Heartbroken and confused

[Confusedlecturer]

I never thought I'd be in this position, I'm not even sure why I'm posting, but I have no one to talk to in RL. My husband of nearly 25 years informed me on Thursday night that he hasn't loved me for years, I'm difficult to live with and he's been seeing someone else for two years. He won't even consider trying to save our marriage and he will be moving 500 miles away to live with 'the love of his life'.
Before the weekend I thought we were happy and very much in love, we have a lot in common, I've helped him build his career, we were even discussing all the things we were going to do now our last child heads to university in the summer. How can I have missed his unhappiness? I don't recognise the person that he claims I am. This has come as such a massive shock, I still love him so much, I haven't stopped crying since Thursday, I haven't been able to eat since Friday as even a small amount of food is making me sick. I just feel bewildered - I just can't see a way ahead and I have no idea what to do next.

He needs to leave the house, that and actual legal advice is your top priority. If you have joint accounts make sure he isn't clearing them out. Are both your names on the tenancy ?

I have not been in your situation but something similar happened to my DH Aunt, her shithead of a husband had been having an affair for six years.

He hasn't been mentally in a relationship with you for some time you just sadly didn't know so his head will have adjusted. At some point he may realise and panic and then grovel and try and get back. Personally if anyone ever did that to me I wouldn't even use them as a doormat to wipe the shit off my shoe on.

Find your anger. He's a twat.

The fact that he's dragging up such shitty reasons to leave as the one about you being 'unapproachable' whilst in ITU means he's really scraping the barrel.

You've done nothing wrong. He's a shit who's been having an affair, but still can't admit that he's in the wrong. As if it wasn't enough to do this to you in the first place, he has to gaslight you into thinking its your fault.

Well fuck that.

I'm fuming for you.
You need to tell him to fuck off immediately, and until he goes stop doing ANYTHING for him - no meals, no clothes washing, no life admin. He's chosen his way.

So sorry this is happening to you, it is all bullshit, and the leavers script is aptly named because it's the cowards way of pushing blame .
Solicitor
Finances
The Real friends will stay true
Keep your dignity ( wish I had ) by staying strong and not retaliating
You are best rid.
I helped build his career for him to take a lower paid job / stop paying pension/ mortgage all planning he was advised to leave me with nothing...
Best served cold.... You wait xx

Both names on the tenancy, only a joint account for bills. This is my main worry. My lovely son has just messaged me to say he's booked and paid for a solicitors appointment for me, I can't get over how amazing and supportive my kids have been. It's starting to dawn on me that I can't trust him... So for my sanity and the children I need to stop crying and become practical.

Do not believe a word he says , he is being told what to do by his D* , there is no reasoning or conversing with an adulterer !
Stay strong, you have your kids and the law on your side, he has admitted adultery, and don't you dare blame yourself, clear your head ok, here for you xx

I have been where you are and it sounds like your husband is using the same script. I felt like I was living in a parallel universe as he reinvented our past and told me he hadn't loved me for years. As time went by it became apparent he was having a relationship with my "friend" which was a double whammy. While it was going on I couldn't understand how I was still waking up every morning. The good news is that once I accepted it was over and took back control of my life (this didn't happen quickly mind!) I have achieved more than I ever thought possible. You will get through this, it will be tough, please try not to become bitter as that is just self destructive and will only hurt you, not easy when you are in the midst of things.

I'm so sorry OP. You really need to kick him out he'll have to stay in an hotel or one of his numerous 'friends' houses. Your children sound lovely that's all you need right now. Then in a few months or years time when your DH and OW relationship goes wrong, which it will because they both sound like selfish brats you'll be in a much happier place with new friends and your DC and he'll be left with nothing

So sorry this is happening to you.

Your son sounds lovely. Get all your facts together - write a timeline if necessary and focus on what you need for the future.

He isn't moving onto a new wonderful life. There is an ex H around, there are young children and then there are your lovely children. Doesn't sound great to be honest. Now you will move onto a wonderful life. Your children will support you. Close friends will be there for you so start telling people.

It will get easier. He has moved on which is why he is re-writing history. Ignore what he says. He will have nothing nice to say at this stage as he is like a teenager in love. But it will not last and it will change.

He's an absolute arse! You need to turn that pain into anger and kick his cheating backside out the door!

Sorry OP

All your advice has helped so much, and it has really helped to understand that this is his problem and his behaviour not mine. Thank you.

This is a crap time and I'm so sorry you are going through this.
As others have said, he's re-writing history to make himself feel better about being a lying cheating shite!!!
Jeez, he's bringing up stuff from 18 years ago to try to justify his shitty behaviour. That's how much he's having to dig to find something to blame YOU for!
Dick-head.

As I always say, sugary tea and ice lollies got me through.
Keeps you hydrated and your sugar levels up.
You will need that! As the shock sets in.

Your DC are being a great support.
They will see your 'D'H for what he is and so are you now.
Find the anger and keep it.
Good luck with the solicitor.

for you.

This time my friend will be the hardest time of your life , I am 15 months on after 31 years together , ds went to uni in September and obviously he had his future mapped out with ow and her kids . Keep strong , cry , rest , breathe and read the book run away husbands ❤️ We are all in this together x

I am so sorry this has happened to you Confused.

He can't just make statements like that and expect to live in the same house as you!!!

What a right pair of charmers they must be both cheating on their spouses. Well karma is a bitch and it will happen. I wonder how he'll like waking up with 3 small kids running around demanding attention 24/7?

Like others have said on here you need to find your anger because that will be like lighting the blue touchpaper and you will find the inner strength to take back control of your life.

Good luck and to all those ladies who've been cheated on. I was one of them too and now I look at my life as a singleton and don't think I could get any happier. It does happen but it takes time.

An update: thanks for the book suggestion Runaway husbands... My daughter read it too and said it was as if the author had been writing about my husband.

I tried speaking to him, he is shifting more of the blame onto me, the fact that he has had the affair seems to mean so little to him, I know we're are both guilty of failures in the marriage, but my eyes have been opened to how cruel, cold and calculating he's become. He is not the man I married.

He has carried on as normal this week (from what I've seen of him on TV) he seems happy and normal, whereas I can't eat (I've lost stone since the weekend) and my head is still in turmoil. But, today I've woken up and decided that I am going to have a fab life and do ALL the things he's stopped me doing... I may be broken but, I can start again, and hopefully he'll see what he's lost one day, not that I'll be waiting around for that.

So thank you from the bottom of my heart, for keeping me going when I just wanted not to wake up in the morning. It's going to be tough and sad, but I'm bloody well going to do it.

He seems normal as he's known about his cheating and its possible consequences for a long time now. Maybe more than two years. I found that my ex (h of 20+ years, usual cliché) had a couple of practice runs before striking lucky.

I'm glad you've realised the true story behind his criticism of you. It took me a long time to find out about the Script. Another voice here saying that is indeed unfortunately what they do.

I'm now over two years on from the Reveal and I am happy we split up. My life is much better than I could have imagined right now, I feel like I have emerged from a coma. Even though I thought life was OK with him. Now I realise I was just making the most of a pretty poor deal.

Btw, if the cheeky git insists it is his right to stay in his home etc., just remember that if you can't sleep at night then you can put that time to good use by waking him up for a chat.

Well done OP, sounds like you've got some fighting spirit in you and that will help you through.

Well done. I'm so sorry that it has been necessary for you to draw on these reserves of strength and bravery.

Just wanted to say though, that it's. not linear, this process - you have days when you feel strong and equal to a new future; then days when your incandescent anger carries you almost to violence; then days when you feel so sad and small that you don't believe you can ever be happy again.

The roller coaster is tough, but it's normal. Don't be disheartened if your current buoyancy doesn't last - it's still very very early days. Eventually the good days will outweigh the bad days, and in the end (and I know that's a long way off now, but it will come) you will be happy and content and fulfilled and whatever you like in your new life.

You will survive this. Be kind to yourself as the process takes its course, accept support where it's offered, and fake control of protecting yourself financially. Good luck.

Am sorry he's let you down so badly and is behavinh abominably.

Do not listen to him or engage in any further conversation about his reasons for leaving/the relationship/your failings (which are self serving bullshit and a standard "script" to justify his selfish actions).

Focus on ways of getting him OUT! See the solicitor asap and prepare well for the appointment - there are threads onMN on that. Look for papers about his finances, any pension etc. Bank statements (eg might he have savings you don't know about?) Divorce him!

Stop doing anything at all for him (eg washing, cooking). Is he in a spare room?

Sounds like you have great DC and good current and future work options, the new lectureship etc - good for you! If your friends are true friends they will stick by you, if not there will be kind, fun new people in your future.

Get photocopies of all paperwork in fact, before he leaves.

Also, sad as it is, get your health checked out. Who knows if his friend's husband was faithful?

I'm sorry you are going through all this. One think struck me. You were working as a teacher and he has some niche interest. Yet ye are renting a house. Has he been living off you all those years as he pursued his own agenda? I feel you may begin to see this man in a new light as the days go on and you recover from the shock. He sounds horribly selfish and no doubt you can recall many instances of that throughout your marriage. Him recalling events is very typical of a cheating dh trying to justify his carry on and make himself still look good. Keep your head up. You will come through this.

Living well is always the best revenge.
You sound like you've had a bit of a 'light-bulb' moment.
That is what you need and they'll come thick and fast when you let them.
Take care of yourself.
You WILL live a wonderful and happy life without him.

I have had a bit of a lightbulb moment, but it still hurts a lot. I've managed to cry in front of people twice today, and I have started to tell people what he's done as it crops up. So far most have been very supportive and angry in my behalf, which suprised me. The support here has really helped.