Are you single and poor but happier? (Im financially fucked.)

[UpDownUpDownandaweebitannoying]

Separating and I have just realised how little I'm going to have to live on. I have been lucky to have had a comfortable life money wise so far which is about to dramatically change.

So instead of lying here panicking over the figures any longer, thought I'd ask for any nice stories of how you are skint but happier for going it alone?! (Am I naive?)

If anyone is actually awake.

Also I appreciate things more. I forgot that bit. Like silly things, inexpensive things can be special treats now and I love that

You are fine. Repeat that to yourself when you get stressy. This situation is a marathon, not a sprint.

I was in a relationship, household income in excess of 60k in a poor area of the north (so very well off comparatively) and in a good job.

I left with a baby who was a few weeks old and got made redundant at around the same time. So I was homeless, poor and single with a tiny dependant mouth to feed.

I'm still dirt poor (for this country) and single (by choice) but tiny is now 2 and we are very happy. Far far happier than I used to be. When you get over the initial shock and scramble, there are opportunities to be had. I'm back in education and can barely believe it took an abusive relationship and hitting rock bottom to improve my life in the long run.

I seem to be going against the grain here, but I am so much happier financially since splitting.
I am reliant on HB and WTC as am low earner, but when I think back to how dependant for every scrap of food me and the DCs got to eat whilst living with EXH it makes me shudder. At one point I had to go to the local food bank whilst at the same time DH was paying over £1,000 in golf club fees. Honestly, if it wasn't so tragic it would have been laughable.
Anyway, me and DCs moved out of family home to a much smaller place miles away from their friends but I can actually afford to put food on the table now without worrying.

I'm happier too with less - we had a mortgage and he had hobbies but he would flip out if I bought myself clothes or shoes so the more I couldn't have them the more I wanted them. I actually got into terrible debt and would hide things from him because I realise now I just wanted some control and I had nothing. I didn't mind putting into the shared pot but I was made to constantly feel irresponsible for doing anything outside paying bills so it kind of sent me off the edge into dangerous territory. Weirdly I have never done it once I've been on my own, never blown all my money on silly things and have no debt anymore

Some really emotive posts on this thread. Being a single parent makes you strong you you have never imagined

Claraoswald I've found it quite moving to hear from women here sounding strong . I've been thinking about the break up in terms of failure. But I'm starting to see it can be something positive. im not underestimating tough times ahead but seeing a little that it's worth doing.

My income dropped by 75% when I left. It is still something I have to think about, to stay out of the red, but I am so so much happier. I live just barely above poverty level, but with a little planning I can do so many things, and I am not being yelled at and sworn at and thrown up against the wall... Money vs. abuse is no contest. You can be fine with little money, but the only acceptable abuse is NONE. I will never take a luxury cruise, but I have a home and a car and clothing, and my children don't talk to their father any more. I used to tell myself that being poor is not a moral failing. Money is just numbers on a piece of paper, or ones and zeros in a computer.

Self-respect is priceless.

Oh you know OP, I had never felt so competent and confident generally as I do since the split.

Money can be managed. Twatty husbands not so much.

I went through this when DD's father and I split up.

He was reckless with money, we had a lot of debt (all of which he benefitted from - keeping the big TV/sofas etc). As his credit rating was poor, they were all in joint names.
He had a "breakdown" too busy spending money on OW and didn't pay a penny towards anything. At one point I was paying rent, mortgage, loans and credit cards single handedly as I didn't want my own credit rating to be trashed.

I was extremely lucky in that my parents were supportive and able to help out financially from time to time. When I was finally able to sell our flat after 2 years, I had to pay back my parents £8000. I had borrowed it just to spend on bills. If they hadn't have done that, I would have had to use credit cards to pay my mortgage.

I cleared all of that debt on my own within four years and I supported my DD at the same time. He has to this day never paid any maintenance for her. It was HARD. I was often left with absolutely nothing. I'm so grateful to my parents that they didn't allow me to starve.

I appreciate that I did have support, however I am so bloody proud of myself. I don't owe anything now. I work full time and my career has progressed, I stuck through it and I'm SO proud that I can now provide for my daughter all on my own. I feel like a strong, positive female role model for her.

I don't spend as much time with DD as I would like, but financially I don't have a choice. I'm the one and only breadwinner. I hope that when she is older she will understand how hard I have worked to give her the best that I can. We finally have a nice life.

It will get better.

Updown - I put off leaving my dickhead exh for a myriad of what I realise now were inconsequential reasons in the grand scheme of things.
The realisation I could manage by myself took a while to sink in and even longer to admit I was happier! It's not an overnight process.
What you keep though is the safe knowledge you will cope. I have an amazing partner now and we are hoping for another baby but I know for sure that whatever happens I can manage life and the kids in my own. I have lost the fear

It depends what you mean by happier.

Am I happier that when my washer breaks down I have to turn to friends and family and beg for help? No. I am happier that holidays, even a weekend break to my sister's house, are out of my reach? No. I am happier that I struggle each week to balance bills and food? No.

But I have a future now that I didn't have before. I can look forward to the day when things get better.

Overall I am still pretty fucking depressed with my life but before leaving him I had an overwhelming of bleak sense of 'this is it. This is my life and this is all it's ever going to be' whereas these days I mostly look forward to the future and the changes I am persuing.

MotherOfBleach that sounds tough. I hope it gets less depressing soon.

Like many I'm guessing I've never lived by myself before, never not had enough. It's a bit of an unknown.

It's already getting better.

I've set up my own little business and while I'm not raking millions the £22 I made last month, will be around £30 this month.

It's hardly a life changing sum, but to me it's hope and I've recieved a lot of positive feedback lately, so am pretty hopeful atm. I'm not going to wake up a millionaire tomorrow, but a holiday might not be out reach forever.

With my ex happiness and hope were not things I could look forward to.

Motherofbleach I love your nn.
for you you sound amazing x

Oh and Google your washing machine fault I found some videos when mine broke that enabled me to fix it completely. I still can't quite believe it's still going, I fixed it about 2 years ago

Hi OP - I didn't know which way to turn when my STBXH walked out unexpectedly. Some great friends looked after me, fed me, didn't let me brood and I just got on with things for the sake of my DD. Finances still not sorted but I've just got a new job and am more and more realising that the landscape has changed - what worked before doesn't work now but it does take time to realise this. Am I happier? I'm a lot less unhappy. Friendship and love are more important than money (and a lot more fun).

Left XH in 2012, with 4 teenage kids. Had to live at parents house for two years before I got a job with sufficient salary to enable me to buy own place. Yes financially fucked, but would never ever ever return to that relationship. Am working on building new friendships in this area, it's not easy but even when I'm feeling a bit low (like today) I remind myself how great it is to never again have to worry about the sound of his key in the door....

Anita - yes the sound of the key in the door....

Although my H left me, he would return from after work drinking sessions in very abusive style and in my better moments I think he did me a great favour by leaving the family home. I am lucky I think in that, having been brought up by a single mum, I always hung on to my financial independence in the form of continuing to work full time after my DD was born. I'm not financially fucked but I may be working until I'm 70 now.

Exciting to have a business on the go Motherofbleach.

Sounds in general like making some friends is a good idea.

I have started to get to know people a little where I live.

I had a touching moment in the playground. A mum I sometimes chat to but don't know well asked about my day. I explained I was separating and had been at new house sorting things. She said how she wished she had the courage to do it. She's easily the bubbliest person in the playground and she visibly sagged and said her marriage was miserable. She gets told how stupid she is every day. I was so sad for her.

I stupidly left work 7 years ago. A job I loved. Scariest thing about this is that I will definitely need a proper job again. Even though i would love to be working and it would be good for me, my confidence about doing it is zero.

Updown - if you loved your job you were probably really good at it. Dust your CV off and have a think about how to update it. Get on Linkedin and put up a really good profile - that's where recruiters go these days - link with everyone you knew professionally - ask for advice, get your profile seen. Your confidence will be boosted as you will feel part of that world again.

Up down...I was that bubbliest of mums in the playground....God I worked hard to make it look good!! Yes so so hard. No wonder I was exhausted. Am happier now, but lonely. Sigh. Kids older so no hanging around playgrounds now, best advice, get busy, get a hobby , I'm not good with empty time, and try not too focus on the next man. I'm going canoeing tomorrow. Yes. I really am

I'm on benefits due to being a single parent, and unlikely to come off them for the foreseeable as one of my dc is disabled. In a council house and no chance of ever owning my own place. But I'm so much happier and have more self respect than when I was living with a bullying but wealthy man. I think it's really undignified to put up with abuse and/or a shit relationship just so you don't have to stand on your own two feet.