Are you single and poor but happier? (Im financially fucked.)

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

Separating and I have just realised how little I'm going to have to live on. I have been lucky to have had a comfortable life money wise so far which is about to dramatically change.

So instead of lying here panicking over the figures any longer, thought I'd ask for any nice stories of how you are skint but happier for going it alone?! (Am I naive?)

If anyone is actually awake.

I think it's really undignified to put up with abuse and/or a shit relationship just so you don't have to stand on your own two feet.

If that's in reference to my post about needing a job I'm not sure it's a fair judgement of my situation. If it's in general I doubt many woman deserve to feel demeaned for loss of confidence or self-esteem.

I'm glad you made the right changes in your life though.

Canoeing sounds exciting.

And yes, I will have a think about what I can do experience/CV wise until youngest is old enough for nursery. It's a chance to brush up.

Hi fives all round. I'm poor but I'm much happier than I ever was with him. Even in my worst moments.

In some sort of limbo.
Single - inthat we've separated but he won't move out will kick him out when divorce comes through.

Financially I'll be better off! I'll go onto benefits for a while til I qualify at my degree. Then I'll work again (cannot wait!!)
But it's not about how much is coming in. It's about how much goes out!!
I ave control and no one insisting on spending stupid amounts on things I don't want/need/afford.

Nobody does it 'just so you don't have to stand on your own two feet'.

Women are told they are stupid, ugly, fat, incompetent parents, morons, ridiculous, their opinions trashed, their decisions second guessed, blamed for every single silly thing that goes wrong and for every massive thing that goes wrong, and after even a short period experiencing that, believe it or not, they begin to lose their confidence and wonder how they could possibly manage on their own.

They lose their courage when they are the victim of a bully in their own home. They wonder how they could have been so stupid to agree to a relationship with the man who has made their lives miserable. They blame themselves and feel overwhelmed, and wracked with guilt for the effect of the terrible home life on the children. Many feel they have no options (this is the ultimate aim of an abuser) and many feel paralysed.

On top of that, the stress of waiting for the next verbal or physical assault does a number on your ability to focus, to plan, to think ahead even a day, because all your energy is used up just keeping everything from blowing up today, this minute.

You can end up with debilitating anxiety or even depression. If you have PND, it can make it much worse.

Thank you for your explanation mathanxiety.

Sorry he wont leave Gettingscared but exciting re degree.

I'm going to be terrifyingly skint when he goes. My take home wages for 40 hours are just under £1300. My rent is £625. You can add up the council tax, utilities etc on your own. I usually have about £200 left to buy food and bus fares for the month. We eat lots of beans and toast.

My ex husband contributes £11.00 a week for his 13 yo. It's a fucking lifesaver.....

and she's upset that I can't afford the 2 day trip to London. Fuck I want to cry.

Oh Feminist that sounds so tough. I'm sorry.
Is it a school trip? Is everyone going or will others have to miss it? Can the school help? Sorry if not helpful questions.

Another one here who feels better off financially (as well as emotionally) after divorce.

My DP was very controlling careful with money. We would get to a point where I was unable to buy food as there was no money in the bank, despite his £50k+ salary and my self employed income of £5-10k.

When we split I stayed in the house with the DCs and my mortgage has gone down by about half over the past 3 years which helps. I earn under £10k a year from several different income streams which allow me to work around the DCs, and I also get tax credits and a decent chunk of XH's salary as child maintenance, so I actually live a very nice life.

We eat out, have the odd holiday and have enough money to give us some options generally. I do have a couple of credit cards which I've used for holidays and big purchases but on 0% and I aim to pay them off before the interest free period ends.

My DCs don't go without, I don't spoil them, but they have nice clothes, laptops, phones etc and we are fortunate that I have a new DP who doesn't live with us, but is very generous nonetheless, contributing towards nice Xmas gifts, handing down his old X boxes etc.

I was single with a small child for 6 years. It was daunting at first, trying to keep my stressful job going to pay the mortgage, very small maintenance and annoying Ex. I'm now with a partner, still in debt but a little more stable.

But those first years, on my own, poor as a church mouse, were one of the best in my life. I was free of a stressful relationship, I could finally raise my child without constant arguments, I had time to myself, space to think. I eventually went even more broke, moved with with my sister for a while, took a part-time job instead of working all hours, so I could finally pick up and drop off my child at school and spend time with them while they were growing up. Never regretted it.

Sorry UpDown that comment wasn't directed at you in particular, just a general musing on my situation and that of people I know.

All of the things that mathanxiety wrote was true for my relationship as well (including PND and anxiety bad enough to need inpatient treatment), so I know full well how hard it is to leave. I think I did resist leaving for a long time because it was more comfortable financially to stay, and certainly being on benefits means that in some people's eyes you have a lower status.

Thanks for explaining. I haven't left yet (nearly there!) and have second thoughts every day, confidence, self esteem, trusting judgment etc. Sorry for being oversensitive.

I agree you have absolutely no reason to feel of lower status for making what sounds like a good decision. I am glad you are happier.

I think it's really undignified to put up with abuse and/or a shit relationship just so you don't have to stand on your own two feet.

That's quite a disgusting thing to say hotspots. And pretty devoid of any real understanding of abusive relationships.

TheU / hotshots has already explained that she was referring to herself with that comment. If that is how she feels then that is no-one else's business.

Yep, nobody else's business, no matter how offensive

Yes. I am much happier. If only I could earn enough to live on my life would be pretty much perfect. I should be getting my pension and I am very cross about that! So I am broke as well. Still believe I did the right thing though.

Great post maths

Yes and getting happier by the day.

You only know you'll manage when you make the decision and have to make it work and that's when survival kicks in and you become stronger.