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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can anyone explain why my mother did this?

90 replies

Smithofheavens · 28/06/2016 15:05

I'm very low contact with my mother, we communicate only when necessary, it's been like this for 6 months or so.

I'm trying to unpick our relationship and there's something that happened that I don't understand. She was very good with childcare when my children were tiny, and had no problem giving my husband a hand if I went to visit friends for a break. But if I was going to visit a friend to help them (I went to see my best friend when her mum was dying) or to a funeral she would be FURIOUS. Really angry, accuse me of lying, that I'm not really going to funeral etc. It's like I was "allowed" to go away on the piss but not to help anyone else because there's no way that could really be true.Hmm

What's that about?

OP posts:
camelfinger · 28/06/2016 21:02

I think that some mothers never grow out of wanting to control their children in some way, or don't want their children to grow up. You helping others indicates to her that you're mature enough for others to need you, it's not all just about her.
I think there may be a hint of jealousy. Perhaps she has always dreamed of a close mother-daughter relationship and she can't bear the idea of someone else muscling in on her territory.

greenleaf1 · 28/06/2016 21:03

And yes, yes to the competition thing. Shocking to think the one person who should be in your corner is actually competing with you, but it really does happen. As I say, read up about narcissism. Sorry this is happening to you. You don't deserve it Flowers

greenleaf1 · 28/06/2016 21:04

And camelfinger you have it spot on.

Original poster
Smithofheavens · 28/06/2016 21:04

and feel hugely, personally affronted when you go your own way.

That's given me goosebumps.Sad

Somehow I have often come to feel that if I am respectful of my husband, and make decisions without her input/approval, I'm really really letting her down! Which is ridiculous. She massively massively undermined my husband to me, and me to my children. I'm inly just seeing it now. And my dad does nothing. (Except drinks.)

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 28/06/2016 21:07

Agree that it might well be to do with the 'role' she has assigned you, and by helping out others, not using your child-free time to do something 'selfish', she's having to question her view of you.

Original poster
Smithofheavens · 28/06/2016 21:07

Perhaps she has always dreamed of a close mother-daughter relationship and she can't bear the idea of someone else muscling in on her territory.
Camelfinger yes! I was v friendly with my ex boyfriend's mum and my mother was horrible about her personal appearance. Shockingly so.

She didn't approve of my breastfeeding either and I felt undermined and sabotaged that to a point too. Then she could take over feeds.

I feel unwell.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smithofheavens · 28/06/2016 21:08

Dinosaursroar, if that's the nub of it, her opinion of me is very low then isn't it?Shock

OP posts:
greenleaf1 · 28/06/2016 21:44

I hear you smith

I don't have DC, but my mother dripped poison into my ears for years about my lovely DH to the extent that our marriage nearly ended. It took a horrible crisis (in our case a cancer diagnosis) to realise my mother was never on my side, and to start to realise the truth about our relationship. And amazingly to start a much better relationship with my DH.

Please read about narcissism - it really was the key for me to understand what was going on. Will see if I can find a link for you xx

Original poster
Smithofheavens · 28/06/2016 22:11

Thankyou! It's massively appreciated. I think this is a sort if lightbulb moment. Shock

OP posts:
greenleaf1 · 28/06/2016 22:17

That's brilliant. You're on your way Flowers

Original poster
Smithofheavens · 28/06/2016 22:23

Do you have any contact with her?

OP posts:
greenleaf1 · 28/06/2016 22:35

Yes I do. But very little - we don't live close - maybe three four times a year? I really understand the people here who advocate NC. But I can't do that, and I actually find it more satisfying dealing with her on my own terms than writing her off altogether. I've come to realise that's she's a weird, self-absorbed little child-woman who should never have become a mother in the first place. It's shocking and liberating at the same time. Wishing you all the best smith. Knowledge is power Flowers

Molly333 · 28/06/2016 23:05

Interesting , it sounds like she may hv some form of dementia starting or psychosis

Aussiebean · 28/06/2016 23:11

So she is ok if it involves helping you and your husband, but not if it involves just you?

She could have a bias towards the male and in a away 'sucking up' (for want of a better word) to him so will be happy to help.

But the moment it is just for you she kicks off?

Aussiebean · 28/06/2016 23:12

My mum has this btw, so wondered if it was similar. Loves my dh but I am the devil.

Original poster
Smithofheavens · 28/06/2016 23:20

Thankyou, greenleaf1 x

OP posts:
Original poster
Smithofheavens · 28/06/2016 23:22

Molly333 with hindsight she's been like this for years, so I'd be very surprised if dementia was approaching. It's an interesting view which I'll look out for though.

OP posts:
Original poster
Smithofheavens · 28/06/2016 23:27

Aussiebean, no it's not quite like that. She is civil to my husband moans about him. Her thing with me is that she will help me out if I'm going off to enjoy myself/hen do type thing. But if I said I was going to visit a sick friend, or do something charitable/good, she loses she shit! You'd think it'd be the other way around!

My youngest brother however can literally do no wrong. The narcissism thing does seem to fit very closely, as well as something I've just been reading about a Drama Triangle. As soon as I try and "rescue" or help someone, she can't cope with that and persecutes me. The bit I can't unravel is why!

OP posts:
SealSong · 28/06/2016 23:39

"Interesting , it sounds like she may have some form of dementia starting or psychosis"
No, no it doesn't. Are you a psychiatrist? Hmm

MissSmiley · 28/06/2016 23:39

I think I can see why she might behave like this. By helping with your kids while you are taking a break or having fun she's doing you a favour which she doesn't mind because you are her daughter.
When you offer someone help and maybe still need her to look after your kids she's not so keen as she feels you aren't in a position to offer that time when you have children if your own to look after.
I'm not sure I've explained it very well but my mum (who I get on with brilliantly) would allude to this commitment issue too at times. I do have five children though so it would be quite a big deal for me to free myself to go and help someone else out.
I hope that makes sense.

Original poster
Smithofheavens · 29/06/2016 00:45

I think I get you. She doesn't want to be helping me give someone else a break?

On the one hand I can understand that, but then on the other, that feels controlling - like she's saying she will only help me if I'm doing what she approves of.

OP posts:
Aussiebean · 29/06/2016 00:48

and if true, how awful of her to deny someone in pain your help.

Original poster
Smithofheavens · 29/06/2016 00:50

For clarity she would kick off with me for seeing my friends (unless it was a boozy spa thing) whether she was helping me with the kids or not.
The day she booted over the hall stand, she was on her way off to her holidays and yet still saw fit to have a big screaming match about how I was clearly "up to something". She also said that if I went away and left the kids with their dad, whilst she was away, she wouldn't enjoy herself as she would be worried about what I'm up to and if he's coping!Angry

(My husband is perfectly capable of looking after the children, and it still bemuses me about what she thinks I might "get up to"! My life is very very quiet!)

OP posts:
AndTheBandPlayedOn · 29/06/2016 01:08

Smith Flowers
"The Wizard of Oz and other Narcissists" is a good book that might have a couple of clues for you.
When your mom lost the plot and was ott angry with you-that is called Narcissistic rage.
When you chose to help others, that was stepping out of her template for you (little girls should only want to go out for fun). If you are going out for fun then she gets gold stars for making that happen for you- how magnanimous of her. If you are not having fun but helping someone else,then that redefines her contribution to helping someone (the person you are helping) indirectly without any hope of recognition for her sacrifice/service.

She became invisible in that transaction.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 29/06/2016 01:17

X post. Declaring that you are up to something, for me, is a demonstration that she is claiming/proving a superior position -monitoring you- which places you in a clearly subordinate role...now naughty child.

This ongoing campaign of diminishment of you is not mentally healthy for you. It will erode your self esteem.

Apron strings? She's keeping you stringing along. Perhaps you should depend on her less.