Awkward situation, any advice on how to handle it??

[stickytoffee]

Dh has two sisters and one brother and none of them yet have any children - There is one sister who is married and I think she has chosen not to have any children rather than not being able to. Our ds is the first grandchild and so is quite special to his family. However, since having my ds, I've noticed that my sil's behaviour is quite odd and goes above what I would consider usual "Auntie" behaviour. A couple of weeks ago we were at a get together of other friends and family - there were kids and babies there too. She spent most of the day following me around (if not physically, then mentally) and kept asking if she could hold him, could she help me etc etc. At one point, she came to ask me where my ds was and I told her I'd put him down for a nap - she was extremely put out by the fact that my ds needed to sleep and regardless asked if she could go and see him(oh yes, why don't you go and wake him up now I've managed to get him down for a nap). When I went to then get him out of his cot, she saw me go and literally followed me asking if she could "help me" - I was off to feed him - he's bottle fed and when there are lots of people around and they get fed up of being passed around, I like to do this bit myself so I said,politely, that no, I was fine thanks and I was just off to feed my dh. She went off in a huffy fit. My mil said that she was a bit pre-menstrual - I think it's a bit more than this and this get together highlighted something that was in the back of my mind from Christmas time - she started it a bit then, always wanting to take him off me, hold him, feed him etc. I have no qualms about passing him to my sisters, friends, family - they always have a quick cuddle if they're around and usually like to pass him back - There is just something I find about her behaviour that verges on the creepy - it's not a friendly helping hand, it's more like a demand which if isn't met is like a child being refused something they want. Before I had kids, I was very sensitive of friends with kids/babies and the right time to help out/ ask for a cuddle with the baby, but she just doesn't seem to get it.

Does anyone else have this type of experience with a family member or even close friend - what do you do? It really really upset me after I got home from the event - I suppose I had anticipated it happening and it did....I've talked to my mil about it and she thinks my sil may now think she'd like kids so is trying to prove a point ie that she'd be a good mother but I frankly don't want to be the one that she tries her "mothering" skills on....

Thanks WW for sharing that with me - not great for you but glad I'm not the only one with a slightly odd relative - there was mention from my mil that she is like a "surrogate mother" to my ds...that I think was the bit that got me going tbh - not sure if those were her words or mil's. My mil is sympathetic to my cause as I've said but she is also quite desperate to defend her daughter (naturally) and I think is a tad embarassed of her behaviour so she will make excuses for it and says things like, "but you know she adores him" - that bit is obvious, it's the way she "adores" him which is the worrying bit - and so does my sister who is unmarried and also childless and would love to have children of her own, but she doesn't behave that way.

I think I probably have to give her a chance before writing her off as a nutcase but if she's given her chance and over steps the mark, whilst I am kind and generous most of the time, when it comes to my ds, that's a slightly different matter....

ps, before I get shot down when I say she might be a nutcase, I'm not in any way implying that anyone else who is childless is a potential child snatcher !! I just know my sil's past behaviour and she is a bit unstable at times !!

"I think I probably have to give her a chance before writing her off as a nutcase but if she's given her chance and over steps the mark, whilst I am kind and generous most of the time, when it comes to my ds, that's a slightly different matter...."

I think that is all you can do. I would have hated to think people thought I was creepy or a nutcase for how I felt & who I was back then. Some people don't understand the way mothers feel until they are one, so she may not think she is overstepping. She may just see this beautiful baby that she is so wanting to shower love on.

See how it goes, I hope it is just a case of trying to fill a void & push back some of the pain. Only you can judge how you feel after you have let her help. Failing that, could she not do some night time babysitting, so she is still feeling like she is helping, without doing anything with your ds?

Good Luck...

as someone who had to wait years to have their own child, i understand how she feels, but it doesn't make it right to try to take over your child - a fair share of cuddles & helping is fine, but this isn't her child, allowing her to play out an illusion (shich she may be doing - you are in a better position to judge how far this has gone) will ultimately be more painful for her. your ds will love you as his mother, not her. try to treat her the same as any other friend/family - cuddles etc when suitable, but insisting on your alone time with ds when you need it. you are his mother.
it sounds harsh, but this is not her child, and she has to respect your position as mother. good luck, it will be difficult to remain 'neutral' about how much you let her in to his life - just try to assess whether you'd allow your own sister to do something, and use that as your guideance.

kickassangel, I could have done with your wise words when my DS was born!

Plus stickytoffee, it sounds terrible to say but the novelty does wear off eventually especially when your little one starts getting a bit stroppy and vocal about his preferences. I know it gets to you but it will get better. Unfortunately I didn't handle my situation well at all because I was freaked out and insecure as a mother. But you sound like you've got a handle on it already.