Does he deserve forgiving

[Redcupcake]

Okay so I had a baby boy 9 weeks ago he is beautiful and everything I have ever wanted, he isn't the problem obviously it is my partner this is kinda a long story but I need some girls advice and as sad as it sounds I don't have many of those that I can talk to.

I was playfully looking through the internet history (being naughty really) looking for my anniversary gift from my partner when I came across plenty of fish the internet dating site! Me and him are the only ones that use the laptop obviously so I did more digging before I went in and verbally attacked him (obviously hormonal that's to be expected)

I checked his phone and he had this app called VK its a porn app, he would of had to get it on his phone because I have a net nanny on at home so no porn aloud. On this app there is a messaging section and he is messaging a girl (porn star low budget) for videos of her. Obviously heartbroken but I do more digging,

I made an account on this POF site so I could find him and BAM there he is active less than a month ago meaning our first son had already been born this crippled me.

I confronted him and told him to tell me everything he lied and lied again until eventually I kicked him out he then came back with his tail between his legs and told me everything in his word 'I was just being stupid'. 'I didn't cheat on you physically and I never would' SO WHY? is it okay to talk to other girls in a sexual manner?

He made the dating acc in 2013!! come on that hurts like hell he hasn't physically cheated but he has spoken to woman in a sexual manner and being flirty pretty much all the way through our relationship on and off.

After a lot of talking I decided to give him another chance, please know I did this for my baby no baby deserves to grow up with a mum and a dad fighting and breaking up when they are so young.

Lately I have been down and I don't know if that's the reason why, I always want to sleep I can't go one day without stressing at him (unlike me I am very calm) I just want to cuddle the baby and play with the baby... It's our anniversary in a few days and I just think mentally it is all to much.

I know it is a lot to take in but I need advice.
-What can I do to try and calm myself down
-Does he deserve to be forgiven?
-why am I finding it so hard to believe he won't do it again?

• am I an idiot?

is there no way a leopard can change it's stripes??

I confronted him and told him to tell me everything he lied and lied again until eventually I kicked him out he then came back with his tail between his legs and told me everything in his word 'I was just being stupid'. 'I didn't cheat on you physically and I never would' SO WHY? is it okay to talk to other girls in a sexual manner?

Did he say he was being stupid or you were?

He joined the site in 2013, that's 3 years of him doing this. Isn't that most of your relationship?

From what you say he doesn't get why this is wrong. Would he be happy for you to talk to men online like this?

If he sees nothing wrong with it - I think he could continue doing it. It's one thing must viewing porn, but to chat to the women is ramping it up to another level.

If he was remorseful and promising not to do it again and he understood what he'd done, then maybe you could work on it, but nothing you say shows that.

is there no way a leopard can change its stripes?

Why would he? He's had no consequences for doing it. He only confessed when you actually kicked him out and it was what you already knew. Unless you want to get into a cycle of repeatedly kicking him out to make him be "honest" (tell you what he thinks he can get away with and keep the rest from you)?

Its all so easy to go on these websites now in the digital age. It's on tap 24/7 nowadays and it must be so easy to get caught up in it all especially for a young bloke who now has the responsibility of a relationship and a baby. I am not excusing his behaviour but I think that so many relationships must be very similar to yours as tapping into this sort of stuff is just everywhere and its usage is so commonplace. He is obviously getting off on this stuff and many men can totally separate it from the reality of life, its just a way to get himself off and doesn't mean he would actually cheat in reality. Its not the best basis for a relationship but I think so many men use porn nowadays that you might find it difficult to find a bloke who doesn't use this sort of website on their phone. Be gentle on yourself and enjoy your baby. The darn internet has a lot to answer for.

Hmmm instead of being another one of those "single mums," you'll just be another woman who lets a man walk all over her. I think those ladies get a far worse rep than single mums...I know which id rather be.

And what is it with people in their 20s that think their lives are over after one failed relationship. You have what? 60 years left to find another partner? You need to get some self respect luv.
I can bet on my life he will do this again when things have settled. He'll just be more covert. I'm sorry to be so harsh but I think you need a firm dose of reality.

Sorry but there's no way he didn't physically cheat. Why would he have the sites if not to cheat?

You deserve so much more. These early weeks with baby are precious and he is maring them.

Out of interest do you ban him looking at porn? Why the nannynet st home if no other kids in the house? Men will always want to look at porn, maybe better this than him using dating sites?!?

Plenty of fish is a dating website.
I know lots of people who have met their partner on there. It isn't mumsnet it isn't face book.
It's a site for people to meet to form relationships.
Quite often it leads to marriage.
People do not go on there to seek advice or just to chat.

Would you go to a speed dating event if you seriously did not intend dating someone?

You know he is a liar.

It's entirely your decision as to what you do.
I know of many many relationships which have ended due to infidelity. Two of mt dds friends parents have split this week. One was due to her cheating the other was due to him cheating,

What I can tell you is this.
Leopards do not change their spots, they just get better at concealing their actions.
It is far better for a child if their parents break up when they are young. Far more damage is caused if they are older.

You don't have to make any decisions as yet.

One day you may wake up and decide I want to end this relationship and that is absolutely fine. You may also decide to stay with your dh and that's fine too.

There are women on here who will tell you that their marriage has survived Infidelity. In rl the only couple I know of where this iS. the case, is where the woman went and had a ons after her dh had cheated on her and she told him too.
I say there marriage survived but I haven't actually seen them for years so am assuming they are still together.

Thanks guys this has been a very hard time for me he has 'promised' he won't do it again I know it is hard to believe but it also hard not to believe when you love someone. I know I am a mug but I don't need to make a decision today right?

As some of you said I can think about it and have some me time to mull over the situation and think about the next step weather that be ending it or counselling or what ever.

Also the netnanny is on my internet because it was recommended when I had the thing fitted as they said it would reduce chances or viruses because it won't let you on any dodgy websites (it's very extreme it wouldn't let me open an article about Zac Efron because he was shirtless). So I have it for that reason mainly.

About the porn I have never discussed it until now and I think the only reason it bothered me is because of the plenty of fish thing, but I don't think now is a good time to say "Yeah porns fine just don't cheat on me again" because he doesn't deserve me to go that easy on him, if anything he has to prove to me that he loves me and he can do all the running.

As far as my baby boy goes I am enjoying every second with him he is an amazing character and I love him more than life itself, no one could spoil him or my time with him.

Thanks netmummys you have all been an amazing help and have all raised great points, I feel like I can really level with a lot of you and that's what I needed. :)

You don't need to decide today or tomorrow. You have a new baby and he should be your main focus at the moment.

Keep watching his actions and you are within your rights to let him know that you still feel hurt and don't fully trust him.

People can change, but what exactly has he done to show you that he's remorseful and will change?