Herpes hell. DH dilemma

[Pebbles16]

Have been with DH 22 years. Only had one partner before. 10 years ago DH had an affair. It was hideous. We worked hard and got passed it but, in the meantime, he passed on herpes. He's never considered it serious as his STD nurse says "everyone has it". Well I didn't before he cheated. I was very poorly the first time, have had mild recurrences but have it again like a beast. It's horrid. Am trying to get on with things but I really can't walk or behave normally. Have mentioned to him that I think it's herpes (what with the enormous blisters and crippling pain) and he's just "well go to bed then". I don't want to scream at him that if he hadn't done what he did then I wouldn't be feeling like this. I thought I'd got past the cheating but am feeling like its the gift that keeps on fucking giving. Sorry for rant. Feeling miserable. Want to scream at him but realise that will reverse time and undo everything we've achieved. Have no idea why I'm posting apart from I need to vent a bit

75% of people carry the herpes virus. Not all of them will have symptoms and not all of them carry type 2 but yes, most people carry it.

Sorry for very late (time has passed) update. This is the first very debilitating recurrence since the affair. In the first instance he was defensive and going on the accurate but somewhat blase advice of a GUM nurse. He has actually realised with this flare up that I am stuck with a rather shitty reminder and has really looked after me. He's never had a symptom and couldn't get his head around it. I don't think he'll ever truly understand how it makes me feel but he has absolutely done his best in the past week

If my partner/husband gave me herpes I'd kill him !

it's nice that he looked after you during a flare-up of the incurable STI he gave you when he was unfaithful to you. he sounds like a keeper.

OP on a practical note have you had medical advice or tests.
I have lived with the virus for 20 years and there are real positive steps you can take to minimize the effect herpes has on your life.

I am not trivialising what your OH has done, but there are ways to care for yourself to avoid the impact of the virus.

Hmm as other people have said HPV is really common and you're unlucky if you get symptoms. Herpes is not that common at all and nothing to be causal about.

It sounds horrible. I don't know much about treatment but there must be something that can help with symptoms?

Herpes is common
Around 50% of people infected with it never have a symptom so they have no idea until they infect someone else who does get symptoms

NetDoctor (gospel obv) reckons 20,000 cases of female genital herpes in a year. So infrequent enough for the OP to get a bit more sympathy, even if other people have the virus but no symptoms.

I may have missed this but OP have you seen HCP yourself to see if they can help?

20000 new infections? Well since the virus never goes away I'd say that's quite a lot of people carrying it around wouldn't you?
Those are also only the infections they know about. Asymptomatic infection is hidden.

10% of the adult population of the UK have genital herpes. That's pretty common I'd say.

No not new infections as far as I can interpret- 20,000 suffering from symptoms at a time. The same article says the virus does go away but that's basically the opposite of what we're always told about Herpes so who knows.

Yes it's a lot but not compared to 70% of the population. So the OP is pretty unlucky to be part of that 20,000 rather than the millions of asymptomatic people. I like to think she might get a more sympathetic response than to be told that everyone has it.

When they say 70% I think they are including cold sores. Genital herpes can be type 1 or type 2 but type 1 is normally the type which causes cold sores as if you get type 2 on the face it rarely causes symptoms.

I have horrendous cold sores and they make me feel really ill, I have had them for nearly 60 years and although outbreaks often decrease over time I seem to have no resistance to them. I now take tablets which have changed my life, I take them at the first hint of an outbreak and haven't had an outbreak for nearly 2 years which is incredible for me. Do see a doctor and get a prescription, some people take the tablets daily to prevent outbreaks but just taking them if I get prodrome symptoms works for me but I have so much experience at recognising an outbreak! Let me think 12 out breaks a year, at a conservative estimate, for 60 years means I have probably had 700 outbreaks!

Hopefully you won't get another outbreak, ten years between outbreaks is quite along time. Have you been tested, I wonder if you have type 1 genitally, if you have with only one recurrence in ten years there is a good chance you won't get another one. Fingers crossed for you.

Thanks all. Yes I did get aciclovir. It helped a lot.

No way did the Nurse say that, that was to make him look better, prick and double prick for not even being sympathetic, I hope he's worth it, sorry for your pain.

I think his STI nurse was reciting a fact within the porn industry, unless that is his vocation then the nurse never said that too him. Like others have said she probably said it's quite common etc
You choose to carry on the relationship after the affair and passing on of a STI, you can't verbally beat him every time you have a break out.

Everybody has Herpes? No they fucking don't. I don't. My DH hasn't. None of my friends have.

How you are keeping your cool, is beyond me, I would be LIVID.

Sorry you are going through this.

husky none of my friends have. Don't be so sure about that. None of my close friends know I have herpes. My family don't know, my sister doesn't know, my mother doesn't know.

How the hell would you know husky? You think people go around discussing it with all and sundry?

Nope, I've never had herpes or my partner or previous ones, so no, not everyone gets herpes fgs.

What the nurse means is that the virus it's self is very common. You don't actually know if you have it or not - all you know is if you have it you are currently asymptomatic. A hell of a lot of people are wandering around having no clue that they carry it - many more people than those who have symptoms. Clinics don't even test for herpes unless you present with symptoms.

Adora how do you know you aren't carrying the virus?

Actually I've had herpes for years, it flares up if I get run down, I decided not to be embarrassed and have talked about it to my friends it seems loads of us have it. I got it from an ex-boyfriend. It's annoying but it go to your gp and get some Aciclovir pills. Also have some cool baths with bicarb, don't scratch and even get some Zovirax which is topical Aciclovir and is available OTC, it does help and you aren't alone. Do you have a temperature if so take some ibuprofen too. Hope you feel better soon. What's done is done, some people who are carriers have never had it symptoms so you are unlucky.

sorry about the typos.

Also I find waxing always makes mine flare up so maybe that's best avoided in future.

adora Nope, I've never had herpes or my partner or previous ones

You don't know that. I caught herpes from a partner who had never knowingly had an outbreak. He never suffered and I lived with him for 10 years. He carried the virus- gave it to me but had no symptoms himself.