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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

When did you know your marriage was over?

71 replies

Mermaidsdonthaveathighgap · 14/06/2016 21:04

I have been with DH for 5 years and we have the most beautiful DS. However I think I have fallen out of love with DH, I feel like I can't do this anymore and would be better off alone. It's so difficult though because he is not a bad person. When I married him I really wanted it to be forever.

I don't really know how to articulate how I feel. But I feel like he adds to my stress and I feel that he is like having another child rather than a husband. He lies about things which may seem quite trivial to others but not so much to me. He also relies on me to organise everything, he can't even change a lightbulb. We have had no light bulbs in the hallway for 6 months now. I realise I could have a go myself, but maybe he could too. He also doesn't put DH nappy on properly, I have shown him so many times but he just doesn't listen.

It's sounds silly but I'm in such a state because I find him so frustrating and don't like him and don't want to continue the relationship, but he's not an awful person so I don't want to do the wrong thing.

Just to add we are going to counselling, which just seems to cost a lot of money and cause a lot of arguments.

OP posts:

pocketsaviour · 14/06/2016 21:07

When he went away for a week and I felt happier and less stressed than I had in several years.

MyPoorBelly · 14/06/2016 21:18

When I realised I deserved to have a partner who wanted to be with me, found me attractive, wanted sex with me and didn't see me as a nuisance.

intheairthatnightfernando · 14/06/2016 21:25

When he told me unequivocally he was going. And I realised I could not only survive it, but I could make it work for me and the kids.

Joy69 · 14/06/2016 21:28

When I realised that I was just a glorified Nanny & housekeeper & was told if I wanted help with the housework that if my job paid as many as his, he'd give up work & do it.
Oh & when the only times we went out was when I organised it, together with the childcare & we still ended up with 'The lads'.
And the little affair that lasted 3.5 years.
Love being single

Optimist1 · 14/06/2016 21:28

When shortly after our 25th wedding anniversary I was invited to attend a friend's parents' 65th anniversary and I realised that there was potentially another 40 years ahead of me in what had become a love-free marriage.

Ineedmorelemonpledge · 14/06/2016 21:57

When I ended up on anti depressants and off work sick with stress (I actually stopped producing adrenaline and ended up like a zombie) because his constant lying had affected me mentally, financially and in the end physically.

Oddsocksgalore · 14/06/2016 22:00

When he was shagging me and I looked at him and my skin crawled.

SauvignonPlonker · 14/06/2016 22:04

When I wished he would just die

category12 · 14/06/2016 22:11

When it dawned on me that I could not only manage on my own, but I could do better for me and the kids without him.

Original poster

Mermaidsdonthaveathighgap · 14/06/2016 22:12

Omg some of these things are really awful. I feel so silly that feeling unsupported and being lied to is enough to want to be alone.

OP posts:

LellyMcKelly · 14/06/2016 22:15

When I found his Brighton Pride wristband...

Eey0reandp00bear2 · 14/06/2016 22:18

When I couldn't wait for him to leave the house then dreaded him coming back and when i just stopped caring. Love life on my own with dcs now:)

Eminado · 14/06/2016 22:20

Dont feel awful Mermaid, your reasons are valid.

A man failing to put on a nappy over and over again, assuming he is NT, is something that would make my heart shrivel up and die.

thiswould · 14/06/2016 22:22

When I just thought I had a big dependent baby in the house. Similar to your lightbulb actually.

No ambition at all. Loser.

themostinterestinglife · 14/06/2016 22:25

When I was suffering from post natal depression after a traumatic birth and started self harming to the point of bleeding. One night he saw me self harm, rolled over in bed, turned his back on me and went to sleep. I went on self harming for over two years before I found the courage to go to my GP for help. When I also finally found the courage to ask my then husband why he did nothing when he saw me self harm, he said it was nothing to do with him and if he ever saw anyone in trouble it was their problem to sort it, not his. I printed and filed the divorce papers within a week of that conversation.

RiceCrispieTreats · 14/06/2016 22:32

feeling unsupported and being lied to are plenty valid reasons.

RiceCrispieTreats · 14/06/2016 22:42

and frankly you don't need any other reason than: "I no longer want to be in this marriage."

FreeFromHarm · 14/06/2016 22:54

when he punched me in the stomach 3 days after giving birth to twins , one was stillborn .
Everyone has a valid reason, if you do not love him, do not waste anymore precious time, be happy with your Ds, life is to short X

Morasssassafras · 14/06/2016 23:00

When I realised that if I stayed he would end up hitting me and would probably kill me.

Probably a good idea to leave way before that point. If I could have my time again I would leave when I realised he was repeatedly lying to me.

The only reason you need to leave is that you are not happy

PortiaCastis · 14/06/2016 23:13

When he attacked me and I had facial injuries. I had tried to get him to stop drinking but he was addicted. He came home drunk and I shouted at him so he resorted to violence. I called the police and they arrested him.
Now divorced.
OP only you know if you can stay with your dh but if you are unhappy all the time maybe there is a better life for you.

Lonecatwithkitten · 14/06/2016 23:18

When in mediation I stated that I had condition, which was he gave up seeing the OW. He said he wouldn't.

As he had been the one that had initiated mediation the mediator say there open mouth in shock.

mushroomsontoast · 14/06/2016 23:25

When he came home from a work night out with a love bite.

As an aside, it is really easy to change a light bulb. Just take it out, find out what type it is, and buy the same one from the supermarket. This also applies to mowing the lawn, putting up shelves, taking the bins out... I much prefer life on my own.

MrsTerryPratchett · 15/06/2016 05:34

There were so many little things. So I deadlined him. In my head I gave him six months to change. I gave him every chance and I couldn't make it past 3 months. He didn't care any more and neither did I.

I came home after we had broken up and he was asleep in a chair in his clothes from the night before, smelling of drink and I thought, "you're not my problem any more".

If you don't want to be with him any more, you don't have to be.

TheNaze73 · 15/06/2016 07:29

When I thought, that if they pissed off with someone else, I'd have been more relieved than any other emotion

ZestyMaximus · 15/06/2016 08:40

When I realised that our life together would be full of regrets of things never done / accomplished because he lacked my ambition. After a mostly sexless 6 years together. When I realised that I no longer needed (or wanted ) my 'safe' option. Lovely, kind guy but zero spark or ambition.

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