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Original poster

not sure about new man

34 replies

singleandfabulous · 17/06/2016 10:33

Can anyone help me decode the new man I'm seeing?

Been single for three years (not even a date during that time) but have now met a man I really like who makes me laugh and is gorgeous. I haven't fancied anyone this much for about ten years.

Got to know him by looking at a buy to let property at the beginning of the month and it was pretty obvious from the start that there was chemistry between us.

After the second meeting, he gave me his mobile number and said to get in touch if I had any questions so I did and it went from there. We've met up three times now, twice for a drink and on Wednesday night he called into mine on his way home from work with something to do with the property letting business.

Up until this point, he had been very chatty and flirty, touching my arm and hugging me hello and goodbye and generally being charming and telling me how wonderful I was.

Wednesday night was different though. We had a drink and a chat and kissed on the sofa but he really didn't seem bothered as he doesn't seem interested in me (didn't ask me any questions) or flirt and kept looking at his watch but showed no sign of wanting to leave. I initiated all conversation and the kiss. We kissed for a while and he tried to do more but I stopped him. He did say he'd like to see me again but I don't know.

I suppose I just feel like I could be making a mistake and that he's just after one thing. He's a lot younger than me - 36 and single. He told me that he's got problems with his ex and his child as they split up last year and he's back with his parents now and I understand that the split was not at all amicable and his ex is very hostile towards him which worries me.

I feel like the connection that we had early on has gone and it's gone a bit flat iykwim.

I really want the 'old' him back not this 'new' version who is a bit too quiet and dispassionate. It all felt like going through the motions with no connection.

Anyway I'm rambling. Anyone have any ideas if I'm being taken advantage of?

I don't have great judgement when it comes to men and seem to attract the no-hopers. I'm hoping he isn't one of those but who knows. Am I wrong for trying to take it slow?

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 17/06/2016 10:43

Is he an agent and was there a sale in it for him that would make flirting a bit a good marketing move?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 17/06/2016 10:49

Not initiating any conversation and looking at his watch is extremely rude. Why on earth did you start snogging him after that carry on?

Oddsocksgalore · 17/06/2016 10:51

Looking at his watch as he had to get to his wife maybe.

lissage · 17/06/2016 10:53

So you two have been out for a drink together twice then he calls to your house on the off chance, by the way I read your post. He was looking for a shag.

If you're interested in something casual go for it. But it sounds like you're not.
I'd also recommend you to find out a lot more about the situation with his 'ex' . He wouldn't be the first chancer to lie about his current relationship status.

pinkyredrose · 17/06/2016 10:57

I think he just wanted sex and lost interest when you wouldn't give out. Move on, there's plenty of decent men out there.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 17/06/2016 10:59

He went from old (good) him to new (not so good) him far too quickly.

Send him on his way.

HarmlessChap · 17/06/2016 11:06

There could be all sorts of things going on.

  • He could be stressed by external things and not able to relax that day.
  • He could feel that blurring business and relationship lines is unprofessional and might cause trouble with his job. Making him wary.
  • He might not actually be single.
  • He might be liking the situation but feel that its moving a little quick or that he is being pursued and be a bit wary as a result.
  • He may not be that into you, but the fact that you are into him is an ego boost that he's happy to play along with while there is nobody better on the horizon.

My advice would be trust your gut, don't write him of just yet but if continues to come across as not that into you then stop there and then and don't dwell on what the reasons may have been.

TheNaze73 · 17/06/2016 11:08

I agree with pinky He sounds like he was just after sex

Original poster
singleandfabulous · 17/06/2016 11:11

LesisMiserable yes.

RunRabbit he only looked at his watch towards the end of the night (about 15 minutes before he left) but again, it's not something I'd do in company and it's an Apple watch so he gets e-mails etc on it too.

Oddsocks I've checked out his FB page, Twitter and YouTube channel and he does look single. No pictures of him with women or his son and his status is set at single.

Lissage He called around to my house at my invitation to drop something off and I invited him in for tea. He said he'd like to see me again and would get in touch but I've not heard from him since.

OP posts:
LineyReborn · 17/06/2016 11:13

Is he the seller or the agent?

Original poster
singleandfabulous · 17/06/2016 11:21

HarmlessChap I think your list is very sensible

  • He could be stressed by external things and not able to relax that day.
yes. he said that he's getting a huge amount of grief from his boss, even though his sales are up and thinks his boss has it in for him
  • He could feel that blurring business and relationship lines is unprofessional and might cause trouble with his job. Making him wary.
again, yes. he has mentioned that he's worried his boss will find out he's contacted me outside work and it will reflect unfavourably on him given the nature of their current relationship
  • He might not actually be single.
True. I only have his word and what I can find on social media
  • He might be liking the situation but feel that its moving a little quick or that he is being pursued and be a bit wary as a result.
Yes, I know men hate being pursued generally but that's my nature; I find it very hard to just sit back and wait for what I want
  • He may not be that into you, but the fact that you are into him is an ego boost that he's happy to play along with while there is nobody better on the horizon.
True. I'm a lot older than him and he may just see me as available and up for it.

I think I'll just play it by ear and not initiate any contact and play it cool if and when he does get in touch.

OP posts:
Original poster
singleandfabulous · 17/06/2016 11:22

LineyReborn He is the agent.

OP posts:
missybct · 17/06/2016 11:30

Honestly? I think you're being a bit OTT about it. You've met three times and you want the "old" him back? I'd say three meetings isn't nearly enough to decipher whether that was the old or new him - and like a PP said, he could have been after a leg over.

To be honest, it sounds like you have far more invested in this than he does, which will unbalance the way you feel about him and consequently, how you think he feels about you. It sounds as if you are dubious of him already if you're checking out his social media for hints of 'who he really is', which I think screams red flags - not necessarily just of him, but perhaps the over-investment you've made on this bloke after 3 dates.

I'd steer well clear, not just because he sounds like a bit of a rogue, but because I think you need to reevaluate not over-investing so soon.

(I'd also not bring any guy back to mine after 2 dates, but I wasn't sure if he already knew where you lived as a result of the B2L business)

lissage · 17/06/2016 11:34

"He called around to my house at my invitation to drop something off and I invited him in for tea. "

Right, so he saw it as an invitation for sex.
I'll say it again. If you're just after a casual thing carry on. But you already sound smitten.

Original poster
singleandfabulous · 17/06/2016 11:39

I agree, I am over invested and smitten.

Damn it! Grin

Right. I'll cool right off and start seeing other people I think as it's clear that this is not healthy.

OP posts:
MrsSpecter · 17/06/2016 11:46

Why bother trying to decode him?

Its been a few dates and he's shown his not so attractive colours. Dont waste time or emotional energy trying to work out why. His behaviour isnt appealing to you and its only date 3? It only gets worse after that you know. Date 3 he should be giving you his A game. If this is his A game, you dont want it. Bin him off, move on.

HarmlessChap · 17/06/2016 12:21

I've given this some more thought and, whatever else may be coming into play, the situation would not be good for the guy, ethically speaking.

As a potential buyer you are not the client, the clients are the owners of the houses. Starting a relationship with someone who is (or may end up) purchasing something from one of your clients creates a potential conflict of interests and something he ought to be upfront about with the sellers and his boss.

Whether there is any mileage in a relationship I can't say, but even if there is it could get seriously awkward for this guy if you two start dating properly while you are still house hunting and I'm sure he is very well aware of that.

juneau · 17/06/2016 12:24

I would back off. Most men (IME) actually prefer to do the chasing. So if you back off and he doesn't pursue then you have your answer.

LineyReborn · 17/06/2016 12:25

Yes, he needs to back off until the sale is completed.

Which is perhaps what he's doing.

Or he just be a knob.

Original poster
singleandfabulous · 17/06/2016 12:27

MrsSpecter yes, I thought so too - now should be 'A game' time not compaining and being distracted. I've also wondered if I'm not seeing the full picture (and why would I after such a short time) as he seems to be in conflict (or not liked) by several key people around him including colleagues, manager and ex which is never a good sign.

HarmlessChap Thanks, again very insightful. Perhaps I should have said. I told him at the beginning that I was happy being single and not looking for anything so doubt that he thinks I'm looking for a relationship. I just wanted ... a bit more than a shag basically. Too optimistic obviously.

OP posts:
Tiggeryoubastard · 17/06/2016 12:28

Honestly? You're a good option either way to him. A shag or commission or, best result, both.

easiersaidthandone · 17/06/2016 12:31

He's an agent so him being extremely very chatty and flirty, generally being charming and telling you how wonderful you are is not uncommon in that situation, flirting creates a connection and charm and flirting are effective sales tools (I hate it but it's true). It's win win for him if he manages to persuade you into a buy to let comission and a sale and to meet his needs in another way outside of work.

Have your meeting been social or business? You have met 3 times how many of them times has he brought up property letting business and things that you might be interested in business wise ie sales pitch?

I really want the 'old' him back not this 'new' version - Agree with missybct

three meetings isn't nearly enough to decipher whether that was the old or new him.

MrsSpecter · 17/06/2016 13:06

Just to add, when you do cool it off, dont be surprised if you get a text on friday/saturday nights after the clubs have closed or even before they close. All chatty, seeing if youre still up as he is passing your place and his mates abandoned him for their girlfriends and he doesnt feel like going back to his parents' place. Dont bite Wink

TheNaze73 · 17/06/2016 13:36

What's the age gap?

Original poster
singleandfabulous · 17/06/2016 14:11

Ha ha MrsSpecter That old chestnut. yes. I'm wary of that.

Meetings have been social and he's never bought up the buy to let, in fact he said there would be better offers elsewhere and told me where to look. He's always talked about his family, travel, past work or a sport he plays which is unusual, the usual social stuff really.

the age gap is 13 years!

OP posts: