Husband left and the kids know cont.

[Attheendofmytether1]

Just looking for some advice and reassurance really.
On from my last threads, husband wanted to separate but live short term at home after a history of affairs (on his side).
I was devastated and felt I had no choice but to tell my four DC (he wanted to keep it secret for a while).
I asked him to leave and he is now sleeping at his aunt's home.
For the last week he has been here every waking minute and going to his aunts after DC in bed about 9.30pm.
He's always asking me am I ok and why I have him 'restricted' on FB and yesterday he said I was 'different' because I was just getting on with life and not crying.
I had to go to a work mixer last night so he slept on the sofa and has been here all day.
It has just got too much and feels too normal and was breaking my heart so I asked him to leave and go to his aunts about 6 as he was going out tonight to a leaving do at work . He was furious and said he wanted to get ready here and 'not to cause a fuss' but I insisted.
I feel guilty but I think for myself it was the right thing. I need space to heal. He is playing with my mind and giving me hope.
My anxiety is sky high and have Mae cakes and bread to keep my hands busy.
How do I get over my soulmate

Thank you. Am not eating but am living on Diet Coke.
His parents have been very supportive but in wary of rocking the boat.
I have to get up as my daughter has a friend visiting at noon.
I spent last night making bread and cake for her coming. I'm desperate to create the illusion of being a perfect mother because I feel so empty inside.
He sent a pm about 20 mins ago asking 'how's kids' but hasn't gone back to read my reply so even that shows his actions are more for show than caring.
I miss him 😢

What he wants is to see you in a heap and he hasn't seen that. It would give him an ego boost. Don't let that happen. You aim should be emotional detachment, so that you soon feel indifferent about him. I know this isn't an overnight process though.

Yes, it is his house too, but him there isn't helping you or the kids adjust.

In order to move things forward, it would be good to find the strength to bring up divorce. He's a lot of power in the marriage and you need to take some control back.

Divorced people don't live together and that way you can focus on the future. The world doesn't centre around him and the sooner you show him you will not crumble without him the better.

This is not the same you as last time.d

Start drinking proper Coke at least! You need the sugar.
If you can drink can you manage a milk shake? Or a bit of soup.

No I'm sot the same as last time which I don't think for myself is a good thing.
Last time I was in such a state I was unaware really of what was going on around me, my mum had to fly home from Her home abroad to look after me and she and my MIL took over the childcare and the running of the house.
This time I'm keeping it together for the kids (apart from the off tear) and keeping things normal for them, but I'm totally on self-destruct. I KNOW I need to eat, I AM hungry but I just WONT. I know it's stupid but I just don't want to.
I find the early morning and afternoons the worse. I feel like I'm having a heart attack (panic attacks) and I want him to hug me so much.
He just doesn't care

Attheend all this is completely understandable. It is very hard to accept how cold and detached someone who has shared your life will be. I was exactly like you, and had some really good advice on here on what to do. They were right but I was paralysed, which is what I see in you. It may be that it takes a little time to do what you need to, so you need to work at a pace that you can manage. I have now done most of the things that the mumsnetters advised, but probably at the rate of one a month! So the list (and you should pick what you can manage) probably goes like this
Do not do the pick me dance - (I did, for what it's worth)
See a solicitor to see where you stand - and write down the detail. Just having the information is empowering since even if you don't do anything with it initially just knowing what's what allows you to not be upset by his bullying bullshit.
Pack up his clothes and stuff - if it feels like an aggressive act or a move that's too final, just move it into a spare room so that your own room starts to feel more like yours.
Don't let him come and go as he pleases - this can be difficult to uphold, have a lock installed on the door of your room so that you have a sanctuary and can keep personal stuff in there away from him.
Divorce him - download the form and send it off with the court fee - put down his aunt's address as his.

This is just my two-pence worth - I'm a long time lurker here on Mumsnet but have slowly and painfully worked through a lot, much of the time paralysed and procrastinating, but gathering the information and mental strength to move forward. I know it seems insurmountable, but just take baby-steps and in a few months you'll look back in awe at yourself. PM me if you like, and please look after yourself.

I think this sounds unbearable. Have you seen a solicitor?

Disappointed, that is exactly how I feel. Paralysed. Both my MIL and DM ( who is frantic as she lives abroad) are pushing me to eat. I spent last night making bread and cake to keep my hands busy and not texting him, so I had a bit of bread and it's given me such a pain in my stomach (I have a gastric ulcer).

Haven't seen a solicitor as things just still seem so up in the air.
I'm trying to ignore him but then he texts asking why I'm ignoring him?!? If I act normal I get a text telling me 'I've changed'.
Am just so confused

Block his texts, or switch off your mobile. Get on with positive stuff. Choose one way to communicate with him, email? And limit how often you check (once a day moving to once a week).
He isn't being fair in dropping a bombshell and then expecting you "to get over it".
Give yourself time and space.

We only communicate on FB private message now.
I'm just so tired and miss him so much.

I haven't RTFT but just a thought, do you think that maybe he is a constant figure in the house now, because that way you'd find it impossible to move on and meet someone else?

My XH did this after we broke up (his infidelity). He was forever 'just popping round' at random times, or turning up with some random old bit of shit of mine, saying 'i found this in my suitcase, thought you'd want it back'.

IMHO, I do think your manipulating bastard H has moved on (sorry OP ) but God forbid you dent his precious ego by doing the same. I think that's why he's become a fixture in your house, to prevent you doing it.

I told my XH that there was no reason to come to my home unless invited, which he wouldn't be. Of course this is far harder for you, because there's children involved, and also because you still care about him though.

I think it does his ego good to see me distressed.
If he's moved on why does he keep asking how I am and why I'm 'acting differently'

I'd go as far as to say that it's a form of mental abuse OP.

If he genuinely wanted to make sure you were alright he would allow you to move on, by keeping a formal arrangement with you regarding the DCs, so you could adapt, heal, and move on.

This man has made it clear in voice, that he has no intention of 'coming home' and having the label of someone's Husband. He's quite happy to hold all the cards. He gets both worlds, daddy and man on the town and his ego stroked to boot

He knows explicitly how much you want him, you've told him, and he has said he doesn't feel the same.

But he comes round daily, lets you have what you want so much for a temporary fix, shows concern, and gives you just enough to enjoy that routine and then picks up his jacket and fucks off back to the single world, and leaves you there alone.
And he does that to you every day.

What an absolute disgusting bastard, can't you see how cruel he is being by doing that?

Yes I see that for sure

He's been asleep here today on the couch and kids are doing their own thing. Like what's the point?!?

take them out, come back at bedtime and tell him to get out.

wake him up and tell him to go. And double bolt the door so he can't let himself in tomorrow. This has to stop. Do you really think him sleeping on your sofa all day is better than him not being there at all? Stop clinging on and get rid. And he doesn't come round unless you invite him in. End of. No exceptions. Time to take control and find your backbone. And please stop punishing yourself and start bloody eating.

If you go too long without eating, you will faint, which will upset the children. Do you think this might be a "look what you've done to me" thing aimed at your H? Soup, milky drink, yoghurt. Just a few mouthfuls to start, then build up.

Thank you. Yes I've done the 'blackout' thing before five years ago.
I think that for me it's a form of control. Like I have no control over what happens to my family but I can control what I put in my mouth.

Well you can get control if you tell him to bugger off and start eating and looking after yourself. You can treat yourself well cos he clearly is not going to do that. Have you told him to go yet?

No he's still here. I'm weak and stupid

Why is he there?

Contact for children is not watching their father sleep.

In fact when he's gone tell him in future he needs to take them out "as obviously your presence is inhibiting him from interacting with them". Then make sure next time they are at the door waiting with bags etc. No he can't just use the loo.

At present he is deliberately controlling you and not doing anything to build a relationship with the children.

You are all so right. Tbh he is here because I WANT him to be. It's not doing me any favours him being here and I don't really know why he would want to be here. I've been sitting upstairs with the DC as they are busy doing their own thing.
He looks shocking.

I've asked him to go and sleep several times but he keeps saying no I'll go later. It's getting to the point where Itscstarting to be poor him again

And that's exactly where he wants you.
You unable to live wo him (so he is in the house all the time so you can't 'forget' him)
And you really upset because it's a sign that you are still 'keen' on him therefore likely to forgive him. If you get on with things, you are telling him you are over him which is not an acceptable situation for him.

When you are saying you want him in the house, why is that? What does he bring into the relationship, into your dcs life's?
What is he doing that makes you think 'yes he is a great person and would be an asset with your life'?

I suspect the resin you want there is who he WAS, the man you THOUGHT he was, before all the infidelities, an image, a mirage rather than a real person iyswim