an italic fail there, but you get the gist!

Shit hard to read that in italics actually. Feel a bit sea-sick!

I hope you feel better after reading that but for the love of god don't send it!

I am sure that was very cathartic for you, OP Giving it to him with both barrels, haha!

I am assuming you are NOT sending it though and this is purely a mental exercise?

Sending it would not be a good idea AT ALL, however tempting it may be. For one thing, his twisted ego will be puffed up at how much he has made you care and how much effort you have gone to, writing this. You wouldn't want him showing it to anyone else either. Once you send it, you lose control of where it ends up!

Have a glass of wine and burn the letter on the BBQ or something. As the flames die down and the smoke goes up, you can see it as a real purge of your past love-life and look forward to the better life that is surely on its way for you now

Nope, not gonna send it. No point to it. I doubt he'd care. This is my metaphorical BBQ. Still giving the wine a miss for now! I pounded that 'love' letter out in about 2 minutes flat. I have so much rage inside right now.

It's all part of the process I guess. Thanks for reading. Sorry to bleat on so much, but this is really helping.

Now that you wrote and can read for yourself who he really is i bet you wonder what the hell were you thinking. Good. It will keep you strong when/if he tries to contact you again. The facade has fallen and what's inside is pretty pathetic really. It's always cathartic when you can finally see behind the beautiful lies . No matter how much it hurts now,you've actually started the healing process...just keep on going.

Pp's are right...whatever you do,do not send him that letter

Yeah, Rebel. It's all pretty pathetic. He's pathetic and I'm pathetic for ever getting myself into this situation. Most pathetic of all is that I still miss the knob. Why? WHY?! Maybe it's my ego that's the problem. Maybe it's the rejection that's stinging rather than the loss of him. Dunno. Anyway, I'll keep on keeping on. Got no choice in that one.

Reread the letter again... Do you really miss HIM? Or do you miss the lies and the life/relationship you could've had? The hardest bit will be for you to make the distinction between who he really is and who he pretended to be(who you also needed/wanted him to be). Once there's no confusion,things will get better. There's no specific time frame for this,or magic trick...you just need to go through the process.

That speech is glorious!!!
If that didn't make you feel better nothing will,
Do not ever send it to him though & give him the satisfaction of seeing how much he's got to you !!!!!!

Great cathartic speech
I have made so many speeches in my head for the next time I bump into him etc, but each time it got shorter and shorter until, you know what? It doesn't matter! He is a narcissist and will only take from that what he wants to ie an ego boost. I promise with NC you will get to the stage where you don't even care about telling him what he did/ how he made you feel. In fact you will be more than happy to keep it to yourself, leave him in the dark to carry on destroying his own life. It's enough that you know what he is, escaped without too much personal damage and you KNOW he won't understand or change.

The best advice I can offer is keep on mumsnet!!! The advice in here, and reading other people's situations without your own emotions attached gives me a real boost. In my head I call it channeling my inner anyfucker . There are lots of posters on here with amazing words of wisdom but if we all had a little anyfucker about us in these situations, well the boards would be very quiet!!

Thanks once again to you all for taking the time to reply. I will absolutely keep reading that speech and editing and adding in my mind. There's so much more I have to say. It's all there in black and white. What he is, what I am and why I'm in the shits today. I guess it just takes the heart a bit longer to catch up with the head.

Just watched a scene on TV, a couple in love. They were dancing and way he was looking at her reminded me of the way FBL looked at me. But instead of making me (even more) depressed, it kind of gave me hope that there are lots of other good men out there that look at women that way and maybe, with time and a lot of work on me, I might be lucky enough to find a man that looks at me like that again. And hey, who knows, maybe he'll actually mean it!

Good advice biddley, I'm trying hard to channel my inner FoolNoMore. She's in there. She just needs a bit of time to get her shit together. I'll defo stay on MN, it's done me more good than you'll ever know. Just to have a forum to let it all out has been invaluable.

And again, I won't send the letter. I'd fucking love to, but I'd want to fine tune it a bit and most importantly, be there to see his face. However, I suspect my pleasure would be shortlived. Despite the preconception of OW, I don't want to hurt anyone really. As luck (?) would have it, the only person hurt right now is me. But hey, I'm a tough old bird. I'll get there eventually.

I'm sorry for your suffering NoFool. I agree, there's probably some residual grief lurking after the break up of your marriage so you were vulnerable. They have such egos some of these bloody men. When it suited him he told you his gf had had a hard time, but I'm sure he wasn't actually saying that when he wanted to indulge his fantasies with you! The timing of it says it all. I know the pain you speak kf and it's horrendous. You will heal. Take small steps. Do things for yourself and learn from this. Someone better will turn up one day and you will rejoice.x

Thanks so much Greenanmighty, I'm living for one day. As things stand though, it's Day 3.

Do you think that men go into situations like this fully aware that they are lying? Are people really so callous, is it all premeditated? Are they feeding lines, making plans and promising things that they know they will never deliver? Or is it that they are living some sort of fantasy; real in the moment. Then in the cold light of day, when reality sets in they realise they can't or won't see it through.

I'm struggling with that right now. Was he laughing at me the whole time? And if so, why? I know that there is a view that some men will do anything for sex. Frankly, the sex was there without the empty promises, so what was the point?

Anyway, yeah, Day 3. Onwards.

NoFool this is going to sound crazy as fuck but I really think I know this guy. Can I pm you?

I'm intrigued 2nds... PM surely!

Yes, I think men who do this know what they're doing. I think they're in a fantasy escape world and don't have the courage to live honestly and face the reality of their lives and the consequences of their actions.