Do you believe in 'the one'?

[eirrah]

Do you really think that 'the one' exists and how did/do you know?

Maybe this almighty being sent me to Germany and made me live with Not The One for 20+ years before finding out my husband was a dickhead - just so that I would appreciate The One better when I finally found him

Yes, Fate has some funny ideas.
So did you find "The One"?

I think letme has said what I wanted to say in words I couldn't.

Letmehave what a nice philosophical post. (I think you must be at a different stage of the break up process to me!!)

I don't believe in "the one". I believe that there are certain people with whom you could have a meaningful relationship, and also that people can change and their lives may change at different times and in different ways.

I may be a cynical old sod of course

I hadn't read LetMe's post when I posted mine

Yes, I think LetMe is right. People change, people's circumstances change. I met my partner at nineteen, and we're still happily together in our forties, having managed to grow in compatible directions rather than apart, but I'm entirely conscious that this is out of a combination of good luck, work and a genuine basic compatibility based in part on coming from similar circumstances. I'm also aware of having met more than one man with whom I think I could also have been happy longterm - and that it was a mutual thing - but as I wasn't single and he wasn't single, we did nothing about it.

Any longterm relationship is a combination of luck, compatibility, mutual attraction (and freedom/inclination to act on the attraction), circumstances working in your favour etc etc.

LetMe . Clarity after years of confusion

So did you find "The One"?
I've found a really good one and realised my expectations were far too low the first time around. Not that my ex was rubbish or anything. But I think I always expected men to be slightly unfathomable (even though I've never liked that Men Are From Mars stuff), and always expected a German to be a bit different to me, so I never realised there might be a man (and a German one at that) with whom I could communicate so well. So maybe the whole "you should hold out for The One" advice isn't as silly as you might think - it does encourage you to look out for someone you really click with.

I think it's utter bollocks. The 'one' when I was 16 is different to the 'one' at 30 and the 'one' now.
I think it's all a bit twee & people that say it & think it, normally call sex, making love.

No I would hate to think that! What if your spouse dies? Does that mean you will never be that happy with anyone else? I love my dp and wouldn't want anyone else but anything could happen. If he left me for example I wouldn't want to think there was no one else for me.

Tim Minchin has a song about this. "If I didn't have you..." Yeah, we fall on a bell curve.

I agree.

I think there are thousands of people on earth with whom we would be very happy in the short and long term.

The problem with the concept of "the one" is that you can't tell whether it's an infatuation or not. Read the marital problems forums and you'll see how many started with the best of intention thinking that person was the one.

Paradoxically you can always improve on perfection so if you are in that paradigm you will always have the nagging feeling that someone better could be just around the corner (short, taller, faster, wealthier, etc...).

Also the perfect person when you're twenty may not be that perfect when you're 30 or 40. What looks like a great character trait at 20 (risk taker) may be horrifying at 35 with two children.

Date, ask friends, talk to both divorced and married people, do your homework before you commit.

The one at a certain point in your life is not necessarily the one 20 years later. People change so much over a lifetime.

Not in theory, no. Sounds absurd.

Practice is different: I fell in love with dh during a holiday abroad, only knew him for a couple of weeks. When he ditched me I accepted it but had no further interest in dating so concentrated on work. We eventually got together again and had a long distance relationship that lasted for the best part of a decade before we were actually able to get married and live in the same country. Have been very happily married for well over 20 years.

No, I don't think there is just "the one". If that was so then just catching a different bus one day might mean a lonely lifetime.

You do get huge instant attractions that lead to lovely lifelong marriages, but that's not quite the same thing.

There may not be 'the one' but God knows I ploughed through loads of me wrongs before my brilliant DH. If he left me I wouldn't be very confident about finding someone else I felt like that about

I thought I'd found my one, but he died and I'm now thinking if he was the one does that mean I'll be alone for the rest of my life, or if I meet someone else will I feel like I'm being unfaithful? I'm only in my early 30s - that's a lot of time to be lonely. I'm not sure I can survive life with a belief in 'the one'.

No.

I absolutely adore my husband, he is amazing and we are extremely compatible. As soon as I met him I knew I wanted him in my life forever, in some form. By the third date I knew I wanted to marry him.

However, I'm sure that if I hadn't met him I would have felt the same way about someone else.

After all, funny how most people's 'ones' live in the same area as them

I skimmed, just noticed that others pointed out about how the one always lives close by etc.

I met DH at an event I wasn't expecting to go to. A group of 5 of us went to the pub afterwards - 2 I knew, 2 I didn't. One spoke to one of the others, I found myself ignoring the other one I knew to talk to (now) DH. I had a good excuse to give him my phone number, just in case, not knowing whether there was any potential at that stage. He called me 2 days later to invite me out to a film (which wasn't related to the 'excuse') 2 days later.... 19 years and counting....

After all, funny how most people's 'ones' live in the same area as them 

I used to say that too.

Until.

He is 13 years older, very different backgrounds, from different countries, lived in different areas of this country, would never have met in any era pre-internet.

So there

Fear not, Hero1cally. Marriage is a life skill, and if you've been happily married once you're very well equipped to be happy again. Get out there - when you feel ready - and look for your second great love. It won't be the same, but that doesn't mean it couldn't be amazing.

I met my dp when I was 16 and he was 27. I really, really wanted to go out with him but he said no, I was too young.

Two years later we met again and we did date for two years. We wanted different things from life at that time and we separated.

Fast forward 27 years and we met up again. This time things were right for both of us. We are still together 4 years later, despite going through some really tough experiences and still very happy.

I firmly believe he was the one for me. We had both married in the 27 years we were apart, had no contact with each other at all. Both had children. Both had different relationships. But for me, he was the one who had got away, was unfinished business and I'm so very glad that he is the man I will be spending the rest of my life with.

Although I had met and dated other people, had relationships and got married, I never felt for them what I feel for DP.

I don't think there is just one person, it would be far too random to just happen to meet the only person you were meant to be with.

Sometimes you do meet someone who it feels like you were meant to be with though. I met my husband in a different country on holiday, it was crazy really but I moved out there to be with him after only knowing him for a week. We are still together 13 years later so I think it was meant to be.

Thank you Prawn, that's so lovely of you