dh assaulted me got to face him in magistrates court

[johay]

Haven't seen my dh for 3 months after he assaulted me on my birthday in Feb. Magistrates court June 22 dread seeing him again. Assault not that serious and he'll probably get off with it because I already had bruises after falling down the stairs in Jan, (he had kept me up for 3 nights shouting and I had fainted holding a china cup, needed stitches in my hand.) Moved out of marital home as ds (11) didn't feel safe. Worry about kids, especially dd (4). Neither of them seem bothered about ringing him. They have had 2 cards from him since Feb. He hasn't given me any money and they have just stopped my benefits because I tried to take on more work (to go on to working tax credits) and the job didn't work out. It was a weekend job and I only really took it on so I wouldn't sit at home feeling sorry for myself. Am now though! Also just spent 3 days in hospital with my ds who has broken radius and something else after falling off bike (which I had to break into marital home to get!) Lastly, found used condoms in bathroom bin when I broke into marital home (know I shouldn't care but do) dh not even living there just using it so he can s**g at weekends. Life like bad soap opera - sorry.

I wish you well and we are here if you need us.

Message withdrawn

Kids seem ok at the moment. Ds 11 especially seems a lot better off away from him, but I do encourage them to send pictures, notes etc. Everything goes to his solicitor as we have no contact address. Did text him in the beginning as ds's cat kept going back to the marital home and children spoke to him on phone a couple of times. Then he told his solicitor that I was pestering him and trying to make him break his bail conditions so don't contact him directly now. He did ask to see the children at first and my solicitor suggested a contact centre, but since that letter he hasn't pressed for contact. The last time kids heard from him was Easter. He sent £5 in a card that said 'love from your dad' (underlined). I know that he is working in London and that he has completely deleted us from his thoughts because that is what he said he would do and he is definitely capable of switching off emotion. He took no photos of the children from the house. When I broke in it was obvious that he hadn't been there for ages. The solicitor is going to sort the money out and serve him with the papers when I go to court on June 22 (cross all your fingers for me!) Really dread that. House still in joint names although I checked he is still paying mortgage. Thanks this is really helping, bearing my soul on mumsnet

Message withdrawn

johay, I am pretty good at the rude names thing, if you need any help in that direction

Message withdrawn

am so ashamed of myself
Not that it stops me...

Thanks girls might need some acronym swear words

Awww, I hope all goes well at court.

My H is at court on 14th June too for assaulting me and I'm dreading it too. He moved away for a week and has moved back in now, though I'm trying to persuade him to move out for awhile.

My H says he's realised what has been happening and has changed and I think he has this time, but I know deep down I'm kidding myself and sooner or later I'll have to go down the road you're on. Whether he has changed or not I don't want to live with him anymore, even if we do stay together.

Sorry for rambling, just wanted to say how strong you seem, and how you will get through this and be happy at the end of it. Your kids will be happier too.

Good luck for 22nd.

babysteffee, don't really feel strong at all. Seem to crawl from one day to the next! Please let me know how you get on in court. I,ll be thinking about you on that day. Did he plead guilty then?

Babysteffee, if I were you I'd be very wary of believing your H when he says he has changed, especially in one week, if he hasn't followed a course of counselling. Saying they've changed and being extra nice (until the next assault) is typical of abusers.
Good luck to you both for your court appearances.

He denied it in the police station johay, but says he will plead guilty at court on Wednesday, because he doesn't want to put me through having to go to court.

Mammya, I am very wary that he says he's changed, but he told all his family what he'd done, which is unusual, and went to the doctors last Tuesdays to ask to be placed on a counselling programme for men who abuse their partners, and has taken medication, which is also a first.

Sadly, I don't think I even care any more whether he's changed or not, it's too late for that, and I'm trying (unsuccessfully) at the moment, to persuade him to move out for a while.

Ooops, I don't know where I got 14th from, he's at court on the 9th, which is Wednesday.

Good that he's pleaded guilty mine won't even though he did it! Don't really care if he gets charged or not really but do want to send a big message to him that I'm not putting up with his crap any longer! Find myself thinking what shall I wear to court? Got a blue linen dress from boden, quite plain and unfussy, what dya think girls? Don't want to look like business woman of the year, nor yet too mumsy! Ha! Typical of me to be thinking about clothes at a time like this! Feel quite positive today!

Babysteffee, let me know how things go on Wednesday, I'll be thinking of you. Good luck x

Good for you johay, he needs to know that he's done wrong. Much as I appreciate how much my dh is trying to change, and make up for what he's done by seeing a counsellor etc, I wouldn't retract my statement because he has to learn the hard way. He's never even asked me to though, and there's a chance he could go to prison as he has a previous record for assault.

If your exh wants to plead not guilty johay, he's his own worst enemy 'cause they're really stamping down on domestic violence at the moment, and it just proves that you've done the right thing.

Your dress sounds perfect johay... you seem really miserable though, I'm sure everything will be much clearer after the 22nd.

Also, I think I'd be upset if I found condoms in the bin too. You can't just make all those years together disappear, however unpleasant at times.

Babysteffee, don't know if you'll come back to this thread but thinking about you today. Let me know how you are.

hi johay, sorry for not posting sooner, and thanks for remembering. The court case got adjourned.

H had a lengthy chat with his solicitor though, and they're really stamping down hard on domestic violence now, they're sending someone out to see me, to see how I feel about him, whether I'm scared of him or whatever, and if I want to drop the charges.

In a nutshell, if I don't drop the charges he'll be going to prison because he's been charged with assault before. This charge is assault and ABH and he's looking at 5 years.

How are you coping today?

Message withdrawn

Message withdrawn

Hard testifying against someone who you used to love and have had two children with. Mine won't go to prison as it's only common assault, he may even get off with it. His solicitors asked if I'd accept a bind over, which is basically not even a slapped wrist because it does not signify any admission of guilt. Don't know how I'd feel if my evidence meant he could go to prison. That probably stopped me reporting the rape but I was also in such a state of shock at the time.I don't get anyone to represent me as I am just regarded as a witness to the prosecution. Wrong surely for the woman to feel like she is on trial. Really getting worried about it all now as it is a week on Tues. Want to feel strong but how will I cope with seeing him standing there?
Babysteffee, take care hope you're coping ok x

Johay, if he had any decency about him whatsoever he wouldn't put you through that. So don't feel guilty or upset that you have to testify against him.

It'll be obvious to everyone that you're telling the truth, and he's a rotten liar. The fact he's pleading not guilty will go against him, and even for common assault, he could get a short prison sentence.

I've got someone coming to see me to do a risk assessment, which is basically a way of dropping the charges.

Essbee, I totally agree that they need to pay for the hell they cause, but I think H has, so I think I am going to drop the charges, because H is trying really hard and has totally changed. He'll talk about stuff now that he wouldn't acknowledge before. He's a good parent, and can probably be a good husband if we can get this sorted, but one step at a time.

I think (or probably hope) that he cares about us all enough to change. If all else fails though, because I reported him and told all our friends and family, if it happened again, I'd do it again, and I don't think he'd want to go through all this again.

You'll be fine on 22nd johay, you've done the hardest bit by reporting him in the first place, he's the one who should be nervous and ashamed!!

Gosh, reading what a "man" can do to his wife/partner makes you realise that it is alot more common than everyone wants you to think.

I thought I was having problems, but not after reading this. My heart goes out to Johay and Babysteffee, you have both been incredibly brave and I am sure that once you get to court Johay, you will safe in the knowledge that you have done the right thing.

I have never had to do what you are doing (and the bodum dress sounds spot on by the way) but I like to try and face difficult times with this thought, however daunting it seems, break it down in to time. How long will you actually have to be near him? It may only be a matter of minutes (with a bit of luck). Now think how many of those minutes you have in a day - and how little of that time you will have to be in his company. I am not sure that came out the best, I hope you don't take that the wrong way, but I find it helps. I mean for friends who say that they don't like going for smear tests, I say, it's not the most pleasant thing in the world, but it takes about 2 minutes every so many years and it could save your life.

Look proud and not upset or he will know you are afraid of him and he has won. The bastard should suffer for what he has done to you and your children. He is a poor excuse for a male and with a bit of luck if he gets send down, he will have done to him what he did to you when he bends down in the shower.

Johay, you didn't "make" him assault or rape you. Your xh sounds like an x of mine who was so controlling that by the end I was completely isolated from my friends and family and had no self-confidence or self-respect. He was incredibly abusive emotionally, kept telling me I was fat and ugly and lucky to have him. The sad thing was that the cumulate effect of all this made me believe him. He was a really heavy drinker and used to blame it all on being drunk but it got worse and worse over the years and in the last stages of our relationship I did start to worry about my physical safety. In the end, I wa so starved of normal, loving affection that I ended up chucking myself at someone else who treated me like a person with things worth listening to. The thing is, I chose not to feel guilty about it. People crave love, support and affection. If you're being deprived of that from your partner, I think it is absolutely understandable and human to want it from someone else. Don't feel guilty for sleeping with someone else, feel angry with your x for pushing you into doing it and then behaving atrociously when he found out what the consequences of his actions were.

By the way, I eventually found the courage to leave my x and even feel quite sorry for him now. He'll never have a fulfilling relationship with someone special and that is its own punishment really. I, however, found a fantastic chap and am now so happily married with 2 kids. Things will work out for you. This bit is tough but soon you'll be free. The Boden dress sounds lovely, by the way.

Babysteffee, I'm afraid I'm worried about you. If you drop the charges and let him live with you, you may be giving him the idea that he really can do what he wants and get away with it. I don't know what he did to you, but it sounds serious. If he had really changed, then he would leave when you asked him to. By staying against your will, he is being pretty arrogant and controlling, don't you think? Beware - it's such a short time since he was violent. Also, remember, he has a very good motive to 'act' changed atm, as he clearly would like you not to give evidence against him in court. Please be cautious.