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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

A year on and my ex still thinks I cheated

64 replies

Newbie100 · 26/06/2016 02:34

A year ago, my dds dad left me because he thought I had cheated. Long story short, all started on the train back from a family gathering he was out of control drunk and started accusing me...even spat In my face.
Anyways for some stupid reason I messaged him saying that I missed him.
And his reply was he can't forgive me until I admit what I've done and he knows for sure I have..
Just so upsetting that he truly believes I have and I don't know what I can do to make him believe I haven't.
Should I just forget him well and truly now and move on..

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mypropertea · 26/06/2016 11:41

Spat at your face!!! You can do better.

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Rainbowlou1 · 26/06/2016 11:50

He sounds like my ex...I was accused of cheating constantly and he convinced himself it was true.
He was nasty and abusive and when he got away with spitting in my face it got worse.
One and only reason he was so convinced was because he was the one doing the cheating!
(I never cheated on him)

He is probably still convinced and behaving like that to another poor woman somewhere but looking back I was so miserable I'm glad he broke it off with me for being a 'lying cheating slag'

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Kimononono · 26/06/2016 12:35

He knows it's not true. Its his get out from being in a relastionship with you.

Just out of intrest did he meet some one else soon after ?

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Newbie100 · 26/06/2016 12:39

I know your all right, thank you for replying.
I can only blame wanting to contact him again on how insecure I feel right now and lack of self confidence. Cannot see past this.. But I'm going to look at this from a different light as I'm sick of being stuck in this rut

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Atenco · 26/06/2016 14:47

I grew up without a father in the household, OP, mine immigrated so I hardly knew him, but I had a happy childhood, with a loving family and not the troubles that my older siblings had who witnessed the fights.

The freedom programme is often recommended here, Newbie. The people who have taken it, swear by it. Maybe that would be a good place for you to start to build up your self confidence again.

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Newbie100 · 26/06/2016 18:34

sorry kimonono, he hasn't met anyone else well anyone that's he's admitting to. I've asked out right that he at least give me some respect when it comes to introducing our dd to any future partners... Hopefully he will do the right thing.

He's just dropped dd off now, doesn't even look at me. But holding my head high don't want him to think that he's upset me again this weekend

Thank you for sharing that Atenco, all I want is my dd to be happy.
X

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Newbie100 · 27/06/2016 10:05

Feeling a little emotional today, and defeated.
But reading back all this advice I refuse to let it get to me anymore.
Thank you all again.

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Newbie100 · 28/06/2016 14:13

Would it be silly, to consider a lie detector to prove my innocence.

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adora1 · 28/06/2016 14:21

So he physically and verbally abused you - for something you didn't even do, does that not tell you something OP - the guy's an arsehole, you are well rid, don't allow any human being to do that to you again, it's not normal!

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adora1 · 28/06/2016 14:22

Nothing wrong with being a single parent either OP, you can easily do it. You need to find a wee bit happiness for yourself, and it's not him, you are just in love with the idea of it all working out - you now know for sure it never will.

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smilingeyes11 · 28/06/2016 14:23

yes a lie detector is ridiculous - you know this already. Nothing you say or do will change him as the issue here is him and not you. You cannot change an abuser. Why would you want to?

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hellsbellsmelons · 28/06/2016 14:27

No! to the lie detector!
You really need to stop letting this worry you so much.
He's a cock and an abusive one at that.
You don't need to prove anything to him.
YOU know and that's what matters.

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Newbie100 · 28/06/2016 14:32

I don't feel like I actually really want to do one, but just feel so shit at the moment.
Probably because it's all been bought back up again and I'm feeling a little insecure about myself.
I'm not gunna do one. Just a stupid thought I think

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adora1 · 28/06/2016 14:34

You need a distraction, a hobby, something to keep you busy, I think you are lonely and this is why you are focusing so much on a past dead relationship.

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Newbie100 · 28/06/2016 14:37

I think your right for sure

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Kimononono · 28/06/2016 15:16

newbie eork on yourself esteem love.

This guy has treated you like shit, honestly he has. He spat in your face then punished you for something you didn't do for over a year. He is still punishing you by not looking at you and trying to make you feel shit. Why do you want this man?

If this guy loved you, if he genuinly thought you had cheated, he would want to know what happened, why it happened and maybe work on putting it back to getter. He has done none of these. He plucked a reason out of thin air because he wanted to leave you and he has clung on to that so people didn't think he was a cunt for leaving you and he is going that one step further by tormenting you with it.

He is no catch.
He is no decent man.

Rather than bloody lie detectors you really need to be looking why you are allowing yourself to be treated so badly.

For the sake of your dd, get yourself together and be a strong woman as she will look at you for an example on how strong independant women are supposed to be. How would you feel if this was her and her bloke did this to her? Get angry at this prick and cut him off.

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P1nkP0ppy · 28/06/2016 15:25

He's trying to justify his awful behaviour op, and he's an oaf.
He's also trying to control you and manipulate you so you keep hankering after him and an unrealistic idea of life with him.
He's an abusive bastard, you certainly deserve very much better op.

Get angry.

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SandyY2K · 28/06/2016 15:52

You didn't cheat on him.
You don't need to prove it to him.

Your DD needs to see a good role model who doesn't put up with a man who spits at her mum.

He's a sorry excuse of a man. Get out there and meet decent respectful men who wouldn't dream of doing this.

He's either mental with paranoia or he's projecting his own behaviour on you. None of the two are good.

Only discuss child related matters with him.

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Warrior314 · 28/06/2016 15:56

He spat in your face??

That's so disrespectful.

If he thinks badly of you let him. Let him get on with that shit on his own. You're under no obligation to earn his favour or his approval or his forgiveness.

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Warrior314 · 28/06/2016 15:58

I agree that you need to feel angry.

In the end, forgiveness and moving on or for the best, but you need to recognise that he has put you up in the dock, metaphorically speaking. That takes the spotlight off him nicely. get angry. How dare he put you on trial?

you are not on trial

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Warrior314 · 28/06/2016 16:01

ps,

Do not even think of doing a lie detector test. He'll just know that he still has his hooks in to you. If he sees the lengths you're willing to go to to prove your innocence, he'll know he still has you.

If you can say 'believe what you are determined to believe, I can't continue to care'' then he will realise that you are moving on.

Do not waste money on a lie detection test.

Because it doesn't matter what he thinks.

Repeat that a thousand times. ''it doesn't matter what he thinks'' and then repeat it another thousand times.

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Atenco · 28/06/2016 16:28

Set yourself some objectives that will improve your life, such as making new friends, learning something new

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AnyFucker · 28/06/2016 17:15

Would it be silly, to consider a lie detector to prove my innocence.

Yes it would. Have you not taken anything on board from this thread ? Confused

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TheSilveryPussycat · 28/06/2016 17:54

Lie detectors prove nothing anyway. Stop cluching at straws.

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ptumbi · 28/06/2016 18:16

OP - my DP has a cow nieghbour who made up stuff about him, to get her large family to ostracise him, get people on her side, be the big queenBee. He, being a decent, nice person, was horrified by the allegations, and spent god knows how long trying to convince her he hadn't done what she'd made up, she would come across the road and scream at him (and me, even threatening my kids at one point - over something she'd made up! Angry) He offered a lie-detector test, offered to swear in front of her Priest (she's catholic) - all sorts.
In the end I advised him to ignore, completely cut her out, no contact, no fueling her little fire. Nowadays, if we see her, his first thought is not 'how can i appease her' (you can never never appease) but 'SHE THREATENED MY PARTNERS CHILDREN OVER SOMETHING SHE MADE UP!' Angry

You will never appease, you will never justify, you will never explain - because it is IN HIS interests not to.

Stop bothering.

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