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Original poster

Does your dh or dp have lots of female friends?

71 replies

wombat2 · 22/01/2007 18:41

My dp (we have been together about 8 months only!) has a lot of female friends. I want to be completely fine with this and not be at all jealous, however I do struggle with it a little. We don't live together (although moving in together in a few weeks!)
He has had female friends to stay for weekends at his flat and often phones them/texts them. Two of these were very close friends before/during his marriage break-up and one of these I think he virtually had an affair with while he was married but didn't. Both of them are in other relationships, so I suppose their partners must be OK with it anyway!! I trust him but it still makes me a bit insecure. Am I being paranoid? Do your husbands/partners have lots of close female friends??

OP posts:
divastrop · 22/01/2007 21:47

my experience of ex bfs having female friends has been that one of them is secretly in love with the other or something,so personally i dont find it acceptable,and if dp had announced at the start of our relationship that he had close female friends i wouldnt have continued the relationship,same as if he formed a close friendship with a female now i would consider that a betrayal.
when ive had male friend in the past they've either been gay or i was only friends with them cos i secretly fancied them or vice-versa.

expatinscotland · 22/01/2007 21:48

It's up to you how you deal w/it, wombat.

Honestly, what you feel is normal.

It's how you deal w/it.

You can either, a) deal and perhaps in time, things may change b) move on.

expatinscotland · 22/01/2007 21:50

Snap, diva!

It just wasn't for me, that type of bloke.

So as soon as I found out after a while, I'd move on.

MissGolightly · 23/01/2007 11:22

My DP has loads of female friends, in fact I would say the majority of his friends are female. Some are mutual, some are not, and he has been to stay with them, he also lived with several female flatmates at university. It generally doesn't bother me at all, in fact one of the things I love about him is that he is fairly "unblokey" and as happy to have a chat about clothes or relationships as football. I think his friends are a reflection of this. If you are lucky enough to have found a man who is comfortable with women and respectful of them then I think it can only be a plus. I think it says a lot about a man about how many women are happy to be in his company.

Having said that there were a couple of DPs female friends who put my hackles up for reasons I never quite managed to work out, I was never sure if it was because I didn't like them myself, or because they were quite possessive over DP. FOrtunately for one reason or another (!) he has not stayed in touch with these women. Use your instinct, I say, but on a case-by-case basis. Don't condemn him because he is a friendly bloke!

MissGolightly · 23/01/2007 11:33

Diva, Expat I am at your posts - are you seriously saying that you don't think either you or your partner can like people of the opposite sex without wanting to shag them?

I would be DEEPLY suspicious of a man who had no female friends - I would assume he was either a misogynist or unlikeable.

Fimbo · 23/01/2007 11:33

No, my dh doesn't have any female friends. I did have a long-term b/f who had lots of female friends which unerved me, we ended up splitting up because of it and then I found out he had been cheating on me anyway on more than on occasion and with these female friends.

Fimbo · 23/01/2007 11:34

Oh dear, didn't see MissG's post!

My dh isn't unlikeable m'dear

MissGolightly · 23/01/2007 11:35

I'm sure he isn't Fimbo and I know it is irrational of me to say that. My point is that it is just as ridiculous for me to condemn a man WITHOUT female friends for being a saddo, than it is for others to condemn a man WITH female friends for being a cheat.

anniemac · 23/01/2007 11:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

charlieq · 23/01/2007 11:41

My DH does have female friends though rarely goes out alone with them, etc. If he did I don't think I would mind- I actually prefer the girlie woman's man type to the beerswilling lad he becomes as soon as he's out with his bachelor mates.

I suppose I can understand your discomfort with the one he virtually had an affair with. But if you can bring yourself to trust him, you might reap some of the benefits of being with someone who is openminded and appreciates female company. Got to be better than a Lad.

expatinscotland · 23/01/2007 11:45

No, I'm saying that in my experience this is what has happened to me when I went out w/men who had lots of female friends.

Therefore I decided it wasn't for me. I wasn't comfortable w/it, and when I started to go out w/men like that I put a stop to it because it wasn't for me.

I'm in direct contrast to you, I'd be deeply suspicious of a man who had lots of female friends, and tbh he'd put me off. I don't trust a man who's too fem like that.

I don't want to talk about clothes and that w/my man.

I have lots of female friends and I enjoy the company of women.

FWIW, my husband's the sweetest, most gentle-natured, laid-back person I've gone out with. Not unlikeable.

He's got loads of mates and goes out often. I like his mates. And their wives/girfriends/partners.

Horses for courses.

mumblechum · 23/01/2007 11:45

My dh did have a couple of ffs when we first met, but gradually dropped them once we got established.

He had lunch yesterday with someone on his team who I met at Christmas. She's absolutely stunning and very bright.

He won't be doing that again (crossed arms, headscarf and rolling pin emoticon)

expatinscotland · 23/01/2007 11:46

Ditto Fimbo.

I found out he'd been cheating on me and his female 'friends' had been dissing me behind my back.

Now he was a dumb ass for not making his own mind up.

But hey, I was better off w/o him, anyway.

babywhiting · 23/01/2007 11:46

divastrop took the words right out of my mouth .....hurrahhh for divastrop!!!!!

MissGolightly · 23/01/2007 11:46

Too true expat, what a good thing we don't all like the same type of bloke, the competition would be fierce!

expatinscotland · 23/01/2007 11:48

That spice of instrinsic difference in the male species is what really gets my motor revved.

I also prefer men in uniform or men in trades rather than the booted and suited type.

noddyholder · 23/01/2007 11:51

I would find it pretty od if a man didn't have female friends.My dp has a few and |I know and like them It is a trust and insecurity issue.

anniemac · 23/01/2007 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 23/01/2007 12:02

W/me, there was always also some element of a bloke who had lots of female friends that I found off-putting.

So, yes, it had to do w/my trust/security issues.

But also, the type of bloke I usually really fancied wasn't the type to have lots of female friends.

Fimbo · 23/01/2007 12:37

I think Expat has put it perfectly how I think too.

lazyemma · 23/01/2007 12:51

I see what you're saying, expat - horses for courses and all that - but I do think that your views about male/female platonic friendships have also got a lot to do with the way you perceive gender roles. I'm a woman and I don't really talk about "clothes and that" even with my female friends, so if you think that's all a woman would have to offer a man other than sex or the possibility of it, no wonder you'd be wary of a partner's motives for wanting to be friends with one.

divastrop · 23/01/2007 12:57

i agree with everything expat has said

i went out with a bloke for about 4 months,he would get the odd text off women he said were friends and i just ignored it,then i found out he had 2 or 3 'close' female friends who he went out for meals with,and visited etc(one of whom was his ex fiance).so i went to the cinema with a male 'friend' of mine(who was after more but nothing happened),and the bloke i was seeing accused me of cheating.so i dumped him.

i would think that a man who had all female friends and talked about clothes etc was having issues with his sexuality

Wilbur · 23/01/2007 12:58

Haven't had time to read all the posts, but my dh has a lot of female friends, some from Uni and some who are mutual friends but who would regard him as as much their friend as they would me. In fact, dh has snogged several of my mates in the distant past, and slept with one I think, at one point, but then that is what comes of knowing each other since we were in our late teens. I like that he has female friends as I know that he gets a female perspective on things from someone other than just me. He also works in a mainly female industry and so is VERY in touch with his feminine side. He also has loads of male friends and they talk about football and bikes and go for curries so there's bloke in there somewhere too.

Wilbur · 23/01/2007 13:03

"i would think that a man who had all female friends and talked about clothes etc was having issues with his sexuality" - divastrop - I have to disagree with you there. Dh is often assumed to be gay (lots of female friends, loves clothes and cooking), it's funny and we don't really care, but it can get quite tedious when it's a such a knee jerk reaction. Does having short hair and knowing how to change a spark plug make me a lesbian?

oxocube · 23/01/2007 13:09

I would find it worrying Wombat. But maybe I'm more insecure than a lot of other posters on this thread. Or more realistic? I would find it hard to believe that there was no attraction (on either side) when your dp has very close girlfriends, one of whom he was romantically attached to, staying over at his place.

Hope I'm wrong though, for your sake