Falling in love with another man

[JustOneCuppa]

So I've been miserable in my marriage for ages. Lots of crap, but basically co-exist rather than in a relationship. I want to leave but something holds me back - finances, upheaval, fear, failure, hope he'll change....

But I started chatting to a guy online through another app (not a dating one). We got on straight away but now it is a lot more than that. He has told me he is falling in love with me and I feel the same. He is the polar opposite of my husband and everything I want (well apart from him being married as well and living a hundred miles away). We spend hours on the phone every day and message each other constantly. But it is more than just the flirtation - our conversations are deep and he knows more about me than anyone.

I just don't know what to do, how to handle this. I know the text book answer so why am I feeling so confused and unable to act like the decent person I know I am deep down....

You can't be in love with someone you haven't met.

When you meet them the fantasy often does not match up to the reality.

Every single cheater is a shit. Cheatings ruins children's lives, even their own children's lives. It's actually pretty black and white. There is no excuse ever.

Where are the feelings of the children in this? Those who justify cheaters always mention "happiness" of the adult who is cheating, never mention the happiness of all the people getting hurt.

Do people these days actually bother to read their marriage vows? Life is up and down, sometimes happy, sometimes sad. Walking away when it gets hard is the easy way out and often comes with a price for the children and others.

How do you know he is everything your husband isn't? And how do you know that's a good thing?

The fact is you don't. You have never met and some people are very good at telling people what they want to hear.

You only know what he is saying and no clue wether it's even true.

Imagine the replies if op were a man.

My reply would be the same if the OP were a man. A cheater is a shit. A cheater ruins lives. A cheater never thinks of the happiness of others or the consequences of their self appreciation.

You can't really compare a marriage to the unreality of chatting with someone on line. In the end, if that worked you would then be washing his dirty pants and getting annoyed at little things. Then will you be back where you started. If you want to leave then leave but don't cheat. They are two different things. You shouldn't be waiting until you have something else lined up until you go.

This man is everything you're H isn't.

Including someone happy to pretty much have deep conversations with OW and tell them how much they are falling for them behind their wives back.

What is his wife doing all the time he is wasting messing around with you?

Do they have kids? Is she busy holding the family together knowing something is wrong while he spends hours on you?

Would you be happy with a man happy to treat the woman he loved enough to marry like this treating you the same eventually?

Get some dignity and self respect. Leave him to sort out his marriage (or move onto the next pathetic sap) and sort out yours.

Stop being the OW in his marriage.

The other man sounds like a real keeper eh? Spending all his spare time chatting to you and maybe other women too, all behind his wife's back. Nice.

And if you did get together and he was your knight in shining armour (very unlikely) then he could go behind your back too.

I know you didn't meet on a dating site but there are so many Walter Mitty's out there in cyberspace it's quite surreal, chatting online is NOTHING like meeting a person face to face.

One is fantasy.

The other is reality.

BIG difference.

Walter Mitty

an ordinary, timid person who is given to adventurous and self-aggrandizing daydreams or secret plans as a way of glamorizing a humdrum life.

I'm not gonna flame OP.... been there done that (although I'm single & he wasnt) it's intoxicating when someone seems so interested in you.

I stopped talking to him after a short time cos I knew it was (a) wrong and (b) not real.... but...... That was in February and I have only just stopped measuring other men against him as my ideal benchmark.

It will be hard to stop contact but you need to be strong, he is not a nice man, he will move on to the next vulnerable woman.

the app isn't words with friends is it? How funny if it was the same man

OP you are not a shitty person (or if you are then I am). You are in a situation you can't see a way out of. You no doubt feel unloved and have no one to confide in, except this man. Everyone needs to feel valued and loved, we are only human after all.

I am in a very similar situation. A deeply unhappy marriage. I feel lonely all time. My H and I barely speak. I have met someone who I can't stop thinking He seems to care about me. But I know that there will be never be anything between us because it is forbidden and I don't think he sees me in that way. But the fantasy remains and while I am so unhappy I do indulge myself, imagining what it would feel like to be loved again.

I will leave my H, but don't know how just yet. 3 DC, completely financially reliant on him. I swing from from thinking I must leave for my sanity, to how can I? How can I upset our home life, how could I cope with the stress of divorce? The dreams of what could be are always held back by the reality and practicalities of trying to change.

You are not alone, and I feel for you. Something has to change, but how you do it, I don't know.

Stop it OP before you embarrass yourself any further

You don't love him nor he you.

Get a grip. Harsh but needed.

Think about how you'd feel if someone was sending flirty and sexual messages to your husband. Maybe someone is. If you don't care then get out but don't kid yourself you don't care but for some other reason than to justify your own grubby messages.

I've been on both sides and fucking hell it hurts and is crap and it doesn't go away over night.

Stop being weak and grow up.

I was in the exact same position as you and could have written your post
We met up, it didn't end well for me physically and I ended up in a right state
I was warned on here to end it but didn't listen and will always regret it
Real life is not the same as online and sadly people project a whole different persona by text and message , I learned this to my cost
Don't be me,

I was once whipped up in a fervour of emotion thinking I'd met Mr Right online. He said he loved me, this was an amazing miracle etc.

When we met he had the most awful halitosis and also a weird nervous tic that really irritated me from Day One.

You cannot possibly know someone until you meet in person.

Also, pheromones!

Mr Halitosis must have been on a dating site, my God I have met so many horrors on those I gave it up!!

You cannot have fallen in love with someone you haven't met. You are infatuated with a fantasy. It's completely different.

It has highlighted a problem in your marriage. Sort that out first and stop hoping that this complete stranger holds all the answers.

Is a man who would do this to his wife really 'everything you'd want'?

For me fidelity is the bare minimum. I think you should raise your standards.

Realistically, he's doing this with other women as well. And he has halitosis.

Please don't meet him, I can't stress this enough, I'd give anything to turn the block back, I'd have sworn he was the kindest, loveliest man I'd ever spoken to but I was played big time and paid the price when we met
I have nowhere to go with what happened to me because I can't tell anyone
I'm just concentrating on getting my marriage back on track

Thanks everyone who took the time to comment. I posted as I knew I needed a reality check and that is exactly what I got.

Just a few things to respond to - I am not financially dependent on my DH and that is not why I've stayed. In fact it is the opposite. one of the things I struggle with is by breaking up it would leave him high and dry and I don't know if I can do that to him (I know ironic after what I've posted)

I haven't tried to make excuses for my behaviour - I know what I am doing is wrong and I don't try to sugar coat it. Of course I feel disgustingly guilty and disappointed with myself, otherwise I would have just carried on without seeking advice, knowing full well the response I would get.

I am not a horrible person, and I know for many of you it is very black and white on this issue. I've never had that opinion, even when it wasn't about me. I haven't wanted to put all the reasons why I have reached this stage but it is complex and far more than me just wanting my cake and eat it. And in defence of him, it is the same - I don't believe he is a nasty person, or that he is doing this left, right and centre. Maybe I'm naive, and I'm sure if I was reading this instead of writing it, I would say the same.

And for those of you who have offered empathy and advice through experience thank you. It has meant more than you know. And has made me question my behaviour more than the other posts.

Have you met this man in real life?

I didn't believe mine was a nasty person either, months of beautiful texts, I was on cloud nine, told each other all sorts of stuff, pet names for each other, then we met.......
Please read between the lines of my previous posts and be very careful

If you are 'chatting on an app' to random men then it really doesn't matter whether it's dating app or not, does it? You are doing it because you are craving male attention and inviting some excitement and drama into your life. Ultimately you wanted to fall in love with someone so you can walk away from your marriage into the arms of another man and say you 'couldn't help it' and 'it just happened' and 'the feelings were too strong to fight them'.

But it didn't 'just happen' did it? Because you willingly and knowingly signed up to an app where you knew you would chat to random men.

Woman up and deal with what's wrong in your marriage first. If you need to leave then leave. But if you are relying on another man to be your crutch before you can summon the courage to leave then what will happen is that he might well get spooked and pull that crutch away and you'll end up alone and feeling like shit and wondering if you shouldn't have just stayed where you were and not rocked the boat.

And a married man who befriends women on chat apps is hardly the safest and most trustworthy bet, is he?

Oh dear

I believe your marriage is over but you sound hideously naive about relationships

You haven't even met this man and you seem willing to throw your whole lot in with him

That will not end well. For you. And you are the one posting here.

I absolutely didn't believe my guy was a nasty person, like I said I was intoxicated. It was. On word with friends that we started chatting... Even though I don't play or talk to him anymore I can see when he's on line and it's a lot... So I know he's still at it with someone else.

And to those who say the OP was actively looking to chat to guys... I wasn't. I enjoy playing & I usually just chat about the game but occasionally it does cross over into more personal stuff. This one set a challenge... Whoever wins has to reveal something... It was a laugh, I didn't reveal anything to personal but he did and it just kind of escalated.