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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Having his cake and eating it

67 replies

user1466803045 · 25/06/2016 12:03

Hello,

New to this so feel a bit nervous.

My situation.....have been with my partner ( not married ) for 23 years and have 2 children 8 and 4.

He tells me that he's not in love with me anymore and no one else is involved however I know that there is.

I am absolutely heartbroken, he has been my best friend for 23 years, we've shared everything together and I have always been 100% loyal and honest.

He says he cares for me but doesn't fancy me anymore, he says that he wants to remain living here for the children. He comes home from work does bedtime routine then just goes out to the other womens house, doesn't tell me that he is going out he just leaves and comes back very late or on a Friday goes 'out ' straight from work and doesn't come home until 4:00 am . while he is here there are no raised voices or arguments , He does ignore me though and is quite rude but I don't react. In fact for the last 23 years we've never really had a cross word .

He doesn't know that I know about the other woman, he is having his cake and eat it and it's frustrating me.
I'm aware of how i stand with the house , 50% each but I maybe awarded more with having the children with me. They are going to be heartbroken but I suppose I'm trying to get my head around it so I can be strong for them when the time comes to telling them.

Needing advice upon how to tell him that I know about the other women , to stop lying to me and how to get him to move out.
. Think I want him to move out, if he wants to be with her why doesn't he just go and live with her!!

He is an idiot for losing his family!!!

If you have got this far thanks for reading and any advice would be welcome

Thank you

OP posts:
WellErrr · 25/06/2016 16:05

Are you new here FraggleRock by any chance?

Can you point out the 'venom'?

Hmm
Canyouforgiveher · 25/06/2016 16:19

*If you can't get him out the door then play him at his own game.

Go out while he is doing the bath and bed routine. Don't tell him what time you plan to return - text "as it's your time with kids I'm off out".

Saturday morning after his 4am return get the kids up and dressed and take them into the bedroom "your turn" and leave.*

Do this. Be angry. Don't make his life easy. He is being horribly disrespectful and nasty to you to treat you like this. People fall out of love, shit happens, but he doesn't have to treat you like this. He could sit down with you, figure out a way forward (which yes might involve selling the house), but this is just rotten behaviour.

Oh and tell him - and all your friends and family - that you know about his affair.

Really you need to put feeling sad on the back burner and get your anger front and centre here. People take you at your own valuation in my experience. Make sure he knows that you value yourself way more than being treated like a housekeeper and babysitter while he has sex with someone else.

MatildaTheCat · 25/06/2016 16:26

What a twat. I'm so sorry. I agree about making his life as miserable as possible. No domestic duties at all. Walk out whenever you feel like it and stop speaking to him.

Then email him to say he has ended the relationship so must sort out living arrangements. Also tell everyone loudly and clearly what has happened. Including his family and friends. Not FB but a round robin email would do.

Jeez, what a cunt.

Kungfupandaworksout16 · 25/06/2016 16:38

Sounds like he's trying to get you angry so you react , he can run off and tell everyone how much of a mean bitch you are. Don't loose your cool remain on the moral high ground. Good luck

magoria · 25/06/2016 17:28

Can you get a solicitor to try and get you an occupation order?

So that you have the right to the house?

Original poster
user1466803045 · 25/06/2016 19:58

Thank you to everyone who has posted a reply.

Have read and re-read every post.

Today he has been a bit short with me in front of the children, which I hated. I did not want to react as my 8 year old was looking very worried.

I don't want my children being upset .

Going to get everything in place next week , calling citizens advice and a financial advisor . Going to sort out exactly what I'm going to say and be strong.

I hope the other woman doesn't want him full time either , he would be up the creak without a paddle

Myself and my children are most important xx

OP posts:
Original poster
user1466803045 · 25/06/2016 23:04

:-((

OP posts:
WellErrr · 25/06/2016 23:24

You can do it Flowers

Crazysaz1 · 25/06/2016 23:36

Aww be strong and value yourself! You'll not be the first single mum and you will manage fine! You will find your own strength and independence and realise it's great not to depend on anyone but yourself. He's a horrible man and you're better off without. Chin up Wink

Original poster
user1466803045 · 25/06/2016 23:54

Thank you WellErr and Crazysaz1

My children are going to need me so much as they are both very sensitive . Will put my feelings aside for them.

Still cannot believe he's destroying our family :-(

Your words mean a lot

OP posts:
Sammyhb · 26/06/2016 00:37

Wow we are in the same situation Sad

I haven't got the energy to keep being angry even though it's the emotion that gets the most stuff done. Both of us could do so much better, we will get there Flowers

Original poster
user1466803045 · 26/06/2016 09:01

Start of a new day, let's see what it brings

Sammyhb, yes, we will both get there , just going to be a bit tricky on the way.

Any helpful information that I receive I will be very happy to share with you.

9:00am , he has just gone out for a run, now depending what time he gets back I will now if it's just been the run or the run and a visit to see her as well! ( sometimes I think they may even meet on the run )

OP posts:
Sammyhb · 26/06/2016 09:07

My husband has taken up running again, and brushing his teeth in the morning, and using lots of antiperspirant... Hmm

AnyFucker · 26/06/2016 09:11

And what will you be doing while he goes and slips OW one ?

Getting a bit of washing done ? Catching up on housework ? Painting your nails and wishing your life away ?Simply waiting until he gets back so you can sniff his underwear ?

I despair

Original poster
user1466803045 · 26/06/2016 09:12

Funny you should mention teeth, I know that they both went to get there teeth whitened not so long ago, thing is, they don't look any different !! Ha ha

OP posts:
Original poster
user1466803045 · 26/06/2016 09:16

Hi Anyfucker, no, don't worry not doing any of those things, just spending time with my girls.

All his breakfast stuff that he's left out and his dishes that are scattered about will be as he left them, not touching any of his stuff! He won't be pleased , what a shame

OP posts:
MilkshakeMonkey · 26/06/2016 09:23

You sound like you are being really sensible and sorting out the practical stuff. Well done for keeping your head!

As for when you tell him, maybe try to have DCs on play date, seeing GPs, at school etc. You don't need to tell who they will be with, just you have an appointment.

Keep calm and don't rise to him. He will probably try to blame you or stress at work, because apparently it's never their fault!

Hopefully this time next week it will be out in the open and you will be making the first step towards your new future

Original poster
user1466803045 · 27/06/2016 22:35

Thank you milkshakeMonkey

More lies tonight, as soon as the children were in bed " just going out " he says. " going to see if ( mentions 2 friends ) are in the pub watching the match". On closing the door " don't lock me out" I thought not tonight but I do think that day will come !!

Not rising to his lies but when I 'm ready he's not going to know what's hit him. I've never told 1 lie to him over the last 23 years yet he seems to be able to do it so, do easily !!

OP posts:
Sammyhb · 28/06/2016 12:57

How are you feeling today chick?

HuskyLover1 · 28/06/2016 13:08

Does the OW know you exist?

SandyY2K · 28/06/2016 13:15

The best revenge is living a good life and being indifferent towards him. Start taking care of yourself. Don't be sad and teary, but look happy and be full of joy.

Pin him down to be with your DCs and get dressed up and go out, with make up and your hair done.

If you haven't got a friend to meet up with just treat yourself to a coffee or get a massage treatment to relax.

All you say is "see you later or be back at 10" and waltz off. It's very liberating.

adora1 · 28/06/2016 13:38

Unbelievable, he's actually rubbing it in your nose on a daily basis, you'd think after 23 years he would spare you some respect and consideration but no, he goes to OW has a shag and a laugh, spends family money on her then returns to you for what exactly - because it's convenient for him, that's all, utter bastard.

Make his life a misery OP, I mean it, and do fuck all for him, his nerve is astounding!

I hope you get sorted and get rid asap, just amazed another human can be so fucken nasty, remember that, he's does not have your back, AT ALL, stop having his.

Original poster
user1466803045 · 28/06/2016 18:18

Hi Sammyhb, I'm ok today. He's not due home until 7:00pm ish tonight.I will start to feel different then. It just bugs me him being here and knowing what he's doing.
Hope you've had an ok day

Husky lover , yes she does know that I exist. The other week he'd just finished looking at his phone and went upstairs, I had a peek and it was still unlocked. He'd been on 'hangouts' with her and I managed to read some of the messages and they were all about me!. Not been on his phone since as he keeps it under armed guard and I wouldn't know his password anyway, have tried 'usual' ones to no avail. His messages and emails are linked to one of our iPads and his Facebook / gmail account is set up in my phone however he has forgotten about all that!. They only communicate via 'hangouts' which I can't access and occasionally through gmail. Other women always 'likes' his runs and map my run. He doesn't know that I can see that.

Sandyy2k, Yes, I will be doing some of those things.

Adora, yes, you've described him to a tea

Please be kind.... We've got a holiday due in a few weeks, £6,000 pound it has cost us . He has paid 90% of it though. Kids are super excited about going. Think it's still going ahead however my income has been low this month or so he thinks! :-) so he is going to have to pay for all kids holiday clothes and shoes, sort the spending money, pay for parking at the airport and have money for the airport. He tells me after doing all that he won't have any money to get himself anything new..... R, boo, hoo. Where as Me , well , I've booked in to get my hair and nails done and have my pre holiday body treatments . Have also sorted a shopping day for new clothes. Thinking of it as a holiday on him and going to make myself look fabulous and feel good for me and come home with a great tan. Then it's new beginning xx

OP posts:
adora1 · 28/06/2016 18:27

You are going on holiday with him and playing happy families, talk about fucked up and yes he is STILL having his cake and eating it.

Is he George Clooney?

adora1 · 28/06/2016 18:28

Go on holiday with a friend OP, not him, I am sure he can have one with his OW, you know, remember her? Sure he spends money on her too not just your family, Jesus, I feel ill actually having just read your last post, how can you even contemplate going!

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