Finally found evidence of dp cheating

[Tealeaf321]

Been together 10 years and last night found he has been having an affair for 6 months+. Ow is also married.
I'm just so numb right now, I've had feelings about him cheating before but could never find the evidence/ he could talk his way out of whatever so it was always put to the back of my mind but today I've had at least this ow confirmed.
I know I need to ltb, but I'm over half way through our first pregnancy (don't want to out myself) and totally in love with him.
Ow knows I'm pregnant and has kids herself so knows how difficult pregnancy can get. How can a woman do this to another woman? How can my dp that I love so much and would do anything for do this to me? My whole plan for a family life is ruined forever, as is a happy experience of having my first baby.
I just don't know what to do I'm so numb and heartbroken at the same time.
Has anyone been through this as I really need a hand hold.

I'm not sure how I even feel towards her, I just keep asking the same question over and over how can a woman do this to another woman knowing how difficult it gets being pregnant. They have both ruined my baby's life I know we will get through this but if I'm single I will suffer financially and as a result my dbaby is going to suffer too. The only thing stopping me telling her is her children and how their lives would also be ruined.

Does her husband know?

I'm sorry this is happening to you.

Has your do told her you know? If so be assured she's having a shot weekend at least, shirting herself that you or someone is going to tell her husband and blow her family apart.

Has your dp"ended it" with her since he knows you know?
What is he doing right now to attempt to "make this better"?

Has he explained why he has done this.

I have to say something like this will change your relationship dynamics for ever. Will you ever really be able to forgive and move on?

I don't get in board with the 'don't be mad at the OW'

When two people do something to hurt you, there is enough anger to go around. The op is clearly hurt by her husband and isn't only blaming the OW.

Op of her husband had found evidence, would you want him to tell you? If you would, I think you need to tell him.

I am so sorry you are going through this

totally in love with him
You'll get over it. You'll feel it more strongly than ever for a while, because your instincts tell you to cling to the father of your child. But it will pass and you will love again. Really.
How can a woman do this to another woman?
She hasn't done anything to you. She did something with him. You blame her because you want to keep him. Actually, he's the one who cheated on you, not her. She was never in a relationship with you. He was. And is. But you can sort that.
My whole plan for a family life is ruined forever
Yes. Our plans often don't work out. So make another, and a few spare for when things change. Start with the idea that you and your baby are going to be happy together.
happy experience of having my first baby
You've had a heck of a shock and been betrayed by the one you trusted most. That's not going to be easy to overcome. But having the baby will knock it right into the background. Having the baby will be a happy experience, if you let it.
i am certain he loves and wants this baby more than anything
No, I'm sorry, he doesn't. He loves sex-wherever-he-can-get-it more than he loves the baby he has made with you. He might get to know and love the child, or he might not. But for now, he's shown you how much he cares for you or the baby. The baby might not even be 'real' for him as yet.
They have both ruined my baby's life
No, they haven't. They have made you very unhappy when you didn't deserve it (no-one deserves this). They have put you in a position you didn't expect to be in. But your baby's life can be wonderful because your baby will have you.
I really need a hand hold
One held out here.

Don't waste any time. Get busy sorting out where you're going to live, what help you can get. Explore every avenue, be pro-active. When I was single-parenting, I used to tell myself 'push a bit further than you are comfortable with' and it always had positive results. The future for you and your baby is in your hands. You can make a success of it. Off you go. It'll be fine.

"i am certain he loves and wants this baby more than anything"
No, I'm sorry, he doesn't. He loves sex-wherever-he-can-get-it more than he loves the baby he has made with you. He might get to know and love the child, or he might not. But for now, he's shown you how much he cares for you or the baby.

Sorry timely, but that is generalised bullshit. "Loving sex" and "loving a baby" are not mutually exclusive.

OP was right when she said he cheated on her,not the baby. Considering the shock of this discovery, that was an exceptionally rational, balanced and well thought through viewpoint. One that will ultimately allow the best interest of the child to be realised when / if you split up - it's a shame more wronged partners cannot see this.

Hi , I had to write to send you a massive hug lovely lady , I unfortunately agree with sandy , my recent ex of 31 yrs had an affair when my dd was a baby , we had been married 2 yrs and then carried on ,it is addictive I now know and he had quietly had affairs throughout our marriage , dig deep and breathe and take care of you and the baby ❤️ He did cheat on your both , and I know you want your old life back looking forward to this baby together , he risked that for sex with a woman , consequences come out of an affair and you are in control now ! Please please don't be like me at 50 I should of got rid at 25 , I could of had a life with a loyal trustworthy man . Whatever you decide we on mn will be holding your hand its your journey , you only have 1 life make it happy xxxxx

You'll never understand how she could do this because you have a very different set of morals and values.

I can't understand how a man can be in the delivery room while his wife is giving birth, then pop to the loo and send a dick pic to his OW - and that doesn't absolutely repulse her.

There's no argument that the man shoulders more blame, but these OW don't care about you as the betrayed spouse.

I've had a small amount of them end an affair when the wife becomes pregnant, but in a couple of those cases it was because he lied and said he was not sleeping with his wife.

I will send you something via PM to understand the mind of the OW. It helps a lot of BSs.

I think you should at least have him think that ending your relationship is a serious consideration or he'll not see the magnitude of what he's done to you.

He needs to know how it feels for the BS and that link I sent previously will help if he is truly remorseful.

Sorry timely, but that is generalised bullshit. "Loving sex" and "loving a baby" are not mutually exclusive
No, not really. But I accept that you think so.

Op, I know you're inclined to stick it out, but you know that he's been cheating or at least trying to cheat throughout your relationship. Being found out properly will not stop him.

This is no way to live. I know, I did it for years. It makes you so unhappy trying to police the bloke, it hanging in the back of your mind and finding things that are never quite enough to know so staying.

Don't do it to yourself. Make the break now. It's scary and you're vulnerable now, but if you stay you will be signing up for this cycle of behaviour.

Can I just say again I'm not just angry at ow, I am angry with dp too but i think most women generally hold the same values. Or I thought anyway. Sorry last post ment to say the only thing stopping me telling her dh is their kids and how it would probably ruin all of their lives. I'm not sure it's fair in thinking just because I'm hurting someone else should be hurting because her dh has done nothing wrong and he's the one who will feel this the most like myself. Both ow and dh have apologised profusely both said will stop contact, ow wished us both + baby all the best and dh is literally on his knees begging for forgiveness. I totally get everyone's advice I know I need to leave I'd give anyone else the same advice but I'm so scared of the life me and our baby will have without him. I don't want to be a single mum 3 months before my baby is even born, this isn't my life it truly feels like a dream! I'm currently going from numb to angry to sad but everything I feel is for my baby and the family life he has lost out on.

I keep writing dh out of habit of reading dh, he is dp we are not married.

No, it is not true that women most generally hold the same values, but what is very very true is that society in general are far more benevolent to men when affairs happen.

You can get angry with the OW, but it is your partner who you should be judging now, and I use the term "judging" on the full extent of the word, as he is the one you will have to put up with for years to come.

op, in these difficult times, it is easier to blame the OW and even be concerned about the other woman's husband as this helps you to pass the blame from your partner to her, and he can continue to be, in your eyes, the wonderful person he was, you may even end up believing that she forced him into this when it may have been your partner doing all the chasing.

It is your partner who betrayed a pregnant long term partner, not her. To help you make the right decision about your own relationship, try not to forget that.

BTW, I don't mean you need to leave your partner, you can take him back if you want, but make sure that before you do, you explore why did this happened (Relate is a good place to start), decide whether you can put it behind you and which would be the conditions you put on your partner to ensure it doesn't happen again.

Some relationships get stronger after an affair, the fact that he cheated doesn't necessarily mean that would happen again in the future, especially if you make him well aware that you shouldn't be taken for granted.

One of my friends was treated by her husband as his PA, she even had Filofax with details on when she needed to pick up his laundry or take his car for the annual service. Then the affair came and although my friend spent quite a long time blaming the OW (who didn't even now he was married), she soon realised that she would be better off on her own, and once that she knew that to heart, she was prepared to take his repentant husband, as they both knew by that point that, if he messed up again, she would leave him without giving it a second thought.

It is a few years from then, they look very happy and I'm sure the Filofax is gone she is not getting anywhere to his laundry nowadays. They are equals now, he knows she doesn't need him.

Please understand that I am not blaming ow for this, I know it is p (I keep writing dp but of course know he isnt d, just habit) who has caused ME hurt. I am not directing blame at anyone but him. I am just so shocked that a woman can do this KNOWING that I am pregnant, especially a married women with a family of her own. My main concern is my baby, my parents split when I was young and the split was bitter and although no arguments ect went on in front of me I was very aware of the tension and bitterness and the divide it caused between the two families, I don't want this for my children so of course I don't want to be angry and bitter.

Oh Tealeaf honestly I don't think it matters who you direct anger right now (and I completely understand what you mean by the OW) but what matters is looking after yourself and finding a way through this. How are you feeling? What do you think you need to do now? I'd really recommend some space. Only you can decide if you want to stay or not, and it isn't a simple decision. Sending you a hand to hold and thoughts. xx

The OW was able to 'do it to you' because she didn't factor you into the equation at all. She was purely focused on her own needs which your partner temporarily offered to fill.
They are both now back-pedalling wildly away from the horrific consequences of their actions which they refused to foresee; you may choose to take some comfort in this.
It is concerning though, that he's so available to meet other people's needs whilst so viciously trampling on yours. I would worry, if that's a character trait.

Oh love, I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Please consider how your life will be if you stay with him. You suspected he was cheating before now. He most likely was. He's not sorry he cheated this time, he's sorry he's been caught. He has cheated multiple times, if you stay then you are giving him the green light to continue. There is nothing lower than cheating on your pregnant partner, and if he can do that he's capable of anything.

You will be setting you, and your child, up for years of hurt if you stay. Wondering where he is every time he's late, wanting to check his phone, never quite trusting him. You deserve so much more. You do not have to stay with him just because you're pregnant, I'm sorry but if he respected you or the baby he would never have done this. A man that badly wants a baby and a family doesn't sleep around behind his pregnant partners back. He just doesn't.

Please consider leaving and starting afresh with your baby. Surely it's better to leave now than in 5 or 10 years time when your baby is old enough to understand and you find out that he's done it again?

Your pp(pathetic partner) has done so much more than cheat, he has endangered your health and the health of your baby. On this board there is a post where the OP has to deal with recurring infection of genital herpes, thanks to her pp cheating on her. This post painfully illustrates the risk your pp took when cheating on his pregnant partner.. Herpes can be passed onto your unborn child. He was playing Russian Roulette every single time he had sex with you. I am betting that you haven't had any std checks recently, I strongly advise you to contact your midwife and advise her that your pp has been cheating on you. If there are checks they can't do now, it can be pencilled in for post partum.

I'm sorry but saying that your pp hasn't cheated on your child is utter nonsense! You have been planning a family for a long time, talking about your future, he cheated on his family, that includes his child.My dh has said he could never cheat, that to do so would be betraying not just me but our children too. If pp wants to put it somewhere else, he should have the decency to end things first. He and OW are only sorry that they were caught, ow is trying to control damage, so that you won't tell her husband (who deserves to know that his wife has been messing about and putting his sexual health at risk).

OP you deserve better than a selfish, irresponsible cheat, who didn't care a bit about the dangers he was exposing you a n d your unborn child to. I seriously would be ending things and considering whether you want him to have parental responsibility to your baby. I am not saying to deny access, on the contrary I agree that every child has the right to their father (not including nasty abusive assholes) however you need to think about your options/ your rights and implications for the future. I would think twice about having him present at the birth, you need calm/ quiet and love and trust from your birth partner. Do you have family/ friends who can help you through this rough time?

Please dont think that your baby arriving will make things better. a baby is like a small nuclear bomb going off in even the strongest relationships, if there are any cracks (which you have actually got huge craters) in your relationship, a baby will magnify them x 10!!!!! If he has cheated on you pre pregnancy, when you had time to look your best and wear make-up, how vulnerable will you feel post partum, when your body has changed, you haven't had a chance to shower and you are covered in baby sick and breast milk? You want a husband who will tell you you look beautiful, run you a bath and make you both dinner. Not to be asking where have you been, why was your phone off, were you with HER Again?

I would be asking myself if i could ever trust him again. You have the chance to move on and meet someone who is not going to cheat you.

It would be nice to think women have the 'chicks before dicks' moral but they don't. Not all of them anyway.

It's naive to think that and I suspect you are a really nice person with not a great deal of relationship experience.

They are sorry now because you've caught the. Sorry isn't enough. You need to see his actions and he needs to make you feel safe and secure in your relationship.

I can understand that you are scared about being a single parent, so while he's still in the begging stage be clear what you need from him to feel better.

it is possible to reconcile after infidelity, but when it happens during pregnancy it can feel that much more of a betrayal.

You might want to copy and send him this list:

Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:

1. S/He must be totally honest with you about everything
2. S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
4. S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. S/He must feel your pain.
6. S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
7. S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
8. S/He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.

10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. 11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. 12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. 13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible. 14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. 15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. 16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy. 17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling. 18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.

It was my life, OP.

DD's father cheated on me throughout my pregnancy, when DD was 10 days old and multiple times after. It took me til she was 4 months to pluck up the courage to leave him and although the hardest thing in the world, it's the best thing I've ever done. Him treating me the way that he did almost ruined my pregnancy/DD's early life as the anxiety it created within me was crippling, not to mention going into labour at 32 weeks because of the stress levels ( luckily they were able to stop it). I had to move back in with my parents, but I'm moving into my own home in two weeks after being able to do some serious saving and their support was priceless. I'm pretty sure you'd be entitled to housing benefit, even as an expectant mother, should you wish to stay in the same property but it's worth contacting your local council and explaining the situation.

Don't stay, OP. You and your baby are worth so much more than any man who can do that to you.

I would throw him out and only take him back if he begged for the next 3 months. If you don't show him that you can do it alone, he'll think that he's got you trapped with DC1 and then DC2 down the line and the affairs will continue. You will be surprised how much free stuff for babies you can get from your local mum's networks - you hardly need any money at all if you're happy to take second hand.

Horrible, heart breaking time for you, but the strain on the relationship usually happens AFTER the baby is born, not in this honeymoon period of first pregnancy, excited closeness. He'll just get worse once the sleepless nights kick in if you don't stamp it out now.

What.An.Asshole.

on your behalf OP

There isn't an alternative universe where he didn't decide to cheat on you while you were pregnant. It wasn't a one night stand, it was a conscious decision to deceive you and if you hadn't of found out, he'd probably still be doing it. His remorse is more about him suffering the consequences of his deception and less about the guilt about his treatment of you because if it was, he would have stopped sooner or confessed.

Staying isn't an insurance against 'his' selfish behaviour defining you or your baby's life, just like DV didn't define my life because I (just like you can,) decided it wouldn't.

You don't have to make a decision straight away but the life you wanted where you weren't with a liar and a cheat, no longer exists. Whether you stay in this relationship or not, you can never go back to a time when this didn't happen.