Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

LO father put me in impossible predicament

68 replies

isobel79 · 11/06/2016 18:20

Hi all
just need to vent.
so I get pregnant in august last year for a Nigerian man. Assuming that all is OK and that he is allowed to stay and work in this country he tells me in January of this year that he isn't allowed to work. I was so pissed off. LO is born March. I tell father I ain't putting him on any legal documents which I didn't. I just didn't feel right and my gut was telling me something wasn't right.

Anyway he comes to me three weeks ago saying he needs help and that his lawyer says his name needs to go on birth certificate. I said I want to see all his paperwork.

Today he comes with his paperwork and I find out he is married to an eu lady by proxy. U can imagine my disbelief. I had no idea. I find out he isn't meant to be in the UK as of July last year.

So the man who I thought was genuine is a fraud. Only good thing to come out of this is LO.

I am not going to help him. Why should I feel pressured to help him. Is LO his last resort. I'm not going to lie for him. Why didn't he come to me with this when I first told him I was pregnant. He leaves it till nearly 12 months later.

Whats the general consensus? What would you mom's do?

I'm sooooooooooooo betrayed!!!!

Thanks

OP posts:
SoUnsureMaybe · 11/06/2016 21:06

I have no judgement of how long you knew him, I was again in the same situation.
He would had to have told you about his situation eventually because like I say he would have to have had all this evidence to support his case and also a copy of your LOs passport. So him saying no is him lying again. If his solicitor is worth anything then they would have explained that to him already.
If he's only out to stay and not put your LOs needs first then I would refuse to help. XxX

VimFuego101 · 11/06/2016 21:09

I definitely wouldn't put his name on the birth cert. If you do, you will need his permission to do certain things - which will be difficult if he is deported and you lose contact with him. It sounds like he is using your child to further his chances of getting a visa (as someone mentioned, he will claim the 'right to family life' angle.

Misscocopops · 11/06/2016 21:11

Wow. Yes it appears he is using your child as his way of remaining in the UK. If you had a gut instinct not to put his name on your child's birth certificate how could you ever trust this man with your child. Do you have any supportive family around to to lean on.
My brutal honest opinion based on the info you provided is this man used you to gain entry to the UK. If he was granted this he would then run.
Do not help him. Do not put his name on the certificate and concentrate on you and your child.
It's sad that the child will probably never know their true father but sadly this happens all the time now in the UK. No more babies with men you don't know properly lol.

Hoppinggreen · 11/06/2016 21:12

So if he had been up front about his intentions you would have helped him commit immigration fraud, it's the lying about it you don't like?

Original poster
isobel79 · 11/06/2016 21:15

I've met two of his friends his mom lives in Nigeria. Also he speaks in Nigerian when he talks to his friends so I don't understand. I have spoken to one of his friends via phone but that's it. SoUnsureMaybe he has been asking as well when I am gonna sort LO passport but I just brushed it off. He even researched how much it would cost!!! I kept saying to him that we won't be travelling for a while anyway. ....Hmm

OP posts:
SoUnsureMaybe · 11/06/2016 21:21

He's definitely trying to pull a fast one. He isn't thinking of anyone but himself. I don't think it's wise to help him tbh Hun from what you've said.

And hoppinggreen, it's isn't immigration fraud as "Right To Family Life" is about the child, not the couple. They have a child together and if he's on the birth certificate then he's entitled to try for RTFL. She does not have to help him with that and it seems like she made the right choice to not put his name on. XxX

Original poster
isobel79 · 11/06/2016 21:29

And not once today has he said I want you to help me because I want to be here for my lo and to work and provide for him. It's just been can I help him. He even said just "in God's name" can u help me. Can u "effing believe it" (scuse the language)

OP posts:
Original poster
isobel79 · 11/06/2016 21:30

Yes I have a fantastic family who support me so I won't b alone

OP posts:
Original poster
isobel79 · 11/06/2016 21:30

I'm grateful for all your advice and support ladies

OP posts:
starry0ne · 11/06/2016 21:34

Sorry to be harsh.. this man is not interested in your child just a visa to stay..If he gets that he will have no interest in your child so your Child misses out on a father either way.

SoUnsureMaybe · 11/06/2016 21:35

He doesn't have the values and the drive to provide for your LO by the sounds of it. Just tell him bluntly that you will not be helping him when your LO clearly isn't in his plans.
He will do the usual "what do you think I'm doing this for" but it's just a line. XxX

SandyY2K · 11/06/2016 21:37

Is he Ibo or yoruba?

SandyY2K · 11/06/2016 21:39

Does he have a FB page? Have you seen it?
How old is he?

Original poster
isobel79 · 11/06/2016 21:39

SandyY2K I don't know what either of them are could u tell me pls?

My gut tells me that he is using both of us. I don't believe a word he says

OP posts:
Original poster
isobel79 · 11/06/2016 21:41

I don't know if he has Facebook. O when I first met him he said he was 31 then he turned out to b 32. But I'm just thinking to myself that I'm sure the papers I was reading today said he was born 1986 I need to recheck that

OP posts:
SoUnsureMaybe · 11/06/2016 21:43

Igbo and Yoruba are regions/tribal names of Nigerian people. My partner is Yoruba.
It is really hard to get to know Nigerian men, they aren't very forthcoming. XxX

MachiKoro · 11/06/2016 21:44

So your baby was born two months early? Why does this man need a visa if he's married to an EU national? Why can't she sort his residency out?

Cabrinha · 11/06/2016 21:48

Ibo and Yoruba are common ethnic groups in Nigerian.
There is no language called Nigerian so he wasn't speaking that on the phone. Yoruba is one of the major languages of Nigeria.
Before your child's father is deported, perhaps you could ask him some questions about his ethnicity, language, culture, home... so you can pass this on to your child.

It certainly sounds like he was hoping to claim Right to Family a Life. What a shame you got pregnant. Obviously now that your child is here you won't regret them as an individual - but such a far from ideal situation that when it was just theoretical it is a shame you got pregnant.

Do at least try to find out something about this man before he is deported.

Original poster
isobel79 · 11/06/2016 21:49

Because when they did the "proxy" marriage the home office weren't buying it and invited them both for interview. Well she refused to attend on the advice of friends so it looks like case was settled and he would need to leave. He was explaining the proxy thing but I didn't get any of it!!!!

I don't think he is either he has a tribal mark on each cheekConfused????

OP posts:
Gardenbirds123 · 11/06/2016 21:51

He sounds like a nightmare
I wouldn't help him in any way he is using you and sounds like a toxic influence on you and LO
Best off with a clean slate and support from friends and family

SoUnsureMaybe · 11/06/2016 21:52

He could be Yoruba if he has facial marks xxx

Original poster
isobel79 · 11/06/2016 21:54

Cabrinha sometimes I do think what an idiot I was but at that time I didn't know what I know now. The way I look at it my LO is part of my journey and his birth is part of my "book". Plus I nearly lost him at 19 weeks but with the help of doctors they were able to sort me out so I could carry him to 36 weeks. So my lo is meant to be

OP posts:
Original poster
isobel79 · 11/06/2016 21:55

Thanks SoUnsureMaybe

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 11/06/2016 21:58

If you PM or tell me his forename or surname I'd know whether he was one or the other. But whatever he is he's a toe rag.

Not every yoruba person has tribal marks. The younger people especially.

You should look at FB and find out. Try and know more about him for your protection.

Unfortunately you really don't know him.

SoUnsureMaybe · 11/06/2016 21:59

Your welcome. If you have anything else you wanna ask, if I can help I will. I don't know it all clearly lol but it sounds like we're both been through/going through very similar situations xxx

Swipe left for the next trending thread