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Original poster

Does your dh or dp have lots of female friends?

71 replies

wombat2 · 22/01/2007 18:41

My dp (we have been together about 8 months only!) has a lot of female friends. I want to be completely fine with this and not be at all jealous, however I do struggle with it a little. We don't live together (although moving in together in a few weeks!)
He has had female friends to stay for weekends at his flat and often phones them/texts them. Two of these were very close friends before/during his marriage break-up and one of these I think he virtually had an affair with while he was married but didn't. Both of them are in other relationships, so I suppose their partners must be OK with it anyway!! I trust him but it still makes me a bit insecure. Am I being paranoid? Do your husbands/partners have lots of close female friends??

OP posts:
Donbean · 22/01/2007 18:46

No, we have mutual female friends.
I cant think of any but he did have an ex girlfriend who claimed to be his "best mate
".....caused untold problems and very nearly split us.
I would NOT feel comfortable with this set up and i am not a particularly insecure person.

Marshmellow · 22/01/2007 18:47

Ummmm No my dh doesn't have alot of female friends apart from work colleagues which he doesn't socialise with outside work. The only other female friends he has are mutual friends i.e wives of his friends or mothers of my dd's friends etc. Not sure that i would be happy about this in the slightest but then again he is moving in with you soon and if he wasn't committed or wanted the easy life of "carefree liasons!!" then he's certainly not showing those signs by getting tied down and moving in with you. If i was you i would go with the flow, try to get to know his female friends so that they are your friends too. If in the future they stay over then at least you are there and if he had wanted to be up to no good then he would've stayed living on his own! Not an easy one but do try not to play the green eyed monster and trust a little BUT do not be walked over!! Just be clam and cautious

Mercy · 22/01/2007 19:02

Well, my dh has one pretty close female friend, and another that he is not so close to now but they still get on.

And when I mean close, I mean going out to the pub, phone calls, emails etc. where I am not involved at all.

He met both of them since we got married and/or after the birth our first child; I have no problem with their friendship. In fact I think it can be a good thing.

Original poster
wombat2 · 22/01/2007 19:05

Thanks, that is pretty much how I am trying to be! He assures me I am the only one he wants to be with, he just happens to have a lot of female friends. I have met most of them and get on fine with them, I just struggle to fight the paranoia when he tells me he is seeing one of them!! eg he is popping in to see one today on the way home from work as she has worries with her relationship.

I suppose what I feel is that women talk about different things in different ways to men, and I am worried that he gets something from these female relationships that he can't get from me! I suppose I feel mildly threatened - aagh, I really just want to be OK with it!

OP posts:
SKYTVADDICT · 22/01/2007 19:21

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misdee · 22/01/2007 19:25

dh has a couple of female friends, only one ihave a problem with mainly as she is a tad strange and wants to have a fling with him. he cut her off a while ago, but she texted again the other day, dont know what he texted back but she hasnt replied haha.

i have a couple of male friends, one is my best friend. only ever on the end of the phone though now, havent seen him for about 4 years i think. but he also peters friend.

wurlywurly · 22/01/2007 19:27

dh is always chatting online to some female or another,

donbean i'm with you as much as i trust him i dont like the fact that he does it, think its just the way that he is.

FioFio · 22/01/2007 19:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
wombat2 · 22/01/2007 19:29

lol fio!!

OP posts:
Original poster
wombat2 · 22/01/2007 19:46

bump

OP posts:
lou33 · 22/01/2007 19:49

no, well he has one who he has known for years and is married, but that's it, apart from the other halves of his mates

i have more male friends than female tho

Original poster
wombat2 · 22/01/2007 20:54

last bump?

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 22/01/2007 20:58

No.

He's pretty blokey.

I have gone out w/blokes who had lots of female friends.

It's a gross generalisation, but every one of those blokes turned out to be a PITA and almost all of them cheated on me.

All my friends are females or gay males.

I'm pretty feminine, though.

Hulababy · 22/01/2007 21:00

No, we have mutual female friends. But DH doesn't have female friends of his own - he knows a lot of women at work, colleagues, ad socialises with them on work nights, but not just hm and women, always mixed.

jamum · 22/01/2007 21:01

He did when we first met, but gradually as our relationship progressed he saw less and less of them, and then only when I was present too.

SmileysPeople · 22/01/2007 21:02

Dh seemed to have more female friends when we first got together ( I think single men do), infact his BF was female.
But gradually over the years most friends have become 'our' friends, and most people have paired off, we don't know any single women. We have single male friends, who were his friends but are now our friensd.
I think the longer you are together the dynamics change. After 8 months I would expect him to still have the frinds from his single life as more 'his' frineds.

I think you know which ones to worry about and which ones are really just 'mates'.

SmileysPeople · 22/01/2007 21:03

I can actually spell FRIENDS.

ProfYaffle · 22/01/2007 21:08

My dh has had about 4 or 5 female friends over the course of our relationship. im(bitter)e from this and other relationships, if he's open about the friendships, you've met the girls in question and he talks about their conversations, what they've done etc it's probably OK. It's time to worry when the shutters come down, he's secretive about it and doesn't want you to meet them.

madamez · 22/01/2007 21:13

You know, people really aren't property. Everyone is entitled to have friends of their own choosing. There's another thread on here somewhere about someone whose partner gets in a tizzy about her having friends on the Internet, even - which is certianly not something I'd put up with from anyone, no matter how wealthy/goodlooking/whateveritisthatmakespeoplewanttobeincouples they were.
How would you feel if your partner insisted on the right of veto over all your mates?

expatinscotland · 22/01/2007 21:19

No one is saying that, madame.

Of course people are allowed to have their friends.

But it's wrong to feel uncomfortable w/that?

I felt uncomfortable going out w/men who had children before I did.

Nothing wrong w/that.

I just didn't go out w/them.

If a person feels uncomfortable w/a man who has a lot of female friends, there's NOTHING wrong with that.

Just move on and find someone you feel more secure with.

morningpaper · 22/01/2007 21:23

Mine has loads of female friends and stays with them if in that area of the country on business etc. They are not mutual friends although some have stayed with us on occasion.

nightowl · 22/01/2007 21:31

i dont have any problem with bf having female friends in general. wouldnt be so happy about it if one was blatantly trying to shag him though. a best friend i had for years was male, sadly his new gf at the time put paid to that by engineering an argument between us (ie she texted me pretending to be him)!

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 22/01/2007 21:40

dh doesn't really have any female friends but I have lots of male friends, friends who I've known since school and who, although they live in South Africa, I am still in regular contact with. Dh hasn't met them but that's mainly down to the fact they live so far away. One of them has stayed with us, he was a paralympic athlete and was over for the commonwealth games and stayed before he went home again. I regularly have texts/emails from some of them and there is one who rings me occasionally. Dh knows about it though - I have nothing to hide and no reason not to tell him.

Nothing wrong with having friends of the opposite sex IMO as long as the attention given isn't inappropriate.

When dh and I first moved in together he had to go away on a lot of training courses. While on these courses he met agirl who he became quite friendly with, to the extent he re-arranged one of his courses so they could be together on the same course. I felt extremely threatened by her as whenever he was on these courses he would talk about her all the time and come back saying sophie this, sophie that, and even said she'd invited him to stay with her for a weekend. I said to him he was welcome to go and stay with her, just as long as he didn't expect me to be here when he got back. he never did.

She turned out to be a complete slapper who later started going out with a guy who was engaged and had a child so IMO I was right to be suspicious of her. he's since had many female friends and I've had no issue with them.

Original poster
wombat2 · 22/01/2007 21:45

Thanks expat! I am not saying I want to veto his friends at all. I was just trying to see whether the situation was unusual or lots of other people had to deal with it. Feel bad now, as I'm pretty sure they are just friends, it's just my insecurity that is the problem!

OP posts:
marymillington · 22/01/2007 21:46

Yes, several.

One I was friends with before I met DH. The others have subsequently become close friends of mine. No chemistry or unfinished business between them and DH though, which is I think where issues can arise.

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