I think I'm right not to tell him but opinions please (may be triggering)

[LesisMiserable]

In a relationship for around 18 months now all good. DP is younger than me by six years - I am mid 40's. So DP are the same, never wanted children (should point out I have one DD who's 14, he has none) . DP has always stated as well that he believed himself to be pretty much infertile. All the time we have been together neither of us have used any protection, me believing age was firmly against conceiving couple with him saying he didn't think he was able to conceive.

I'm late.

Told DP as he was aware my period had not showed up. Although he's never wanted or had children his first reaction was one of elation really, he said just through pure ego that it turns out his swimmers were capable after all! However as stated, neither of us has any desire for a child together. It did cross my mind for a moment a fear that now he knew he was able to, he might run off and leave me for a younger model who he could have kids with - of course he said this would never happen (seen one or two of those threads though haven't we....)

The dilemma is this, I am going next week to take the pill to end the pregnancy - I am no more than a two maybe three weeks into it. Should I tell him the specifics of this or just tell him I have come on spontaneously? It seems kinder to do the latter as pointing out the former might be a blow to him even though he doesn't want children i.e. the one time he has 'managed' it it's going to be stopped in it's tracks. I know he isn't sentimental about it on the surface but people can have funny reactions can't they?

So my gut reaction is to just tell him I have come on my period myself (and of course put contraception into play now) and not tell him I've actually gone ahead and terminated the pregnancy by pill. I just think that will save him any "what if" type thoughts that he may not have even thought he was capable of having. Not saying he would, but just in case.

Thoughts?

[Thisismyfirsttime]

It sounds like you're worried that he 'didn't want' children because he thought he was infertile and therefore couldn't have them to soften the blow so to speak? And now he knows he can it might open him up to the idea but you know you don't want them no matter what which is why you're worried about him leaving?
I think he needs to know, whether you now tell him you've miscarried or aborted he knows he's fertile. If he decides he does want children after all with his new found knowledge and he thinks you've miscarried he might want to open up the conversation about trying for a baby, I think if he knows you've terminated he'll know where you stand on it completely. I do think you should have a proper conversation with him before you do it though, so you both know what the other wants definitively. Obviously it's your body so if he was all for it and you are not you can and should do what's right for you.

[Monroe]

Well, he asked you to let him know what was happening so tell him.

"I've decided to see the gp to arrange to get the tablets, I thought this would be the most straight forward solution given what we'd always agreed on in the past, what do you think?" And see what he says. Plus you might want him around for support depending on how you are feeling. Good luck

[Blistory]

I think I'm reading the OP differently. He knows your pregnant, he knows you intend to have a termination ? But you think, because he reacted so differently than anticipated to the news, that he might not be as okay with the termination as he's previously implied. So you are trying to save him from the guilt/knowledge that the pregnancy has been deliberately ended by a decision you both made and save yourself from the possibility that he may blame you for it subsequently ?

If you have a miscarriage then there is no prospect of him blaming you/himself for the 'what if' ?

[AliceInUnderpants]

If you told him nearly a week ago that you'd confirmed a pregnancy after a missing period, you're more than "a couple of weeks" pregnant

[GloriaGaynor]

Oh I misunderstood your earlier post, I thought you meant you'd confirmed that you would have a termination if you were pregnant.

[Cabrinha]

I don't understand how he could both not want children, and think himself infertile.
Surely the usual way you find out that you're infertile is by trying to have children?
Something doesn't quite add up there.

Anyway, he says he doesn't want them, he knows you're pregnant, he didn't react badly to you saying you would "sort it". So Ibdon't see what the issue is here - have the abortion, and carry on. But with contraception.

[LesisMiserable]

Blistory I think you've hit in on the head there. Alice I told him on Sunday (as in 4 days ago) I was on holiday the tail end of May (without him) so it would be either directly before that or immediately after that, so a matter of a few weeks.
Cabrinha we met online and when we first met for the first month or so we chatted I never mentioned having a DD. I didn't think it was anything to do with him unless he was going to be a real prospect for the future. On our second date he made a comment about "i think it's good in a way neither of us have children as it's kind of a level playing field and just about us" (His previous two serious relationships were both with women with children) . At this point I obviously took the bull by the horns and fessed up. We began a conversation whereby he told me he himself had never wanted children but had obviously bonded somewhat with his previous partner's children. Then he said both of his serious exes had wanted to have children with him, with one he had tried but not the other one. He said the first ex had phoned him some time after they'd split to gloat that she was pregnant by her new partner "something he could never do" and as he has had different partners over the years and never had so much as a scare he really believed he was infertile. I do believe him that he's never wanted children as despite having a DD who I of course adore, I am not a naturally maternal person, have never felt broody ever and if I had not fell by accident I don't think I would ever had planned a pregnancy as the thought of a baby never appealed to me in any way.

The issue is that I'm probably overthinking what he may or may not feel like following ultimately me making the decision to go ahead with it. He doesn't seem to horrified that I am pregnant and that's surprised me.

[whattheseithakasmean]

It is your decision what you do about your pregnancy. It is his decision how he feels about it. You are both equal partners here, you don't get to decide and also ensure he feels how you want him to, by means of deception, he is allowed to feel how he wants. But equally, you are entitled to his support in your decision. If you think he may leave you if you terminate, or try and stop you, then the relationship was never worth much anyway. Better to kick him to the kerb now than try & keep him with a lie.

[LesisMiserable]

No I'm not worried he'll leave I'm really not. I'm worried it will mean more to him than he thinks but you're right he has every right to process it however he feels and I just need to be honest about it and deal with it accordingly

Thank you all

[HermioneJeanGranger]

I think it's awful you're considering lying to him about this, tbh.

You need to tell him how you feel. Having an abortion (or not) is your choice but he has a right to know what's happening.

[AJ279]

I agree that it is ultimately your choice and I'm sorry but I think the fact you're actually considering lying to him about this is disgusting.

He's not a one night stand, he's your partner. He deserves the truth. I hope you manage to sort things, I really do, and I'm not trying to be mean. But that is a massive lie to tell.

[whattheseithakasmean]

Well done OP, I agree, he is entitled to process this experience and I hope he is supportive of you and your relationship is strengthened, by sharing the hard times with him as well as the good. I hope it all works out for you.

[CalleighDoodle]

You should be honest.

[BeYourselfUnlessUCanBeAUnicorn]

Echo what everyone else said, you can't lie about this. That would be awful.

[SandyY2K]

Be sure you're pregnant first. You would not be given the pills unless they did a test first anyway.

You need to stay in the clinic for a few hours until it has passed through you and the nurses verify this.

If you take those pills the pain is much more than a normal period and he'll probably twig that something is wrong.

The cramping lasts a couple of days and ideally you'd take time off work.

[Beefles]

I'm not sure if anyone else has said this but if he has assigned himself to not wanting kids to ease the pain of thinking he can't have them then telling him you came on will reinforce that he can't have kids when you know he can. If nether of you want kids he will support you and stay with you. If he does and you don't then you can't begrudge him finding someone who wants what he wants and he cannot stop you taking that pill if another child is not what you want. But, it sounds like neither of you want kids and he was just feeling proud (because being infertile can often feel pretty emasculating at times) but I feel like it would be best for you to be honest with him and let him talk about it to you.

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

its too massive a deal to lie about OP

[HuskyLover1]

So, he told you he was infertile (even though he had no medical confirmation of this).

Then he gets you pregnant.

His reaction is "elation" that he has "swimmers", rather than :

a) being very sorry that he misled you, about his fertility

b) being horrified at the situation that you now face, in having to endure a termination, which is painful and emotionally difficult.

c) being upset that he has created a life, that now needs to be terminated, because he was complacent about contraception.

He doesn't sound much of a catch to me, tbh.

And you are now contemplating having an abortion, and then lying and telling him it was a miscarriage? Seriously?

And, I don't understand why you think "miscarrying", will make him think he is infertile, when he already knows you got pregnant?

Anyway, fwiw, I say be truthful, or you will have to live with this massive lie for the rest of your life. If he buggers off, so be it, at least your conscience is clear.

[Toxicity]

Totally agree with HuskyLover1

[Desmondo2016]

Am I missing something? It sounds like he would consider keeping it and you don't want it so are going to abort it without telling him. How absolutely horrendous a thing to even consider. If you'd wanted it and he's be 'forcing ' you to abort there's be an outcry!

Man up. Talk to him, he's your partner fgs - tell him what you're going to do at the very least. How could you even contemplate faking a miscarriage?

[StickTheDMWhereTheSunDontShine]

Glad you hear the consensus. There really is no alternative but to talk with him about this like a grown up.

[LesisMiserable]

I'm not in any way trying make him think he's infertile by have a 'miscarriage' (that makes no sense at all). The fact is I'm quite pragmatic about this and already have a child. He has been too - about in the event of it (which to him seemed very remote ) but in the actual reality of it I'm worried it will upset him and yes have a knock on effect on us. But yes, I'm seeing tonight and will speak to him. Thanks all x

[iremembericod]

It sounds like this might be a bigger problem than it first appears.

He was elated to find out you were pregnant.

He had 'ishoos' around his fertility and a humiliating experience from an ex and so took the defensive route and said "I don't want kids"

Turns out he actually does

But hes with someone who doesn't and is about to abort a child he thought he could never have.

You must be honest here. You have not changed your position.

I think it will unravel that his position has changed drastically because it was never really his true position and that does spell trouble for your relationship.

#armchairpsychology

[HandyWoman]

You're worried that the reality of it would upset him? I'm gobsmacked. Of course it will upset him! It is upsetting to terminate a pregnancy. It's also upsetting to be lied to about something like this and find out further down the track. Huskylover sums it up for me... Being grown up means having difficult conversations. Honestly there's an awful lot of big decisions being made on the basis of assumptions here... It's all a bit 'teenage' really. I hope you can be honest, OP.

[velourvoyageur]

If someone lied to me like that about my child I would never trust them again. Your decision to end it obviously, but to then lie about it? Wow. Could not carry on in a relationship if I found that out. Why don't you respect him enough to let him in on the truth.