To tell OW DH or not?

[MrsGuyOfGisbo]

Did not want to derail another thread, but interested to hear what people think.
Should you let the OW H know about a discovered affair?
One ghastly colleague used to boast that he only had affairs with married women as 'you never have an affair with anyone who has less to lose about revealing it.' He wanted to keep his house and kids have his cake and eat it and has discovered - pre social media - an effective formula.
Some years back, a relly was contacted on FB by the OW DH, and was really upset in the immediate emotional shock that he had revealed the affair to her, not knowing anything about her - eg was she with kids at the time, about to drive a long way to a parent's funeral etc etc. But it did being the thing to a head, the DH was remorseful, stopped the affair, they repaired the marriage and he has never had another. After the flak settled she was glad she had been told.
WWYD/WDTD?

You have no obligation to anyone else. I'm sorry you're having to deal with a horrible situation.

Yeahthatwasme
Sorry! realise my OP was unclear. Was two separate people - the cheating colleague - no idea what happened to him in the end as don't work there now. My cousin and her DH was an entirely separate situation.
Barbara so sorry you are going through that. I agree that if the situation is salvageable better for no-one else to know about it or have an opinion.

And really interesting about the email addy where no emails are sent, and the drafts are disposable... Never woulda thunk it!

I asked this question here quite recently.

I decided in the end not to tell the OW's DH because I was aware that my motivation for wanting to do so was not because of some sense of moral obligation to my fellow dupe, but because I wanted to harm the OW. A poster here reminded me that he has already been treated as collateral damage by my DH and his wife, I don't need to join their club and make him feel even more worthless and dehumanised as a way of trying to ameliorate my own pain.

I think that if our places were reversed and he knew and I didn't, the last think I would want is him telling me as a way of punishing his wife. He'd just be one more person using me as some kind of puppet in their game of My-Feelings-Take-Priority-So-I-Don't-A-Fuck-Who-I-Hurt.

I think that if - if - you were able to be sure that your motives for telling were purely driven by concern for the other betrayed spouse, then you should think really carefully about how to tell them in the kindest way possible. This may well be telling the OW that she has 24 hours to tell her DH herself before you do it. It would also involve being prepared to answer his questions, and handle his distress, so a face-to-face meeting somewhere safe and neutral, definitely not an anonymous email etc. This is all very hard to do, both practically and emotionally. You're shattered into tiny pieces yourself, barely keeping it together - it's a big ask to then manage someone else's pain too.

And of course, he may not thank you for the information. He may become angry, accuse you of lying, or blame you - none of which you need when you're reeling from the discovery that your DH has been unfaithful to you.

I suppose what I'm saying is that you have to protect yourself first and foremost, and telling the OW's DH categorically will not help with this. I guess it might give you an immediate sense of satisfaction or vengeance, but then we're back to the fact that you're treating him with similar disregard for his feelings as his wife and your own DH, and that's not a good thing.

I also think the same applies when you're not one of the involved parties, but a friend or colleague who has discovered that an affair is taking place, btw.

A really thorough examination of your own motives for telling is necessary, and then if you are convinced it's the right thing to to, the priority should be doing it as kindly as possible.

I can't imagine how humiliating and distressing it would be to get an anonymous email from a "concerned colleague". I'd be plagued forever about who it was, I'd wonder if in fact it was the OW herself etc. I definitely wouldn't want to have my world blown apart in a face-to-face with a colleague of my DH's that I've never/barely met - that would be utterly mortifying.

Again, prioritising their feelings is paramount, but this is far from easy. And if you tell, you can't just throw a grenade in to their life and then waltz off. They might have questions, want to check things with you, want you to keep tabs on the players involved...You may end up embroiled in the mess far more and for far longer than you anticipated. And if you're not prepared for this then don't tell. This is someone's life, not a black and white game of moral arbiters.

I would put pressure on the cheater to tell his DW. But this is also not without its issues. It really is an uneviable position to be in, and I would advise anyone contemplating wading into an affair situation to think very very carefully about the repercussions of doing so, for themselves but also for the betrayed spouse whom you are proporting to "help".

Always tell the OBS (other betrayed spouse) unless doing so will cause you to be in danger IMO.

They deserve to know so at the very they can get checked for Std's. Knowing someone who this happened to and it affected her unborn DC, I always advocate the truth.

Quite simply - I'd want to know if my DH was playing away. Some may say they don't want to know. That's called burying your head in the sand.

I too am in this position and have decided not to tell ow husband. For now at least. I don't think it's fair that someone else should feel how I feel, ow doesn't work so he obviously provides for their family, I wouldn't want their children to suffer as a result. Atm I feel like what he doesn't know wont hurt him. I also want to 'protect' my dp from the backlash it might cause, pathetic I know. I might change my mind it's only a recent revelation to me and I'm also pregnant so concerned my hormones are forcing me to stay with and still love dp. Maybe these reasons for not telling are selfish I don't know.

When DH had an affair, the OW's DH contacted me.

I still can't discern any motive other than his own hurt, lashing out.

DH had already told me, so it didn't make any difference that way.

In general I don't think the state of someone else's marriage is your business or your responsibility, so I don't think it's a good idea to tell the "other betrayed party" what's going on unless you're actually friends with them or something.

I'd want to know

No it's not it's just the decent thing to do.if I had found out sooner I could've left my ex before he started beating me up and my newborn could've avoided being put in danger because of an std I didn't realise I had.

Exactly. No one is legally bound to tell or anything. But I always think that most people would want to know, so odds are it's the right thing to do to tell them. It is to give them the dignity of knowing basic facts about their lives, especially if their shitty spouses may not have told them. It is not to be done in spite, but with the utmost kindness, however. The harm of an affair, as pretty much anyone who has experienced it can tell you, begins long before you actually can confirm the cause of the awful feeling that is suddenly in your life. I wish to god someone had told me and put me out of the miserable state of knowing something was hugely wrong but not knowing what.

Also, this whole "It's not my responsibility" rationale, also
sounds a lot like the rationale used by OW/OM to excuse their roles in an affair, and I refuse to condone it or live my life that way, even if others choose to do so.

No, don't tell. Who wants to know this stuff from a random stranger? And yes, most often the motivation for telling is spite towards the OW/OM - and a total disregard for the fallout.

I would want to know, saves wasting your life when you would probably find out eventually and leave anyway, just speeds up the process.

Also, this whole "It's not my responsibility" rationale, also
sounds a lot like the rationale used by OW/OM to excuse their roles in an affair

The difference is that the person who chooses not to tell in this scenario is literally not responsible, and to put this responsibility on them at what is already a terrible time is unfair.

There's no moral high ground here and no guidebook about the right way to behave: just people muddling through. What's right for one person in one set of circumstances is quite wrong for someone else.

I appreciate that some of what I wrote might sound like I'm judging the injured party here. I apologise for that. It is not my intent. Be clear: I AM that injured party, so I understand very, very well what it all means and the difficulty of those first few months especially when it is difficult to function at all let alone think clearly.

I think that someone like Barbara is perfectly entitled to make the decision that is right for her, in the context she finds herself in. I have no judgement of that. (And Barbara, I was talking about the role and responsibility of the third party in an affair, not your husband)

But what I don't like is this idea that we have no responsibility to third parties in our lives. I think it is the source of much harm in the world. I think what Barbara is saying is one thing (i.e., I am weighing up the harm caused to my life and those I love versus the harm I am doing to another person by not giving the other innocent party the dignity of knowledge of important details in his life), but what I also see on these boards often is this idea that we have absolutely no moral imperative to help people when we know we can. I don't like it, I don't teach my children to live that way, and I won't do it myself.

I'd want to know before he knew that I knew. That way I could have my ducks lined up (seen solicitors etc.) before things came to a head.

What everyone should know is that by having an affair there are consequences if it comes out.

I would rather know instead of wasting my time with a cheater when I could move on to a new life instead of being betrayed.

If you have an affair you should be woman or man enough to deal with the fallout.

In all honesty if my husband had an affair with a married woman and got beaten if he was found out, he'd have to accept what he did and take whatever action he sees fit legally.

Whether the motivivation is revenge or courtesy to THE OBS I personally don't think it matters - as long as I have the full knowledge of what I'm dealing with.

I have a few OWs who want to tell the wife when the affair is over - now that's revenge because she's been dumped - but still there'd be nothing to tell if the affair never happened.

Why should someone get to be a part of your misery and walk away like nothing happened. That's if they do walk away from so many continue the affair so an extra pair of eyes on them is quite useful.

It helps verify info given. The betrayed spouses can check facts.

Like one case where a WS said it was a 6 month affair, but the OBS found out it was actually 8 years. Quite a big difference and in that instance was the deciding factor in the BW ending the marriage. 6 months she was prepared to forgive, but 8 years during which time she battled cancer and HAD IVF was too much.

Knowledge is power

I didn't tell the OW's DH.
For two reasons...

(1) DH worked with them both. Who knows what the fallout would have been? At that point, selfishly possibly, I wanted to be assured (as much as is ever possible in this day and age) he would continue to have a job / wage so that, if I chose to leave him over the affair I would have some income from him for the DCs.

(b) I was in so much pain that I didn't wish anyone else to go through what I was going through, even though I may have only been the messenger, not the culprit.

I don't regret it. It's come out since (through a trusted source) that DH is not her only work affair, before or after. As her husband works there too, and it's fairly common knowledge, I assume he knows and turns a blind eye, or doesn't care.

Two years on, I don't care either way now anyway.