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Original poster

I think I'm right not to tell him but opinions please (may be triggering)

80 replies

LesisMiserable · 15/06/2016 18:54

In a relationship for around 18 months now all good. DP is younger than me by six years - I am mid 40's. So DP are the same, never wanted children (should point out I have one DD who's 14, he has none) . DP has always stated as well that he believed himself to be pretty much infertile. All the time we have been together neither of us have used any protection, me believing age was firmly against conceiving couple with him saying he didn't think he was able to conceive.

I'm late.

Told DP as he was aware my period had not showed up. Although he's never wanted or had children his first reaction was one of elation really, he said just through pure ego that it turns out his swimmers were capable after all! However as stated, neither of us has any desire for a child together. It did cross my mind for a moment a fear that now he knew he was able to, he might run off and leave me for a younger model who he could have kids with - of course he said this would never happen (seen one or two of those threads though haven't we....)

The dilemma is this, I am going next week to take the pill to end the pregnancy - I am no more than a two maybe three weeks into it. Should I tell him the specifics of this or just tell him I have come on spontaneously? It seems kinder to do the latter as pointing out the former might be a blow to him even though he doesn't want children i.e. the one time he has 'managed' it it's going to be stopped in it's tracks. I know he isn't sentimental about it on the surface but people can have funny reactions can't they?

So my gut reaction is to just tell him I have come on my period myself (and of course put contraception into play now) and not tell him I've actually gone ahead and terminated the pregnancy by pill. I just think that will save him any "what if" type thoughts that he may not have even thought he was capable of having. Not saying he would, but just in case.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
Muddlewitch · 15/06/2016 19:28

You would hide the fact that he can have children, in case he decides he does want to have children? That's really really cruel and scarily insecure.

I agree with this. It is your body and your choice but I think you would be really unfair to hide the truth about his own fertility from him.

hmmmum · 15/06/2016 19:29

Having a lie like that always between you will affect your relationship. I just don't think you can hide something like that and continue to have a relationship that's healthy and intimate

BifsWif · 15/06/2016 19:29

You need to tell him. I can't really believe you're considering anything other, and to be honest I agree with PP who said that to lie to him would be incredibly cruel.

He thought he couldn't have children, turns out he can but you're thinking of lying and making him doubt his fertility again. That's wrong, on a lot of levels.

loveyoutothemoon · 15/06/2016 19:30

I would tell him. It's a massively deceitful.

How can it backfire if he told you he didn't want kids?

GloriaGaynor · 15/06/2016 19:33

You can do what you like with your body, but don't lie about it.

This is not a lie for the 'right reasons', it's insecurity and manipulation.

To not let someone know that they could bear children? To deny them the opportunity for something so fundamental? To be so insecure in your relationship as to dupe a man into staying with you?

He says he doesn't want kids so trust him.

If a man came on here and knew, say from a doctor, that his partner was not infertile as she thought, and he withheld that info, who here would think that was ok?

And beware, truth will always out.

Goingtobeawesome · 15/06/2016 19:36

I feel uncomfortable about lying about a termination. Feels very unfair and totally wrong.

Original poster
LesisMiserable · 15/06/2016 19:36

Sorry I should clarify - yes it's confirmed and he knows and we already both agreed early doors we don't want children so in the event of this happening (although it seemed unlikely) we knew what the outcome would be but probably just both assumed it was a moot point. It's just the actual confirmation that I am indeed going to go in on Monday and take the pill and end it as opposed to just coming on next week which will be happen naturally so the outcome the same either way - there will be no baby. We really really are on same page about it and maybe I'm overthinking it - I just feel he might feel a bit sad at the reality of purposely ending it as opposed to nature taking its course , so is it better to believe the latter?. Sorry, not explaining well at all.

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 15/06/2016 19:37

Tell him.
He sounds on board anyway.

Original poster
LesisMiserable · 15/06/2016 19:39

I hear the consensus.

OP posts:
Muddlewitch · 15/06/2016 19:39

He knows it's confirmed? So how are you going to pretend you just came on? Are you going to pretend to miscarry?

You need to tell him the truth, it will destroy you both otherwise.

GloriaGaynor · 15/06/2016 19:43

Of course it's not better for him to believe he's infertile after all.

Original poster
LesisMiserable · 15/06/2016 19:43

It's only a couple of weeks Muddle could be three and half at most.

OP posts:
Cheapthrills · 15/06/2016 19:47

If he knows you're pregnant then you can't just 'come on.'

Original poster
LesisMiserable · 15/06/2016 19:49

No Gloria he knows he's not now. This is a case of him never wanting children. But will the reality of actually actively terminating his child he didn't until now know he could have be damaging to him? That's my point. I'm worried that it will actually hurt him because his reaction to the news that I had tested positive was basically as if England had won the Euros. He was elated and as he said its just a male ego thing. Regardless of the fact he doesn't want kids it was still nice for him to know he could. I guess I just have to trust him at his word as PP say . It just seems unnecessarily harsh to furnish him with the technical details of taking a pill and undoing it. Does that make sense ?

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 15/06/2016 19:49

I think Les is considering to pretend she miscarried spontaneously.

Don't do it for all the above mention ethnical reasons.
But also, in the unlikely event that you have complications at home, he needs to know what's actually going on to be able to help you or even inform others.

Original poster
LesisMiserable · 15/06/2016 19:50

No obviously, the pill makes you miscarry so you would in effect, come on straight away. That's what I've read.

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 15/06/2016 19:50

x-post with you

Original poster
LesisMiserable · 15/06/2016 19:50

That's true Pacific

OP posts:
PacificDogwod · 15/06/2016 19:51

My knowledge may well be out of date, but is it not 2 doses of tablets?
There can be considerable cramping and bleeding associated with it.

Original poster
LesisMiserable · 15/06/2016 19:53

Yes apparently on oral and then one inserted a couple of days later by the clinic or at home.

OP posts:
Original poster
LesisMiserable · 15/06/2016 19:54

Thank you all btw. I know you're morally right.

OP posts:
Monroe · 15/06/2016 19:57

How long ago did you confirm it with him? Apart from being elated did he not say anything more? It's such a massive thing it's strange you haven't already had the "what do we do next" conversation. Have you not discussed it together at all?

Original poster
LesisMiserable · 15/06/2016 20:01

I told him on Sunday. Tbh his reaction took me back a bit which is why I'm a bit thrown now. I thought he'd be horrified. We'be always both said from the outset we would never want children so as I say til now it was a moot point. I think I just said something like "so obviously I 'll get that sorted out " (which sounds really cold and matter of fact I know) and he said "well let me know what's happening". And that was kind of it.

OP posts:
0dfod · 15/06/2016 20:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

whattheseithakasmean · 15/06/2016 20:13

I think you are trying to kid yourself you want to lie to him to protect him, I think you need to be honest with yourself about your motives for this. It sounds like you are scared he will decide he does want children and may leave you in future.

You cannot mantain a strong and happy long term relationship, if you feel you have to lie to keep someone. That is not love, that is control. If you love him, tell him the truth. If you just want to control him, tell a lie. Your call, but don't pretend it was for his sake. He is an equal adult, he is entitled to his feelings. It is all a bit 'I know what is best for you'. Scarily controlling, actually.

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