I'm ruining everybody's life, especially DH.

[UselessBitch]

I am an awful, messed up person. I keep making the same stupid decisions again and again. I have cheated on DH while drunk and he's forgiven me. I have run up tens of thousands in credit card debts several times. I only manage to clean the house once a week and that's because MIL comes over and helps me. I have days when I can't even get out of bed or get dressed. DH had to take today off work because I was suicidal.

I just can't go on like this. I'm toxic. DH is so amazing and I don't deserve him at all, if he posted on here about me you'd all tell him to leave me. We have fantastic kids who are being damaged by me, social services are a constant presence and they've been referred to a young carers group. None of them deserve this and I'm not sure how much longer they will put up with me.

I'm not sure what I'm hoping for from this post, I just needed to say it somewhere. I'm a hateful person.

You might feel strong enough for naff but wonderful groups one day.

Be kind. You're your own worst critic so try and think 'gosh whatever I think of myself - no one thinks worse of me' it will be true.

One day at a time - it's very early days lovely. Take deep breaths and enjoy your pillow, your view out of the window, the sound of your children. Small things, step by step every day. Take care of you xxx

Sandy No one is mollycollying. Speak as you wish but we are that what you are saying is pointless, you clearly have no professional basis to speak from, and your words could be received in a way that will make things much worse. You need to understand that this is not a 'pull yourself together' situation and someone who is going under with guilt at the mess they've made is hardly going to be encouraged or supported by your outlining all that could still go wrong. She doesn't need to be wondering if her husband's going to leave and what she's said about him, I don't think he'd appreciate the suggestion. You clearly don't have a deep understanding of the distorted thinking involved in this world of illness - pointing out how bad things are and how they could get worse is being a Job's comforter. There have been many constructive posts, none of which have been mollycoddling. You need to find a way to be constructive.

Speak as you wish but be aware

I'm feeling a bit less bleak this morning. I got through yesterday without self harming at all, which is huge. The thoughts are all still there but I'm challenging them. Thanks so much for all your posts, it really helped

Remember that alcohol is a terrible depressant so yesterday was probably made 10x worse by the physical effects as well as the shame.

Today is a new day. Glad you feel a little better and if even one thing can make you smile or feel glad then you have made progress. Do you do any meditation or mindfulness? They can help slow down the mind and focus on just being.

There is so much hope for you, you have lived well in the past, have lovely children and a loving husband. Very best wishes.

OP, i'm glad today is a little easier.

i go to a weekly BPD support group run by MIND. i find it really helpful - we do weekly Life Skills to help cope with the awful lucky dip of BPD.

i went to AA when i first decided to quit drinking. i was terrified, and cried all the way through the first meeting. by the end of the second week of going, i had made some awesome friends and wasn't scared any more. it saved my life - i was a very, very rock-bottom alcoholic and had lost everything except my life, and that was likely next.

i have major depression and anxiety alongside my BPD and alcoholism. i know how hard it sucks when you can't see any way out of the black hole. my XH refused to acknowledge at all that i was ill, even after 2 spells in a psych ward. my current partner is amazing and a huge support. your DP sounds like a good one. lean on him., and keep on keeping on.

and sandy - often there is no help to be insisted upon. in my area there is no NHS therapy available outside of basic CBT. the mental health team routinely discharge anyone with a BPD diagnosis - i was kicked out of secondary services well over a year ago. one week i had a CPN, a care plan and was getting a support worker to try and help me into some kind of routine. the next week i had my GP.

there are no inpatient beds for anyone except the dangerously ill, and even then the turnaround from admission to discharge is very short.

i also have the stigma of a BPD diagnosis to cope with, on top of the illness itself. people with BPD are routinely and casually referred to as crazed, manipulative nightmares who want nothing more than to ruin people's lives and feel sorry for themselves. it's very, very hard to bear at times.

so...kindness is easy to give, and that is what OP is being offered. there is so little else - would you begrudge them that?

Ex wife

I don't begrudge anything, but when the OP is talking suicide and self harm, being kind won't fix that.

I'm telling her she is worth more and she will be missed by those who love her

OP - you are a mother, a wife and a daughter. Perhaps you're a sibling and a cousin/grandaughter and much more.

I have had low periods where I thought I'd be better off dead, but I am all those things to other people and I realised I was loved .... you are too.

I know the NHS is stretched. The OH Nurse at my company said the CMHT have let people down,.but he also told me that the more noise you make, they can do more even to get you off their backs.

Sometimes they can look at different medication or increasing the dosage of the medication you're on. I don't know everything you've tried, but I know that things won't end as a happy ever after if nothing changes.

There are children in the mix here or I wouldn't even comment TBH , they need you even though you don't seem to think so. They need a fit and healthy mum and they would miss you so much.

My DD just had her high school prom recently. My cousin died a couple of years ago and she will wasn't here to see her daughters prom. She had her dad go bra shopping with her and misses her mum terribly. A mother's role is priceless.

You may not have girls, but don't underestimate your importance to others. Especially your children.

At the moment he can evidence your inability to cope and look after your children. You are unable to keep the home order. This could all get too much for him with the constant worry that you will harm yourself and he may find the safest thing is to have you placed in a MH unit for your own safety and his sanity

Anyone who can spout this kind of crap in this day and age should fuck the fuck off of this thread and I'm disappointed that I'm having to direct this to you, Sandy, as there've been numerous other posts on which your responses haven't been found wanting.

Kindness may not be the panacea that enables the OP to turn her life around, but scaremongering, platitudes, and guilt-tripping can only cause her to feel infinitely worse about herself and her condition and may engender needless paranoia that could undermine whatever fragile stability she is able to create for herself with the help and support of her obviously devoted dh.

One day at a time, OP. And if one day is too large a portion to easily digest, take it one hour or one minute at a time and DON'T use linear measurement to document your progress.

They need a fit and healthy mum

That's not true, actually. Kids just need their mum, full stop. And mums come in all shapes, sizes and varying degrees of ability and disability. At the end of the day, what matters most is not being perfect but being there, however you can. Sometimes being there is all you can manage and it's a hell of a lot.

You suck at this thread Sandy.

OP, I'm glad you're feeling better today. You have kindness in your life and you have kindness in your heart too, no matter that you don't always do what you mean to do. It comes across in your posts. You care and they know that you care. Your family can clearly see that and that's what love is about. Just hang in there and take any help you can get your hands on. And FFS, stay away from that booze (and situations where there will be booze) if you possibly can.

Be patient OP, it can take a while to find the right med combo. But you WILL get there in the end and feel better, so much better.

Keep fighting on, one day at a time. You CAN do it.

OP, go over some of your posts in this thread and use skills on them. An example is "I could never go to AA, I could never go into a room full of people on my own". That's very black and white, and it's putting up barriers immediately. There are numerous other examples. Use it as an opportunity to look at your own thinking styles and the way your emotions seem to spiral out of hand.

By fit and healthy I didn't mean a first class athlete FFS. Of course many parents suffer ailments of varying degrees. How many people are in tip top condition anyway.

I'm not sure why facing reality and being practical is beyond comprehension among many here.

I get concerned when someone has self harm issues. I know women who have been sectioned as a result of it. It's not a place I'd want the OP to be hence I'm saying she's worth a lot and loved a lot.

If reverse was the case with the OP saying her DH had the issues she has ... you would mostly be spouting to LTB and take the DCs.

People need to get real and be objective. That's real life.

Just for clarity .... a messy house isn't a big issue, unless it's a health hazard or unsafe, especially where kids are concerned.

Self harm and suicidal thoughts are big issues

The everyday man or woman isn't equipped to deal with it. Having witnessed a suicide from a self harmer, I know exactly what I'm talking about on that point. Had I known it would end that way, I would have tried to do so much more by getting MH involved.

Sandy, fuck off. Seriously. How many people have told you that you are being offensive? Listen to them.

Yes agreed, they're big issues sandy. But not issues you should be trying to talk to the OP about, honestly. No one minimising anything and the OP is receiving help. She doesn't need to wake up to reality or be given a kick up the ass which is all you seem able to imagine. She already knows that this is all very serious.

OP your situation sounds just like my DSis a couple of years ago. She got diagnosed BPD and had a long period of CB therapy. She also went to AA - still does I think. The very first time she went, a member came and met her and drove her there. Her DP went with her a few times, so did I, cousin and other friends. If you need someone to go with you, ask your friend, she sounds lovely and ready to help.
I would say, give it time. Try to stop beating yourself up. Do all you can to stay off the booze, even if that means missing the neighbour's parties for now. Take the anti psychs if that's what the GP suggests, don't try to wean yourself off more quickly than she recommends. One day at a time. You're already doing better than yesterday.

What kind of therapy are you having? There are some types that are extremely effective for bpd (dbt being the current gold standard.)

Be kind to yourself - I know that's hard when you feel so bad, but just do one nice (safe) thing for yourself a day. Definitely don't drink - that is best avoided to be honest. And talk to your doc about a medication review. There are some newer antipsychotics that are pretty effective - or you may need your dose putting back up a little.