I'm ruining everybody's life, especially DH.

[UselessBitch]

I am an awful, messed up person. I keep making the same stupid decisions again and again. I have cheated on DH while drunk and he's forgiven me. I have run up tens of thousands in credit card debts several times. I only manage to clean the house once a week and that's because MIL comes over and helps me. I have days when I can't even get out of bed or get dressed. DH had to take today off work because I was suicidal.

I just can't go on like this. I'm toxic. DH is so amazing and I don't deserve him at all, if he posted on here about me you'd all tell him to leave me. We have fantastic kids who are being damaged by me, social services are a constant presence and they've been referred to a young carers group. None of them deserve this and I'm not sure how much longer they will put up with me.

I'm not sure what I'm hoping for from this post, I just needed to say it somewhere. I'm a hateful person.

Also cleaning your house once a week is fine. If my cleaner is off we go twoo weeks.

OP, you actually sound like an extreme version of me, a lot of what you said rings true.

You are not alone. In real life you have your DH and your lovely DC. Online you have all of us.

Don't focus on being shiny and cured, but take each choice as it comes each hour of every day. For your own safety and for the best care of everyone in your family.

Don't compare yourself to others, but focus on getting yourself straight and functioning.

DH keeps telling me about good things I've done. He says that last night was a blip and doesn't define me. I just think, well, it keeps happening and I keep making bad choices. I have very hazy memories of last night so god knows what I was like and what the neighbours think. It wasn't a boozy party at all, me and the host were the only ones drinking.

I hate myself so much. I don't deserve good things.

Op did you post last week asking for help supporting your husband after you told him about your drunk infidelity?

Yes. And he's been utterly amazing about it. I seriously don't deserve him. I can't even look at myself in the mirror.

Sandy

You are being deeply unhelpful. Anecdotes of dreadful things happening to other people aren't helpful. Suggesting that it may all get too much for her husband and talking about him leaving aren't helpful. Suggesting the OP may end up as an inpatient because her DP has 'evidenced' various 'inabilities' aren't helpful. Telling the OP she is unable to keep her home in order when she has just said this is unhelpful. Telling her she will live in regret when she is completely unable to think about that at the moment is deeply unhelpful and possibly harmful. Telling her she has to access help or all these dreadful things will happen when she is already accessing help is nuts. You shouldn't try to talk to someone who is so clearly vulnerable. Sometimes people who have the sensitivity of an elephant and no clue of what people are going through think there's some higher value in 'telling it like it is'. There isn't.

OP, I agree that you sound in a pretty tough place and your decision-making capacity is clearly up the wall. You sound out of control and frightened about it. It sounds like the guilt is exacerbating the mental health problems too. I'm not a health professional but I do have a friend like this and she feels just the same when she isn't well. Try to hang on and keep asking for help. It sounds like your family understand you are ill. You aren't in a position to evaluate what it 'you' and what is the illness so don't try just now. The best thing you can do is not to make any big decisions (including judgements about your own worth) but do whatever you can to focus on your own recovery, in very small steps.

If you can make decision to drink you can make a decision not to drink.

You recognise so much of what you are doing is harmful which is good.

Can you work out a plan with your husband, week one no drinking, week two get out of bed help with kids etc.

I did this when I had pnd and it was very helpful.

I don't agree with you about the decision bit odd. Not unless the medications are correct.

Odd BPD is a lot more complex than that. It requires tightly controlled medication and preferably specialist therapy, which is unfortunately hard to come by. A person with BPD can't 'just' decide to not drink and to clean her house, it really isn't that simple. It's a completely different animal to PND.

So sorry OP. You sound very troubled.

I know this will sound so patronising but can you motivate yourself to do anything to help yourself? Is there a support group you can join? Even AA? Even though you might not think you're 'that bad' - they would help you.

Go for short walks - with the puppy? If you still have him...

Bake (known to be good for mental health issues).

Be kind to yourself - you might be at bottom but bottom is a good place to be, the only way is up. You might come back down again but you'll know you can get back up.

Are there any charities? Church groups? Cake clubs?

You have supportive family so that's great. Really wishing you all the luck and love in the world.

Thank you. I'm not really up for any groups or anything but I do have another therapy course starting soon, leading on from the last one.

I think today has been a particularly bleak day and I need to start using some of my therapy skills. DH is out tonight (unfortunately unavoidable) so I have to put my big girl pants on and be a parent this evening.

I think this has all come to a head today because it's a week since I confessed my infidelity to DH and he's just been so bloody NICE about it. Plus I filled in my PIP form a couple of days ago with my CPN and it was horrendous, I self harmed afterwards. I just feel like I'm spiralling and dragging everyone down with me.

OP, I take it you have borderline personality disorder rather than bipolar? I thunk some posters are presuming the latter. If borderline, then therapy is more important than medication, but it will be a long path to treating this and you will have set backs/ relapses. It's fantastic that your DH is standing by you whilst you work on this. Do try and recognise the way the condition leads you to interpret things and challenge this.

Yes, Borderline Personality Disorder with a side order of major depression. It's been a completely fucked up couple of years.

OP I just want to remind you that all the self hate is your depression talking, you say yourself you used to work, look after the kids well etc. you are ill and depression can tell you you are a terrible person, remind yourself it isn't true your partner wouldn't be saying you are a good person etc if it wasn't true. Remember that.

you are not useless and you have people that love you

OP, i hate doing those forms as well. it's not great writing lists of how broken i am.

i gave up drinking a bit over 2 years ago. my BPD diagnosis was kept from me so i had no idea why i was so out of control. i will say that my meds work better and my life is less chaotic without the booze.

i'm so sorry things feel so awful. please, ring the crisis team if you need them. and i know it feels impossible but things can get better.

thinking of you.

I need to stop drinking, nothing good ever comes of it. I can't go to AA, there's no way I could walk into a room full of people on my own. But I've given up booze before, for a whole year, so I'm sure I can do it again. I just have to resist the impulses.

You can go to AA. They are a lovely bunch of people. I know as I am one of them. You will meet lots of people who don't drink anymore and take it a day at a time. They have been where you are and I promise they will try to help you. All you need is a desire to stop drinking. Please call their helpline. Someone will meet you first!

If you can share, what was the trigger for your breakdown? Just maybe, a talking therapy can address some of the underlying issues?

I burnt out trying to juggle ft work and the kids and the house and everything. I went part time and work went to shit, they were awful to me. So that was the tipping point really. I spent a week in bed and eventually took an OD.

Getting the bpd diagnosis helped me to make sense of my car crash of a life, so it was a positive thing in that respect. I've just not managed to shake the depression for more than a couple of weeks at a time for two years.

I've been coming off an antipsychotic for a while now and I'm down to a tiny dose, but I suspect when I see the psych next week he'll want to up it again. I've been all over the place the past few weeks.

Gonetosee

If she's accessing help and still feeling this way, what do you suggest? She needs to continue to keep trying to get help.

If you have pain and it's not getting better, you don't give up. GPs can fob you off if you don't persist.

It's not only the OPs health at risk here.

Mollycodling won't help here. This is a serious situation.

You have your opinion and I have mine. I'll speak as I wish BTW.

Op your post could be my story. I too have been in the position you are (for nearly 10 years only diagnosed 4 years ago with bipolar, although borderline was discussed at one point ). You are in a bad place at the moment and you need to keep asking for help. The actions and feelings are not you- they are your illness. Please keep that at the front of your mind. I got really good treatment privately (may be worth looking into if it's financially viable) and the last 12 months have been so much better than the 9 years before through therapy, much reduced alcohol intake, good diet, sleep and exercise I am now stable. Complex mental health problems are complex to treat but you can get better. Please keep seeking help, engaging with therapy and talking. Your dh sounds amazing (mine is too- he has taken so much from me) and he wants to help you.

Thank you. It's good to hear that you've got to a stable place. That's what I want more than anything.

DH will be with me all weekend so I'll be ok and if I'm still in this hole on Monday I'll call my cpn.

My lovely friend who was with me last night and poured me home has just come round to make sure I'm ok. She's seen me in that state before but not quite as bad. I feel a lot better that she doesn't hate me and she understands. She's also going to take a much tougher stance on me drinking, she did try and stop me last night but I was a bitch about it.