How honest should I be with my husband (about MiL and other stuff)?

[BettyJudy]

So we're currently in the middle of a rare prolonged argument/discussion about us not communicating properly or feeling like a team.

How honest should I be about my feelings towards his mum? (Who he thinks can do no wrong). She is fantastic with our DD and has her for scheduled times twice at least and other times too.

My current beefs; she all of a sudden has voiced her disapproval in dd starting pre-school for 3 x mornings a week (will start in october). I'm a stay at home mum and she thinks i should be with her fully until at least 3. Dh who was previously cool about pre-school has now said we need to give it some more thought and is worried about her being too young.

She always speaks down about her other daughter in law to me and dh. It makes me very uncomfortable and makes me feel as though she's talking behind my back too. I get the feeling she was secretly pleased that one of said sister in laws kids always prefered being at grannys house, and used to cry when he had to go home. There is never any praise about how good we are as mums - just a lot of chat about how amazing a grandma she is. She used to be a nursery school teacher. She's very good with kids, but I feel like she takes over a bit, especially on family holidays.

Honest thought please. I think i am probably being a bit irrational but this woman GETS ON MY BLOODY NERVES!! Should I tell husband or stay quiet?

[OurBlanche]

Ah! Her problem isn't with pre-school... it is because you will be reducing her time with your DD. So she is making you feel guilty about the pre-school so she can continue to 'help you out'.

Long calm discussion with DH is required. Not blaming or complaining but just saying that you find it sad that the two of you are not communicating well and don't seem to be able to find joy in being parents... too many cooks and all that.

If he doesn't respond well to that you can then add that you would very much like to be able to be a good mum without having to seek his mum's advice/blessing first. That he needs to be more confident with his own parenting.

And then on to independence: you would like to start your own family traditions rather than have your nuclear family forever fitting into his wider family. That the two of you are capable grown ups...

Good luck.

[diddl]

Tbh, I can't really see the problem.

You're happy for her to have your daughter at "scheduled times"?

She's started to voice disapproval of pre school-so what?

It's not her concern.

Your problem is your husband, who now has doubts because of her disapproval.

She bitches about another SIL-close her down.

Don't holiday with her unless you want to.

It seems to me that it's all within your control!

[SissySpacekAteMyHamster]

I'm a SAHM and my daughter started nursery in the September (she was 2 in October). I had the usual misgivings, worrying that she was too young etc, but she absolutely loved it.

[Tanith]

Just to pick up on the SIL criticism from MIL:
Yes, you most certainly do need to challenge or otherwise make it clear that you don't agree.
My MIL did this and, for years, I ignored it, changed the subject, diverted her but never actually disagreed with her opinion.
I found out that she was then going back to people and passing on her own criticisms as "Tanith thinks... Tanith says..."
It's an incredibly manipulative and cowardly PA way of getting in her digs while deflecting any disagreement away from herself.

And yes, I can almost guarantee she's running you down to SIL, too.

[BettyJudy]

Haha, thanks bibbity!

[bibbitybobbityyhat]

I am easily old enough to be a mil and I'm usually on the side of mils on the mil-bashing threads, but this woman sounds absolutely ghastly! First things first, I think you need to put your foot down about having at least one family holiday with them every year! It really is NOT that common for families to live so much in each other's pockets.

As for bitching about her other dil, I couldn't tolerate listening to that. If she says something nasty about your sil, come right back with the exact opposite. Defend her to the hilt. Say things like "does dil know you feel like this?"

And, yes, going to pre-school for 3 morning sessions a week sounds great! A lovely break for you and a gentle introduction to being away from you for your dd and the perfect way to ease her into the idea of going to school nursery. It is nothing like suddenly going to full time day care.

God, I really don't like her either!

[Lweji]

I was the favourite DIL but I didn't like the talking behind SILS back.
I wonder if the other DIL thought the same.

[SandyY2K]

I wouldn't be that honest about MIL to DH. I'd simply make it clear that you've both decided on nursery DDs development.

End of.

On the SIL. Just ignore.

I had that and used to try defending SIL, then I gave up and just acted deaf.

I was the favourite DIL but I didn't like the talking behind SILS back. Very uncomfortable indeed.

[BettyJudy]

I should add I was planning on staying with DC at pre-school intil she's fully happy to be left, even if it takes months

[BettyJudy]

Iggi - do you think not ideal? Hadnt thought of it like that. A 'morning' would be 9 to 12 three times a week, then was going to speak about MiL about re-arranging how much she has DC and reducing it, but I know she would want to have her for some of the time still.

You are right in that the things she has witnessed in nursery are why she doesnt want her to go somewhere til 3 (she will be 2 when starting pre-school).

Cp - yes I get what you say!

[CPtart]

They're not a close family though if she's slagging off other family members behind their back.
You do not have to explain or justify your childcare choices. Your MIL has zero say. She sounds far too over involved in your lives in general, and I would knock holidaying with her on the head!
Going to nursery at 2 will do your DC no harm at all. So important for DC to spend time with others and learn that family will always come back. I would question MIL child rearing practises herself, her go at parenting has managed to raise a man who seems incapable of independent thought.

[Iggi999]

The child is starting nursery at 2 though, not 3, from the OP. I do think being a sahm and putting a two year old into nursery three mornings a week, as well as regular childcare slots from mil, is unusual and not ideal.
That is absolutely none of my business though. Your mil is presumably very attached to her gc, which makes it slightly more of her business, but still not outranking your view. Her being a nursery nurse who doesn't want a 2 year old at nursery might well be based on what she witnessed herself.

[BettyJudy]

Just wanted tp say, thanks all for posting advice, I really appreciate it.

Cody, I'm definitely going to try that on her next time she says something about SiL - a great non aggressive method.

I have a mum who we do see but is not massively involved for various reasons, so do feel a bit lonely / alien in a close family.

Anyway, going to do trial day at pre-school with husband and will see what happens. Am going to stand my ground about my views if MiL mentions it again.

[Sallyhasleftthebuilding]

Either that or DH could have DC 3 mornings while you get one - Job done

[Wolpertinger]

Do you ever see other DIL without MIL being there? Is it whole family or nothing?

One way to strengthen relationships is to start setting them up without MIL being the lynchpin of everything. You are all adults now and can do this without her having to facilitate it all.

And yes 2 holidays with MIL in a year is a recipe for murder. Where is your DM and your family in all of this, it sounds v enmeshed with your DH's family with your opinions having a v small space if you disagree.

[magicboy79]

I would def express your feelings as you want to be totally honest with your husband no doubt, but I would do the softly softly approach, as it is his mum at the end of the day. My mil is a good soul with good intentions but very scatty and irresponsible and she takes on far too much. Plus she often likes a drink. She's always busy looking for after 2/3 other grandkids so I never want to leave mine with her as she's her hands full. I expressed this to my husband that it was fine for her to see our kids every week but that I wanted him to be there too, to which he saw my point and agreed. I was a bit surprised he agreed with me, but he did see where I was coming from.

[ImperialBlether]

I think you do need to man up about your SIL. It's horrible hearing someone criticised when you know that your MIL is nice as pie to her face (as we have to assume that as otherwise surely your SIL wouldn't meet her for coffee etc.) Once you do say something, "Oh I thought you liked her?" or "She's a lovely mum" or something like that, your MIL will probably pipe down.

A holiday once a year with the ILs is enough for anyone. I'd let her get on with it and show her Mary Poppins side and I'd have a lovely relaxing time. She'll soon learn.

It's amazing that as a nursery teacher she thinks your daughter shouldn't go to play school. That really does sound as though she wants to get at you rather than that she believes what she's saying. I would challenge her on that. "But surely you found it easier as a nursery school teacher to deal with children who were used to play school?" etc.

[BettyJudy]

Holidays - we had one with the inlaws last year and will have two with them this year. We do holidays just the three of us too, but I think just one holiday a year is the maximum I can take, and I will ensure this happens in future.

Re: other DiL I would love to form a bit more of a bond with her on the MiL issue, but unfortunately we dont see her massively often (the matriarch sees everyone frequently but we only socialise as a full family maybe 3 times a year). We have each others numbers but In a wierd way, I think she is quite reliant in MiL not just for child care - they meet for coffee and DiL off loads about work problems and other issues. I dont know how receptive she would be to me suddenly broaching the subject out of the blue.

I often just go quiet when Mil says stuff about her, hoping that ahe takes the hint... But I think I will be a bit more direct about this. Erk. Need to man up.

I do often feel as though husband opens his mouth and his mum comes out. i have hinted at this in the past and he is quite defensive about it - I think previous partners have had the same issue. He says he is a grown man capable of making up his own mind but wants to listen to his mums opinion too. I can understand this but I just do feel like she is the third wheel in our relationship sometimes..

[CodyKing]

And the holiday thing - get in first - DH I'd really like us to go to X place next year - I want to show DD X Y Z? Can we look?

• Don't say I'm not going of MIL is there -
  

You can work things in your favour just be a bit more pro active

[CodyKing]

You don't have to confront -

Repeat what she says to you

MIL 'Jane said she's losing weight but she's eating cake'

You 'She's losing weight and eating cake?'

She now has to justify her opinion - it's her turn to talk and she's not expecting it - it will make her feel awkward - but at the same time you haven't said anything -

It works bit takes praise and she'll stop when she realises she feels awkward talking about stuff to you -

Have a practice - it's a gem

[Wolpertinger]

You need to cut the talk about the other DIL - it's nasty. Just say you don't think you should talk about people who aren't here behind their backs and cut it off.

And yes, get a united front with your SIL, MIL is almost certainly doing the same thing about you when she is there.

It's highly unlikely the GCs do actually prefer being at grannys - lots of kids cry when they have to go home from nursery I certainly did even though I also cried when I was dropped off doesn't mean they want to live there or prefer it there, just means it's normal behaviour and granny is good with nursery age kids. You could point this out to your DH.

And start moving for some holidays without MIL. She's dominating everything as the family matriarch.

Of course your child is old enough for pre-school - it's designed for children who are pre-school age

[Isetan]

I am scared of the confrontation

^ This^

There will always be people who think their opinions are worth more but not ignoring her and calling her out, is your responsibility. It appears that your H has chosen the path of least resistance) repeating her thoughts as if they are his own because he too is apprehensive at confronting his mother.

[Lweji]

If you don't seem on her side, she's probably less likely to criticise your SIL.
And it's a way of establishing your assertiveness with her.

I think it's normal to hesitate when presented with a different point of view. On the nursery front (sorry I missed your OH was reconsidering it) you are the one taking care of the child. ExH was a sahp but we still put DS in a nursery at 3 and he would benefit from contact with other children and adaptation to a school environment. At 3 children do begin playing with others and it's not bad being away from mum a few hours.
He also missed most of the 1st term with illnesses. And I agree that it's better then than at school.
3 mornings are nothing.

[Kidnapped]

"I feel like she takes over a bit, especially on family holidays".

Easy solution to that one. Don't go on them.