Just called police on dh - now panicking and can't breathe

[Mamaka]

Huge row tonight and he was drinking. He packed a bag and said he would leave tomorrow. I went to bed. Next thing I heard was him driving off. He's had half a bottle of whisky and 3 beers. I called the police and reported him for drink driving.

Now I can hardly breathe, I'm panicking I've done the wrong thing. They asked me so many questions including about dc and said Pre-school would be informed as it was a domestic incident.

I think maybe I'm having an anxiety attack.

Have I done the right thing?

Letmehave - yes I'm in England. I'm wondering if what he meant was police will notify ss who will notify Pre-school but he was maybe trying to avoid saying social services as I was obviously upset at having involved dc.

Trouble - I completely agree and I am reminding myself that this is why I called police. He did it once before and I called 101 and hung up halfway through and then I was wracked with guilt afterwards. I made a vow to myself that if it ever happened again I would report him immediately without any doubt or question.

I'm still shakey and nauseous.

In regards to tr police speaking with nursery, if this has been assessed by the police as a standard risk incidentincident and the first report, some areas have an initiative where the police will liaise directly with agencies rather than social services as the pre school will know any other informayioninformation and are best placed to aupprt/advice/monitor as that is all as would be asking at that stage

The police may contact children's services or they may not since they didn't actually find him. If they do, children's services may not actually do anything.
But - the point is that you're living with someone who thinks its ok to drive drunk and who has a drink problem. And that needs to be addressed.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I think you did do the right thing. He chose to drink and drive. You didn't. Not only illegal but potentially fatal for him or someone else.
I would consider getting the kids to school, and then asking him for time to talk.
Then you can say something like- it can't go on like this, and suggesting that you split at least temporarily. You can't tell him to drink or not drink, but you can tell him you won't live like this, and your first thought is with the DCs. They don't have a choice.
I don't know if he us a reasonable person or not at other times, but I do know (from personal experience of living with someone for whom drink was priority), it is impossible to live in a reasonable way when someone is like this. You need space. I understand your anxiety; it's awful, and you don't want it in your life.

He is probably still drunk and driving home. Ring police and advise them.

Honestly, do not feel guilty. You feel like this because you're a kind person. But he chose this path not you. Have you been to al anon by the way? It could help you to deal with your feelings. In my case I needed help to understand I was not being cruel, I was being fair to myself and fair to my DCs by getting their alcoholic DF to agree to live separately.

hope your dh got home safely

you need to make changes in your life op

Fucking hell I hope he doesn't drive home as he's still way over the limit having drunk that amount

I think the police meant exactly that when they said they would be contacting your dc's pre-school. Many police forces now advise schools so that school staff can be alert to potential impacts on dc's behaviours / feelings following domestic incidents.

The police force in my area introduced it at the beginning of the year.

I hope they just told him they noticed he was driving poorly when they stopped him, rather than saying you had reported him. Any news?

There is something called Operation Encompass in place in amny areas of the country now. It just means if a domestic incident is reported to the police regarding a concern about violence or drunkeness, as well as anything that would normally happen, the school is emailed the next morning just to alert them so if a child needs a bit if support or their breakfast or something like that the school can help the child.

As a police officer in the child protection and domestic abuse unit I can assure you (in answer to letmehaveausername) that every incident involving children and every domestic between parents is shared with social services, schools and health. This is knows as a VIST and used to be a 121a and is simply an info sharing tool. 9 times out of 10 no action will be taken but the info IS always shared.

Do you really need to go to work today OP? Will keeping busy be the best thing for you (it would be for me) or would you be best calling in and processing everything? Have you anyone in RL you can turn too?

you have done the right thing. however i would question the intrusive nature of the questions you were asked and refuse to answer any more without speaking to your solicitor.

Really User ? Intrusive questions. OP said her DH is an alcoholic, but she also said she only rang the police for revenge ! Not for concern he might crash the car and kill someone

No, she said a little part of her wanted revenge. Pretty natural way to feel, and pretty normal to then worry that's why you did it, because (having been there myself) it feels irrationally like a shitty thing to do.

You done the right thing. Imagine if he killed himself or worse killed somebody else. Sounds like he ought to be banned from driving for the safety of others.

It does adversely affect children when there is parental alcohol misuse.

In the high profile cases we see in the news of children suffering terribly, the child's life could have been saved if different agencies had spoken to each other. It might feel intrusive but these processes are put in place to protect children. These agencies don't have a crystal ball so they will follow these procedures for many families where the risk is much lower. That said, this does not sound like the kind of man I would want to share child rearing with.

He came home and tried to act as if everything was normal. I ignored him and got everyone ready and took dc to childcare and have just arrived at work. I didn't even think of alerting the police that he was driving home.

I am now feeling much less worried about the involvement of SS and Pre-school, I completely understand why they are and have been utterly horrified hearing about children that could have been saved with extra involvement. If they will support me and give us the help we need then I will welcome it. I'm just nervous because of the horror stories you hear of children being taken away and the parents being able to do nothing to convince anyone that they're not dangerous.

You're right Mrsbertbibby it was only a little part of me that wanted revenge. And a little part of me wanted my car back. But the biggest part of me was remembering how guilty and ashamed I felt last time it happened and I did nothing, and worrying all night about him and everyone else on the road.

Glad you're feeling steadier, OP.

You did the right thing and should be proud of yourself.

The truth is the truth OP. Start from there and things will get sorted.

So where are you heading with this now op?

Is he leaving? Where was he overnight?

I feel for you!

mama I've been involved with SS when I desperately needed help and support, I was going through a complete mental breakdown and although my children were fed and loved, it was clear I wasn't coping.

They were so incredibly amazing, the support they gave me to help me keep my family together, to help me be the best parent I was able to be for my children, and to help me be ok, was phenomenal.

The horror stories you hear are one side of a story, SS don't automatically come with a view to snatch your children. Many of them are amazing, caring and compassionate people who want to help families, not destroy them. I promise if they get involved they will not take your children unless there is a genuine child protection reason (child abuse, neglect, unfit living conditions that you refuse to improve etc).

I'm glad your husband returned the car, do you know where you're going from here? Is this a relationship you wish to continue, or is it one you feel has reached the end of the road? (No pun intended).

Whatever you decide we're here to listen, and I hope you're ok

Sorry you're going through all of this op. Just wanted to say my dds school handed out a letter last year to say that from a certain date in 2015 any domestic incident that police attend would automatically be reported to the school the following morning. Never had it happen myself but I think it's just to keep teachers/caregivers in the loop as to what's going on at home so they can help support the children.

If I had known I would have called anonymously. I'm now wondering if I should tell him I called the police and make him aware that pre-school will know. Does he need to know?