Is he taking the pi££ financially?

[Nofoolnomore]

Hi, please can I have your opinion on this?

I've been with my bf for nearly four years - we have separate homes. I'm lucky enough to live in a home owned by family (after being made homeless due to repossession of family home when ex husband left us). He spends 12 out of 14 nights at mine (as I have three dogs) and pays for our evening dinners (he has ready meals whilst I prefer salad). I stopped cooking dinners because he wasn't reciprocating enough.

He earns good money - I'm estimating 35k gross and pays rent and maintenance for his daughter. I work very part time hours in retail whilst doing a part time degree (which I can only afford to do due to dwindling divorce settlement). I obviously pay all my bills.

He has paid for three holidays for us which I really appreciated. He used to be really tight and would happily accept me paying for meals out until I got fed up and one day snapped telling him he was tight. The result of our talk (after he had an angry strop and hid in his man cave)and me explaining in simple terms our difference in incomes, and I wasn't his pal/mate but girl friend, he now offers to pay for the cinema (ensuring student discount) and has been better at buying groceries. When we have a mooch around the shops, he never buys himself anything as he isn't interested in clothes or technology etc. He never offers to buy me anything but would feel greedy expecting things like clothes or make up. We very rarely go out for meals/drinks/theatre etc and I don't feel I can suggest these as I can't justify spending the money that is needed for bills. I can now suggest the cinema without feeling greedy. We spend our evening dog walking if the weather is fine then snuggled on the sofa (which is nice...). He washes up every night, mows the lawn and has done things like fixed the shower. He showers after work and does his washing at his home. We go out in his car on (free/cheap) days out at the weekend to save my petrol.

He is a dependable, loving, trustworthy and faithful man so has a lot of the qualities most of us look for.

Do you think the above is right and proper or is he taking the piss out of me/my home?

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

I bake a lot and do other non-monetary things to contribute as much as I can in our relationship.

I won't let him move in until I am earning a full-time wage as I feel I have to prove it would be for the right reasons.

I don't claim tax credits as my children have left home.

So actually he's living with you but paying to keep his own flat for no real reason?

It seems a bit stupid to expect more from him financially when you're making him spend a huge proportion of his income on rent and bills for a property he's never in!

Maybe he's be happier to spend more on nights out with you if he wasn't spending money on a flat he barely visits?

Have you looked at the Entitled To website, OP?

The thing is that baking isn't free as you have to pay for the ingredients and electricity. You seem to do enough if you're giving him a house for 90% of the time. Why do you think you should do more?

People bake for all sorts of reasons. Would you mind spelling out why you bake?

Maybe you're not all that compatible if you'd ideally like to spend time and money in different ways. I don't think you're being exploited.

People bake for all sorts of reasons. Would you mind spelling out why you bake?
What does this even mean?

I read that through a second time to try to find where he's taking the piss. He's not! Are your friends stirring for a reason?

In order:

• he stays 12/14 nights with you but it's not piss taking to save money as he pays for evening meals, maintains his own place, and doesn't use your shower or washing machine. So he costs you what? Toilet roll (though you said later he pays for groceries?) I don't see what he actually costs you - he's paying out more for your evening salad than he's costing you I think!

• and if he's coming to you to accommodate your dogs, it's really nice of him - not like he's moved in to save his own rent.

• he's paid for 3 holidays

• I don't see how he "used to be tight" when he simply accepted your offer to pay for the cinema. Don't offer if you don't want to pay - how he supposed to know? Yes there's an income differential but he was already paying for holidays - I'd have seen it as you only offering what you could afford, and it being your version of him paying for more expensive holidays. You explained, he paid for more.

• he doesn't buy you clothes and make up. Why should he?! And you say yourself that he doesn't buy much for himself either, so it's not like he's at fault for splashing on treats for himself. You say it doesn't matter that he doesn't buy you make up but you mention it, so it clearly does. I earn more than my fiancé and frequently pay more for our dates but I'd never think of buying his clothes! That's his responsibly.

• you rarely go out for meals etc. Well, he may not be awash with cash himself, £35K isn't a fortune if you're paying rent in some areas, then maintenance and big ticket things like both your holiday costs.

Perhaps he doesn't want to go out. Perhaps he can't afford to. Perhaps he's sensitive to your finances. It's not his fault if you feel greedy asking. And actually - sometimes you have to accept where your income is at a particular time and you can't expect someone - even a boyfriend - to pay for you.

• he never expects a petrol contribution from you

• he pays for the cinema

• he does lots of other household things and you list positive qualities

Please tell me - these idiot friends of yours - what bit exactly do they think is taking the piss?
They really think it's his role to go around buying you make up?

The only thing you've listed that could be "wrong" was when he let you pay for things WHEN YOU OFFERED.

He sounds fine, your friends sound like spoilt princesses.

I don't understand your comment about not "letting" him move in until you work FT.
Does that mean he wants to?

Is there any issue with the relative who has leant you the house? I'd happily let family borrow a house from me, but I think I might expect rent if they moved an earning partner in.

If you're good together and WANT to live together and it's just pride - then talk it through then let him move in. If that's as a boyfriend then work out a contribution from him. If it's as a lifetime partner then pool your cash together but make sure you're on the same hymn sheet first - that you both want to spend on the same things.

"Would you mind spelling out why you bake."

Err... To eat it?

OP I think your relationship all sounds fine and don't listen to these friends. There is no right or wrong if it works for you. When DH and I were dating, he was totally insulted if I tried to pay for anything - yet this kind of approach comes with its own set of issues too! Now I've been a SAHM for 12 years and some people take a view on this, for sure.

Sounds like you've had enough stress. Tell him you would like to get out a bit more and I'm sure he'll get the idea.

In some ways he is getting benefits from almost living with you, it must be reducing his household power bills by quite a bit I would think, and though he buys food, you actually have salad while he has a hot meal. Also presumably he is using your daily household items, not his own.
All of that must be cutting down his own outgoings somewhat.

What strikes me most about your post though, is how bored you sound, and how much of a rut you both seem to have got into.

Perhaps if you saw rather less of each other, the times you did spend together would be more meaningful and actually even fun.

Have you looked into joining activities at your university? Perhaps they have a drama group or choir or book group? Something outside the subject you are studying where you would meet a new group of people?

Would you mind spelling out why you bake.

Let me explain why I asked this! I wonder why OP does it - is it a financial contribution? Because I guess not.

The guy sounds really good from what you have said. I guess you don't have much money and seem to think he should be softening that situation for you???

I think he is softening the situation far more than you realise and he doesn't seem mean to me.

I mean the guy even uses his fuel so you don't have to!

I think you've had a bit of a reality check tonight........

Agree with pps. The bit that stood out to me was he never buys you clothes or make up as if you think he should. I can't see why you would want or expect him to do that.

I think it's you with the unusual attitude to money. Or maybe you hold the dated view that the man should financially support
the woman in a relationship and the woman is looked after and treated by the man.

You know what, yes, it does sound like there's a financial imbalance here, but not exactly in the way you mean.

If he's helping you out financially during the week (picking up groceries, saving you money in fuel etc) in an amount that would account for at least half of the electric/water, then fine. However if he's not, it would be better that he chip in for bills (NOT pay rent) and then you guys split everything else 50/50 (unless someone has said they're shouting).

You should help him pay for fuel (it's still saving you money) and vice versa. Mowing isn't a big deal, it's a chore. Just like washing up. I assume you vacuum and do other cleaning. Wouldn't hurt for you to split the dishes (one wash, one dry) or take turns mowing.

You guys aren't actually living together (he's "just" your boyfriend) and he has no responsibility to help you out financially at all. But in order to be fair, he IS saving money on his place by staying with you, and increasing your utility bills (I assume) when he is there too... but he's also saving you money on other things... and frankly sometimes it's not just about money. If you're happy with the situation and you're not heading to the poor house, then tell your friends you're happy with the status quo (they don't know what goes on behind closed doors).

The fair thing would be for you to travel to his house and buy the evening meal three nights per week, pay 50% of the costs of every day/night out, 50% of any holidays, all your own groceries and do your own home maintenance.

I think you're doing alright actually. He doesn't earn a big wage but he's contributing what he can. Him being there every night, at your request and providing the food, can't be costing you anything, and he treats you to days out and holidays.

If you want a 'living together' financial arrangement then you should consider living together.

I am failing to she the issue.

Why would he pay for any of your make up or clothes?

Personally I think if you are saying you want to go out, you should be at roast paying for yourself.

The fact that he stays at yours because you have a dog, doesn't mean he should pay rent. He is maintaining his own flat and sounds like he spends more than enough to cover any rent you feel is old.

I think you and your friends are being incredibly unfair and your friends sound like idiots.

OP, from what you say he's a bit mean, he doesn't teat you and has to be told to pay for essentials, 35K is a good wage so he can well afford to treat you and yes I think staying 12 out of 14 nights in essence means he should be paying half your bills.

You know he's tight, you know he won't surprise or treat you, would you not be better of with someone who at least surprised you now and then, he sounds a bit boring.

Adora1, he does treat her. He has taken her on three holidays and pays for cinema and all evening meals,

Op your friends think he is tight because he doesn't pay bills on your house, but you say he has to stay at yours as you have three dogs. So he is not staying at yours to save his own electric is he?!

Put it this way, if you were not with him you would be buying your own evening meals, paying your own petrol for days out, probably not going on holidays or to the cinema.
He sounds generous and caring, don't be such a money grabber. If you want more money concentrate in getting your mental well being to the point you can work more hours. All this monitoring of what he pays for sounds tedious and draining.

But yes, seeing a bit less of each other may help. Although then the op would have to pay for her own dinner.

Takes her on three holidays, takes her on days out, takes her to cinema, pays her evening meal, showers and does laundry at work/his place, cleans up, mows the lawn, but yeah, he doesn't treat her and he can 'well afford to' .

From the sounds of it, he's frugal with himself, too, doesn't buy himself stuff, prefers to hang round the home rather than go out and is happy with that.

He stays at hers because of her dogs and doesn't run up the bills.

Half her bills?!!
Adora1 WTF?!!

What is he actually costing her?
She pays no rent, he uses his own water for showers and laundry, the heat and electric is the same for one person turning on a radiator and the TV as it is for one.
He already buts groceries so that's look roll covered.

Even if he did pay half her bills (really - he should pay half her council tax as well as his own?) then surely that's already offset by him paying for holidays, petrol, grocery and 12/14 evening meals! Oh and the cinema trips - not a cheap night out.

Fair point he doesn't sound terribly exciting - but the not going out could be sensitivity to her income.

Or he's just frugal and saving up to support his daughter in further education, with learning to drive, flat deposits, stuff like that for her future rather than blowing it on nights out.

Lots of people rarely go out because they are economising or have other pressures on their income.

She eats a salad for dinner, that's hardly going to break into his 35K

If he is staying 12 nights out of 14 she will be liable to pay the full council tax, he should have offered to cover this, he sounds tight no matter what anyone else says, so what if she stays in HER family home for free, if I stayed with anyone pretty much full time I would contribute half to the running costs of that home.

She's already had it out with him owing to his stinginess, so what if they use his car, so what if he sometimes pays for the cinema, it's hardly being treated, would be nice if he took her out for a meal or the theatre as a way of saying thanks for letting me stay at yours for most of the time!

He's tight.

If he's tight, then you're a gold digger. £35k gross is not a fortune and hello, he has maintenance to pay on his child. So three holidays isn't 'being treated'? The only reason they stay at hers so much is because she has 3 dogs.

Her idea of 'tight' was not having a guy buy you clothes, makeup, take you out gratis when you're choosing not to do much in the way of work.