my dh left on the weekend but now he wants to come back and I'm so confused

[cloneroom]

I have posted before about my dh. On the weekend he left and has been sleeping at his office tbh it's been a relief. The last couple of days there have been no moods no someone coming on at midnight.

He is coming back tonight (he's run out of clothes) and I just feel really worried as deflated.
I feel really confused about things because I don't feel like I want to split up with him but at the same time I feel like I don't want him here because things are less stressful.

To be fair if it was permanent he wasn't here things would quickly become more stressful because of money etc! But I hope you understand what I am saying!

I just feel so sad at the moment and I just don't know what to do or how to work out how I even feel. ?

"I don't feel like I want to split up with him but at the same time I feel like I don't want him here because things are less stressful."

It's understandable you're sad and confused about the end of the relationship, but it does sound as if it's run its course. Being together is not supposed to be stressful; I know the difference between dreading hearing that key in the door vs being happy someone has come home, and believe me you want the happy feeling!

Give yourself a bit of time - but do start thinking hard about finances if it turns out to be a permanent split.

Purple the thing is he seems to think he's just gone away for a break from us - to have a relax . He's been ordering takeaway and watching films I think! I don't even know what he is expecting to happen tonight whether I am supposed to be welcoming him back .

So is he only returning for a place to sleep?

I don't know he needs more clothes he said I assume he will be staying the night.

We did talk about the possibility of him staying. Away in the week and coming here for weekends.

I'm not sure what kind of relationship he is expecting from that although he has an appointment for a vasectomy on Saturday so I assume he's thinking it would be still an"married" relationship but with him just elsewhere during the week?

Name change fail !

What do YOU want from him OP cos it looks like he's holding all the cards, has all the control and is doing god know's what where, coming back when he feels like it - you know this is not a relationship right?

To be totally honest it would be fab if life could just continue like this but him paying the rent but not actually living here seems unreasonable.

Either that or if he could control his moods a bit more

Well now you know he has a place to go tell him to piss off there when his moods start. Really you need to look into long term money as it sounds as if things are naturally ending. Yes you both may limp along for a bit but that isn't sustainable.

well, the bottom line is, either the relationship is over, or it is salvageable.

If you are not sure, have you thought about getting some help? Relate or similar?
because I don't think you sound happy for it to drift on with him dropping in and out.

At the very least, you both need some time to talk things through.

In the meantime, think about what you would want to change in order for life to be fun again.
If he will sit down and talk, ask him to do the same - what would make life fun again for us as a couple?

I think for things to be "ok" he would have to be less moody and controlling. I am sick of him throwing things because he lost at a game or just ruining everyone day because he doesn't want to get up. I was trying to find a post I did about him so you can see the background but I can't seem to search which is annoying.

Whose idea was it that he can only be there at the weekend? And why? Is it to make major long distance travel easier for work or just so he can have his cake and eat it?

To be totally honest it was mine. I can't explain it properly but I just don't feel relaxed and safe when he's here and it felt like a good way to have a break.

On the weekend he lost his temper at a game and threw the mouse across the room - it's a little thing but it narrowly missed my 7 month old and I just felt like no that's it. I knew I couldn't tell him to leave he wouldn't go so I came up with a "plan" with him - he has been really stressed about work so he(me) suggested that he go and spend the nights there so he can relax and get more done without worrying about us.

It sounds stupid but he packed up and left

It really wasn't a Little thing that happened at the weekend! Imagine if it had hit your baby - doesn't bear thinking about. You seem to be minimising his temper by saying it sounds stupid.

He sounds like a childish thug and one that is abusive. He deserves to be kicked out and I'm not surprised you don't feel safe. Please consider telling him not to bother coming back for your baby's sake

I have spoken to him today and said that I think things have been happier here without him. I also told him that I don't think I can forgive him for the way he has treated me in the past. But the whole thing just seems to go over his head!

You sound like you really want to end thjngs OP but maybe don't feel you have the strength to be firm with him or are too afraid. Right now, you've managed to get him out of the house but if he comes home it will probably just return to the status quo, but next time it will be harder to get him out because even though you say it just goes over his head, he heard you. He's just choosing not to take any notice.

What time is he coming home?
Would you consider getting the locks changed? Or calling womens aid?
How do you feel he would react if you sent him a message telling him categorically not to come home?

Argh I finally found my earlier post but I'm on the app and don't know how to get the link . it's in AIBU and called AIBU to think dh is still punishing me for pregnancy .

Frazzled - he wouldn't react well. I can't really change the locks as we rent the house .

Definitely not a little thing, he could have seriously maimed your child with that, idiot, bully and no good for you or your child OP, please tell him to stay away full time, I am sure you will be happier, you said it was your idea to help him de stress, I think you need to be honest and tell him you don't feel safe with him around.

Love - he is an abuser. I am sure without him you would be entitled to benefits to help you support yourself, plus he would need to pay maintenance too.

When my baby was tiny my ex did a similar act - I minimised it for years and put up with his moods and temper. I wish in hindsight I had been brave enough to get rid after that first incident. These men don't change, they may stem the violence but I was emotionally and financially abused for years. He just about broke me and my DC has suffered as a result and now has no contact with him. Please do not minimise what he has done. And I would suggest counselling for yourself too. I still get flashbacks and have awful nightmares. You don't forget that type of behaviour, you really don't.

He has never hit anyone or threatened anyone but I do see what you mean. It's just walking on egg shells all the time waiting to see what mood he's in

Well he is coming home tonight he said to sort things out . It's just really hard to say what I actually mean to him.

Pearlman that's pretty much what he did before just everyday

It appears that you posted this thread on AIBU today - is there another? www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/2661509-aibu-to-have-walked-out-of-the-doctors-crying-today