To tell OW DH or not?

[MrsGuyOfGisbo]

Did not want to derail another thread, but interested to hear what people think.
Should you let the OW H know about a discovered affair?
One ghastly colleague used to boast that he only had affairs with married women as 'you never have an affair with anyone who has less to lose about revealing it.' He wanted to keep his house and kids have his cake and eat it and has discovered - pre social media - an effective formula.
Some years back, a relly was contacted on FB by the OW DH, and was really upset in the immediate emotional shock that he had revealed the affair to her, not knowing anything about her - eg was she with kids at the time, about to drive a long way to a parent's funeral etc etc. But it did being the thing to a head, the DH was remorseful, stopped the affair, they repaired the marriage and he has never had another. After the flak settled she was glad she had been told.
WWYD/WDTD?

I've never really forgiven my 'so called' friends for not telling me about my ExH.
I had months of thinking I was going insane.
Some of them knew (not my close friends obviously) and not one thought to tell me.
I would tell in the same situation because I know exactly how I felt.
It was humiliating being the last to know.

It would certainly put my relationship in danger and that's enough of a reason for me to keep quiet

How would telling the OBS put your R in danger? The backlash from your cheating H?

Your relationship is already in danger with him cheating I'd say, but it's an individual decision.

I saw a lady whose H had cheated and when she told the OBS he said he thought it was over, as he'd found out 3 years earlier, but his wife and her H told him they were sorry and it would end.

They just took the affair underground.

She said she never forgave him for not saying anything, because in that time she had another child which she wouldn't have done had she known.

She was at risk of disease as her DH was having unprotected sex with the OW, who got pregnant during the affair, but terminated it as she didn't know who the father was.

I'd really like to know if my DH was such a snake and was putting my sexual health at risk.

That's 3 years she knew nothing about it and it had been going on for 2 years before that. Why be happy to live a lie. In that time they'd celebrated birthdays and anniversaries and other special occasions while he was putting himself inside another woman.

Very often people say there is no point in telling the BW ( usually the OW says this), because she won't leave him anyway.

Telling is not so they will leave, it's so that they have the truth and the knowledge to make an informed decision about their future.

Some people are scared telling will push their husband closer to the OW. If that's the case then he doesn't really want to be with you or he wants to cake eat.

I've come across this scenario and the cheating H says I would have stayed but now you've told her husband I'm leaving. Well he can bugger off is my response.

Chances are he was still cheating anyway, otherwise he should have been NC with the OW.

At the end of the day it's your choice. You may find you say nothing and as in one case I dealt with her DH and the OW each left to be together 8 years later. The BW then wished she'd said something earlier, so the OWs DH could have been aware and it may not have happened saving her 8 years wasted while the affair carried on.

Affairs thrive on the secrecy and the illicit sex, so exposure is a way to kill it. It's not as fun anymore when it's out of the bag. Two spouses knowing make it harder to meet up and sneak around.

I think BSs who thinks all contact ends on dday is very naive. Having been in the position of supporting OWs as well, they say the affair continues.

They will find way and if the OBS knows, the other cheater may well decide it's not worth the risk anymore.

Each to their own anyway.

I would want to know and I don't give a shit about their reasons for telling me I just would want to know.

Barbara I didn't analyse your relationship.

You said it would put your relationship in danger and I just asked how. No analysis at all just questions, which don't particularly require answers.

By saying your relationship is already in danger if cheating has happened was a general statement to any couple where infidelity has taken place. Not your relationship specifically.

Of course I don't know your circumstances, - you're a stranger online how could I know.

Don't tell the OW, because right now you've done nothing that could helmet someone else.

Tell him and you might wreck their DCs birthday, screw up his job interview, push him into something rash, or worse - all because you don't know the actual details of that familiy's life. You know one dangerous detail. It isn't enough to make a decision on and you could lose the one thing you have in this scenario: You haven't hurt anyone.