A year on and my ex still thinks I cheated

[Newbie100]

A year ago, my dds dad left me because he thought I had cheated. Long story short, all started on the train back from a family gathering he was out of control drunk and started accusing me...even spat In my face.
Anyways for some stupid reason I messaged him saying that I missed him.
And his reply was he can't forgive me until I admit what I've done and he knows for sure I have..
Just so upsetting that he truly believes I have and I don't know what I can do to make him believe I haven't.
Should I just forget him well and truly now and move on..

[Newbie100]

Xx

[Newbie100]

Thank you for your posts ThePigeon314 was an interesting read, bit of an eye opener.
In fact this whole thread has given me a different look completely.

[amarmai]

Best defence is attack? He is the one fucking around so he accuses you of doing it? What an abusive asshole. There is only 1 reasonable response. FOA?

[ThePigeon314]

From out of the fog

"Upset a toxic person, and they’ll be shooting infuriating drama-baits your way and just waiting for you to bite the hook. And they know just what to say to keep you tossing and turning at night, just trying to think of some way – any way – that you can stop them once and for all and make sure the truth about who you are prevails. But if you’re wise, you won’t bother.

Because the only way to win with a toxic person is not to play.

And until you accept that fact, you’re anybody’s sucker. All it will take is one bloated accusation, one lie, or one insinuation about you, and you’ll forever be the toxic person’s most treasured source of satisfying fun and games. If you don’t know how to leave the bait alone and find another, quieter, more indirect route back toward being left alone, you never will be.

Abusive people know that as long as they can set and keep their hooks in you, you are stuck being there for them to use and abuse – to feed on. When they want to, abusive people will say and do whatever it takes to keep you glued painfully to them and their world, because if you are stuck to them, they will always have you handy for whatever emotionally abusive purpose they want.

You may need to cut contact altogether if you are in an entrenched personal relationship, and if so, you may get hoovered and manipulated into staying connected. This is often easily done by deliberately upsetting you so much that the urge to call or contact them just to have your say will be intense, because the lies or other distortions being propagated are so hurtful. Don’t fall for it. Just ignore the whole thing, walk away and wipe your hands. There is no winning such battles. The greatest reward is freedom from the toxicity, which only comes with your non-involvement.

Of course, if there is a legal matter or similar to attend to, by all means, defend yourself appropriately. Non-communication isn’t the same thing as being a legal or occupational doormat. However, responding personally to the drama baits and the manipulations designed to tempt you into fighting back is a reward for toxic people, so wherever logistically possible, let the lies, accusations or other nastiness go completely unresponded to.

The sooner you do, the sooner it will start to become quiet, which, given certain toxic types, can take long enough without additional delays being thrown in. Don’t tell yourself you have to reply — learn to recognize your refusal to respond for what it really is — a sign that it will be over as quickly as possible because you knew how to ignore drama-baiting and send the toxic person looking for a better target.

So when you find yourself invited into an ugly tug-of-war with a toxic person, simply drop the rope immediately, walk away and LEAVE IT BE FOREVER. Because the simple fact of the matter is, toxic people can’t have a tug-of-war with you if there’s nobody holding on at the other end."

[ThePigeon314]

Yes, the classic drama bait.

A misinterpretation of your good character that is designed to keep you up half the night wondering how you can 'set the record straight'.

The only thing to do with a drama bait is to drop the rope and walk away because if you're not pulling the rope at your end, well, the person drama baiting you has nothing to pull on .

[mumoseven]

For me it was trying to prove I was innocent of cheating that kept me there. I felt I had to change his mind and I was hugely upset by it all. Omg the games. Now I realise that it didn't matter what I did, the rules would change and he would always be on top.
Finally it came down to thinking well if you really really think I'm a slag, then why are you with me?
You have to let it go. You have to, for your own sanity. It doesn't matter.

[Warrior314]

That's true mymakeup72. One of the most difficutl questions I answered in psychotherapy! Why did I let that man in, why did it feel familiar to be judged, why did I not walk away sooner.

I did used to read all the " you can do better" comments and I genuinely used to believe ''you don't know what you're talking about, you might be able to but things just do not work out that way for me"

[Mymakeup72]

One of the hardest things to come to terms with when a split happens is that you chose a wrong un in the first place. Of all the millions of men out there, you accepted this one. It can be a hard one to deal with.

However there are still millions of men out there if you want another relationship and I would hazard a guess that the vast majority would not spit in your face, a truly despicable bit of behaviour

You need to accept that it is over, accept that he is a bad egg and move on with your life.

[chipmonkey]

Of course you deserve better! Everyone deserves to be happy xx

[Newbie100]

Thank you.. For all the advice.
Keep reading it all back whenever I'm having a sad moment. I'm starting to believe that I really don't deserve to be treated that way. Want to start moving on and start a good life, been sad for too long now x

[chipmonkey]

My feeling with this guy is that either he is psychotic and is suffering from the delusion that you cheated or he is simply abusive and controlling.
He is abusive and controlling either way.
If he is delusional, then nothing you can say or do will make any difference. I have some experience with this with a family member. She was convinced her husband was cheating and that he had contracted HIV. When he brought her to the doctor to get the test results and the doctor confirmed that he didn't have HIV, she accused the doctor of conspiring with her dh and fabricating the results!
If he is simply abusive and controlling then you are better off staying away from him entirely. He spat in your face. Nice guys never do that.

[Hissy]

My love, you owe him nothing.

He's not worth you even hacking up and spitting at him in the face.

Please don't look back. He knows very well what he's doing.

[Kimononono]

Pick yourself up and move forward. If I can do it anyone can!!

[Newbie100]

I'm sorry, I have been listening to his board and have taken so much away and it's given me a whole new look on the situation I'm in.
I just had a stupid idea, and wanted to confirm that it was in fact a stupid idea, can't seem to believe in myself enough to go with my own gut nowadays.
I wonder never want my dd to be treated like this never ever... I tbjnk that point has hit home this evening.
Like Warrior314 said "it doesn't matter what he thinks anymore"
Just Gotta believe this now..
Thank you

[ptumbi]

OP - my DP has a cow nieghbour who made up stuff about him, to get her large family to ostracise him, get people on her side, be the big queenBee. He, being a decent, nice person, was horrified by the allegations, and spent god knows how long trying to convince her he hadn't done what she'd made up, she would come across the road and scream at him (and me, even threatening my kids at one point - over something she'd made up! ) He offered a lie-detector test, offered to swear in front of her Priest (she's catholic) - all sorts.
In the end I advised him to ignore, completely cut her out, no contact, no fueling her little fire. Nowadays, if we see her, his first thought is not 'how can i appease her' (you can never never appease) but 'SHE THREATENED MY PARTNERS CHILDREN OVER SOMETHING SHE MADE UP!'

You will never appease, you will never justify, you will never explain - because it is IN HIS interests not to.

Stop bothering.

[TheSilveryPussycat]

Lie detectors prove nothing anyway. Stop cluching at straws.

[AnyFucker]

Would it be silly, to consider a lie detector to prove my innocence.

Yes it would. Have you not taken anything on board from this thread ?

[Atenco]

Set yourself some objectives that will improve your life, such as making new friends, learning something new

[Warrior314]

ps,

Do not even think of doing a lie detector test. He'll just know that he still has his hooks in to you. If he sees the lengths you're willing to go to to prove your innocence, he'll know he still has you.

If you can say 'believe what you are determined to believe, I can't continue to care'' then he will realise that you are moving on.

Do not waste money on a lie detection test.

Because it doesn't matter what he thinks.

Repeat that a thousand times. ''it doesn't matter what he thinks'' and then repeat it another thousand times.

[Warrior314]

I agree that you need to feel angry.

In the end, forgiveness and moving on or for the best, but you need to recognise that he has put you up in the dock, metaphorically speaking. That takes the spotlight off him nicely. get angry. How dare he put you on trial?

you are not on trial

[Warrior314]

He spat in your face??

That's so disrespectful.

If he thinks badly of you let him. Let him get on with that shit on his own. You're under no obligation to earn his favour or his approval or his forgiveness.

[SandyY2K]

You didn't cheat on him.
You don't need to prove it to him.

Your DD needs to see a good role model who doesn't put up with a man who spits at her mum.

He's a sorry excuse of a man. Get out there and meet decent respectful men who wouldn't dream of doing this.

He's either mental with paranoia or he's projecting his own behaviour on you. None of the two are good.

Only discuss child related matters with him.

[P1nkP0ppy]

He's trying to justify his awful behaviour op, and he's an oaf.
He's also trying to control you and manipulate you so you keep hankering after him and an unrealistic idea of life with him.
He's an abusive bastard, you certainly deserve very much better op.

Get angry.

[Kimononono]

newbie eork on yourself esteem love.

This guy has treated you like shit, honestly he has. He spat in your face then punished you for something you didn't do for over a year. He is still punishing you by not looking at you and trying to make you feel shit. Why do you want this man?

If this guy loved you, if he genuinly thought you had cheated, he would want to know what happened, why it happened and maybe work on putting it back to getter. He has done none of these. He plucked a reason out of thin air because he wanted to leave you and he has clung on to that so people didn't think he was a cunt for leaving you and he is going that one step further by tormenting you with it.

He is no catch.
He is no decent man.

Rather than bloody lie detectors you really need to be looking why you are allowing yourself to be treated so badly.

For the sake of your dd, get yourself together and be a strong woman as she will look at you for an example on how strong independant women are supposed to be. How would you feel if this was her and her bloke did this to her? Get angry at this prick and cut him off.

[Newbie100]

I think your right for sure