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Original poster

partner threatening having an affair

33 replies

missussmith55 · 27/06/2016 10:20

Hi,
I'm looking for advice. My partner have a 20mth son and together 4 yrs. We have been arguing alot recently. Mainly because I feel he doesn't help enough with our son and I'm knackered running after our running toddler! I dont feel like sex because I'm too tired and I feel like I'm taken for granted and all we do is argue and he insults me. Tbh I insult his behaviour not him when we argue. Anyway we haven't had sex for 5 weeks and he keeps on threatening to have an affair. Ive told him why atm I dont feel like having sex with him. I need to feel loved! I think he needs to have sex to feel loved. This argument comes up everytime we aren't getting on because I dont feel like having sex with someone who insults me. Advice please! I'm insulted further by threats and it makes me even angrier and chips away at my self esteem!

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 27/06/2016 10:24

I can see both sides here however, you're handling it like an adult & he's behaving like a petulant child.
You'll know doubt get a plethora of entitled, LTB rhetoric (understandably so) however I see it that if you want the relationship to work as you move forward, one of you is going to have to be big & break this cycle.
Hope you find a way forward here but, his attitude stinks

BolshierAryaStark · 27/06/2016 10:26

Honestly? I'd tell him no need for an affair as he's now single so can do whatever the fuck he wants.
He sounds pathetic & lazy to go with it, if you've talked & told him why you're so tired & he's still not doing any more at home then that's not going to change. Do yourself a favour & dump the selfish bastard before he completely destroys your self esteem.

DianaMitford · 27/06/2016 10:32

That is appallingly manipulative and childish and nasty. Absolute deal breaker for me. No regard for your feelings, a horrible threat to try and coerce you into sex. Your body - your decision. And that should be respected.

Myusernameismyusername · 27/06/2016 10:36

I really think you should ask him to try relate with you, see if he can understand your point of view. It sounds like you do understand his but he is dealing with this very badly. No one likes to be rejected but when they can't see their behaviour is the reason it's very frustrating

hellsbellsmelons · 27/06/2016 11:11

How does he insult you?
Swearing? Calling you awful names?
What do you get from this relationship now?
He's lazy, so why put up with it?

Original poster
missussmith55 · 27/06/2016 13:02

Thanks for advice. His insults range from insulting my family to my personal appearance and the usual that i only work part time so contribute. I save us £400 a month by taking 2 days off to look after our son. We used to have a good relationship and he used to be attentive towards me especially when our child was born. Now its almost as if he is saying, ' are you two still here?' He doesn't seem to have accepted that a child is work but is also very rewarding! If our sex life has to suffer for a bit I can cope with that. Even tho if he helped it might not be so rare. We have no support where we live as we haven't got to know anyone well enough yet. No grandparents but I have brothers who want to help but live elsewhere and he refuses to make an effort to see them or go to family dos. I dont want my son to live with separated parents I want a family unit but the price for that is my sanity!

OP posts:
Original poster
missussmith55 · 27/06/2016 13:10

Meant to add, he does help by driving our son to nursery 3 times a week. Its attached to his work 45 mins from where we live. I commute by train that takes 2hours so it made sense. If ever have to work late which I rate he does dinner and bedtime for our son. He just doesn't seem to get what family life is. We had different upbringings and he had an unhappy childhood. I dont want that for our child!

OP posts:
pallasathena · 28/06/2016 07:44

He helps by driving your son to nursery does he? Its called parenting but from what you say, he doesn't get the whole parenting thing at all.
You've saddled yourself with a man child who also doesn't get that he's a grown up now, doesn't get that he's a father. doesn't get very much at all really does he?
Well, if it was me I'd tell him to bugger off and have an affair. Tell him it would solve all your problems if he didn't bother to come back afterwards too.
Plenty more fish in the sea o/p.

WellErrr · 28/06/2016 07:47

Hes not 'helping' by driving his own son to nursery which is attached to his work anyway Shock

He sounds a right wanker. I'd take him up on his offer to be honest.

Resilience16 · 28/06/2016 09:33

You both need to talk. If you both feel the relationship is worth saving then couples counselling might be worth trying.
If he can't see anything wrong with his behaviour or attitude then you have to decide whether you want to suck it up and stay together(and lose any self respect you may have) or be brave and call it a day.
A healthy relationship isn't one where someone tries to bully you into doing something you don't want to do, and then threatens you when you refuse.
You deserve better x

AyeAmarok · 28/06/2016 09:39

It sounds like you have extremely low standards and expectations of your partner and co-parent.

Why is your self-esteem so low?

MissBattleaxe · 28/06/2016 09:45

You may want a family unit for your son, but you will also be presenting him with a blueprint. His father thinks any parenting he does is "doing you a favour". He undervalues you because you "only" work part time, he threatens you with infidelity if you don't give him sex, he insults your appearance and makes no effort to integrate with your family.

You and your son may well be happier in an atmosphere that didn't include him.

adora1 · 28/06/2016 12:10

He helps, lol, driving his own child fgs.

You do seem to have a very low standard of what you expect in a partner, as for the personal insults, do you want your child growing up listening to that, I wouldn't. I wouldn't put up with it even if no child was there, he sounds horrible.

Original poster
missussmith55 · 08/07/2016 18:15

So I suggested we swop roles in chores and childcare fir a while and I think since doing that the penny has dropped. Now he understands why I'm.tired and now he is helping out more. Oh and i actually have the energy for sex and the inclination because is starting to appreciate me. He us also enjoying spending time with our son and bonding. I'm working on the counselling bit now. Thanks for your advice.

OP posts:
Dozer · 08/07/2016 18:21
Confused
meworthit · 08/07/2016 19:01

Hope things improve but If he ever threatens to have an affair again sign him up for tinder and let him work away. Cheeky git

Kenduskeag · 08/07/2016 19:03

oh gr8 hun he sounds luvvly hun so blessed!!!

No. Seriously. Why are you staying with a man who threatened to have an affair if you didn't give him sex you did not want?

Raise your standards to somewhere above the bottom of the barrel.

Pearlman · 08/07/2016 20:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

smilingeyes11 · 08/07/2016 20:09

bloody hell - are you seriously putting up with this? An abusive coercive knob - tell him to go have affairs now he is single and go and get your counselling to build on your own self esteem. Someone who argues to make you have sex with them, how charming. I wouldn't touch him with someone else's bargepole let alone my own.

Flacidunicorn · 08/07/2016 20:14

You swapped for a while? A while?.....
27/6 - 8/7... so 10 days then?

In other words, hes made a weak attempt at placating you so youll play with his shrivelled brain container. Lucky him, youve boubht it, give it a few days he'll probably go back to normal, few weeks layer he'll placate you again amd everythings dandy.....

Or you could wise up now, dont put up with ups and downs, dont accept someone who only makes your life better when he wants something, find someone who'll make your life better because they love you.

RandomMess · 08/07/2016 20:16

So he's switched roles for 2 weeks and he's suddenly realising that he's been an idiot?

That is fast progress!

Hissy · 08/07/2016 20:19

To be fair Random it only took us a couple of seconds to work out he was a twat...

Original poster
missussmith55 · 26/11/2017 23:10

Update! I left him 3 months ago and feel much happier. He continued to be a lazy git which became bullying which became extremely verbally abusive towards me and my son. That was the wake up call when he turned on my son. I left with my son. Hes now left with no family and sees his son on a Saturday. I have my brothers near me and my son is so much happier being in.a happy environment. My advice to anyone else in that situation is get your escape plan in place and quietly and calmly leave. Dont let him guilt trip about splitting up a family when he cant be arsed to be around his family. Thanks for your advice everyone.Good to read and know how much I have moved on.

OP posts:
munkynutts · 26/11/2017 23:23

Im so happy for you 😊

groovergirl · 26/11/2017 23:35

Good stuff, OP. Great that you moved quickly on this. And now you have Saturdays off duty -- yay!

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