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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Does he deserve forgiving

34 replies

Redcupcake · 01/07/2016 20:53

Okay so I had a baby boy 9 weeks ago he is beautiful and everything I have ever wanted, he isn't the problem obviously it is my partner this is kinda a long story but I need some girls advice and as sad as it sounds I don't have many of those that I can talk to.

I was playfully looking through the internet history (being naughty really) looking for my anniversary gift from my partner when I came across plenty of fish the internet dating site! Me and him are the only ones that use the laptop obviously so I did more digging before I went in and verbally attacked him (obviously hormonal that's to be expected)

I checked his phone and he had this app called VK its a porn app, he would of had to get it on his phone because I have a net nanny on at home so no porn aloud. On this app there is a messaging section and he is messaging a girl (porn star low budget) for videos of her. Obviously heartbroken but I do more digging,

I made an account on this POF site so I could find him and BAM there he is active less than a month ago meaning our first son had already been born this crippled me.

I confronted him and told him to tell me everything he lied and lied again until eventually I kicked him out he then came back with his tail between his legs and told me everything in his word 'I was just being stupid'. 'I didn't cheat on you physically and I never would' SO WHY? is it okay to talk to other girls in a sexual manner?

He made the dating acc in 2013!! come on that hurts like hell he hasn't physically cheated but he has spoken to woman in a sexual manner and being flirty pretty much all the way through our relationship on and off.

After a lot of talking I decided to give him another chance, please know I did this for my baby no baby deserves to grow up with a mum and a dad fighting and breaking up when they are so young.

Lately I have been down and I don't know if that's the reason why, I always want to sleep I can't go one day without stressing at him (unlike me I am very calm) I just want to cuddle the baby and play with the baby... It's our anniversary in a few days and I just think mentally it is all to much.

I know it is a lot to take in but I need advice.
-What can I do to try and calm myself down
-Does he deserve to be forgiven?
-why am I finding it so hard to believe he won't do it again?

  • am I an idiot?
OP posts:
crayfish · 01/07/2016 21:05

You're not an idiot, that's for sure. Sometimes I wonder what the fuck is wrong with some men, this is the second post I've read tonight where a man has cheated around the time his wife gives birth.

Should you forgive him? Only you can answer that. I wouldn't personally but this is your marriage. I couldn't look at DH in the same way again if he did what yours has. Has he even explained properly why he did it?!

Original poster
Redcupcake · 01/07/2016 21:13

Hey crayfish,
That is the annoying thing his excuse was 'I was just being stupid' and then he gets in a hissy fit when I ask him what the real reason is because being stupid isn't a reason for making a dating account so he can speak to other woman.

He obviously isn't happy in the relationship and feeling unsatisfied in some way, But NOOO the reason he did it is that he is 'stupid' well I could have told him that one yet every time I tell him that's not a good enough reason he turns on the water works and asks 'What do you want me to say' Um the truth maybe? ... I am fuming he can't even tell my why he has done it when he has been caught red handed.

I want to be with him I really do but I don't know how much longer I can go on like this, it is making me depressed and this should be how life is 9 weeks after I have had my first baby.

OP posts:
RudeElf · 01/07/2016 21:21

i feel i have been through enough to know what my own non-negotiables are in a relationship.

One of them is that anyone who would even consider joining a dating or porn site would have no place in my life. I have been through it to know it only goes downhill from there and it is a HUGE indicator of what you can expect from him in future. Maybe not immediately, but he'll go there again. Believe me on this. If you can accept that then go ahead and stay with him. Its not for me to tell you what your boundaries and standards should be. I just know if he was my partner he wouldnt be any longer. I speak as someone who has ended a relationship with my chilren's father once at 6 weeks before baby was born and second time (yes, i took him back like a fool) was when baby was a year old. I can tell you my home and children is a much happier place than when he was here. Lack of trust is like a disease that eats your relationship bit by bit until all you are left with is this black feeling of anger.

Original poster
Redcupcake · 01/07/2016 21:28

He was so deceiving I have never been unhappy in this relationship but he obviously has, he sure fooled me. I am just having a really hard time with this at the moment. I want to forgive him but I just don't know if I have it in me to be that person, I have no shame in saying this is really emotionally killed me off I am so sad and upset but if I cry I feel weak. I have to stay strong for the baby.

OP posts:
RudeElf · 01/07/2016 21:34

You know you dont actually have to make a decision on this immediately. You can take some time away from him and let your head work through it without him there to pressure you into anything.

Original poster
Redcupcake · 01/07/2016 21:42

That is actually be the best advice anyone has given me, some alone time where I can actually think and enjoy some time alone with my baby :) Thank you

OP posts:
RudeElf · 01/07/2016 21:45

Be firm. Dont be bullied into making a decision. Also remember that any decision you do make can be changed at any time. You are under no obligation to be with anyone whether you have children/a home/a mortgage/a holiday booked together or not. Your baby deserves a happy home. That isnt always the same as having both parents in it. He can still be a parent without being in a relationship with you.

Original poster
Redcupcake · 01/07/2016 21:49

I just wanted to understand why he did it, he made me feel so tiny and insignificant he thinks I am just going to get over it when in reality I have never been so hurt to the point where I don't actually want to look at him sometimes. I think before I make any decisions I will have some alone time and think about it as they are all big decisions to make and at the end of the day I do love him. I just need to figure out what is the best for me and my baby.

OP posts:
RudeElf · 01/07/2016 22:02

he thinks I am just going to get over it

No, he hopes you do. Because that is what makes his life easiest. If you get over it ASAP then his life stays as it was before with as little inconvenience and discomfort to him as possible. Just remember you are not there to make his life easier or to create as little disruption for him as possible. This decision is not one to make based on what he wants to happen. It is based on what you want to happen and what is best for you and your baby both now and in the long term. Its a tough decision but its one of the ones that is really worth taking the time to think about. Take care of you and your baby.

candybar007 · 01/07/2016 22:07

Don`t rush in to any decision.

smilingeyes11 · 01/07/2016 23:49

He did it because he wants to. Why would a cheat and a liar be what is best for you and your baby? Don't you deserve better than that. Don't labour under the pretence that parents who are together are the best option - not when one of them is a porn using, unfaithful arse.

FolderReformedScruncher · 02/07/2016 07:00

I would not be able to forgive his behaviour OP.
I know it would eat me alive.

Chocolatefudgecake100 · 02/07/2016 08:54

No op i wouldnt forgive he broke your trust and its not physical cheating but its cheating i know it hurts and its so hard but
This man has 0 respect ur better offFlowers

user1467042399 · 02/07/2016 09:15

Be very careful in trusting him again.
My experience is if they are out there looking it's because they are unhappy or bored (not your fault at all btw)
How long before he is "stupid" again and physically cheats.
I couldn't trust him.
Congrats on your baby.
You don't deserve that,

Isetan · 02/07/2016 16:07

I think deep down you know that his behaviour screams he doesn't get it and even worse, he doesn't care to bother trying to get it. His impatience at you not 'getting over it already' is confirmation that he believes the pan he caused you, shouldn't inconvenience him.

I doubt you'll ever get past this without his cooperation and consideration and those behaviours, are in very short supply with this one.

saskdilemma · 02/07/2016 16:27

I had a dp of four years once. He was the epitome of a scumbag. At the end I had enough and I kicked him out. When he asked why I told him his boss had a bigger dick and I repeated this to everyone who we knew mutually who asked about the split. It's funny to say but he has pretty much dumped every single one of them as a friend and is now living in Bangkok with all the cheap escorts his heart desires.

saskdilemma · 02/07/2016 16:29

Sometimes you have to kick em where it hurts ( the mind, the ego and self confidence).
I've heard men say to their friends that they dumped a woman... Because she was too fat or bad in bed... A right old feminist aren't I?

A few years later and my awesome DH heard about this and he couldn't stop laughing!

saskdilemma · 02/07/2016 16:31

He's not satisfied and you've caught him at the first stages of his cheating habits- it develops and eventually he will cheat. My advice is not to be in the people making business( Ie not try to make an adult a better person and find a man who's already decent).

Original poster
Redcupcake · 02/07/2016 18:11

Thanks for all the comments everyone. It is just hard because we have been together for 4 years and he is my first true love I am only 21 and now we have a baby together. I don't want people to look at me and think that I am just ANOTHER single mum for them to judge (Not that their is anything wrong with that but I know people can be cruel) . I really do love my OH but a day doesn't go by where I don't think about it to the point even my mother asked what's on my mind and if I was depressed.

I am not depressed I love my life and my baby more than anything so why should I have to get branded depressed because he has hurt me. I think to be honest I am an idiot because I really want to believe he would never do anything like this to me again ... A girl can hope right.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redcupcake · 02/07/2016 18:16

I just want to know the mentality of a man why he thinks it would be okay to
A. sign up to a dating website and talk to random woman in a flirty and sexual manner
B. Download a porn app to message random woman on that to ask them for videos?

All the while I'm only pregnant with his first child and then gave birth to him ... He has actually no respect for me and I just want to know when he stopped caring because I'll give it to him, he is a dam good liar because he has me fooled for so long

OP posts:
smilingeyes11 · 02/07/2016 18:18

he doesn't care about women in general - the porn use and the way he flirts with someone else shows that. This is not about you, it is about the sort of person he is.

You are so bloody young. Why waste another second on him? And you know what, single motherhood is great. If someone wants to criticise you for being one well they are no friend. I have never been judged for it - why do you think you would?

RudeElf · 02/07/2016 18:22

I don't want people to look at me and think that I am just ANOTHER single mum for them to judge

I was that teenage single mum. I'm 11 years down the line now and I can tell you that it literally does not matter that people judge you. (and yes, some will!) other people's thoughts about me have had zero bearing on how my life has turned out. There could be people out there right now who hate me. I have no idea. Why? Because it affects them, not me. I'm oblivious. I just get on with feeding my kids, going to work, getting the shopping etc. Their opinions affect none of that. Dont give another second's thought to what anyone else thinks of you. Its the biggest waste of stress energy ever because there is no purpose to it.

he is a dam good liar because he has me fooled for so long

Remember this! Remember how long you knew nothing. How much he must have lied to hide it. Remember how easily he did that and how you didnt have a clue. Thats how little clue you will have next time.

Original poster
Redcupcake · 02/07/2016 18:24

I have seen young mums judged so bad to the point where they have no one and it doesn't look like fun.

He has sworn blind that he would never do it again but I guess that is another good way to see it that he has no respect for any woman... All I can say is that he isn't the person I thought he was and I don't even know him anymore.

OP posts:
Original poster
Redcupcake · 02/07/2016 18:26

I just feel empty inside I mean this should be the happiest time of our lives and I can't even look at him at the moment without wanting to scream.

OP posts:
RudeElf · 02/07/2016 18:31

Its an awful feeling. I remember just crying and crying. I knew i could never trust him but i was so scared to end it. I was worried about being seen as single teenage mum. I was worried that people would say i shouldnt have ended it because i had no proof (he denied it all) I hung on and hung on for far too long. He didnt change. He just got better at hiding his lies.