Something weird is happening to me.

[Karmicgeelovething]

The last year has been eventful. Lots of outside stressy stuff, I ended a very toxic relationship, got my depression treated, cut out caffeine and booze pretty much totally, and I've kind of hibernated. I'm calmer and happier than I've been for years. I sleep great, I enjoy things I had forgotten. But, I've noticed I'm letting my personal appearance go. It's just of no importance to me, nor is exercise, healthy eating etc. I should be concerned. I've got two huge holes in my teeth and yet I can't be arsed to go to the dentist. I hate brushing them. I used to get my hair done professionally every 6 weeks like clockwork. Now I've got terrible roots and look bad! I don't like washing and showering, and even though I used to be a big style fan, now I'm content to hole up in my old pj's. I've piled weight on too.
It's like I'm avoiding any physical discomfort whatsoever, and turning into a mess in the process!

What the heck is happening?

I have a friend who was in your situation - her depression (the way she felt mentally) improved with ADs but her self-care really suffered. She wouldn't wash because she didn't want to get 'cold and wet' would wear dirty clothes because they were 'comfortable' and stopped taking even the slightest pride in her appearance. It was just another manifestation of the depression to be honest, mentally she was 'better' but her care for herself showed that all was not right. Not to scare you but she lost two teeth during this period.

A change of ADs did help, sometimes you need to try different ones.

Can you give yourself goals - next week you'll book the dentist, and the hairdressers - perhaps one appointment one week the other another week? I suffer with anxiety too and feel given myself small goals helps me a bit otherwise I'd stay home. I've also put on weight and feel ugly and horrible, I don't look In the mirror anymore as it upsets me, I find small goals like hair and perhaps a spa treat day for me help enormously xx

In-ter-est-ing... I wonder what could be more serious than a disease that is arguably the primary killer for people aged 20-34 in the UK...

and

Thinkpinkstain - easy tiger! I have a relative with very badly controlled schizophrenia, paranoia and terrible self harming tendencies. I don't think the post was a dig or minimalisation of depression.flowers

Thank you for standing up for me Karmic. It was 50 plus years of schizophrenia and still ongoing. Hope that helps ThinkPink.

I was saying to the op that the drugs were quite possibly different and stronger than depression medication. Is that ok with you?

can i ask what dose you are on? sounds like me when i was on a dise too high

I imagine finding the right dose is tricky in some circumstances. Too little and it isn't effective, too much and you can become a bit zombie like. Apologies for the less than pretty description, but it's how our relative appeared. They needed more practical help with everyday life when their condition was under control.

Vagabond that's v interesting, but the relationship I've ended wasn't a romantic one. But I was constantly commented upon, regarding my appearance, and I was never ever ever quite good enough.

I've also distanced myself from a "frenemy" who is also very appearance-focussed.

What about going for a totally new style? One the old crowd would have hated. How would they feel about purple hair and leather trousers?

Crayfish yes, I don't want to get cold and wet either! I'm happy to have long hot baths though.

Flumpybear, gentle goals sound like a nice idea.

The drugs - I'm on the start dose of fluoxetine, I was on escitalopram years ago for PND and I felt incredibly slowed down. I don't feel like that on these.

A different style? Gosh I can't imagine! I'm in the very dull habit of wearing what I think suits my shape (which is almost always supermarket clothes in navy blue) because I've forgotten what I like.

Maybe you're sort of rebooting. It's like you are no longer having to live up to the person who was controlling through looks, so you don't quite know how to be now. After so many years of it, not having it at all has left you in a sort of void.

Now you're realising you're not being true to you, so maybe it's time to start doing a few things for yourself that you enjoy appearance wise. Sort of ease yourself into what ever you think you may like.

Not that not doing anything is a 'void' if that's what you like (I'm not big on appearances myself) it's just it sounds like you kind of want to experiment a bit to find out what you really like.

I wonder if the cosiness of the drugs are giving you a couldn't care less attitude? Sometimes personal care can be as much driven by not wanting to bad to others, or be embarrassed, but you are accepting and happy in your self so don't really care how you look? Except it's going a bit too far?

The other perspective is that when I've had low thyroid levels it's a effort to do many things or I get distracted. It's possible you're a bit too dulled down? Anxiety is so dulled you aren't bothered by bad teeth?

Anxiety and worry have a purpose; to help us to act on things and seek solutions, or maintain habits to prevent problems. Maybe you're almost too content?!

Aw I wouldn't worry about this. Apart from your teeth - get those sorted! Needs must. Though I'm with you on what a trial it feels when you just want to be left alone: don't touch me! Don't hurt me!

As for the rest, so what? Let it roll through. You're in such a lovely, nurturing place - don't bring it to an end until you're ready to step out there again.

I'm quite sure it will end btw. All in good time.

I have my clothes and hair pared down to the absolute minimum work/thought. It's amazing how much work you can cut out and still pass muster.

I'm not going to tell you how often I shower. I wash the important bits every day though - don't want to be minging.

"Sometimes personal care can be as much driven by not wanting to bad to others, or be embarrassed, but you are accepting and happy in your self so don't really care how you look? Except it's going a bit too far?"

That's the thing. I'm not fully sure.

Springydaffs that's a good idea. I'm not given to hoarding much anyway but paring down is appealing.

I was on fluoxetine and for me, it made things worse. I did actually do the school run in pyjamas a couple of times as I had no energy or motivation to care about myself. I managed my job and caring for DC but looking after myself went out the window.

When I had a breakdown and was signed off work, I mentally felt like I needed to hibernate a while. But I also tapered off the flouxetine, which made me feel more human. The anxiety came back and PTSD symptoms, so I am now on Setraline. I honestly do have the energy to do things I like again and I don't feel in a fog. I am still dealing with difficult issues, but coping better.

Consider whether it could be the flouxetine. Also I had my blood tested and I was anaemic, so iron and B12 also helped. Withdrawing is a symptom of the illness, I still do it, but if you have the energy and strength to make small positive changes, it adds up over time.

Withdrawing from the outside and social world, I mean

I think I'm happy to stick with the fluoxetine, because it's SUCH an improvement on where I was. I didn't have a breakdown (I don't think I did anyway) but I was on the edge of tears all the time, I couldn't see any end to my worries or anything positive and there were some very very negative influences I've removed from my life which coincided with starting the drugs. It's hard to know what to attribute to what change, iyswim.

I certainly trust my own judgement more, so I think that's a good thing, isn't it?

When you did the school run in your pj's how did you feel about that?

I'd never do that because I sleep naked and if I'm going to put on pj's I may as well get dressed, as turning up nude is a bridge too far even for me!

I'm wearing clean clothes daily without fail, along with a good strip wash most days. But rarely the shower.

I use the word breakdown advisedly. It was distinct and different from the mental health issues I had been dealing with before, and felt physical as well as mental, and was on the cards for about a year beforehand.

The pyjamas - this was about six weeks before I was signed off and maybe 2 or 3 times, not every day. Mostly I felt bad for DS as he likes me to go up to the lines and wave him as he goes in, but I went as far as I could to see him walk in the gates and the door. I work at home some days, so I would have got dressed thereafter. It was partly a stress management thing, I was waking up early to work rather than shower then getting DC ready, and self-care was bottom of my list. So I would shower later or collapse in the bath in the evening when DC were in bed. I still have insomnia, and lots of stress, but I try now to make time to get myself ready make up daily hair wash so that I am not metaphorically bottom of the list all the time.

But it sounds like the self care you need is being gentle on yourself and learning where your own expectations for appearance and grooming are. There is a whole spectrum available. Some days I wear little make up, partly a time issue, partly a choice. Try and trust your own judgement about what you need right now

Sorry, the controlling relationahip thing and not knowing what you like to wear etc - this takes time. I had similar and it takes time. Change one aspect at a time. If you have a good friend, and childcare, spend a day window shopping to see what is out there and what suits you within your budget. It is almost like being a teenager again, there will be some fails (take them back) but some things you love.

When I had a combination of clothes I liked, or was complimented on, I wrote it down, so I slowly worked out what suited me and I felt good in.

You need to discuss this with your GP.

Also ask for a thyroid function test as you are showing some symptoms of hypothyroidism.