Dilemma over family holiday

[tigersinamess]

NC for this one. A bit of background - DH doesn't love my family when we're all together. I'm one of 3 sisters and when we and my mum get together there is a lot of talking over/at each other, you sort of need to otherwise you don't get a word in! Mum and sister's partners sort of feel the same I think but are a bit more tolerant than DH. We can be a bit relentless, that's all. I'm v close to my sisters, my mum a bit less so but we get on fine and she lives 5 hours away so I want her to see DDs as much as possible. My mum and sisters also drink quite a lot and then get louder and more irritating than usual. I don't drink that much, and DH hardly at all.

We were at a family wedding the other day (DH and Mum's partners were the only ones who came, not my sister's partners). They all got quite drunk and lairy, and it just kind of makes DH sad I think as he feels he has absolutely nothing in common with them. He feels like he has nothing to talk to them about, he can't be bothered to make himself heard as he (probably rightly) thinks they're not interested in what he has to say. He does have quite a bit in common with 2 of the 3 partners though.

Anyway, we all have a family holiday booked for August, villa in Europe for a week. We went a few times when DDs were small and DH was ok although he didn't exactly love it. About 4 years ago he came for half the week (was v busy with work, or at least that was the excuse). 2 years ago he stayed at home as he just didn't want to come (fine by me, I don't have to worry about him having a horrible time putting up with my family and I can palm DDs (the only kids) off on everyone else and actually relax). BUT he missed DDs terribly, was really sad at home on his own for a week and hated it. So this time he's said he wants to come. Family are happy he's coming, they like him and the partners hardly ever see him so would love him to be there. It's a big villa (8 adults 2 kids) and I told him he could just take as much time as he wanted by himself listening to music or whatever. My family won't think he's antisocial, they'll be totally fine with him doing whatever makes him happy.

But after this wedding he just feels rubbish about the thought of spending a week trying to make conversation, watching them get drunk and telling him how to live his life (my mum's speciality!), and almost can't bear the thought of going. He wouldn't tell me not to go but the thought of being without DDs for a week (I know, we need to let go some time but not yet!!) is worse.

He's genuinely torn, not asking me for advice but I know he's really struggling to make a decision. Come and have a mostly rubbish time, but spend time with DDs, or stay at home miserable by himself? He's not the type to enjoy hanging out on his own (I'd probably jump at it) so will just be sad left here.

Sorry I really went on there, would be really interested in any thoughts...

Olivia Yes - although the OP on that thread has finally reappeared with "new" information which rather changes the scenario....

Your poor DH. That sounds like a nightmare of a holiday. Tbh, you, your sisters and mother all sound rude and obnoxious if when you're all together you're all talking over each other and you're all a bit "relentless". Can you not all act like civilised people and take turns in talking and not all talk at once? Have a bit of manners, you're not all children who don't quite fully understand the concept of not talking over people.

You also mention that your mum and sisters drink quite a lot and they get even more annoying then. People drink more on holiday so you're subjecting your DH to drunken idiots who get more and more annoying as more drink is taken.

You make excuses for your mum bullying you all because she has low self esteem so needs to feel better than everybody. If she does have low self esteem, that's her issue that she needs to work on. It does not give her a free pass to abuse everyone else in order to make her feel better about herself. How would you feel if someone in school was bullying your DD and the teacher told her to just suck it up because he bully had low self esteem? You would be furious and wouldn't accept that. It's the same here.

Im a little envious of all the posters on here who appear to have the perfect family MN is such judgemental place at times (unless of course you post about judging people when you get ripped apart for judging!)

Families are complex and often very different from each other. My family often talk over each other - culturally this is viewed as passion and interest. They could judge my very quiet in-laws (without taking time to understand it, they can seem disinterested) but don't because difference is what makes the world go round. Or all we all supposed to stuck to what one person or culture class as manners?

I think it is up to him.

If he doesn't enjoy it, and reserves his leave for your own family holidays, just let him make an adult choice about whether he wants to come on this holiday. It does sound great for your DD, so go, but don't pressurise him to come if he doesn't want to.

Could he come for a week?

So you are lucky enough to have time and funds for several family holidays each year, at present. In that case your H might prefer to attend the holiday, or save up his annual leave to do stuff with the DC at times.

He's being unreasonable in the circumstances to not want to go AND also not want you and the DC to go for fear of being parted from them! I might say different if this was the only time you had off work together, for example.

If your term time only job is ending and DC reach school age you might need to prioritise between holidays. DH and I have 2 weeks a year off together and a few says foe Christmas, and split the rest to help cover the school holidays.

Why don't you get a break when just on holiday with DH? We do stuff together and also take it in turns to supervise DC, read a book, have a lie in, go and do something alone or whatever.

at the excuses about your Mum behaving badly. She moved away? Well the result is that she may see less of her grandchildren - normal.

Watching people (especially when it is family) get drunk and loud is not my idea of a holiday, and most definitely not an environment I would be prioritising for my children. I am with your DH on this one.

Could DH perhaps bring the DCs to the villa for two or three days, and stay home with them for the rest of the week, which would also give you the chance to have some adult time with your family? That way he wouldn't miss out on being with the dcs but he wouldn't have to tolerate your family for an entire week?

I'm the same with my sisters and mum! You don't tend to notice when you do it all the time. We're always talking over each other and it's not big deal but drives us spare when people tell us not to do it to each other..!

No advice sadly. I suppose just going out a few times without family, maybe even without the kids?

I work term time, I want my daughters to see my family, I want some relaxing time, I like spending time with them.....

Yes, god forbid a woman should ever put herself first.

So he doesn't want to go, and he doesn't want to stay. It's a week, for christ's sake, not a month. He needs to find a way to sort out his own happiness instead of expecting his wife and daughters to provide it for him. There are plenty of ideas here for managing your time there, hopefully some will be to his satisfaction.

What he actually wants you to do is NEVER arrange a holiday with your family again, but he's not going to come out and say that.

When I first responded I thought it was your only big holiday every year. If you have numerous lovely family holidays each year, then yes, I would snap this week up for yourself. Especially as you work term time only. It's pretty grim to sit there on your own with the kids for 6 weeks. I think the holiday should be about you going with your mum then there is none of this angst from him, and he knows to look forward to the peace for a week without the kids. All this dilemma is making it miserable for everyone. And I always forget that there is Skype!

Surely if you're away for a week you could do 2 nights / meals out just you and your husband and daughters? And maybe an afternoon trip with as a four before heading back to the villa for dinner with the group? That's not too much to ask away from your extended family on the trip is it?
You'll still spend plenty of time as a group but if it's staggered then it's not such an onslaught for your husband?