Awkward situation, any advice on how to handle it??

[stickytoffee]

Dh has two sisters and one brother and none of them yet have any children - There is one sister who is married and I think she has chosen not to have any children rather than not being able to. Our ds is the first grandchild and so is quite special to his family. However, since having my ds, I've noticed that my sil's behaviour is quite odd and goes above what I would consider usual "Auntie" behaviour. A couple of weeks ago we were at a get together of other friends and family - there were kids and babies there too. She spent most of the day following me around (if not physically, then mentally) and kept asking if she could hold him, could she help me etc etc. At one point, she came to ask me where my ds was and I told her I'd put him down for a nap - she was extremely put out by the fact that my ds needed to sleep and regardless asked if she could go and see him(oh yes, why don't you go and wake him up now I've managed to get him down for a nap). When I went to then get him out of his cot, she saw me go and literally followed me asking if she could "help me" - I was off to feed him - he's bottle fed and when there are lots of people around and they get fed up of being passed around, I like to do this bit myself so I said,politely, that no, I was fine thanks and I was just off to feed my dh. She went off in a huffy fit. My mil said that she was a bit pre-menstrual - I think it's a bit more than this and this get together highlighted something that was in the back of my mind from Christmas time - she started it a bit then, always wanting to take him off me, hold him, feed him etc. I have no qualms about passing him to my sisters, friends, family - they always have a quick cuddle if they're around and usually like to pass him back - There is just something I find about her behaviour that verges on the creepy - it's not a friendly helping hand, it's more like a demand which if isn't met is like a child being refused something they want. Before I had kids, I was very sensitive of friends with kids/babies and the right time to help out/ ask for a cuddle with the baby, but she just doesn't seem to get it.

Does anyone else have this type of experience with a family member or even close friend - what do you do? It really really upset me after I got home from the event - I suppose I had anticipated it happening and it did....I've talked to my mil about it and she thinks my sil may now think she'd like kids so is trying to prove a point ie that she'd be a good mother but I frankly don't want to be the one that she tries her "mothering" skills on....

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No, I haven't yet - she's had a few bouts of depression recently part of which I think were about her and her dh's decision not to have kids but I know that she's not trying to conceive at the moment( I have had depression in the past too so and have supported her in her tough times so am not totally unsympathetic). To be honest, she's really not my cup of tea and I find her odd to talk to generally. That's not to say I can't talk to her about it, just that I don't want to cause any family ructions so don't exactly know what to say. My mil and dh have also noticed this behaviour too and have acknowledged that it's strange....

It does all sound a bit odd - have you talked to your dh about it? It's good that you can talk to your MIL freely - she may be the best person to have a tactful word with SIL and explain that it's your first child, you need a bit of space etc. You're right, the SIL can't practice her mothering skills on your child, especially if it's done in a creepy, demanding sort of way - it sounds like she has some "issues" - could you be wrong about her choosing not to have kids up to now? Maybe there are some fertility problems? If it's freaking you out this much (and it would certainly freak me out) all you can really do is avoid her as much as possible. Sorry not to be more helpful.

Sorry - hadn't read your last msg when I posted mine!

you say her depression is linked to them deciding not to have children, is it possible that:

1. her dh is the one that doesn't want to have children and although she does want them, she feels that she's had to go along with what her dh wants.

or

1. that they've had fertility problems and have decided not to pursue trying to have children any further because of not wanting to go through invasive treatments etc, and therefore in a way they have "decided" that there won't be any children, and thus this can be seen as deciding not to have children.

This behavior would unnerve me immensely and I would either feel that I had to say something, or get my dh/mil to do it.

No problem - yes my Mil can be a pain sometimes but I had a very frank discussion with her and she was really helpful. She has said she will have a chat with my sil about the motherhood issue and see if she can get somewhere without mentioning the current problem which I have with her. I think one problem is that her dh is the driving force for her not to have kids so she's convinced herself she'd be rubbish at parenting almost to justify it - tbh she also has no idea what to do when ds cries - she just panics and passes him back to mil or me and asks "what did I do" - um nothing, babies cry. Or I am tempted to say, "oh yes, he's decided he doesn't like you" - fuel on the fire I know, but I do get a bit fed up with pandering to her all the time.
We're all quite close as family so it makes the situation worse. We have a family event again soon (dh side not mine) so I'm tempted to leave ds at home with my mum so that we can go and have a nice hassle free lunch - I'm not having to look after ds and I'm not also having to fend off my sil's advances (so to speak !!).

I think you should stop being so precious about it and let her help you out and hold him.
You wait,when he is a snotty whingeing toddler and noone wants to know,you will be mentally begging her to have him.

Think yourself lucky that your 'problem' is attentive relatives.

Sorry, messages crossed, Yep, option 1 applies - as far as we all know - they've never gone through the trying bit and just made that conscious decision....

I said to my mil that ds is my dh and my child and no-one elses and that we will decide who does and doesn't do things with him so that if they hear me refusing to pass him around, not to take it personally - I also spoke with mil about it as I don't want it to affect our already good relationship. They are very good grandparents and are extremely respectful when they look after ds (which they do often)...so don't want to rock that boat. They are at least aware of their daughters odd behaviour at times so sympathetic which I am grateful for.

You'll learn.
Oh yes!!!

Hi Moondog, I know what you are saying and generally I give him out to all and sundry. TBH it is more that in this case, the situation verges on something else which my radar tuned to - and it has been noticed by others too. Or do you think perhaps I'm being a bit possessive? I leave ds all the time with his extremely willing grandparents, leave him in the creche at the sports centre etc, but there is some niggling thing I can't explain about this one.

Mmm I have also envisaged 5 years down the line when he's foul, answering me back, won't eat and wants to watch TV 24 hours a day and it did cross my mind that I'd then pack him off to my sil's and she can then see how much she wants to "help me"

i think you should trust your instincts on this one. find out what mil has to say but try not to go much further into it with her. you don't want to ruin that relationship. just keep an eye on sil, i know it's stressful, and over time things will change. sounds to me like she's not reconciled to not having any kids and is trying to work through her issues.

I agree with you WWH but I suppose my point is that I don't want to have to be the one she works her issues through with...difficult isn't it. The only saving grace is that she works full time so can't pop round whilst I'm at home and lives about 40 mins away so can't just "drop by" unannounced.

true. your idea of leaving the baby at home is a good one. do that a few times and maybe she'll get the message...

Don't be too hard on her. She sounds very much like how I was. My dh didn't want children. I never thought I would have them. I married him because I thought I cold live with that & tried to kid myself that I could. But when it bcame to hard to resist the urge, I used to offer help to friends/family & wanted to hold neices & nephews & friends children. I would do anything...feeding, nappy changes etc etc.

It was my way of filling a rather big & painful void & telling dh, 'look what a great mum I could be, if only you'd let me' Hoping that seeing me with a baby/child would make him think that having one of our own would be nice.

Of course, now we have dd, so it is no longer an issue.

I agree with you on him being your child, therefore you decide who gets to handle him, but am just asking you to see the bigger picture. I do feel you could maybe compromise a little here. And you know what? Isn't it nice that she wants to be involved in his life?

I think you sound a bit hard on her tbh. I have a childless friend who is pretty possessive with my children (friends have described her behaviour as 'creepy'!) but I know she would have loved to have children herself and feels sad about it and envious of me. But she loves them, enjoys being with them, has taken ds to the theatre and I think in a couple of years she will have them for the weekend or the day if I need her to (dd is not yet two). As neither I or dh have any sisters, it is lovely for them to have an auntie figure who is involved in their lives.

Thanks sandcastles, I really appreciate hearing it from "the other side" - I don't realise sometimes how lucky I am sometimes to have a gorgeous ds and that my dh was willing to have kids and as you say to have such willing relatives. I also wonder whether I would feel the same way about the situation if I really got on well with my sil and if had a lot in common (we're only a year apart in age but miles apart in attitude and everything else - we're both mid 30's). I have a friend who is childless and is trying but hasn't yet been successful and I am much more willing to hand him over to her as I know she adores babies and loves my ds and is finding her situation hard...I'll take on board what you say though...thanks and I'm glad you got your dd in the end.

aloha, think our messages crossed, so you see I'm different with my mate from my sil - I feel differently about it too. So, maybe it's a bit of my issue too ??

stickytoffee, no worries. Just thought a little insight might help. I do think you are lucky, my 1 and only sil & just moved to Sydney (I am in Adelaide) and I miss her like crazy...not least becuase we only came here in June 06 & became close v quickly, but also that dd & her have now 'lost' such a beautiful bond.

I am just thinking if maybe you give a little yours & SIL relationship will improve? Once you stop seeing the 'creepyness' of hr actions? I think yu are maybe more tolerant of your friend, as you see her struggling to concieve, where as you see your SIL as having made her own bed, as it were.

I wouldn't leave your ds at home next time. I would take him, let her help you, if it's only pushing the pram while you both have a walk, or a feed or a cuddle...you will be surprised at how much this will mean to her & help her become less 'in your face' iyswim.

Just seeing these different messages has helped me a bit - I think I will take him to the next event otherwise I suppose I am turning it into a bit of a "thing" and if he yells (he'll be completely out of kilter as we have a long drive and then lunch when he'd usually sleep) she can look after him so I can get my lunch !

Exactly! & I bet she will be more than happy!

I do think its different between friends and family, as we chose our friends, and so have indirectly decided that we are happy for them to be with our children. And the friends still make time for us. But in laws are foisted onto us, and I think its easy to feel they are trying to nudge you out the way to get at the baby.

mmm thats it i suppose isn;t it, the choosing friends but not family....

Stickytoffee - yes we cross posted! But I think it is right that if you start to make a special point of letting her in particular cuddle the baby, push the pram etc then she might be a bit less desperate and odd. Even with my friend I have to sometimes have a mental mantra of - 'she is sad. She has no children of her own. She wishes she was me. She loves the kids. Chill.' - otherwise I'd get really tetchy, especially when she says things to the kids like, 'oh look at silly mummy!'
I think sometimes her feelings of envy and desperation actually overwhelm her inhibitions!

See how keen she is on changing nappies when he starts solids! And get her to stay the night when he's wakeful. I think that will dispel any romantic notions of mothering pretty quickly.

I'll probably be jumped on here for not being understanding and giving enough but I know how you feel, stickytoffee. I was also creeped out by a relative behaving in exactly the same way around my DS when he was born. I sensed a desperation around her that made me uncomfortable.

When I let the relative in question get involved because I felt sorry for her, it got worse! She got even more possessive of him and for example, would give me black looks if I went to take my son from her, say "Here's your other mummy now," and said SHE was going to wean him at 4 months. When I caught her giving him food at 4 months, that was too much. She knows now exactly where she stands.

I only warn you because "going off in a huff" is a touch OTT. It doesn't sound like you're possessive of him because you're happy for other relatives to cuddle him etc.