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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just called police on dh - now panicking and can't breathe

71 replies

Mamaka · 30/06/2016 01:54

Huge row tonight and he was drinking. He packed a bag and said he would leave tomorrow. I went to bed. Next thing I heard was him driving off. He's had half a bottle of whisky and 3 beers. I called the police and reported him for drink driving.

Now I can hardly breathe, I'm panicking I've done the wrong thing. They asked me so many questions including about dc and said Pre-school would be informed as it was a domestic incident.

I think maybe I'm having an anxiety attack.

Have I done the right thing?

OP posts:

Aramynta · 30/06/2016 18:21

OP, you absolutely did the right thing. I wouldn't tell him, but that would be a personal choice. He doesn't need to know you have called them. But that is because when they catch up with him he will get to feel that awful sinking feeling after having made a massive mistake.

The likelihood is that they won't be able to do anything now anyway. Even if they took blood tests they couldn't prove he was over the limit at the time without solid evidence.

Squeegle · 30/06/2016 18:24

You do need to start the process with him though. You can't just pretend it's all fine now.

Squeegle · 30/06/2016 18:25

Your worries are all about him. What about you? What about your DCs? Are you happy like this?

Redglitter · 30/06/2016 18:31

If the police follow anything up it'll be the domestic side not the drink driving. Doesn't matter how over the limit he might have been or not been, he wasn't stopped driving at the time so nothing can come of that now. They may follow up the domestic incident though

NoahVale · 30/06/2016 18:41

absolutely - it is for the child's benefit that the police may or may not share any information. dont jeopardize that

Original poster

Mamaka · 30/06/2016 20:32

What do you mean don't jeopardise it? I'm asking whether I should tell my dh or not.

OP posts:

Original poster

Mamaka · 30/06/2016 20:33

He has gone to his mum's tonight. I don't really know what to do next. Do I wait for someone to contact me? Will they contact him? My head is all over the place.

OP posts:

amarmai · 30/06/2016 21:03

No need to tell him anything. Talk to the police as I am sure they will not tell him you reported if you say it wd be dangerous for you. Don' wait for as to come in a hurry as I am sure there are a lot of priorities ahead of you. Just get on with sorting out all the necessities and get advice from a women,s support group and a alawyer if possible. Gather all info together re finances, house, dcc etc . At some point ss will contactt you .You have nothing to fear They will be supportive. Do you think his mum and him may concoct some story to wrong foot you? Good thing you contacted the police as that will predate anything coming from them. Can you get support in RL from friends and family to help you thru all this stress and work?

wheredidmy30sgo · 09/07/2016 07:44

Thinking of you op and hoping you are finding a positive way forward xxx

Fedupd0tcom · 09/07/2016 08:00

Thinking of you OP. You did the right thing. I wouldn't tell him anything. x

Hobbybaker · 11/07/2016 08:04

You did the right thing. How are things going? Are you feeling less anxious now?

Original poster

Mamaka · 12/07/2016 12:48

Just came to update thread and saw the last few posts. Nice to know people wee thinking of me!

Feeling much less anxious now thanks. I'd just started taking AD's and they were making my heart race but at the time I didn't realise it was cos of them. I've had to stop taking them cos of the side effects.

Spoke to police officer and he confirmed that they'd sent report to my dc's preschool which I was gutted about. To be honest that would really put me off calling them again although I understand why they report incidents to schools and appreciate that it means kids can be supported. It just makes me feel so vulnerable and like everyone knows about what's happening.

Since that day my dh stayed with his mum for a few days then came back, with my permission. He has joined a meditation group and re-started running. I would like him to join a recovery group but he isn't sure yet. I have a feeling we are still a long way off from true recovery.

I never told him I called the police. I don't think it would help the situation. I will still do it again should he ever drink drive but I will do it anonymously so that my dc aren't involved.

I know this all sounds so pathetic of me. But I truly believe in him and his capacity to change. Is that stupid of me??

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 12/07/2016 12:58

I would like him to join a recovery group but he isn't sure yet
You let him back without him agreeing to this!?
That would have been a major part of me allowing him back.
Why is he 'not sure'?

Original poster

Mamaka · 12/07/2016 13:01

He says that your surroundings influence you (he reckons he drinks because he used to hang around heavy drinkers) and he seems to think if he joins an addiction group it will make his addiction worse because he'll become like them

OP posts:

MrsHathaway · 12/07/2016 13:13

But ... He is like them. That's the whole point.

Hope things improve for you, OP.

tribpot · 12/07/2016 13:13

Excuse number 345 out of the Big Book of Reasons Why I Can't Stop Drinking.

Original poster

Mamaka · 12/07/2016 13:29

I know he is like them.

He has (kind of) stopped drinking - up until last August he drank daily for 18 months until I woke up from my post baby haze and asked him to stop or leave. He stopped....until Christmas when he went on a week long binge. I re-issued the ultimatum and he stopped again. Since then he has only drunk on 2 or 3 separate occasions, each time after a row. He has been regretful and apologetic each time and each time I've asked him to spend some time away from me and dc.

I have a very close friend who is now 4 years sober. I've talked this all through with her and she says it actually sounds like he's doing well and putting a lot of effort in. She says for him to stop at all means that he really cares (her xh never did) and that although there is still quite a lot of denial (ie his excuses for not joining a recovery group) he has acknowledged that he has a problem and has taken steps to address it (the meditation and exercise). Obviously I've never been an addict so I'm finding her experience very valuable.

When I read mumsnet I end up feeling like the only possible way to deal with this is chuck him out for good and wash my hands of him. But my feelings are telling me something different.

OP posts:

tribpot · 12/07/2016 13:38

Is he manufacturing the row in order to be able to drink? (That's also in the Big Book of Reasons I Can't Stop Drinking).

Do you actually know he's stopped drinking in between the binges? Do you think that's a useful dynamic, i.e. he does it, you tell him to stop it (why doesn't he tell himself?) and then he does stop it until he finds another reason to do it again. Repeat.

Does he drink whilst he's on his time-out after each of these events? How would you know?

I'd point out you've tried 'his way' of trying to abstain without support and it isn't working. He now needs to try something else.

Iamdobby63 · 12/07/2016 13:55

Forgive me if I have missed something in the thread but it appears that the only one working through this is you OP, you are thinking hard and chatting to others to see/find the positive and the good in him. Is he thinking hard and chatting to others in order to understand the negative in him? I suspect as you have been here before that he know if he just appeases you then in time he can just drift back. I don't think he is understanding it.

Original poster

Mamaka · 12/07/2016 16:25

It does seem sometimes like I'm the only one working it through yes. But then isn't not drinking and joining groups and also putting in extra effort at home working it through?

Interesting point about manufacturing the rows.

OP posts:

Iamdobby63 · 12/07/2016 17:24

Seems like he has made an effort to drink less since you gave him the ultimatum but he is not actually addressing the problem, he doesn't have to go to a group meeting he can seek counselling. He seems to be blaming other people ie used to hang around heavy drinkers for the fact that when he drinks he drinks really heavily.

Had he been out on the evening that you called the police or was he drinking at home?

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