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Original poster

DD(10) wants to change name to be part of the family

53 replies

IlikeCluedo · 18/06/2016 21:38

Not sure if this is the right place sorry.
But DD(10) was very upset today and I need advice as I'm not sure what to do.

The background is that when DD was born her mum and I gave her my surname. I split up with her mum years ago and married my DP and we hyphenated mine and his name. We now have two boys who also have our hyphenated surname. So DD is the only one with my original surname

She had a small show today in her art class it was an hour where parents see the kids work. I was going to go but DS 1 was ill so I couldn't go and my DP was working till lunch so he couldn't go either. Another parent took her and dropped her home.

When she got home she ran straight to her room and we could hear her sobbing. I went up to her and she said that at the art class they did an activity where the family wrote their surname and decorated it. But she didn't feel like she could do it because no-one in her family has her surname.
She begged me to change it as she wants the same name as us. I explained that it wasn't that simple we would have to ask her mum who would probably say no. We also haven't been in contact with her mum for a while so it would be difficult to find her. She started crying again saying it was all she wanted more than anything else and could she have it for a birthday present.

It's not the first time she has asked to change her name she has mentioned it on and off for the past 3 years or so, but it's the first time she has gotten so upset about it.

I have no idea how to make this better for her. So I am hoping you can adviser on what to do next to help her.

OP posts:
queenofthepirates · 19/06/2016 00:26

Off topic but why don't you, as a family, chose a new surname en-masse? Or a middle name like love or kindred, you could all share? I just wonder if she's feeling left out of the newer family. I'm not suggesting you're not doing a sterling job but little people can be quite sensitive.

Iflyaway · 19/06/2016 01:29

We also haven't been in contact with her mum for a while so it would be difficult to find her.

This is key to the whole thing.

It's her mum. No wonder she wants to be part of your family by name....

You can either ignore it now (her mum) or deal with it as she becomes a teen.

The name thing is just a smoke and mirrors on your part. Sorry....

MariaSklodowska · 19/06/2016 01:37

Of course the school can refer to her with a name that is not on her legal documents.
My children were legally Myname-Hisname but secondary were quite happy for them just to be Myname with no questions asked,

NerdyBird · 19/06/2016 01:40

There were a few people at my school who used their middle name, and I remember one girl changed her first name. Another girl changed her surname. Try doing it at school and if she is happier perhaps try contacting her mum to start the legal change.

StartledByHisFurryShorts · 19/06/2016 02:24

There's also the not insignificant issue that you and your partner (the parents of her younger brothers) are a same sex couple.

This might make her more keen to affiliate herself with your family. If she's absolutely fine with her dad being in a gay relationship (and it sounds like she is), then the different surname may carry more weight than it would if you'd married another woman. You, your partner and your sons are a lovely example of a working LGBT relationship. She might feel excluded from that.

And sorry if any of that sounded clunky or poorly phrased. I'm bisexual myself.

StartledByHisFurryShorts · 19/06/2016 02:48

"your family" was definitely poorly phrased. Obviously it's her family, regardless of surname.

Kr1stina · 19/06/2016 09:23

Why don't you change your name by DSD poll to be the same as hers ?

Kr1stina · 19/06/2016 09:25

I'm sorry, I mean deed poll . If you and your partner have the same name, one of you must have changed names before .

ohjessie · 19/06/2016 09:32

My brother is adopted, but was fostered by my family for many years beforehand. He used our surname for a long time before he was legally adopted (his choice) and the school had no issue with this.

Original poster
IlikeCluedo · 19/06/2016 10:32

Thank you for your replies
DD has a good relationship with DP they both have some similar interests and personality.

It may link to her mum but there isn't much I can do to help with that as I can't force her mum to contact us and she wasn't the best influence anyway and I don't think that I would want her spending a lot of time with DD as we have had problems with her mum upsetting her in the past.

My partner would like to keep his surname as part of our family name as it is important to him. To be honest if it hadn't been for DD we would probably just have DPs surname as I'm not that bothered about mine apart from sharing it with DD.

I may arrange meeting with the school to see what they say about DD being known as a different surname.

OP posts:
MrsJayy · 19/06/2016 10:39

I think it would mean a lot to your DD she obviously sees your partner as another parent and wants to recognise that
My name was never legally changed but it was the name that was recognised and as an adult it was used for banks bills etc I didn't even have to say .my legal surname when I got married it is on my marraige certificate though

LuluJakey1 · 19/06/2016 10:40

anecdotal You are wrong. She can be known by the surname she prefers at school - registers, books, reports, everything except examination certificates and government returns. It is done often and the school simply ties the preferred name to the legal name on the official Pupil Number so they are clear about it. It requires no agreement of the divorced parents- it is the child's preference, usually because they are part of a blended family. Not all want to do it but many do. It is common and the school will be unsurprised by a request.

LemonRedwood · 19/06/2016 10:46

In addition to what Lulu just said, we have more than a few children at our school who are referred to by first names which are nothing to do with any part of their legal name (e.g. someone legally named Jane Susan Bloggs being referred to as Kate*)

*not an actual example!

Ineedmorecoffee · 19/06/2016 11:55

I had my name changed as a child, it wasn't changed by deed poll my parents just changed it.
I had passports and bank accounts in the changed name but my birth certificate is still in my birth name.
For the majority of the time it's been straight forward.
The only problems I've had were , getting married abroad, I had to change my passport to my birth name in order to do it, a few phone calls and an extra bit of paperwork and it was all sorted. Changing names on bank accounts after caused more problems just because they'd never come across it before but again it was all sorted.

Haffdonga · 19/06/2016 11:59

Agree. You can call yourself whatever you damn well want at school. I was a teacher and we'd regularly have families letting us know (not even in writing) that dd's new surname is Smith - no need for deed poll or anything formal except for the official registration and exam certs. In fact I'd frequently find out a child had a new name because they'd change what they wrote on their exercise books.

OP just let your dd change her name . No deed poll. No legal stuff. No fuss. Just ring the school and tell them from now on dd is going to be known as dd X-Y. Yes, she'll still be dd Y on passports and doctor's forms but in daily life she'll be an X-Y like you and her brothers.

BertrandRussell · 19/06/2016 12:07

She can certainly use your family name at school - it happens a lot. So as from tomorrow she could be "known as".

But it does seem to me that you need to focus on the relationship with her mother. The name thing is only a symptom.

eleventybillion · 19/06/2016 12:28

Actually changing the surname is quite straight forward as pp have said. My surname is different from my birth certificate and all I needed was a statutory declaration (5 min job with a solicitor).

The issue seems to be her mum's consent and perhaps your daughter's feelings around the lack of relationship.

This page seems to have some good practical advice about what you can and can't do legally.

From a relationship perspective ... I had no relationship with my father and I think it did hurt me (much as my mum was a fabulous parent). Much as it sounds really difficult, my advice would be to try and find her mum and sort things out one way or another.

PurpleCrazyHorse · 19/06/2016 14:37

DD's school has a 'known as' option on forms so this should be possible in an unofficial capacity. DD is known by an abbreviation.

Only you know whether contacting DD's mum is in DD's best interests, if so then do it so your DD has the answer from mum, not your guess. My mum kept in mail contact with my dad when they divorced and he eventually got back in touch, however he was a good dad, just not very confident looking after me and Dbro. There weren't any other issues to be concerned about him getting in touch though.

Otherwise check she can do it herself at 16 and support her to do that.

PlatoTheGreat · 19/06/2016 14:46

It looks like your dd has a massive problem re where she belongs and what is her family. She seems fearful that somehow she doesn't belong to your 'new' family because you don't have the same name...

I would be tempted to not let her change her name yet but start by trying and address her insecurities instead.
The problem being that, even if she changes her name at school, this is like putting a plaster over it, it won't change the issue so you will be facing something else next.

One thing that came to mind was, does she think it is possible yu will separate from your current DH and she will be then be loosing her 'family' but also the person she probably see her father? In other words, is she more looking for a way to cement the fact your DP acts as her father, is her father so that can't be taken away from her. Hope that makes sense!

BertrandRussell · 19/06/2016 14:52

I would do the name change to "known as" now. That's concrete proof for her that you are listening and want to help her.

Then I think you really do have to address the relationship with her mother.

PlatoTheGreat · 19/06/2016 15:00

Also, to makes things clear.
You are a woman and your ex is a woman too. So no 'father' in the horizon in your previous relationship. Is that right?

How is your dd managing to understand the complexity of the situation? That she had two mummies but no dad and now she has one mummy with her, a Sfather who acts as a dad to her (?) and a mum that she never sees?

Redisthenewblack · 19/06/2016 15:51

Plato the OP is male, so the DD has a biological mother who hasn't seen her for over a year and a half, and 2 dads. (Taken from OPs other thread)

www.ukdp.co.uk/child-name-change-court-order/

It is possible to apply for a court order to change a child's name in the event that one parent will not consent or is uncontactable. However this will probably take a long time and I agree with PPs who have said speak to the school and have a 'known by' name put in place ASAP.

My DSSis double barreled her name when her mum married my dad. Even before the documentation was done she was referred to as 'Sister HerDadsName - MyDadsName' from the day after their wedding.

Haffdonga · 19/06/2016 16:07

Plato how on earth did you draw any of those conclusions? Confused Hmm

MrsJayy · 19/06/2016 16:22

Urm the Op is a man the partner is a man her mum doesnt see her and when she does its not great for the little girl .

Original poster
IlikeCluedo · 19/06/2016 16:34

Sorry if it wasn't clear I am a male and my DP is male and we aren't in contact with DDs mum.
I used to be in a relationship with DDs mum however I left and met my current DP.
DDs mum hasn't been in contact for a year and a half. DD used to go there every other weekend but it gradually declined. We used to write her letters but the last ones were sent back to us saying she had moved address. We don't know where. We have an email address which we send stuff to but she hasn't replied for a year and a half.

I don't know if finding her mum is the best idea if she is feeling insecure. When her mum was in contact she would sometimes say things which used to upset DD.

Interesting point about DD May be worried about losing DP if we were to split. I hadn't considered it but it's possible that she is worried about him leaving her life as she is close to him and for father's day in her card she referred to him as her father.

I plan to discuss it with her tonight and see what she says now that she isn't upset and go from there.

OP posts:
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