Marriage blues

[Peonylass]

I have been with DH for 15 years. On the face of it we're quite similar but actually we're totally opposite. He's fairly traditional and sedentary. I am unconventional and like getting out and about.

I became the main earner nearly 5 years ago. I've always managed finances and ran the house etc. DH has only really started picking up some slack a couple of years ago, and even then it's like pulling teeth. He's not a communicator, really he's pretty passive aggressive, and I often feel like he wants to be my son rather than husband.

We are kinship carers and our kids have been really challenging. Late last year things came to a head, our youngest was getting really aggressive and he started saying he resented me and the kids. We had couples counselling and he talked about how he found me overbearing. The counselor was very sympathetic to that. He did however pitch in a bit more after that.

So fast forward to now. He's been signed off work for weeks now with depression and I am still needing to cover off everything. I suspect he is going to leave his job and has blamed his depression partly on me.

I love the guy to bits but I can't cope with him any more. I know I could cope without him, after a fashion. I almost wish l had let him carry on instead of smoothing it over. At the moment he isn't saying he wants to leave.

I just wish he'd make some kind of decision. He fell into his current line of work and hates his job. I was the one who pursued him, asked him to movei n with me, I proposed. It feels like he's mostly been along for the ride, though I know he would disagree . I feel like he needs to go off and find himself, or something. He is a huge procrastinator and I am scared this will limp along like this indefinitely unless I cut him loose.

So cut him loose.

Sounds like you'll be doing him a favour. He will finally have to sort his own life out.

I think it is going to go badly if I try to ask him to leave. He isn't talking about leaving any more and says he didn't mean it. But for me, something needs to change. He is stuck, as if waiting for everything to blow over.

This is my second marriage, and even without kids my last divorce was horrible. I lost most of my friends and a lot of assets. I am so run down and tired doing all the doing, breadwinner and mum to my two kids, who have asd and attachment. And he has nowhere to go. We have no family near by and he hasn't made close friends around here.

I can sympathize with you both. As somebody who had depression 20+ years ago and has since been diagnosed with anxiety, my DH does an amazing job of filling in the gaps. However this means I don't have to recover and there is no indication to me there's anything wrong as he's seemless. Then add in that when I do see it, I don't feel needed or worth anything because he can without me. On top of that I don't feel worthy or able to do things for me because of the guilt.

That's the short version but to sum up, there's so many emotions swimming round it's hard to tease them out and things only work for us because I've learnt to be honest and he's learnt not to take my woes personally.

The harder I work the moodier he is. My success at work is a personal affront, it seems. We are renovating the house and the budget is now so tight that we have to decorate and finish off ourselves, exceptf or those bits we can't do without a professional. He is home all day and won't do housework, won't do any decorating or diy, wants me to deal with food etc. I am having to carry on with it on my own whilst he watches tv and makes puppy dog eyes.

He feels we should carry on getting tradesmen in, he doesn't deal with money or bills. He earns nearly as much as me, but only contributes about ,30%.of the bills. He won't even pay if we go out for a meal.

I understand the guilt thing, he has that in spades. If I ask him for help he can get really defensive, say I am calling him selfish etc. But if I don't ask he says how should he know I need anything

That doesn't excuse him being out of touch of not wanting to improve communication though. It was improved communication that has got us through, if that's something he's not prepared to work on then not much will change.

I tried talking to him yesterday, about how I realise he needs to get his head together, how it can't be easy. I said I am ok with him completelyc changing career, that I recognize he needs space from us, that I know he's been unhappy for years and that we can't keep smoothing it over to put off addressing it, a whole lot of things. He went to sit in another room and ignored me. When he came to bed it was as if nothing had happened.

I'll keep trying

Well from the sound of it if you wait for him to organise anything you'll be waiting a long time.

Why don't you take the initiative and say outright that you want a separation/divorce? Go and speak with a solicitor who can advise you.

I have started to look for legal advice and counselling.

I have been unhappy for years but the relationship ran on for various reasons. He worked away for 6 years, working and living with my parents. I also started drinking regularly which became a reason for me to constantly need to make it up to him as both his parents are/were alcoholics.

He came home full time 4 years ago and I gave up drinking 3 years ago. Things got so much harder after that.

I haven't managed to get any advice yet. It's taking a bit of time.

My husband is signed off work sick for the summer and I don't think he will go back. I was trying to get an au pair for September as I don't have childcare, so I am now stuck not knowing what is happening.

We are talking but I am not able to ask him what is going on. He can't answer me.

Is he too unwell to care for the children? Are they in school?

I had already started looking for an au pair through an agency when this started. We have been using after school clubs for our younger one and babysitters for our older one. My main babysitter is emigrating next month and we are rural enough that the only other regular option would be an au pair - incidentally this is cheaper than after school club for our younger child.

My husband could look after the children and we have already stopped the babysitters but the house is already trashed from him kicking around in it all day and he regularly wants me to still cook even if I have worked a full day. I refuse.

On a particularly good day recently he talked about wanting to go back to working away again. When he worked part time previously when we only had the younger one, I had to put her into nursery full time because he insisted it was too much.

If he goes completely, I will need live in childcare.

I guess I still have to get an au pair and suck it up if we don't actually need one.

Is he on medication for the depression and getting talking therapy? He may have deep issues due to childhood that have lead to the depression.

Stop thinking about him and his needs all the time. Everything is about him. Stop.

What do you need? What do the children need?

Don't say that the children need a brilliant father, if that isn't on offer (without him getting magically cured of everything).

Yes, he's on meds. This isn't the first time. We'd both had depression early on in the relationship. He's never really wanted to do talk therapy, tried a couple of sessions and that's it. I think he may be on a waiting list for counselling though.

I think for me, I kept thinking it was the depression and he'd gradually get more positive/motivated, but actually no I think his attitute is a cause for his depression rather than the result of it.

The kids need consistent parents and parenting. We've been doing training around this recently because both have had trauma/loss before coming to us. That has worried me, that if my husband goes, it'll be yet another loss for them.

The kids need to stop where they are at least for now. No changes of home, or school. I want to stop where I am, with my little community around me, even if family aren't close by, because I get support and that filters down to the kids. I can't aford to buy him out. I gave him half of everything, well before I ever thought we'd have the kids - their mum died a few years ago.

The kids need parents who can put them first.

and if I were to ever find someone else, I need a fella who can give as easily as take, who can pay a complement, who has the same drive as I have

As an aside, did you know that you are entitled to an assessment to see if the adoption support find can help with any therapy or parenting training for you and the kids?
It's been extended to sgo families

yes, we're getting parenting traíning

He's never going to make you happy, you are massively different, he's a lazy arse also who expects you to support him whenever he feels like it, that's not a partnership, no equality, nothing.

I think you'd find yourself a lot happier without him, he's a child, I'd resent him so much sitting on his arse watching TV, where is the respect for you as his partner, he's one useless sod I'm afraid.

He seems to think you are there no matter what, it's about time you put yourself first and stop thinking about him all the time, he certainly isn't think of you at all.

Thanks. This week has been easier. Whilst I haven't asked him to leave, I have been quite frank about how unsupported I feel and that he is basically teaching me to manage as a single parent. Suddenly he is doing bits and pieces.

Well don't expect it to last, it's a reaction to your attitude rather than him actually feeling guilty and wanting to help.

The fact you Say he wants to be your son is just eugh, rather off putting.

He aint teaching you jack shit, you are doing it all OP.

I think you might find yourself saying exactly the same thing in a month's time.

Interestingly too that he has nowhere to go, no family, no friends, nobody at all? You feel responsible for him but he is an adult.

I know he's pitching in more because I have set out my stall. I know it is unlikely to last.