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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husbands browser history includes adultworks - should I leave him ?

37 replies

Vunhappy123 · 27/06/2016 08:41

So as my name suggests I'm incredibly upset by this whole situation and could really do with some perspective. I have been married 2 years and from my perspective things had been ok. Not great but not awful late one night I got home late - I used to work 70hr weeks - and my iPad had died so I picked up my OH and used his being nosy I looked at his history (was my birthday coming up) and found that he had been looking at adultworks website a lot . He had a password on his iPad that he didn't think I knew so there was a lot of history. All on this site, also looking at incest porn and underage porn. Makes me feel sick typing this. Anyway I thought maybe he's looking because he's best man for his friend and is looking to play a prank (not uncommon) so I did what every insane person would do and set up a key logger on his laptop (I realise this is bad but I really wanted to prove myself wrong and didn't want to start a fight). In the back of my head I must have known that it was a possibility he was punting... But I also decided to wait until after the wedding to see if he stopped using the site (the wedding was in May). This caused me a great deal of stress but I knew he would just lie and fob me off if I didn't have proof. So during those months I can see he's been on adultworks a lot and also using webcam girls (I got his log in details and although I couldn't see any messages to any ladies of the night I could see he's paid for webcam girls) I could also see he's been searching for escorts by postcode our home postcode. He's also been on to swingers websites and another called Sussex punting, and typing in local escorts, and tips on what to do with a hooker. I confronted him this weekend and haven't been able to stop crying. He swears he never met up with any of them just viewed it as porn (because he finds normal porn boring) and doesn't see the problem with webcam girls. I have gone to stay at a friends house and he's begging me to come back saying he will do anything see consillor etc ... I'm just so broken... I don't want to walk away from him as I love him but I don't know if I can trust him again. I mean how do I know that he hasn't met up with these girls... By taking his word for it ?

If it makes any difference he's v controlling over money and nothing's in my name (house) so if I walk away I will walk away with nothing. I thought the past months I have known would mean I'm less upset, but I'm devestated.

OP posts:

MoonlightMedicine · 27/06/2016 08:48

Oh you poor thing, you must be crushed. I've no advice to offer but I don't think I could come back from this if I'd found all of this on my DH's history. There are so many different issues (porn use in general, unsavoury themes but also taking it a step further with looking into prostitutes) and him not seeming to think it's that bad.

It's not something I could live with. Sorry not to be more comforting OP.

SatansLittleHelper2 · 27/06/2016 08:53

He's been looking at indecent images of children ?? Did I read that right ?

category12 · 27/06/2016 09:02

Well you won't walk away with nothing, because you're married. Therefore you'll have some claim on marital assets whether they're all in his name or not. So that's good news, right?

Given his controlling behaviour and vile porn habits, I would use this horrible discovery as the motivation to get the hell out.

TwinklingStar123 · 27/06/2016 09:06

I posted yesterday about my ex looking at indecent images of a 17 year old, I reported it because it worries me what else he could be looking at privately, I rang nspcc and they've referred to the police and children's services. Anyone under 18 is a child and if he's been looking at that he needs to be reported

Nivea101 · 27/06/2016 09:09

I find the fact he was looking at underage porn the worst of all. Just how underage are we talking?

I know lots of men (most men??) like to look at porn and find it a turn on in a way that most women don't but dear God not children please.

TheOracleAtSelfie · 27/06/2016 09:13

You poor thing. Given what you've said about him being controlling, and everything you've told us, I would urge you to speak to Women's Aid and get their advice. The sooner you can be rid of him the better. Xxx

Original poster

Vunhappy123 · 27/06/2016 09:14

It's like teenage porn so the girls look like 16.... Legally ok but morally ... Oh god when I think I'm never going to have him in my life I feel a bit like being sick.. The same feeling of when I think of what he has done...

OP posts:

MoonlightMedicine · 27/06/2016 09:25

I'm not sure why but I didn't really fully digest the term 'underage porn'. If he is looking at images/videos of children being abused, or adults looking like children being abused - that would definitely be the end for me, regardless of anything else.

I can totally understand how sick and shocked you must be feeling.

Nivea101 · 27/06/2016 09:28

Hhhmm well they may look 16 but they could be as young as 11 or 12. I remember a friend of my grand-daughter (GD is skinny as a rake and looks her age) when they were going to a 13 year old birthday party and a friend of hers turned up in a bodycon dress and heels and my DD and I were shocked at how much older she looked more like an 18 year old.

Nivea101 · 27/06/2016 09:30

Also there are groups on FB which have very young teenage girls chatting up older men. I was in a anti sexual abuse group at one time and the mods would post a link and ask us to report it to FB en masse to get them stopped but as far as I know they are still on there.

FreeFromHarm · 27/06/2016 09:38

So sorry you are going through this, you are married , so you are entitled so do not worry about that. I agree with other ppls , he will lie, my xdh is all over the internet and he has ow, so to believe he will stop is just a script for you .
Well done Twinkling, I saw your post yesterday, you did the right thing.
OP you need to stay strong and get out, it will escalate, trust me, these men are not to be trusted, sorry xx

category12 · 27/06/2016 11:30

Oh and consider whether this is a man you want to have children with. Daughters.

You don't need this kind of worry in your life.

janieblaye · 27/06/2016 11:40

I am rally sorry you are going through this.

I had an ex (fiance) that was a lovely man in most respects, but he had a history of this sort of behaviour with his first wife, which he told me was due to the fact that she never had sex with him and was prudish.

I lived with him for 5 years, and like I say, he was a genuinely good guy. Always treated me like a Queen, great Father, considerate, gentle, supportive and we had a robust daily sex life which included a lot of kinky fun enough to satisfy any man.

After we split up, I looked at the web browsing history and he had indeed still been frequenting these sites while we were together and supposedly happy.

My point being that someone does not need to be an "obvious" bastard or not in love with you to do these things - but it always, always, always is the sign of a man who is capable of lying, being selfish and not being fully committed to you. Not in the way that matters.

When you marry - sorry - but you forsake this shit. You completely forsake it.

Reality, as hard as it was for me at the time to accept is that men like this are sending you a few messages.

I am happy doing things that would hurt or upset you if I feel you can't see me doing it

I like to get my sexual kicks from other women sometimes

I am more sexually aroused by random teenagers than the woman I love

I act loyal, I act committed...but I am not 100% so

And rally it might seem a small thing to many people, but to be this speaks volumes of a person's character and I could not now ever live with a man who did this.

He will surely eventually let you down - whether with actually fucking a hooker or merely just being a selfish, feckless coward when hard times hit you.

It speaks to character.

Original poster

Vunhappy123 · 27/06/2016 12:45

Also it sounds sad to say but I blame myself for this.. Our sex life has been no exist for the past year ... I had a operation that made sex v painful but I have been more than willing, he was the one who said he didn't want to have sex if it hurt me.. We did have sex during this period but not a lot of it... I feel like I caused this - thank you everyone for your comments

OP posts:

TheOracleAtSelfie · 27/06/2016 12:50

OP you cannot blame yourself. No one is forcing him to do this stuff. He's an adult and should have some bloody self control.

I had an ex who treated me horribly and I remember feeling so sick before I left him, wondering how I could cope without him. I'm now married to the best man in the world, blissfully happy, with a gorgeous daughter. You will be happy again, I promise xxx

CharminglyGawky · 27/06/2016 13:00

16 is not legally ok, this was very clear on the thread yesterday, pictures of anyone under the age of 18 are illegal and classed as child abuse. 16 is the age of consent for sex but a 16yr old is still classed as legally underage and as such indecent images of them are illegal.

If you are married you would not be leaving with nothing as there will have to be a divorce settlement. But really the main issue here is that husband has been looking at images of child abuse, you need to report him.

Original poster

Vunhappy123 · 27/06/2016 13:09

Ok well im new to mumsnet and frankly this is all a bit of a shock to me. I have no way to verify age of the participants of the porn since the search term didn't say child ... Also what I did with the key logger is most defiantly a no no

OP posts:

loobyloo1234 · 27/06/2016 13:12

Underage girls I would probably do more than LTB, I would also report him

Do not blame yourself for this though, it is his choice. He is an adult. Please stay strong and stay away from him. You deserve better. If he has googled escorts in his area, I would be 99% sure he has met up with at least one

Nivea101 · 27/06/2016 13:20

This is not about you OP this is about HIM. It doesn't matter that you went snooping or if a friend told you.

This is the man you are living with, he is your husband. He is not supposed to act like this but he is. He is an adult and made this CHOICE nobody forced him.

He is showing you who he really is

pocketsaviour · 27/06/2016 13:41

If he's been searching for "teen porn" and he's been on mainstream sites looking for it, then he hasn't accessed child porn. Child porn sites generally aren't searchable, the links tend to be passed around on the dark web.

As someone else has said, as you are married to this prick you are entitled to a share of the marital home (although less than if there were children involved.) Can you try to ring round some local solicitors today and find one (or more) who offer free initial appointments? He sounds very controlling financially and he will try to stitch you up if he can.

What is your own financial situation? Are you working, could you afford to move out and rent in the interim?

SandyY2K · 27/06/2016 13:49

He's controlling with money .... how do you live with that.

He was paying for cam girls..

Perhaps use this as leverage to get your name on the house and everything else. If refuses tell him you're leaning towards a seperation.

I see cheating if you stay with him and I'm not mystic Meg.

Original poster

Vunhappy123 · 27/06/2016 13:50

I can lucky I have a decent enough job, but I had an operation that he paid for that I will need to pay him back so that will make money tight for the future.

He's been saying that he lives me and wants to make it work and it's now up to me to see if I can be bother to make it work... Makes me feel like I'm just walking away without trying... Which makes me feel like death on a stick ..he saying to try to go to a therapist and talk though out problems..

I'm so lost I don't know who to turn to, I told my friend and now I feel like I'm being judged.

I have had a convo with a lawyer and they said its half but that's if he doesn't move it into someone else's name. I can spend £1000 to stop him doing that but the land registery will notify him... God knows what will happen then

OP posts:

Nivea101 · 27/06/2016 14:49

You have to pay your HUSBAND back for an operation you had?

smilingeyes11 · 27/06/2016 15:08

Regardless of anything underage - porn and financial abuse would be enough for me to want to get rid. That alone is bad enough surely?

And he looks at this stuff because he is flawed - it most certainly is not your fault.

SandyY2K · 27/06/2016 16:32

From what you've said your future with him doesn't look great. No loving husband expects you to pay him back for an operation.

Or he's a stingy git.

You need to realise what your future will be like with him. You have the opportunity to demand a change with finances or be done.

Did he own the house before you married him?

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