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Original poster

How would I find my father?

26 replies

Emskilou · 22/01/2007 09:50

I don't know who my father is, I understand that he knew me for the first few months of my life and nothing further. My mother and father were not married, infact I believe it was only a few week/month relationship. He was not named on my birth certificate, just black lines where a name should be.

My mother didnt raise me, my grandparents did and I have not felt any need to find my father, just always had a vague curiosity about who he is. My grandfather passed away a year ago and since then thoughts of my father have been going through my head.

My grandmother (my mothers mother) now lives with me and we have discussed this on a few occassions and I have said I want to find him, she has agreed and said ok but that is it. I will be speaking to my mother about it soon, not sure whether or not it will cause yet another fall out but thought I should discuss it with her before I did anything. As much as we dont get along I would hate for her to find out from someone else, I think it would hurt her too much.

Anyway, where was I........ I just dont know where to start really, I am guessing that as he was not named on my birth certificate it is going to be almost impossible, perhaps this is an impossible task I should just give up on??

Well I shall stop rambling on, thank you for reading this and any help or pointers in the right direction will be great

Em x

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/01/2007 11:00

Hi Em,

I would see if the Salvation Army tracing service can help or at least if not, give you some pointers.

Original poster
Emskilou · 22/01/2007 13:55

Thank you for the reply I have had a quick look online at what help the salvation army can give but as he was not named on my birth certificate they feel they are unable to help, I can understand really I mean I am 26 and he hasnt seen or heard anything of me since I was a baby and they dont want to disrupt his life especially if he has a family and hasnt told them about me, if indeed he remembers me at all.

Hmmmm seems as though I am opening up a can of worms, part of me really really wants this but the other part doesnt want to hurt anyone. Not sure what to do...........

OP posts:
shosha · 22/01/2007 14:22

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Emskilou · 22/01/2007 14:44

Thank you sosha will try that, I just tried to call my mother and talk to her about this but her cat died this morning so she was a bit hysterical not the best time to talk.

OP posts:
shosha · 22/01/2007 15:14

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Emskilou · 22/01/2007 15:21

Wow that is very kind of you, I'll see how I get on and I might just take you up on that, thank you again x

OP posts:
Original poster
Emskilou · 22/01/2007 23:59

So if I found my father, which I think I have btw, what on earth do I put in the letter I send to get in touch??

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 23/01/2007 06:51

Are you completely sure this man you write of is your birth father?.

Can an intermediary make contact with him?. Direct contact from yourself may come as a huge shock to him and you may not get the reception you want.

shosha · 23/01/2007 06:56

Message withdrawn

lissielou · 23/01/2007 08:16

do you know his name?

lissielou · 23/01/2007 08:19

sorry only did a v quick scan. when i traced my dad in the letter that i wrote to him i was v business-like and made it clear that i didnt want anything from him, just for him to k now who i was etc

Original poster
Emskilou · 23/01/2007 11:00

Thank you for the replies, I have done what you did lissielou and have made it clear I only want to know who he is and where I have come from. My uncles ex wife knew him quite well and was in contact with him until 1990 so I am pretty sure this is him. Bit scared/nervous now though, oh well I dont have anything to lose by finding out so I shouldnt be worried really. Thank you again for the replies

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 23/01/2007 11:03

can i ask why he hasn't seen you since he was a baby?

nappyaddict · 23/01/2007 11:03

since you were a baby i mean

Original poster
Emskilou · 23/01/2007 14:01

My mother and father split up when my mum found out she was pregnant, not in a nasty way as far as I know, he went to my granparents (mothers parents) and told them that he did not love my mother and was still in love with his previous girlfriend. My grandparents accepted this and said to my mother that they would help her to raise me and everyone was happy with this as far as I know, he saw me fairly regularly when I was a baby but I have been told that his mother didn't like my mother and made it almost impossible to see me. They would have to sneak visits in apparently. Then it broke down completely. Shortly after I was born my mother met someone else (the father to one of my brothers and my sister, it does get more confusing!!) and basically handed me over to my grandparents and that is where I stayed.

When I was 4 we all moved away from my mother her boyfriend and my brother. Whilst we were living apart I would spend the summer holidays with my mother, I don't remember it very clearly but I do remember I hated it. As a result my mother and I have never really had a relationship, but my grnadmother is more of a mother to me. Shortly after my sister was born they all followed and lived near to where we were, but I found it difficult, I knew they were my mum, brother and sister but didnt really know what that meant.

I didn't know any different really until I went to school and I got teased about being brought up by my grandparents, the other children used to call me an orphan and say that my mum and dad hated me because I was fat and ugly thats why they didn't want me. That was quite hard to deal with but my grandparents where amazing and kept me strong.

Oooh I have rambled on a bit haven't sorry about that

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 23/01/2007 16:02

sorry if i am being too nosey, i just wondered if your parents were quite young when they had you? i am shocked that just because your dads mum hated your mum she would stop him from seeing you though!

it is good that you don't have bad feelings toward him for not going against what his mother thought cos i think i would if i were you.

i hope you get the answer you want from your letter and that he wants to get to know you and your family even if it is a bit late.

shosha · 23/01/2007 16:11

Message withdrawn

nappyaddict · 23/01/2007 16:18

shosha if you don't mind me asking why do you bring up dgd?

at the moment my mum has my ds 3 days of the week and i worry what impact it will have on him. she wants to keep doing it next year aswell but i am not so keen on the idea personally.

shosha · 23/01/2007 17:53

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Emskilou · 23/01/2007 18:24

Not at all nosy nappyaddict,everything that has happened in my life makes me who I am and so I have nothing to hide or be ashamed of really. It was partly due to my mother that the relationship broke down too, I think she would not compromise on the relationship that I could have with my father, I also believe she was a woman scorned following their breakup and kind of used me as a weapon. I remember in an argument she said to me the only reason she kept me was in the hope that my father would be with her and that she didn't really want me. She also once said that she had to keep me because she could have any more terminations???? She does tend to say some odd things in the heat of the moment though and I can shrug them off now, I never used to be able to.

Shosa I am sure your dgd will grow up strong especially with you as the constant love, support and comfort in her life. I was so lucky to be with my grandparents, the way my mother lived her life I doubt I would be the person I am today. It is hard that we dont get on so well but I have my grandmother, she lives with me and my 2 babies (I know they arent babies really but they are to me!!) following my grandfather passing away last year, and she is amazing, I would put a picture up but she'd berserk!! Bless her, she is 71 but looks about 50, she says that is my fault as I have kept her young.......well I dont want her to look like and old granny just yet!!

Oooh rambled again sorry

OP posts:
nappyaddict · 23/01/2007 20:15

sorry what is CAM?

i am interested to know why you had DGD in the beginning and not her parents? then DGD could have lived with mum? and why when she went to live with her mum DGD didnt go with her. poor DGD she must feel a bit like 2nd best

also how come mum will let DGD see you but not her dad? i think if i was your son i would be a bit peed off if my mum could see my child but i couldn't.

nappyaddict · 23/01/2007 20:18

oh right so you mean she wanted him to get back with her and then he could see you, but otherwise he couldn't?

my mums new partner has a child his ex wouldn't let him see and that's his excuse. for me though i think if you wanted to see the child that much you could have easily have gone through courts etc. i guess you are more forgiving than i am!

shosha · 23/01/2007 20:28

Message withdrawn

shosha · 23/01/2007 20:28

Message withdrawn

nappyaddict · 23/01/2007 22:04

i spose it might be better in the long run to go along with her so she doesn't make things too difficult.

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