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Original poster

Is he taking the pi££ financially?

79 replies

Nofoolnomore · 29/06/2016 14:54

Hi, please can I have your opinion on this?

I've been with my bf for nearly four years - we have separate homes. I'm lucky enough to live in a home owned by family (after being made homeless due to repossession of family home when ex husband left us). He spends 12 out of 14 nights at mine (as I have three dogs) and pays for our evening dinners (he has ready meals whilst I prefer salad). I stopped cooking dinners because he wasn't reciprocating enough.

He earns good money - I'm estimating 35k gross and pays rent and maintenance for his daughter. I work very part time hours in retail whilst doing a part time degree (which I can only afford to do due to dwindling divorce settlement). I obviously pay all my bills.

He has paid for three holidays for us which I really appreciated. He used to be really tight and would happily accept me paying for meals out until I got fed up and one day snapped telling him he was tight. The result of our talk (after he had an angry strop and hid in his man cave)and me explaining in simple terms our difference in incomes, and I wasn't his pal/mate but girl friend, he now offers to pay for the cinema (ensuring student discount) and has been better at buying groceries. When we have a mooch around the shops, he never buys himself anything as he isn't interested in clothes or technology etc. He never offers to buy me anything but would feel greedy expecting things like clothes or make up. We very rarely go out for meals/drinks/theatre etc and I don't feel I can suggest these as I can't justify spending the money that is needed for bills. I can now suggest the cinema without feeling greedy. We spend our evening dog walking if the weather is fine then snuggled on the sofa (which is nice...). He washes up every night, mows the lawn and has done things like fixed the shower. He showers after work and does his washing at his home. We go out in his car on (free/cheap) days out at the weekend to save my petrol.

He is a dependable, loving, trustworthy and faithful man so has a lot of the qualities most of us look for.

Do you think the above is right and proper or is he taking the piss out of me/my home?

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 30/06/2016 13:32

If he pays half her bills then surely she also starts going 50/50 on everything, too.

adora1 · 30/06/2016 13:37

I stopped cooking dinners because he wasn't reciprocating enough.

Not good.

Really not good. It's just my opinion but he sounds boring and tight to me and you should not have to ask someone to pay their way, they should be decent enough to know, he was married before so knows about running a home.

He also knows the OP works part time in retail and is studying to better herself, you'd think he'd maybe take this on board too.

adora1 · 30/06/2016 13:41

he now offers to pay for the cinema (ensuring student discount)

How generous.

RedMapleLeaf · 30/06/2016 13:43

Bloody hell adora. Perhaps they should live a bit more "fairly" and she can stay at his half of the time and pay for the dogs to be put in kennels? And pay for three holidays this year. And all of the cinema visits.

RedMapleLeaf · 30/06/2016 13:43

He also knows the OP works part time in retail and is studying to better herself, you'd think he'd maybe take this on board too.

How?

expatinscotland · 30/06/2016 13:44

'you should not have to ask someone to pay their way, they should be decent enough to know, '

Then that should extend to those holidays, too, and half the petrol on the days out.

'He also knows the OP works part time in retail and is studying to better herself, you'd think he'd maybe take this on board too.'

And he has, by not suggesting expensive days/nights out that he knows she can't pay her own way for.

Oh, right, except those three holidays and days out in his car that he drives to save her petrol . . .

If I were him and my gf did this, demanded half the bills on top of all else, I think I'd dump and found one who actually worked and could pay her own way. And yes, I'd say the same if it were a woman posting about a man.

adora1 · 30/06/2016 13:47

3 holidays in one year, where does she say that?

Cinema visits with student discount is about a fiver.

She's stopped cooking and is eating salads that he now buys cos he wouldn't reciprocate.

Not her fault she has 3 dogs and can't leave them. Even if I stay over at a friend's for the night, I always bring something, even if it's a bottle of wine, he's there 12 out of 14 nights.

He never takes her out properly and I think it would be nice if he actually did, considering she only works in a shop p/t - nothing wrong with treating your lady now and again, especially if she is on such a poor wage.

adora1 · 30/06/2016 13:49

Not once did I say she should demand anything from him.

You know in your gut if someone is tight or stingy, you just know.

RedMapleLeaf · 30/06/2016 13:52

He never takes her out properly What makes you think this?

and I think it would be nice if he actually did, considering she only works in a shop p/t - nothing wrong with treating your lady now and again, especially if she is on such a poor wage.

"Your lady"? I think you're just trying to wind posters up with your preposterous comments.

RedMapleLeaf · 30/06/2016 13:53

3 holidays in one year, where does she say that?

You're right, I got that wrong. He's merely paid for three holidays.

adora1 · 30/06/2016 13:54

Not trying to wind anyone up Red, you don't have to agree with me, we all have different standards and different levels of acceptability.

MaybeDoctor · 30/06/2016 13:57

I don't think he sounds too bad, tbh. Quite considerate and fair.

But you sound as if you want the occasional night out - can you boost your income by doing surveys/ebay etc from home?

RedMapleLeaf · 30/06/2016 14:00

we all have different standards and different levels of acceptability.

Quite right and some of us don't find it acceptable to label a person as someone else's "lady".

adora1 · 30/06/2016 14:02

Again, that's your own preference Red, not mine.

AyeAmarok · 30/06/2016 14:08

I don't think it sounds like he's taking the piss.

Some contribution to bills might be worthwhile, but then it sounds like he's rarely actually using much electricity while he's there, given that he showers at work and does his washing etc at his own place. Whereas you're in all the time and baking etc which uses a lot of power.

RedMapleLeaf · 30/06/2016 14:35

Again, that's your own preference Red, not mine.

I guess life would be boring if none of us were homophobic, racist, sexist...

adora1 · 30/06/2016 14:39

Thankfully I am none of those words Red however much you want to imply.

whattodowiththepoo · 30/06/2016 14:42

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adora1 · 30/06/2016 15:46

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TheNaze73 · 30/06/2016 17:19

I think he sounds like he's pulling his weight. It's only been 4 years & it's not as if you're living together, so I take it that in law, he's not financially liable to anything?
I think only you can decide what is right for you, it sounds like a normal BF/gf relationship to me but, if you feel it isn't enough, you need to call it out

expatinscotland · 30/06/2016 17:50

'Even if I stay over at a friend's for the night, I always bring something, even if it's a bottle of wine, he's there 12 out of 14 nights.

And by that same token, they are not friends, but boyfriend/girlfriend, something the OP says that when she explained this to him, he stopped asking for 50/50, you know, like you do with a mate.

It's not her fault she has dogs and can't leave them, but it's not his fault she only works a few hours on a low wage.

He does 'treat' her.

adora1 · 30/06/2016 17:58

expat: I am sticking to my assumption, I don't need others to agree, if you read the OP, she actually had to pull him up already re finances, he also was happy to sit back and let her pay for everything, all red flags in my book.

Only redeeming quality is the holidays, I will give him that, I'd like to know exactly what they consisted of because I can't have sympathy for anyone who has to be told to pay their way.

expatinscotland · 30/06/2016 18:04

I'd like to know exactly what they consisted of because I can't have sympathy for anyone who has to be told to pay their way.'

Really? You think one person should pay all the time for the other person?

His only redeeming quality is the holidays? That's curious, the OP herself says he does all the washing up, he mows the lawn, he does DIY, he uses his car to save her petrol. She also says that 'He is a dependable, loving, trustworthy and faithful man so has a lot of the qualities most of us look for.'

But I guess for some people, it's all about how much he/she can be subsidised by someone else's purse.

Cabrinha · 30/06/2016 18:07

Adora1 I'm with you that he is potentially not a good fit for the OP if she likes to go out and he's a homebody.

But where did she ever say he let her pay for everything?!!

She said that he didn't step in to pay when she offered.
She then had a sensible conversation about their incomes.
She's in a rent free house with a (probably unspecified to him) amount of money from a divorce settlement. Why would he know she couldn't afford to pay when she OFFERED?

She sensibly brought that up, it's dealt with.

You said earlier that it's not her fault she has dogs and can't leave them so he has to come to hers. Whose fault is it then?!!! I'm not dog bashing, they're lovely things. But it is no-one's choice to have them but hers.

branofthemist · 30/06/2016 18:20

if I stayed with anyone pretty much full time I would contribute half to the running costs of that home.

Even when you pay for food, petrol, wear and tear on your car, holidays etc?

I think he should move in. Pay half of the bills then ask the OP to contribute to half of the stuff he pays for including petrol and holidays.

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