Is my marriage over? I don't know how to come back from this

[DoopDoopBiscuit]

Yesterday afternoon I received a message from a man I didn't know saying my husband was having an affair with his wife and I needed to talk to my husband about it. I asked him who his wife was and does he have evidence. He told me her name and said he did have evidence, but that my husband owed it to me to tell me himself.

I confronted my husband and of course he denied it. I told him this man was about to send me proof so to own up now. He ended up admitting they'd been sending inappropriate/flirty messages to each other the night before, but said that he hadn't been having an affair it was "just" the messages (which of course have been deleted).

To cut a long story short, it turns out the ow husband doesn't have evidence of an affair after all. It seems he sent me a message stating it was an affair in the hope that I'd find out all the details as he wasn't sure if he could believe his wife that it was "only" the messages which he had found. I don't blame him at all and thanked him for telling me.

Years ago I found out DH was messaging this same woman when he acted suspiciously and I ended up looking in his messages. He'd deleted the messages but 1 or 2 "normal" messages remained and it was obvious messages had been deleted in between. For a few hours he swore blind that they must've deleted themselves and he had nothing to hide, until it became obvious I wasn't as thick as shit and he admitted it. But again, as the messages had been deleted I only had his version of what had been said. We had a huge falling out but patched things up.

There has also been one other occasion where he was messaging his ex girlfriend inappropriately when we were first together. I found out because he was showing me something on his computer and the message popped up at the bottom. I didn't even notice but he jumped a mile and acted very strangely so I knew something was going on. He admitted to also meeting with her but said nothing happened. I'm not sure I believe this.

However I am fairly certain he hasn't been having an affair with this latest woman. I don't know when he'd have the opportunity. I think it's purely inappropriate messages. But even if it is, what am I supposed to do now?! I have only ever known what he has chosen to tell me of these situations. I have no trust left. We have had huge arguments about the previous 2 situations and now I find myself here again. I feel like I'm being taken for a fool. I'm a strong person. I don't take any crap from people, and yet this is the third time this has happened. Is it worth ending my marriage over?

I hate what he has done. We have a small child who adores him. A mortgage. 2 sets of flights booked to visit family before this year is over. I'm a sahm. I feel trapped. I don't want to leave my home and uproot my DC. Why should I?! I like my life as it is and I don't want it to change. But how can I live with someone who I have no trust for? What a miserable existence.

I feel like DH has something wrong with him. He is a quiet and reserved man. Always wants to make everyone happy. (Except me I've pointed out). But he doesn't seem to fully understand other people's emotions. He can't seem to step outside of himself and out himself in someone else's shoes. Eg how would he feel if it were the other way around. I don't think he has any idea as he's incapable of feeling someone else's emotions. Does thus make sense?? Is there any disorder this may relate to?

Sorry this is so long. I don't really know what to do next. I don't want to talk to him but I guess I can't keep ignoring him. I've heard it all before and it just feels like he's reading from a script, not talking from his heart. It's as if he's always playing a character. Like he's too afraid to be real

If there is no actual abuse, physical or emotional, you could look into some kind of relationship councelling. Splitting up is not always straightforward and sometimes not the solution. What you do need to do though, is get help just for you, find things outside the house to become involved with, find ways to make new friends. Being a SAHM can be bitterly lonely. It can be really difficult when the only thing you have in common with other parents is a child the same age. You may benefit from some therapeutic help to understand better why you put up with really pretty crap behaviour. This is important because we often go on to have the same relationship with someone else.

DM was a single parent to 4 - we were relived when she left him - our lives were much happier - and these were the days if no financial support.

If this is the 3rd time it doesn't seem like he will change.

So, you've got a choice.
Split.
Pretend you don't know what he's up to and ignore it if it happens again.
Or try an open marriage?

Don't concern yourself with his inner turmoil right now, that's for him to sort out.

Also, I recommend ice cream, it sounds like an awful weekend. :(

OP, this is ringing bells with me and I think you're getting an unnecessarily hard time.

My exP was/is like this. A "lovely" and popular person but it's all a front and he has very low self-esteem and cannot just "be himself" because that "self" hardly even exists - he doesn't know who he is or what he really wants. He also cheated on me, though that was ages ago and we tried again, but ultimately I couldn't stand all the fakeness, lies, "character-playing" and the fact that I came last, after everyone he was trying to impress. He also has no empathy, but thinks he has. He just doesn't think of others' feelings, he only cares that they think well of him.

No, you shouldn't waste all your energy trying to psychoanalyse someone - but I do understand you wanting to make sense of it, I've spent years trying to do that. Ultimately I concluded my exP was essentially terrified of a genuine relationship where he'd have to drop all the bullshit, and I was constantly pressurising him to do that. An affair / flirting with other women is just one of many ways to bolster himself and build up his "fake" persona and push away the person who's trying to have a relationship with the real him.

I've been in a muddle for years, because I knew he was making me really unhappy in lots of ways, but he was so "nice" and we got on well and he said he loved me, so I just couldn't see why he would do the bullshitting and passive aggressive crap he did. But finally, I've ended it. It doesn't matter any more why he does it, because I just know I've had enough.

But if you're not at that point, I just want to say I don't blame you and I've been in a similar place.

However looking at your H's behaviour, I'd say it's likely he's been having a full-blown affair and he's just trying to make out it was less serious. Even if he hasn't been, the behaviour is pretty appalling. You could ask him to leave for a while while you consider your options?

*Doop^

I just feel like I can't cope with the practicalities of leaving. There's too much to do and think about.

Lots of things happen in life which make us feel overwhelmed like this. What you do is break everything down into small parcels which are all manageable in themselves.

Again. If that is what you want, there is an absolute wealth of experience and support on these boards.

Keep posting,you too Windy

Start from what you want the end result to be and posters will help you to achieve it.

We only have one life and we all deserve to be happy and at peace with ourselves as a very minimum

Thank you lady it's such a relief to read that someone knows what I am trying to say, and wording it a lot better than I am! I'm sorry you've been through the same. I think I will ask him to leave as you say, to give myself some head space.

easy you speak an awful lot of sense

OP, nobody is giving you a hard time

We are on your side

I just feel like I can't cope with the practicalities of leaving. There's too much to do and think about.

It feels like that, but splitting up when you have a house, a family etc. is a long-drawn-out process and you have time to think and plan. I'm in the middle of it all now. Yes, it's hard, but I'm doing this to try to get a happier future and once you've made the decision and the ball is rolling, it gets easier and you get used to the idea. The fact that you're raising the possibility is step 1. You know you can't have a relationship where there's no trust, honesty, genuineness or empathy. If he won't change, something else has to.

I realised I didn't want to wake up one day and realise I was 80 or whatever and still dealing with the same old crap.

AF, she did get a hard time with sarcastic replies and some people not getting that she wasn't using his obvious problems as an excuse for the infidelity - just trying to explain what he's like.

If you are not in an abusive relationship then you don't need to leave immediately - if I was a sahm then I would take a couple of years doing a qualification that would lead to a career and then leave once I had a ft job and some finances in place, you would have a couple years more equity in the house to split and could take that time to put away some savings to see you through.- play the long game imo

MN (in general) is intolerant of man pleasing excuses for their bad behaviour

And that's exactly why I like it

It sounds a lot like your last straw has been broken. I also much prefer your post at 21:52. What's getting in the way of clarity is all the practical shit and how-to stuff. There's plenty of help for that here and in RL. If you've well and truly reached end of tether point - time to snap that tether. Get free. You don't have to justify ending this to him or anyone. A simple "enough, for goddess' sake!" might summarise it all best anyway.

I like your spirit, OP and think you are on the edge of Decision. Once made you can take your time to enact it. Feel free first and then bit by bit, the rest will happen.

Thanks lady

That's interesting maddening. DH may be coming into a fair bit of money very soon through work and I was thinking it may pay off to wait before doing anything too definite. Is that awful though?

I couldn't pretend everything was fine in the mean time though

Me too AF, but it wasn't an excuse. She was trying to explain why he was such a frustrating character and why it was so hard to relate to him and understand him. Or that's how I read it. then she got jumped on for trying to excuse his infidelity - she wasn't, and went on to clarify that.

No - it's very sensible Doop!

I love being a single mother. Honestly. The only downside, if I am honest, is having to find another adult to help me shift heavy furniture, but my sons are getting older so hopefully I won't have to do that myself soon. We have a great life in our little family, and for the record, I have sex far more often than I did when I was married ;-)

It's so frustrating being so very very annoyed with someone who doesn't seem to be able to take your point on board fully. It's very hard to explain. That's what I was trying to get across. It doesn't link to what he's done, more how he's acted afterwards.

Yes I agree it may be worth waiting until the extra money adds to your joint assets. One thing you could do is marriage counselling - without him if he won't go - where you can talk about how you feel and what the problems are. Then if it's leading to a split, that will help to lay the groundwork and help you get your head round it while you plan.

If you find the thought of leaving him hard - imagine the very real threat of contracting a blood borne virus from him and the consequences this could have for your child.

Have psychological difficulties is no excuse for selfish behaviour - and that's speaking as a mental health nurse.

It is myth that most blood born viruses are spread by gay males - there is a massive problem in the heterosexual monogamous females whose DPs are unfaithful and then pass a disease on.

You need to consider whether you can cope with your partner having so little respect for you that he will endanger your health.

Doop If you need to retreat and play the game, and bide your time, do so. It's for your child, as well as yourself, if you need to justify it. Pretend if you must, gather your strength and your damaging information, but don't do this for too long. It may all be a bunch of crap, as your DH seems to be very good at.

and a hand.

I don't think he has any idea as he's incapable of feeling someone else's emotions. Does thus make sense??

Yes it makes perfect sense, probably because I had one of those too. Whether he has a disorder I couldn't say, but what I do know is that this isn't liveable with if you want to keep your sanity

What I'd recommend is making him leave to give yourself some thinking space (I wish I'd known about MN and that particular advice when it happened to me) and getting proper legal advice. Perhaps surprisingly this will make you feel better rather than worse, since information is power and you'll come to realize you have options

I'd add that you've only been told the bare minimum and there have almost certainly been full blown affairs - but then I'm sure that, deep down, you already know that

I'm a single parent because my STBxh had an affair and I kicked him out 6 weeks after finding out. It was hard work. The first year was extremely hard. But now 3 years laterthe kids and I are really fine. We have all moved on and if I'm really honest with myself I would say I am happier now than I was during the last year of my marriage when my STBxh started to compartmentalise his life and change his boundaries.

OP ask him to leave for 2 weeks. Go onto Google and find out how much you would be entitled to in tax credits. He has to pay 20%(?) for child maintenance. Can you extend the mortgage over more years or downsize. It is doable - many of us on here have done it.

I do accept there may have been full blown affairs. I'm struggling to imagine when this could've happened though, unless it was during work time. He has a very short commute so isn't out of the house for long either side of working. I wish there was a way of knowing the complete truth. That's definitely the hardest part for me

Yes it's entirely possible to stay in your home.

As soon as you ask him to leave ring up for your tax credits and make an appt with a solicitor.

OP your situation happened to me - Mumsnet was a wealth of information and support in terms of getting all my ducks in a row .