Falling in love with another man

[JustOneCuppa]

So I've been miserable in my marriage for ages. Lots of crap, but basically co-exist rather than in a relationship. I want to leave but something holds me back - finances, upheaval, fear, failure, hope he'll change....

But I started chatting to a guy online through another app (not a dating one). We got on straight away but now it is a lot more than that. He has told me he is falling in love with me and I feel the same. He is the polar opposite of my husband and everything I want (well apart from him being married as well and living a hundred miles away). We spend hours on the phone every day and message each other constantly. But it is more than just the flirtation - our conversations are deep and he knows more about me than anyone.

I just don't know what to do, how to handle this. I know the text book answer so why am I feeling so confused and unable to act like the decent person I know I am deep down....

You shouldn't be telling a guy you haven't even met all about you, he could be anyone and just feeding you what you want to hear because you are unhappy?

Been there. Done that. It's a hard fact to face when you are caught up in the moment and thrilled by this new connection. Unfortunately you need to deal with the issues you face in real life first before indulging in fantasy. In the long run, it will make you more unhappy, pining on what could be rather than what is. I feel your pain.

You are cheating on your husband which is a shitty thing to do. Really shitty.

If you don't want to be with him then leave him before you start emotional relationships with other men.

You can still act like a decent person.

Separate from your DH, and get divorce proceeding started.

The standard advice would be to live independently for a while, before choosing what sort of relationship you want next.

But if you are sure you are ready, there's nothing really to stop you continuing the relationship you've already begun once you have separated.

FFS, and he's married too? You sound like the perfect match. Your poor partners.

Yeah I am a shitty person. You are right. It sounds utterly crap as I see it written in black and white but I genuinely didn't go looking for this.

I need to separate, I've known this for a long time. But financially I am stuck. But I know that has to be my focus. I s'pose it has been easier to be distracted elsewhere than deal with the reality of my home situation.

You're right, OP, this is not real life...it's a fantasy. This man is not in love with you and it will not work out between you. There is no knight in shining armour waiting to ride you into the sunset. However, come back to the here and now and deal with your marriage (one way or another) and you might find life starts to look up.

So you know you're a shitty person, stop the relationship right now. IF you don't you become even shittier. Don't do this to another person's family, just don't.

Also beware that this connection you have online is not transferable to real life.
I was online friends with a guy, we had amazing banter and a massive amount of fun. In real life he was rude, embarrassing and not remotely attractive to me!

I just want to say (and I'm sure I'll be criticised) that I feel for you. I'm also in a very difficult position (which I won't go into!), and I do genuinely think these things can happen and can seem to be beyond control. I have no advice but don't give yourself a hard time - if you were happy in your marriage it wouldn't have happened.

Flaming commence...!

I'm with you Pink. But OP the only solution here is to end both relationships, have some time alone and then decide what you want from a relationship.

You won't believe me, but you really aren't falling in love, it's a fantasy. You don't know him, you don't know if anything he has told you is the truth. He may love his wife and just want some excitement on the side - some people can be so convincing.

For what it's worth I don't think you are a shitty person, everyone makes stupid mistakes and we all do the wrong thing at times, but carrying on with this is certainly a shitty thing to do.

Great post MyDarling - I'm sure this is good advice OP

Leave your husband. He deserves better.

things just happen. No they don't. Take ownership of your own behaviour and remember you might just have ruined someone else's family forever. The financial and emotional consequences for the kids, just think of them - it will be hard because if you're a cheater, that means you have disregarded the feelings of all those connected with the person you are cheating with and the people connected with you too.

Taking the TV remote out with you instead of your phone is a mistake. Buying full fat instead of semi skimmed is a mistake. Getting into an emotional relationship with someone other than your DP/DH is a choice. It's a fools paradise. You are a cheat and so is he. For all you know his wife could be tortured knowing something isn't right and so could your husband be. Do the right thing.

If you didn't go looking for this then how come you met him on a dating app?

I've done online dating and honestly some of the guys would tell you absolutely anything. This guy could be a right sleaze bag.

It wasn't a dating app

I do feel for you, OP. I know you're in a shitty place right now. But you know you need to forget about Online Guy. It's just a distraction because you probably can't face the Real Life stuff you need to do.

You know you can finish this unsatisfactory relationship. Make a clean break. Figure out where your head's at. Then, later on, the world's your oyster. You'll be able to look for a nice (available!) person.

And by "unsatisfactory relationship", I mean your marriage. The other thing isn't a relationship.

Your flattered by the attention, so stop making a fool of yourself.This person is saying what you want to hear. If your marriage is over do something about it, your making a fool of your DH & this other persons marriage. They deserve better.

How on earth do you have time to spend hours a day on the phone to the OM???

It's easy to say someone is shitty when we are not living their lives. I feel for you and really hope you find happiness, either with your husband or with someone else. No one deserves to feel miserable in a relationship, think about it and do something to change your life.
Maybe that online guy came to wake you up from your inertia in our marriage and to show you it's time to seek for happiness.

Is your husband miserable as well?

If so maybe he'll be happy to live in house but seperate. Remember there's a BW on the other side of this too.

I would not assume it is fantasy and not love. Met my husband online, fell in love without knowing him, met him and kept loving him, got married... There are thousands of such stories. But if both are married it is a no no, of course...

So I've been miserable in my marriage for ages. Lots of crap, but basically co-exist rather than in a relationship You need to stop trying to justify your behaviour. Personally I can't think of anything less romantic or appealing than starting an affair when either party is married. It sounds like you want the financial security of your husband whilst being able to behave inappropriately with other men. That's callled having your cake and eating it too.