Husband of 25 years says he does not love me and does not want to stay married to me.I am devastated

[suffolklass]

Just before Easter my husband told me he didn't love me.He wasn't sure if he wanted to stay married.He wasn't going to tell me until after our daughter's A level exams this month.We have been together for 31 years ,married for 25 ( 25th anniversary was in May.)We are both 50 yrs old.I have had 3 bouts of depression in the last 12 yrs.The most recent being from nov 15 to March 16.My husband says he is tired of looking after me.He doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with someone who isn't "alive"He has a very active social life revolving around music and sport. He has refused to talk or engage with me as why he doesn't love me.He says he just woke up one day and a switch had gone off.He has been a very good husband and father.There have been no problems he wasn't willing to tackle.But now he says he can't fix me. He has gone from being loving and kind to basically an ogre.He won't touch me even just to hug.He rubbishes what i say and has no time for anything i say.He says he won't make a decision about staying until after 23rd June.The last couple of months have been hell.I have tried not to provoke him or keep questioning him.He says he doesn't know how he feels except yesterday when he said nothing had changed for him and he still didn't love me.I am devasted.I don't know what to do.I don't want to be separated or unmarried .

None of us honestly know why this has happened, OP, we are just reaching our own conclusions from the few words you have said here. Personally I do find it hard to live with someone who is depressed and I say that as a depressive myself.

You say you don't want to be single or divorced but really it can be great. I have been single for a long time now and a man would have be absolutely perfect for me to give up my freedom now.

Where does it say that, Stoic?

Oh dear.

Maybe your DH is depressed himself Suffolk? It's not unheard of.

You'll be better off without him I'd say. Three bouts of depression sounds like a lot. I wonder will you feel a lot better without him?

Can you go to your GP and get tested for mineral and vitamin deficiency. Also for hormone levels. It might be that you need HRT or thyroid medication rather than ads?

I think you're in shock for now, is there any way you can be signed off work? Also I agree it sounds like he's made plans to be somewhere else, so I'd accecpt that and get in contact with a solicitor.

I'm sorry this is happening to you right now, and wish you and your dd all the best.

Id wish your DH all the best, but I think he knows how to look after number one, without my good wishes.
I do think he could have kept a lid on it for another few weeks, and also to have offered more of an explaintion for your mental health and closure than that old chestnut "I don't love you anymore".

Maybe he'd agree to a mediated separation, it would give you an opportunity to off load how you feel, hear his side, and let him know his cruelty is unacceptable. The mediator will insist on kindness and respect.

I'm my experiences, life is never how we think it will be anyhow- relying on a certain outcome brings unhappiness. Being open to life's changes and opportunities is a happier way of looking at things. Nothing in life is predictable actually.

Good luck.

I've been there OP and completely understand your grief and fear for the future, but you will get through it.

I think you need to accept that he is leaving. It doesn't matter that you don't want it to happen, start hardening your heart and getting practical.

The thing that helped me most was seeing a solicitor and establishing what I was entitled to take from the marriage, and doing a benefits/tax credits calculation online. I sat down and worked out my future income and expenditure and knew that I would be okay financially. I started to plan where I would live, how my home would operate and all of this seemed to take the fear away.

Then, in ten days, with your ducks in a row, start telling people. You will be swamped with support and this kindness and friendship will help : you won't be married, but you won't be alone.

You will be okay I promise. You won't have him, but then why would you want him now? Think of all his bad points and the things you won't miss at all!

Sorry to hear this has happened to you OP

Please don't go down the dark imaginings route just yet, easy to say I know, but there are a thousand experiences on here and not all of them fit your situation.

Your DD is the important one at the moment. Her exams are the goal to focus on. Get her through those then deal with the rest of it. His timing is shit but he's right in that you both need to hold it together for her right now.

Sounds like you've both been unhappy for a long time and it's finally come to a head. Your own mental health is an indication that all isn't right, this maybe a chance to heal yourself and the underlying issues that have been plaging you.

Whilst his explanation may not be sufficient it might just be how he feels. It's horrible and will leave a lot of questions unanswered but breakups are like that. Messy and often leave unfinished business.

How are you doing? Have you managed to sleep and eat? You've had a massive body blow it's bound to take its toll on you.

I think you should concentrate on yourself right now. Concentrate on your health and wellbeing and leave him to make whatever choice he will.

Don't engage with him and just get on with daily life being civil with him. If you can get support from a close friend or family member and keep yourself busy as much as possible, whilst supporting your DD. I have a DD doing exams as well.

If before now he was a good husband, then it's plausible that he simply doesn't have the tools within him to deal with your depression. Of course it hurts like hell, but we can't determine what others can do.

My own dad suffered with cancer and had a few complications that impacted on my mum. She took on quite a lot that I won't go into, but I can guarantee if it was mum who was ill like that my dad could not have done for her what she did and continues to do for him following the surgery and chemo. He just couldn't do it.

When I say this to him he just says your mum is one in a million.

I'm not sure the angry posts are helpful. We do nt know he has a ow, he may simply be unhappy.

Women are encouraged on this site to leave marriages if their not happy, but when men do leaving is described as selfish.

Living with a depressive is difficult, he may not be able to take it any more. Try and think what it was like for him.

Very true Northern. There does seem to be a terrible double standard here quite often.

If a woman came here saying she couldn't deal with her DHs illness anymore, she'd be told to leave the marriage.

Depression is difficult to go through, but it's also very hard for those who live with you, especially your spouse.

Sorry you are going through this. It was a very cruel thing he did to say what he did and then leave you hanging, I understand about the A levels but what he should have done was to say nothing until those were out the way.

Can I ask the causes of your depression if you know them? Have you been in counselling?

He is such a douche, telling you 2 weeks in advance that he intends to go. Grim. Especially knowing that you have depression.

It does sound as if it's definitely run its course - he's trying very hard not to give you the impression that it can be salvaged - so as a pp said, I'd spend the next ten days making plans, talking to a solicitor etc. Confide in a couple of close friends. Get out and about as much as you can. See your GP too, explain what's happening.

You deserve better than this, and at 50 you've heaps of time. Statistically, you will live for another 40 years. Don't waste one more year on this man.

Could you maybe hear from a friend who urgently needs your help on the other side of the country for two weeks? Or could he suddenly be called away on business?

Being separated is so much better than living like that. Seriously. It is hard to cope with your life being uprooted but it is the start of a whole new life. One which could even turn out to be far nicer. (My husband did just this*. It was horrible.)

• and the MN affair brigade was right in my case

surely its kinder to give notice rather than to walk out one day without any pior warning there's a problem ?

Prior warning is "I think we may need counselling" not "I have decided I am leaving on 23 June and you have no choice but to live with me until then as anything else means you are a bad mother".

Wouldn't it be more cruel to give the other person hope though by suggesting counselling if you're 100% sure you don't want to be in the relationship anymore?

I'm not sure there is a right way to leave a relationship if one person wants to end it and the other doesn't. It's always going to result in pain, confusion and a sense of injustice.

Prior warning is "I think we may need counselling"

Actually it isn't. If you've decided to leave why have counselling, that's just waste of time and money.

Counselling doesn't make you love someone again once your mind is made up.

You may suggest counselling if you want to save the marriage and in this case he doesn't want that.

It's sad for the OP of course, but there's no nice way to leave someone when they still love you.

Once you've made up your mind it is too late for that, yes. But you don't just go from love to "definitely want to leave" overnight. There's a period in between when you grow apart, and that would be the time for counselling.
Having said that I know how hard it can be to realise when your relationship is in danger.