dh assaulted me got to face him in magistrates court

[johay]

Haven't seen my dh for 3 months after he assaulted me on my birthday in Feb. Magistrates court June 22 dread seeing him again. Assault not that serious and he'll probably get off with it because I already had bruises after falling down the stairs in Jan, (he had kept me up for 3 nights shouting and I had fainted holding a china cup, needed stitches in my hand.) Moved out of marital home as ds (11) didn't feel safe. Worry about kids, especially dd (4). Neither of them seem bothered about ringing him. They have had 2 cards from him since Feb. He hasn't given me any money and they have just stopped my benefits because I tried to take on more work (to go on to working tax credits) and the job didn't work out. It was a weekend job and I only really took it on so I wouldn't sit at home feeling sorry for myself. Am now though! Also just spent 3 days in hospital with my ds who has broken radius and something else after falling off bike (which I had to break into marital home to get!) Lastly, found used condoms in bathroom bin when I broke into marital home (know I shouldn't care but do) dh not even living there just using it so he can s**g at weekends. Life like bad soap opera - sorry.

Chocol8 (love your name). Thanks for the shower anecdote, that cheered me up no end tonight!
Police came round earlier because dd set off panic alarm and I didn't realise! They seem to think that h is out of the country! Wonder what will happen if he doesn't turn up at court? Solicitor was going to serve papers on him regarding divorce, maintenance and house at court. Haven't spoken to her yet. Thanks everyone. When I stand up in court I will know that all you mns are rooting for me! It has really helped me to be able to post all my problems on here and there's nothing you poor sods can do about it!

Babysteffee, hope you are ok today. Take care and keep in touch x

If he doesn't turn up at court so much the better. You don't have to see him and he can never bother you again because there'll be a warrant out for his arrest.

I'm sure it'll all go great at court, we'll all be thinking about you.

One positive about bindovers, when I was assaulted and he got a bindover (basically could not face him in court as there had been an pregnancy (he put hole in condom) an traumatic termination and aggraveated assualt and sexual assault. All this would have been brought up and I could not do it, so I accepted a bindover with the condition that it meant he could not come within a mile of me and if he was found in my village then he would be immediately found in breach and jailed, the terms were set by me and my lawyer, he was desperate to avoid prison. the bindover, if broken would result in him going to jail for definite.
I would say face court if you can, I really wish I had the strength, but a bindover will be on his record and what it was for, so it will count.
Be strong, you are being amazing.

I fell head over heels in love with a man who turned out to be an alcoholic bastard. When I finally plucked up the courage to tell him it was over he went beserk. He strangled me until I passed out and then brutally raped me. Two days later we met in a public place and he broke my nose and fractured my forehead in a head butt. When I still refused to take him back (!) he destroyed my homes and all my possessions, having stopped the insurance weeks before, without my knowledge.

He was arrested and denied the rape and attempted murder but admitted the strangulation, the GBH and the fires ( he was found in the ruins, admiring his handiwork).

The trial was two days of sheer hell. Having to face him and his family was awful. They made it sound that he was madly in love with me and could not cope when I finished with him so it was all my fault. Because there was so little for him to deny, his lawyers tried to make the case to attack me, rather than defend him. He was found guilty on all counts. He got 8 years but had already served over two so he will probably be in for another 3. He has declared himself bankrupt (he was my bank manager!!!) and so I will not get the money awarded to me by the court.

The trial was awful - but to anyone else having to go to court, especially for rape, however bad the trial is, it is like lancing an abscess. I said everything I wanted to say. Afterwards it really felt like, at last, it was all over. It was a big part of the healing process.

He had hit me twice before, and had hit his 2 ex wives and none of us had done anything. I am a highly articulate (even if I say so myself and go getter woman, but even I just took the flak. I felt so vulnerable and somehow to blame. Take action before it is too late. If they hurt you, they should not get away with it. Do something, while you can. A leopard does not change his spots. Don't believe the lies and platitudes. Take action to protect yourself and yours and others.

Good luck.

PS Johay - I also spent ages deciding what to wear. I ended up in a little navy suit (felt like a wren) which I ceremoniously burned afterwards, along with the little patent court shoes, grim bra and knickers and supermarket shirts The Bodum dress sounds just the ticket......It is all an act. You have to feel good on stage. Go for it!

Can I just say to all of you who feel guilty - thi sperson whos is abusing you and hurting you - mentally toturing you and changing you as a person intrinsically forever does not deserve your pity loyalty or respect let alone your love and protection from the law.

This man stood next to you in church, laid next to you in bed, touched the inner most places in you and then destroyed every good thing by raising his hand or voice - after everything that you went through with him - the morning sickness, the birth, the trials and tribulations of love and being parents for the first time he wiped every good moment away and tarred each memory with filth.

If a stranger in the street has more respect for you as not to do any of these things why do you even think about protecting/forgiving him - tell the truth - get these men punished because until they are out of your lives you will not be safe or be able to recover from the abuse and torture that they have put you through and please please please don;t feel guilty - it is a common emotions for 'victims' to feel and you have to stop being a victim - you have to be the conqueror the aggressor to an extent - show him that he cannot do this - that he will be punished because you are strong enough to go through with the punishment - to stand up in court and make sure that he gets punished appropriately for his crimes (violence of any type is a crime) - that you will come through this out of the other end and will live a happy and fulfilled life and revcover from the damage he has inflicted on you when he will never have the kind of peace and happiness you have because above all he does not deserve it - Non of these animals do!!

Sorry to sound so high and mighty but it really distresses me to think that you are ashamed or sorry for these men and the punishment they are going to have metered on them - they chose the punishment when they raised their hand to you - now don;t let them get away with this - stand there and confess everything that they did to you and know that in doing it you are sending out a message to other men that women will not stand up for this - because the new laws about the police punishing people who commit domestic violence will mean nothing without the supprt of the victims of this crime as men will think that they to an extent can keep getting away with .

Good luck in court - to be honest its like someone else going through it all and you almost feel like you are not there - and I am sure your dress will look beautiful.

XXX

Just want to say good luck, you deserve to be able to lay this to rest.

Anonmouse - I admire you so much for getting through everything you did.

Finding messages on here is really helping me get to Tuesday. Anonmouse, what you suffered sounds so horrific. Did it seems like a bad dream that wasn't really happening to you at the time? Even though friends tell you to get out over and over again. When I read my statement it was like reading about the life of somebody else. It shocked me when I read back the bare facts. There are some brave and strong people who have got through this and also some who haven't made it. I don't know the statistics but I know women are dying every week at the hands of violent men and I bet they didn't think it would ever happen to them.

I nearly died and to be honest, there were times when I thought I was going to, or hoped I would. You do get over it. I have rebuilt my life totally - I post under another name and sound very jolly and well set up - and you could never look at me or my children and know we went through hell. I found that when you go through something as traumatic as this, it takes a long time for people to start treating you as a person, rather than a victim. You need to decide that when it is over it is over. You have dealt with it, justice has (ho ho) been done, and it is over. Full stop. There are people who live "their story" for the rest of their lives and that is another tragedy, of their making.

After the rape I saw forensic doctors and then I had to get a normal sick certificate from a normal doctor. He was a friend of mines doctor and she had gleefully given him all the gory details. He said " You are 37. It will take you 5 years to get over this. I understand you have done post graduate work. Write another thesis (?!!) and give yourself time to heal. Do not try to lead a normal life too fast as it is not possible ......... . I thought f* me, my little one will be grown up and at school by the time I am "alive" again, no way!"

My lawyer, however, said that I had to see a psych for the files and for our case. He wangled me an appt with an amazing shrink with a 2 year waiting list - and that Psych honestly saved our lives. I went in there crying and with 12 stitches on my face, weeping and wailing and saying how bad I felt for my children (youngest still in nappies, oldest not in teens) and he said: "Pull yourself up. Walk tall and walk away from this. Give your children the example of their lives - that you can have the courage to face total despair and make a success of your life. That in spite of everything that has happened, you will not just give up, but that you can and will rebuild your life. Give your children that example". It was so hard, sometimes it felt impossible, but I did that. It did not happen overnight, but it slowly got better. I found somewhere to live, found a little job, met someone else and hit it off and we got married a couple of years down the line and he was with me for the trial and all the aftermath with the press and everything and was wonderful. I am no angel and no saint. But I did it for myself and for my children and to show the bastard that he had not won and would never win. Even at the trial he was saying he will always love me - like a threat - but it had stopped frightening me as he has no hold over me now.

Go for it - Johay. Do what you have to do for yourself and your children. You can and you know you can. Men like these make us doubt ourselves but they are the weak ones.

And yes, it felt like a terrible dream, a nightmare that I knew was going to happen and couldn't stop.

Johay - I have only just caught up with this, and I really feel for you. You may have made a mistake with sleeping with someone else, but nothing you do deserves the responses you get from your dh. He is a coward, and using emotional blackmail and physical violence is unaaceptable.

Do you really want someone like him to still be involved in your kids lives? Unfortunately there are certain situations when kids should not be allowed to have a relationship with a parent, and that definitely includes an abusive father!

They will know the fear of being in the house while this is happening, but will get over it, if you can remain strong and stay away from dh, showing them that a woman should never be treated like this.

I'm glad you and so many others on this thread have found the strength to come out of this - now you owe it to yourself and your children to be only around positive people and relationships!!

The best of luck on Tuesday. Don't even look at dh, then he cannot have any effect over you, be sure of yourself and know why you are doing this.

xxx

Anonmouse, I am glad that you have found a good man to love you and your children. I know they exist! I had another boyfriend before bh who also hit me once. Luckily I got out of that one, but what makes people like me go for that kind of bloke? I suppose I tend to go for wounded people rather than nice balanced happy ones! I think it will be a long time before I have another relationship. I've got to learn to be more self reliant first. He had control of everything. I was like a baby. I never want to have to rely upon a man again. How did you meet dh? Can't imagine trusting anyone again.

Hi johay, just wondering how you got on today?

Hope it all went well, maybe he didn't turn up?

ME too, how did it go?

Thanks for remembering. He got off with it. He managed to pay for a hotshot solicitor, even though he hasn't given me a penny for his children. He scraped up every bit of dirt on me that he could, including my mental health problems that have miraculously disappeared since we parted. I can honestly say that it was the worse day of my life and I've had a few bad ones. When I went in to court his parents were standing outside, then they showed me into a room were bh was sitting with his solicitor having a cosy chat and a cup of coffee! Ooops! Sorry about that! By the time I went into the courtroom I was a nervous wreck. Not that I let him see that. But he told a pack of lies to his solicitor who was allowed to give me a complete character assasination, yet I was told, before I went in, that I wasn't able to go into details about a good two thirds of my statement because "It might make the magistrates prejudiced against bh".

Feel like giving up because my life has been shit. Didn't even have a childhood because some bastard sexually abused me when I was 8. What have I done to deserve all this? Sorry, wallowing in self pity again. Have to be strong for children's sake. Don't want their lives to be shit like mine.

PS - forgot to say - Policeman remarked that his suit looked more expensive than the solicitors!

OMG Johay. Sending hugs to you and hoping that the b*stard gets his comeuppance some other way. xxx

Johay, I'm so sorry to hear that. Lots of hugs, I don't think I can say much more that other people have said but wanted you to know we all are with you, I don't know if something else can be done but I think that as you have said it "including my mental health problems that have miraculously disappeared since we parted" your life is much better than it was some months ago. [a very big hug]

Going to ring Women's Aid today as they do come out to see you afterwards. I know my life is better now but I just feel like I've been assaulted all over again. Feel really let down by police as the odds seemed to be stacked in his favour. Ie - The prosecution weren't allowed to ask me any leading questions and I had to leave out most of my statement yet he was allowed to say what he liked about me. Feel really upset, finding being a single parent hard and feel lonely. Also think of him gloating as he has won. Must have gone out last night to celebrate as ds tried to ring him after he received a card yesterday. His phone is always off.

It's not fair, Johay, but it is over. There are always only two people who know exactly what happened - you and him. Let him stew in his own conscience which will catch up with him eventually. I bet he never thought you would be brave enough to go through with it - but you did. It was the courts who misjudged here, it does not make him innocent - in your eyes or in his. Hold your head up high, you deserve to give yourself a pat on the back. Take a really deep breath and look forward to the rest of your life, sweetie. If you can go to court like this, you can do ANYTHING!!

Big hugs

Thanks Anonmouse, your wise words have really helped me. x

I couldn't get on line yesterday, but was thinking of you. You have been so brave and so strong through all this. You and we know that it is not you with the problem here, it is that sad tosser who is to blame. If you give in now, he will have won. You didn't show him that you were shaking and nervous in court and I bet that was a disappointment to him - but a great massive victory for you! As Anonmouse said - and she should know - if you can go to court you can do anything. You are invincible and I take my hat off to you for what you have achieved.

We are always here for you should you need a rant or a shoulder, make sure you remember that. xxx

I'm sorry Johay, our justice system stinks! I have great belief in the saying 'What goes around comes around' - He will get 'his' eventually.

Sounds like you have had so many shitty times, please look forward and know that you can come through this hopefully being a stronger person. Hope I don't sound too patronising.

(((((hugs)))))

Awww, I'm so sorry johay. I don't think he was out celebrating, after all, he's lost you and his kids, what has he gained? I'm so sorry you had a bad day, and thankfully it's all over now, and you can smile again knowing you've done the best you can for you and your kids.

Soon you'll be happy again, and will make some new friends, maybe even a new man...

You've had some bad things happen to you, but I'm sure your luck is about to change because you deserve a bit of happiness after all of this.