How honest should I be with my husband (about MiL and other stuff)?

[BettyJudy]

So we're currently in the middle of a rare prolonged argument/discussion about us not communicating properly or feeling like a team.

How honest should I be about my feelings towards his mum? (Who he thinks can do no wrong). She is fantastic with our DD and has her for scheduled times twice at least and other times too.

My current beefs; she all of a sudden has voiced her disapproval in dd starting pre-school for 3 x mornings a week (will start in october). I'm a stay at home mum and she thinks i should be with her fully until at least 3. Dh who was previously cool about pre-school has now said we need to give it some more thought and is worried about her being too young.

She always speaks down about her other daughter in law to me and dh. It makes me very uncomfortable and makes me feel as though she's talking behind my back too. I get the feeling she was secretly pleased that one of said sister in laws kids always prefered being at grannys house, and used to cry when he had to go home. There is never any praise about how good we are as mums - just a lot of chat about how amazing a grandma she is. She used to be a nursery school teacher. She's very good with kids, but I feel like she takes over a bit, especially on family holidays.

Honest thought please. I think i am probably being a bit irrational but this woman GETS ON MY BLOODY NERVES!! Should I tell husband or stay quiet?

I wouldn't be that honest about MIL to DH. I'd simply make it clear that you've both decided on nursery DDs development.

End of.

On the SIL. Just ignore.

I had that and used to try defending SIL, then I gave up and just acted deaf.

I was the favourite DIL but I didn't like the talking behind SILS back. Very uncomfortable indeed.

I was the favourite DIL but I didn't like the talking behind SILS back.
I wonder if the other DIL thought the same.

I am easily old enough to be a mil and I'm usually on the side of mils on the mil-bashing threads, but this woman sounds absolutely ghastly! First things first, I think you need to put your foot down about having at least one family holiday with them every year! It really is NOT that common for families to live so much in each other's pockets.

As for bitching about her other dil, I couldn't tolerate listening to that. If she says something nasty about your sil, come right back with the exact opposite. Defend her to the hilt. Say things like "does dil know you feel like this?"

And, yes, going to pre-school for 3 morning sessions a week sounds great! A lovely break for you and a gentle introduction to being away from you for your dd and the perfect way to ease her into the idea of going to school nursery. It is nothing like suddenly going to full time day care.

God, I really don't like her either!

Haha, thanks bibbity!

Just to pick up on the SIL criticism from MIL:
Yes, you most certainly do need to challenge or otherwise make it clear that you don't agree.
My MIL did this and, for years, I ignored it, changed the subject, diverted her but never actually disagreed with her opinion.
I found out that she was then going back to people and passing on her own criticisms as "Tanith thinks... Tanith says..."
It's an incredibly manipulative and cowardly PA way of getting in her digs while deflecting any disagreement away from herself.

And yes, I can almost guarantee she's running you down to SIL, too.

I'm a SAHM and my daughter started nursery in the September (she was 2 in October). I had the usual misgivings, worrying that she was too young etc, but she absolutely loved it.

Tbh, I can't really see the problem.

You're happy for her to have your daughter at "scheduled times"?

She's started to voice disapproval of pre school-so what?

It's not her concern.

Your problem is your husband, who now has doubts because of her disapproval.

She bitches about another SIL-close her down.

Don't holiday with her unless you want to.

It seems to me that it's all within your control!

Ah! Her problem isn't with pre-school... it is because you will be reducing her time with your DD. So she is making you feel guilty about the pre-school so she can continue to 'help you out'.

Long calm discussion with DH is required. Not blaming or complaining but just saying that you find it sad that the two of you are not communicating well and don't seem to be able to find joy in being parents... too many cooks and all that.

If he doesn't respond well to that you can then add that you would very much like to be able to be a good mum without having to seek his mum's advice/blessing first. That he needs to be more confident with his own parenting.

And then on to independence: you would like to start your own family traditions rather than have your nuclear family forever fitting into his wider family. That the two of you are capable grown ups...

Good luck.