Dilemma over family holiday

[tigersinamess]

NC for this one. A bit of background - DH doesn't love my family when we're all together. I'm one of 3 sisters and when we and my mum get together there is a lot of talking over/at each other, you sort of need to otherwise you don't get a word in! Mum and sister's partners sort of feel the same I think but are a bit more tolerant than DH. We can be a bit relentless, that's all. I'm v close to my sisters, my mum a bit less so but we get on fine and she lives 5 hours away so I want her to see DDs as much as possible. My mum and sisters also drink quite a lot and then get louder and more irritating than usual. I don't drink that much, and DH hardly at all.

We were at a family wedding the other day (DH and Mum's partners were the only ones who came, not my sister's partners). They all got quite drunk and lairy, and it just kind of makes DH sad I think as he feels he has absolutely nothing in common with them. He feels like he has nothing to talk to them about, he can't be bothered to make himself heard as he (probably rightly) thinks they're not interested in what he has to say. He does have quite a bit in common with 2 of the 3 partners though.

Anyway, we all have a family holiday booked for August, villa in Europe for a week. We went a few times when DDs were small and DH was ok although he didn't exactly love it. About 4 years ago he came for half the week (was v busy with work, or at least that was the excuse). 2 years ago he stayed at home as he just didn't want to come (fine by me, I don't have to worry about him having a horrible time putting up with my family and I can palm DDs (the only kids) off on everyone else and actually relax). BUT he missed DDs terribly, was really sad at home on his own for a week and hated it. So this time he's said he wants to come. Family are happy he's coming, they like him and the partners hardly ever see him so would love him to be there. It's a big villa (8 adults 2 kids) and I told him he could just take as much time as he wanted by himself listening to music or whatever. My family won't think he's antisocial, they'll be totally fine with him doing whatever makes him happy.

But after this wedding he just feels rubbish about the thought of spending a week trying to make conversation, watching them get drunk and telling him how to live his life (my mum's speciality!), and almost can't bear the thought of going. He wouldn't tell me not to go but the thought of being without DDs for a week (I know, we need to let go some time but not yet!!) is worse.

He's genuinely torn, not asking me for advice but I know he's really struggling to make a decision. Come and have a mostly rubbish time, but spend time with DDs, or stay at home miserable by himself? He's not the type to enjoy hanging out on his own (I'd probably jump at it) so will just be sad left here.

Sorry I really went on there, would be really interested in any thoughts...

It's probably never occurred to any of the men they could go out, given that the get together isn't really about them. Why don't you suggest it? Is your dad on the scene?

I think you need to reward your very tolerant husband by sticking up for him more where your mother is concerned. Tell her to cut out the 'advice' and stop boring on with the long drunken speeches. That's the kind of thing a son in law can't do, but you could.

I'm with your DH.

But I'm not sure you are.

So in essence, the husbands are there to act as childcare while you and your sisters and mother get pissed and talk shit, including berating your husband for his imagined failings? And you're now puzzled as to why he's not that keen on the idea? Why don't you just go off and get pissed with your family on your own?

I feel sorry for your husband. He should be able to relax and enjoy his break from work with his own wife and kids in peace. The fact that your mother pays does seem rather controlling, does she pick the villa? Probably too late to change now but could you not try to arrange separate accommodation this year and go away on your own for your main holiday next time? Take your kids away for a weekend on your own with your mum and sisters. Put your husband and children first.

Gosh OP, read what you've written. It's all me, me, me. I work term time, I want my daughters to see my family, I want some relaxing time, I like spending time with them.....

Your poor husband doesn't get a look in, no wonder he's pissed off. I would rather pull my own fingernails out than go on holiday with my inlaws and he probably feels the same way.

You really are being incredibly selfish.

I think you're getting an unreasonably hard time here. The kids are going to have a brilliant time with their Nan, aunties and uncles, having a big fuss made of them as well as being on holiday. You're going to have a lovely time catching up with your family and seeing the kids having a ball. DH has another holiday, and is an adult, so is quite capable of sucking up one of two options that aren't what he would choose. Either he comes and gets on with it for a week (and if he's an introvert in a house full of extroverts, acknowledgment that it's ok for him to read his book in his bedroom is worth a lot), or he stays home, misses the kids a bit, but it's only a week, it's not going to kill him. It's up to him. It would be unreasonable for him to tell you not to go because he doesn't want to; he's outvoted by you and the kids, but he doesn't have to go.

Hippy The OP clearly said he wouldn't suggest that she and the kids didn't go, so why even mention that he'd be unreasonable if he did? And "outvoted" by a wife and kids? Sorry, but in sensible marriages, the adults make decisions and the kids go along with it - they don't "get a vote". And why the hell should he have to put up with a week of being told by his permanently pissed MIL how to live his life?

OP, i don't think there's anything wrong with you going away for a week with the kids. I don't think you have to distance yourself from your family because your DH doesn't like them. You've given him plenty of options. He's an adult. If he "felt sad" every time you met up with a friend without him, would you be required to give them up too?

However in the interests of fairness, the standard response on mumsnet is that in laws are evil and primary family must be elevated above all. So people are only being fair by insisting you cut contact with in laws and block your children's contact with them for not very good reasons. They would give that advice if your DH was a DW so I'm actually impressed that they are giving it now.

In among all the harsh comments here are some sensible ideas of carving out time during the holiday for you and DH - with or without DDs. Sounds like a good compromise, paeticukarly as you have made clear this is not your only holiday.

I think I need to make a few things clear:

We go away A LOT as a family. This is by no means our only opportunity to go away together.

My family are not a load of drunks. When they're at a family wedding they may get drunk (you know, like almost everyone else there). When they're on holiday they'll have some beer/wine in the evenings (ditto).

When my mum starts telling everyone how to live their life, ALL her daughters (me included) tell her to stop it (and she does).

She kindly offers to pay for a villa (which we choose together, and generally go somewhere we fancy rather than what she wants) as she is retired, has enough cash, loves a sunny holiday and likes spending time with her family. She goes on additional holidays with one or both off my sisters (my younger sister gets a lot more time off than her husband so her an mum probably go away once a year, mum pays as she can afford it, Sister gets a holiday everybody wins.

My Dad is dead, mum has a new (lovely) husband.

We wouldn't have to go at all, and in some previous years we have decided not to. For me it's a lovely opportunity to hang out with my mum/sisters and their partners, and see my DDs spend quality time with their relatives. (2 years ago we were all by the pool, DD1 went "shall we play hide and seek?" Older sisters (then relatively new) partner went "erm, ok?" and we spent a happy hour playing H&S in a big french villa. Was lovely. Family holidays with the 4 of us (most of the holidays we do) are also lovely, but since DH and I are the only adults I am always (obviously and happily) looking after my children. On these holidays there are at least 7 adults to play with DDs, so that affords me a bit of time to switch off.

I do stand up for my husband. ALL THE TIME. My mum is not some vile controlling matriarch, she's a woman with low self confidence who loves her family, moved away to be with her new husband (oh lord don't read too much into that though, would all be the same if my dad was there) so is happy to pay for a holiday with her family. She has low self confidence which she deals with by trying to convince everyone she's better then them, a tactic we all (including my husband) see right through.

I have anxiety just reading this. Your poor dh. My in laws are the same and have mentioned villas in the past. The thought terrifies me. All the drinking and comments; the unpredictability. Shudder. I would hate to spend a week away from kids, but would hate a week away with the bullies too; it's a rock and a hard place. Seeing as you do have lots of family holidays I think in future you should only go on this holiday for 3 nights, just you and dc. Then everyone is a winner.

Thanks HippyPottyMouth, that's how I feel?

OP your DH needs to get a grip.

He will be sad if he goes on the holiday but would also be sad if he didn't .

He's acting like a bloody baby.

Basically, you should go with your family and have a nice time. And he should behave like an adult and crack on for a week. Seriously it's a week!

Op, I'm at some of the responses here but maybe I read a different thread...

It's entirely normal for a lot of families to want to spend time together on holiday and generous of your mum to offer the opportunity. And for them to want to spend time with the grandkids, nieces and nephews is just lovely.

Your husband initially volunteered to come on the holiday. I think the wobble after the wedding is reasonable but the situation is a little different - trapped together in a venue at a table with free flowing alcohol. With no escape! Can your DH see the difference?

Make some plans for the holiday - look into some sightseeing things that you as a nuclear family will enjoy, and make it clear to your mum and sisters that it's important for you guys to have that alone time.

The suggestions to rotate evenings are also great. Dinner alone a few nights while the kids are at the villa is a lovely prospect for you both. So make a plan and help him focus on the positives.

I can't believe you've booked a holiday that your DH will hate. That's so inconsiderate of you. Don't you care about your DH enjoying himself?

You can alternate days out so you only spend every other day with your mum and sisters. They will still see your dd 3 or 4 full days - that is pretty good. If they want to see more of her, they can babysit so you and Dh can have an afternoon or evening out.

Xmas of course I care about him! But (as I've said a lot of times before) we go on loads of holidays just the four of us, but for me and DDs (and DH knows it's important too) spending time with my family is just as important. When we booked it he said he wanted to come, Ineedmorelemon is exactly right I think he's just had a wobble after the wedding for the reasons she's said.

Have you asked dh if he were to still come what would make him feel less overwhelmed and enjoy the holiday more?

I can sympathise, I now refuse to go to anything that's dh alcoholic belligerent father is at though I also realise it can be seen as withdrawing support for my dh. Thankfully these occasions don't arise very often!

Why can't he just come for a few days and go back home? I mean, is his plan that your kids will never see your family because he doesn't like your family but also doesn't want the be anywhere without him?

Can't you book th holiday over a time where he can't go or has other stuff to do?

Wait, just saw this was in relationships - should have posted in AIBU. you'd gotten more support, ironically.

I can see why he shouldn't enjoy it that much but I can't understand why he's going at all.
He knows the deal; come and tolerate it with some time out or don't come at all.

"She has low self confidence which she deals with by trying to convince everyone she's better then them, a tactic we all (including my husband) see right through".

So she really bullies you all, that is not the way to deal with a supposed lack of self confidence. Your DH cannot stand her and you still seem totally unable to stand up for him as well as your own self. You may feel that you stand up to him but you tolerate this from them and enable it.

What is your response when she starts on him, telling him how to live his life?. She certainly would not like it if you started in the same vein so why it is seemingly acceptable for her to speak to him like that?.

When they're at a family wedding they may get drunk (you know, like almost everyone else there). When they're on holiday they'll have some beer/wine in the evenings (ditto).

It is not the case that practically everyone else gets drunk at weddings. Not all people choose either to drink in the evenings either.

And the drink brings out the worst in them; in vino veritas and all that.

There is an awful lot of time spent in your family around drinking and there is a drinking culture here, what else do they do?. What else, other than being related to them, do you actually have in common with them?

Well I think it is really weird that your DH doesn't relish the idea of a week at home on his own.

He's got a choice - come along and make the best of it (lots of helpful ideas as to how he can do that already provided) or have a week at work / home (yes he will miss you all but a week will go by in a flash and presumably he wouldn't want to deprive you all of a fun holiday just because it doesn't suit him. I can understand why he feels as he does but it isn't fair to make it your problem. He just needs to make his mind up which option he prefers.

In not sure the responses would be any different in AIBU A11, there is a similar thread about a holiday with the extended family to Disney and people are generally with the ops DH.