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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband of 25 years says he does not love me and does not want to stay married to me.I am devastated

41 replies

suffolklass · 12/06/2016 21:17

Just before Easter my husband told me he didn't love me.He wasn't sure if he wanted to stay married.He wasn't going to tell me until after our daughter's A level exams this month.We have been together for 31 years ,married for 25 ( 25th anniversary was in May.)We are both 50 yrs old.I have had 3 bouts of depression in the last 12 yrs.The most recent being from nov 15 to March 16.My husband says he is tired of looking after me.He doesn't want to spend the rest of his life with someone who isn't "alive"He has a very active social life revolving around music and sport. He has refused to talk or engage with me as why he doesn't love me.He says he just woke up one day and a switch had gone off.He has been a very good husband and father.There have been no problems he wasn't willing to tackle.But now he says he can't fix me. He has gone from being loving and kind to basically an ogre.He won't touch me even just to hug.He rubbishes what i say and has no time for anything i say.He says he won't make a decision about staying until after 23rd June.The last couple of months have been hell.I have tried not to provoke him or keep questioning him.He says he doesn't know how he feels except yesterday when he said nothing had changed for him and he still didn't love me.I am devasted.I don't know what to do.I don't want to be separated or unmarried .

OP posts:

LyndaNotLinda · 12/06/2016 21:27

I'm so very sorry. I'm not surprised you're devastated :(

It sounds like he's being very cruel. Have you had no indication in the past that things were awry?

Puff42 · 12/06/2016 21:46

I'm so sorry. Have you spoken to any friends or family about this?

Hillfarmer · 12/06/2016 21:52

Your husband needs to do more than tell you he doesn't love you, he needs to do something about it. It is cruel to say he doesn't love you and then continue to live with you and treat you with contempt. What is his plan then What's he going to do about it? Why don't you make his decision for him?

If he's told you he doesn't love you and withdraws all affection, then he needs to go and live somewhere else. He is being psychologically abusive to you if he rubbishes what you say and judges you for having depression then he really can fuck the fuck off! Ok so he says he's going to make up his mind by June 23rd. Tell him to go and make his decision somewhere else and come back to you when he's got the grace to tell you.

He behaviour is disgusting. You sound very down and like a kicked dog. Can this dog not muster a little growl? I have tried not to provoke him or keep questioning him... why not provoke away. Scream, shout, pack him a bag and tell him to shit or get off the pot. Tell him to go and examine his festering navel somewhere where you can't see him!

Doesn't matter if you're depressed or whatever... you do not deserve this. Don't let him convince you that you do! Good luck.

Minime85 · 12/06/2016 22:06

I'm so sorry. He sounds very cruel and different to how you say he has been in the marriage. Have you tried to talk about what may happen after the 23rd?

LaurieFairyCake · 12/06/2016 22:09

Hold on - I assume he's staying so as not to affect your child's exams - not cruelty?

It sounds like it's over , so sorry for you

Jemmima · 12/06/2016 22:09

It sounds like your husband has had his head turned by another and wants another life.

ImperialBlether · 12/06/2016 22:13

I'm so sorry you've had such a shock.

I think that when children leave home it's often time when people reassess their lives and wonder whether to stay in their relationship. We see it on here all the time. It sounds as though this is what he's doing.

Is your daughter aware of what's going on?

IDismyname · 12/06/2016 22:14

I know some more wise MNetters will be along to advise you - many of them have been where you are. They will have heaps of good advice. Meanwhile, go through all the paperwork concerning the finances, and get yourself to a solicitor tomorrow if you can.

I see you already have , so here's and to keep you going.

Hissy · 12/06/2016 22:18

I'd be helping Him with that decision... Bugger that waiting until 23rd for a game of soldiers!

Deep breath, rip off the plaster and start taking back control of what goes on in your life.

If you beg him to stay, or pussy foot about it gives him power and he'll carry on. It it will keep on hurting.

I suspect too that there is someone in the wings, it has all the hallmarkings sadly.

smilingeyes11 · 12/06/2016 22:52

I agree - he can fuck off now and leap in to the arms of the waiting OW. Stop pussy footing around waiting for him to kick you again.

RealityCheque · 12/06/2016 23:35

The relationship is over but sensibly he doesn't want to disrupt DD a-levels. For the sake of another two weeks that sounds sensible.

Why should he be the one to move out? Mumsnet often seems to forget that a marital home is a JOINT asset. He has as much right to be there as OP, regardless of whether they still love each other.

WellWhoKnew · 12/06/2016 23:46

Hello love. It's an awful shock when it happens, and a huge life changing event.

I too couldn't bear the idea of being a divorcee, but I am now one and no one seems to mind!

As difficult as you might find it: switch off from him, don't let him blame you for his feelings, and surround yourself with a support network, include a counsellor if you can and tell friends/family ASAP. A lawyer will also need to be consulted, the sooner the better.

A marriage breaking down IS a devastating event when you aren't prepared for it. He'll be streets ahead of you emotionally.

And I bet any money, his selfish behaviour has more than contributed to your depressions over the years.

It will take a lot of time to come to terms with this, however in time you will recover and thrive again.

Hillfarmer · 12/06/2016 23:50

Yes of course the home is a joint asset, he doesn't have to move out legally, but this man is being a giant sleazeball and should not stay around to torture the OP any more. He's checked out of a 25 year marriage without so much as an explanation. If he's checked out of the marriage - and of course there is a reason he's not telling her - then he can check in to a bloody hotel.

Since portentous decision day is 23rd June, I think we should have an MN referendum on whether Suffolklass H is a shit or not. I'm voting for HExit myself. Sorry OP, don't mean to be flippant but your H is being a Grade 1 Arsehole. I think you should bring the date forward a bit.

RealityCheque · 12/06/2016 23:58

And jeporadise the A-Level exam? For the sake of a ''pissing contest"? Why?

It's only 10 days. Better to keep the moral high-ground and have no regrets.

SandyY2K · 13/06/2016 00:11

He knows he wants out but doesn't want to affect your DD during these important exams. He's just not telling you what he knows will happen.

It's very sad after a long marriage. Did you get treatment for your depression?
Did an event trigger it?

Is there an indication it's going to happen again?

You say the last bout was for about 4 months, depending on the severity of this and previous bouts within a 12 month period, perhaps he doesn't have what it takes to cope.

Unfortunately , many people just aren't good carers and in spite of the vows of in sickness and health, my experience has been that men will bail in these circumstances much quicker than women who are naturally more caring.

It's very difficult to feel abandoned, but prepare yourself for a life without him. He's done.

peggyundercrackers · 13/06/2016 00:14

Hill farmer it sounds like he has told her why he's leaving and has given OP an explanation - are you reading a different Thread from me?

Sorry sounds like it's over OP. I don't think ite cruel of him to stay until your DD has finished her exams if she doesn't already know.

Hillfarmer · 13/06/2016 00:15

Not much competition for the moral high ground in this relationship RealityCheque. And it is quite overrated once you're up there, I find.

But sorry OP, I forgot, do try not to disrupt anyone with your disproportionate reaction to your long marriage being deliberately detonated up by your DH. Obviously he is much more concerned than anyone about your DD's exams, as demonstrated by his delicate timing for the bombshell. So...we don't want to upset anyone do we? We don't want you snivelling about the place in your dressing gown, all red-eyed and unattractive. A good tip, if you really must have a little cry, is to scream into your pillow - this really helps mask the sound of your abject misery and with any luck, no one will notice. It's only 10 days after all.

Hillfarmer · 13/06/2016 00:16

Yes, sorry Peggy I missed it. Could you bullet it for me. Sorry to be thick.

goddessofsmallthings · 13/06/2016 00:27

Another for Hillfarmer's HExit.

He lost the moral highground when he swept the rug from under the OP's feet and left her struggling to keep up a pretence of normality until the 23rd for the sake of their dd.

Wtf didn't he keep schtum till the 23rd? I suspect he'll be obtaining the keys to the love nest he intends to share with an ow on, or shortly after that date, and doesn't want to be accused of summarily upping and leaving. Breaking the OP's heart news now is his way of subsequently being able to claim that she 'had weeks' to get used to the idea of him leaving.

peggyundercrackers · 13/06/2016 00:30

Hillfarmer I think you need to chill a little, being so angry will only put your Bp up.

Hillfarmer · 13/06/2016 00:35

Bullet points please peggy - I really don't see the 'explanation' - but it's probably all that red mist getting in the way.

Vote counted goddess.

TheStoic · 13/06/2016 00:41

Hillfarmer I think you need to chill a little, being so angry will only put your Bp up.

Ugh. Aren't you charming.

He can leave, because he's got somewhere else he'd rather be. And someone else he'd rather be with. God forbid the OP should choose not to follow his schedule.

RealityCheque · 13/06/2016 00:47

he's got somewhere else he'd rather be. And someone else he'd rather be with

Where does it say that, Stoic? Or are we going with the classic mumsnet "making shit up that isn't there" again?

goddessofsmallthings · 13/06/2016 01:12

He has gone from being loving and kind to basically an ogre
He won't touch me even just to hug
He rubbishes what i say and has no time for anything i say

The hackneyed script of the man who's having an affair but seeks to limit any damage to his reputation by blaming his dw for the breakdown of the marriage.

Worcswoman · 13/06/2016 01:29

I'm sorry this is happening to you. It must feel awful, as if your whole world is ending. He seems to have anticipated your response and has calculated his reaction to it. He doesn't want to listen to you now and isn't going to. As I see it you've got two choices; accept it quietly or...

Tell him to fuck off, get yourself a new haircut, clothes and shoes and a hobby. Look fantastic, be busy and keep a lookout for a mistress. Men don't usually strike out on their own. They usually keep the peace until an alternative is found.

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